"The Talk"

[GraffitiBlu]

Okay, so I tried to see if this Topic was posted somewhere else and had no luck in my search- so apologies in advance if this question exists somewhere already. 

Has anyone here every had to have a talk with their friends of the opposite (or same) sex just to kind of reaffirm to them that you are asexual and only looking for Friendship. 
I have a male friend, who I have known for about a year now. We get along very well, and he knew I was asexual before we started hanging out (I was kinda outed at the place we both worked). We have a lot of common interests, and hang out to play videogames and watch movies, ect. 
I cannot shake the paranoia that he might end up liking me. (similar situations have happened and I have always just blown the friendship up and peaced-out) 
He has never hit on me, or said anything suggestive like that, but I have also heard him talking about other female friends saying things like he "put in the time, only to be friend-zoned" so I am worried he has some kind of warped perception that he is doing the same thing. 
My sister told me I should have "The Talk" with him, but since he has never tried asking me out or anything remotely close, it seems so random to me to just be like "Hey, you do remember I am asexual and not interested in being anything more than Friends with you, right?" 
I feel like if I bring it up, I might be causing a problem that isn't there, but if I don't and he does eventually try something I know it will likely ruin our friendship.

Does anyone have any advice, similar stories.... anything? 
(Also, I know you can be in a relationship and be Ace, but I know this guy is Allo, and I am not trying to open that can of worms)

[Lord Jade Cross]

Switch the genders and I had the same situation happen with a girl, my best friend at the time who, at first didn't say or do anything that warned me that she felt like wanting to be more than friends and later surprised me. Sadly the friendship suffered and eventually we had to go our separate ways

 

I wish I could say I have some secret method to find our without setting off any alarms but even in my own situation, I did kind of asked my friend and she denied it at first so its really difficult to know until they make it obvious or outright state it

[GraffitiBlu]

4 minutes ago, Comrade Jade Cross said:

Switch the genders and I had the same situation happen with a girl, my best friend at the time who, at first didn't say or do anything that warned me that she felt like wanting to be more than friends and later surprised me. Sadly the friendship suffered and eventually we had to go our separate ways

 

I wish I could say I have some secret method to find our without setting off any alarms but even in my own situation, I did kind of asked my friend and she denied it at first so its really difficult to know until they make it obvious or outright state it

Thanks for the response! 
Even knowing that others are in similar (or have been in similar) situations helps! 
I was thinking of trying to drop subtle hints (but since I never really bring up my sexual orientation, even that would probably seem forced). 

[Phalena]

Even using the term "firend-zone" makes this kinda fishy. Don't let yourself get pressured into anything, okay? Even if you were sexual, there is no such thing as: Doing nice things to fill up the love-meter.

[DemonicEnby]

If the friend understands the subtlety then sure, but it is sadly true that you rarely have the chance to be prepared beforehand. 

 

Though I did have such a situation some time ago, which didn't really work out either. To be fair I am a tad dense and sometimes just don't get, that somebody might be flirting with me (yep, oblivious anime main prota style) and then I was kinda floored and well. Saying a "thank you" that sounds like a question isn't helpful or conducive to preserve the friendship. 

[GraffitiBlu]

12 minutes ago, DemonicSister said:

If the friend understands the subtlety then sure, but it is sadly true that you rarely have the chance to be prepared beforehand. 

 

Though I did have such a situation some time ago, which didn't really work out either. To be fair I am a tad dense and sometimes just don't get, that somebody might be flirting with me (yep, oblivious anime main prota style) and then I was kinda floored and well. Saying a "thank you" that sounds like a question isn't helpful or conducive to preserve the friendship. 

I am told that I "flirt" with this friend by my sister, but the concept eludes me.
Like, I have similar conversations with my female friends, and yet those are not considered flirting. Where is the line between flirting and just playful banter. 
I hate that him knowing I am asexual and not interested in a relationship is not strong enough to nip this entire thing in the butt. 
I know I am worried about something that hasn't even happened yet, but this is the first time I have allowed myself to have a male friend in ages, and we really do enjoy a lot of the same things (including watching MHA *i see that Dabi avatar*), so I am upset at the prospect of losing our friendship. 

 

[Guest]

I mean... the fact he says friend zoned is a red flag for anyone of any orientation. Maybe casually drop into the conversation something about hating how men and women can't be just friends, without more expected? See how he reacts. 

[DemonicEnby]

3 minutes ago, GraffitiBlu said:

I am told that I "flirt" with this friend by my sister, but the concept eludes me.

Yeah, was told that more than once too. To me it is normal talking. 

 

4 minutes ago, GraffitiBlu said:

Where is the line between flirting and just playful banter. 

That is something that eludes me as well. 

 

In the end there is no way around the talk-about-the-elephant-in-the-room in the long run. Though clarifying that could also lead to a positive surprise for you - I mean I don't complain to people I want more with about romances that went down the drain. 

 

4 minutes ago, GraffitiBlu said:

including watching MHA *i see that Dabi avatar*

Well, I like the guy, including the tragic backstory and all. More often than not I like the bad guys much better. 

[rebis]

Could maybe come at it kind of sideways? At least, avoiding making it awkward as a topic you're bringing up that's about him, instead making it about you.

 

I mean, something like saying, you know, I wouldn't be bothered if you wanted to ask me about what it's like being asexual, because I realize most people don't know what it's like. He might be like, nah, no questions whatsoever, so you could then leave it as a topic, but you've at least reaffirmed that you are asexual, therefore not any kind of option for any relationship of a sexual nature, no matter how much time you've been spending together.

 

But then, if he does have questions, that should give you plenty of opportunity to talk about what you do and do not want, without making it obviously targeted at preventing him from getting the wrong idea. I mean, you could possibly even be as explicit as using the two of you as an example of how you enjoy spending time as friends, but any kind of sexual stuff would never be an option, because you just don't work that way.

 

All of this would allow you to avoid saying you are worried that he might develop feelings for you ... you don't have to say that explicitly, if you're instead talking about what you do and don't want, more generally.

 

I don't know, one way to possibly go about it, just so you might possibly be able to worry a little less that he's getting the wrong idea. I mean, sounds like he already shouldn't anyway, but a little conversation to ease your worries wouldn't be a bad thing.

 

 

[Guest]

9 hours ago, rebis said:

Could maybe come at it kind of sideways? At least, avoiding making it awkward as a topic you're bringing up that's about him, instead making it about you.

 

I mean, something like saying, you know, I wouldn't be bothered if you wanted to ask me about what it's like being asexual, because I realize most people don't know what it's like. He might be like, nah, no questions whatsoever, so you could then leave it as a topic, but you've at least reaffirmed that you are asexual, therefore not any kind of option for any relationship of a sexual nature, no matter how much time you've been spending together.

Except... asexual doesn't mean that. Many aces will have a sexual relationship. Some who identify as asexual even desire a sexual relationship. So simply saying I'm ace means literally nothing to if you want sex or not. And, if he did look up asexuality, AVEN, reddit, youtube and Tumblr back up that aces can still want sex. You have to explain what flavor of asexual you are, that you aren't into sex, etc. Otherwise, the other person could take "asexual" to mean still wants sex. The label itself covers cupios, demis, greys, sapios, etc etc. And every LGBT group I've been part of has had aces come in lamenting a loss of a sex life with their partner. Trusting the label to explain how you feel is a bad idea. 

 

 

[Homer]

I never did that. One, I don't do "labels". Two, even if I did, "the talk" doesn't really accomplish anything. You can say how you're looking for friendship instead of romance all you want - the way you back that up is all that matters.

 

My circle of friends is nearly exclusively female. All of them have had their experiences with people who claimed to be looking for "friendship only" (which is a phrase that drives me up the wall anyway. Fuck that mindset.), with the other person eventually wanting a relationship. You have to build trust, you have to show that you truly care and that you're dependable. It takes time. The "friend-zone" is a compliment in my book.

[PermianElle]

Unless he's given you some hint he wants more, I wouldn't bring it up. You're worried that is he does make a move on you, it'll ruin your friendship, but out of nowhere saying 'I'm asexual, so I'm not interested in you' is kind of....Rude? Let him express interest in you before freaking out that he might be interested in you. If him being interested is going to ruin your friendship either way, let him be the one to do it. Maybe he is interested and he's trying to work through it on his own. His feelings aren't your problem or your business unless he makes it so.

 

If you really want to address it, tell him your sister says you flirt with people and he should give you a warning if you ever come across as flirting with anyone, since to your knowledge you haven't been trying or wanting to flirt at all. Sends a message without putting him on the spot.

[Libellule]

I think you're right that it would come off a bit random and weird to just tell him out of the blue "Hey, by the way, you know I'm ace and not interested in you romantically, right?" Especially if he already knows that you're ace.

 

I'm not ace, but relate to your paranoia about male friends wanting more than friendship very well, and I've also had a friendship with a guy ruined because he had feelings for me and I didn't. A hard truth I learned from this was if a friendship ends over unrequited romantic feelings, there's not so much you can do about it because you cannot control how the other person feels. 

 

However, if you really feel like you should have a conversation with him, you could ask him if he ever got the impression that you're flirting with him, because that's how other people perceive it, and you don't want to give off a wrong impression because you're ace and have been in similar situations before. 

[rebis]

4 hours ago, Serran said:

Except... asexual doesn't mean that. Many aces will have a sexual relationship. Some who identify as asexual even desire a sexual relationship. So simply saying I'm ace means literally nothing to if you want sex or not. And, if he did look up asexuality, AVEN, reddit, youtube and Tumblr back up that aces can still want sex. You have to explain what flavor of asexual you are, that you aren't into sex, etc. Otherwise, the other person could take "asexual" to mean still wants sex. The label itself covers cupios, demis, greys, sapios, etc etc. And every LGBT group I've been part of has had aces come in lamenting a loss of a sex life with their partner. Trusting the label to explain how you feel is a bad idea. 

 

 

The point of bringing it up is to give her the opportunity to explain how she feels, rather than trust that the label is enough. I suppose it's true that his saying that he has no questions would throw a wrench into that plan, but then, communication is a two way street; if he makes it clear he has no interest whatsoever in discussing the topic, I don't think it would be ideal to force it. But if he does have a misunderstanding of her, based on his independent research of other sources, that he prioritizes over opportunity to get information directly from her, then the communication foul is on his part.

 

You edited out like 2/3 of what I wrote in your response, so kind of lost the context that this wasn't meant to be about the best way to explain what the term asexual means. I mean, I didn't say that she should ask if he has any questions about asexuality, then direct him to online resources to research, if he says that he does. 

 

You point out that she would need to explain what flavor of asexual she is, that she is not into sex, etc, and yeah, agreed --  that explaining was what I was suggesting might be helpful. My whole point was just for her to have an opportunity to talk about her own feelings, if doing so would make her feel better.

 

You may be right that couching it in a discussion about asexuality in general is not the best idea. It was just one suggestion though.

[AspieAlly613]

On 5/1/2021 at 11:15 AM, GraffitiBlu said:

He has never hit on me, or said anything suggestive like that, but I have also heard him talking about other female friends saying things like he "put in the time, only to be friend-zoned" so I am worried he has some kind of warped perception that he is doing the same thing. 

That's a red flag, though that he's sharing this information with you suggests that he isn't trying that on you.

[Er Scar]

On 5/2/2021 at 9:53 AM, PermianElle said:

Unless he's given you some hint he wants more, I wouldn't bring it up. You're worried that is he does make a move on you, it'll ruin your friendship, but out of nowhere saying 'I'm asexual, so I'm not interested in you' is kind of....Rude? Let him express interest in you before freaking out that he might be interested in you. If him being interested is going to ruin your friendship either way, let him be the one to do it. Maybe he is interested and he's trying to work through it on his own. His feelings aren't your problem or your business unless he makes it so.

 

If you really want to address it, tell him your sister says you flirt with people and he should give you a warning if you ever come across as flirting with anyone, since to your knowledge you haven't been trying or wanting to flirt at all. Sends a message without putting him on the spot.

Couldn’t have said it better myself. I completely get where you’re coming from and have had a very similar relationship before where I was worried about leading him on. In the end, nothing happened and he simply wasn’t interested in me. Like PermianElle said, let him ruin the friendship. You just sit back and enjoy having a friend.