Perceived problems as an African child 😥

[Chris black]

So I am turning 18 within 2 days and looking ahead at what awaits  am really anxious honestly. To put things into perspective am an aroace African to be more specific Kenyan. So from where I come from the pressure to find someone and settle down comes from every corner I've seen my uncles being put in the spot light by my parents,my grandparents, my great grandparents practically everyone to get wives and most of the time hearing them nag about how they want to see their kids kind of irks me. Then my mum is very traditional she always rants about how there is a certain age you should get married and have kids and how she can't  understand people who aren't married and how sad she feels for them and it blows my mind. Last year when I was still trying to figure things out I told her I don't want to get married and she fucking blew up... she gave me a scolding about how I shouldn'tsay that how I should spit that saliva (tema hio mate) it's kind of a way to say take back what you said😹........ anyway it made me somewhat uncomfortable I tried to reason out using religion saying Paul was also,  for it but she said am not Paul and I should leave him alone. A part of me hopes I get "the one"😒 (Gosh that statement pisses me off) but it's mostly because I know how stubborn and intrusive people are from where am from but then again every fibre of my being is being drawn by the idea of building my own life, spending time with my friends and family, traveling the world and being that aunt that spoils my siblings and friends kids just to annoy them😹😹 and maybe adopt a child or two, I've even planned out how I'd like my home to be. I remember telling my father how my friends and I Sometimes plan out how we'll build our dream homes and he said something along the lines of if you show a man you can do something he won't do anything you have to show him you need him😧tf😩 why are relationships so complicated 😬 I don't know man I was honestly baffled. I wish I cold live the way I plan without a doubt. If someone does somehow probably come up and I genuinely like them in that romantic way I'd take them without a doubt I just don't want to lead someone on into thinking I like like them when I don't all for the sake of shutting my parents up. Ohe before I forget in our customs the daughter's family is paid dowry .... icing on the cake as far us pressure is concerned 😐 I don't know I'll just finish my studies and see from there 

[Howard]

I see it's your first post. I'm glad we have an African AVENITE here! Welcome.

When I was around your age, I caved in and found a girlfriend. She had issues, but I paid no mind. Things didn't work out and children were born out of the union. Though I love my daughters, sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out.

[Guest]

42 minutes ago, Howard said:

Though I love my daughters, sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out.

I never knew you had kids! The same thing happened to me in a way, and I am now the sole carer of both my daughters.

 

@Chris black I am sorry you are feeling so much pressure from your family :c I think you should stick to your desire if possible for you. It would be so sad if you ended up caving to their pressure when all you want is to be free to live your own life, I hope you can achieve those goals!!!! I understand it must be much harder in your society, as in Africa from what I understand traditional values (like getting married and having kids) are still extremely important to the whole society, that must make all this even more stressful for you :c

 

All that aside, welcome to AVEN  Hopefully you can find some support and understanding here even if we sadly cannot make your family more respectful of your personal choices! 💚

 

 

[Kilyawan]

Welcome to AVEN and Advanced Happy Birthday!!! Double the cake for you!! 🎂🎂

 

You have wonderful dreams and I sincerely hope you get to pursue them and that your family would respect what you want. It's hard going against family and it's always easier said than done to follow your own path ;(

 

I agree and kind of relate to the "studies first then see from there" approach, though my situation is a bit perpendicular to yours. My family (I'm Filipino) isn't entirely conservative and we haven't had that family expactations talk. My grandmother told me I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend until after I finish college (*laughs in aroace*) but ngl I'm kind of worried by the time I finish my degree the expectations are gonna hit me like a rake. Ugh. We'll just have to see I suppose

[blueheroness]

I am African American so I think my family holds similar values to yours. All my sisters are married (I have 4) and only one of them doesn't have a kid. I don't get confronted about being single and childless but I silently feel like the odd person. But I just keep doing what I want and focusing on how to build a life for myself that is fulfilling to me. I think focusing on studying is a great plan. Just keep following your dreams a little at a time 👍

[Cee Fox]

Hi I'm so glad to see a fellow African <3. I'm South African and have much the same problem. I am literally studying medicine, so I will be perfectly able to sustain myself with a job I love and STILL my stepmom says "but when you get married and stay home to take care of your family..."🙄. The funny thing is, my immediate family distanced me from all the traditional stuff, so if I DO get married (to a man, veru unlikely) it'll probably be so I can get the dowry😂 (we call it lobola). In any case, you're still young so they won't press you so hard so quickly, but I can imagine the pressure that comes as an African man since they expect you to be very romantically/sexually active. The fact that there's basically no language/social context for us to even explain what asexuality is makes things even MORE difficult.

 

I just use my studies as an excuse, "I'm focusing on school right now" so if you're looking for convenience you can also do that🤷‍♂️. Again, you're still very young and you have some time before they start pushing you, but understanding African parents.... yah neh. Hopefully they'll eventually leave you alone. And even if you don't find "the one" you shouldn't feel left out - there's a lot more of us out here than you realize.

 

Welcome   We're very glad to have you here.