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Would u date with an asexual person


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3 hours ago, Çiçek said:

Well, did she tell you she was asexual before she got married? Does this situation negatively affect your life

No. We have been married for a few years and she only told me a couple of months ago.

 

I do feel like there's something missing, and I get sexually frustrated sometimes because she is unable to fulfil my needs. I am not sure if I want to go the rest of my life never having the connection I desire. I daydream about relationships with sexual components. I am not sure whether it is healthy to spend so much time in my head. 

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brbdogsonfire
4 hours ago, Çiçek said:

Well, did she tell you she was asexual before she got married? Does this situation negatively affect your life

My SO did tell me before we got into a relationship and I think it has helped.

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I want to clarify that I would be open to potentially dating someone who is grey-sexual

 

I seem to need the mutual sexual attraction. So when I say I wouldn't date an asexual, I am referring to people who could not offer the mutual sexual attraction and desire that I need.

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1 hour ago, Undecided2 said:

I am not sure whether it is healthy to spend so much time in my head. 

I think spending a lot of time in our heads is one of the main ways we figure out what we want and need. Although if we're not really getting anywhere and need help sorting it all out, I imagine that's where stuff like therapy comes in. There's the whole 'overthinking' thing, and I've done that all my life, but I'm not really sure that people who don't think about things in depth are ultimately any better off.

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25 minutes ago, CBC said:

I think spending a lot of time in our heads is one of the main ways we figure out what we want and need.

Ah, I agree 100%. I actually meant I think I have been spending too much time daydreaming about stuff that couldn't be real. Imagining I have a different life, am someone else etc (all of which seem to involve lots of mutual sexual attraction/desire/activites).

 

In terms of figuring things out, I have been so busy keeping the lights on that I haven't had enough time to do serious thinking. I also find time is helpful; I don't want to make any rash decisions.

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1 minute ago, Undecided2 said:

I actually meant I think I have been spending too much time daydreaming about stuff that couldn't be real. Imagining I have a different life, am someone else etc (all of which seem to involve lots of mutual sexual attraction/desire/activites).

Oh right. Yeah, been there myself in the past. Wanting to be someone else didn't work out too well lol. Other things I thought weren't possible, though... happy to have been proven wrong there a few times.

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Oh also.

 

3 minutes ago, Undecided2 said:

I also find time is helpful; I don't want to make any rash decisions.

Yep, agreed there. Not making rash decisions is usually the way to go.

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1 minute ago, CBC said:

Wanting to be someone else didn't work out too well

I got over that part some time ago. But daydreaming about yourself in a slightly different situation can be painful or confusing (e.g. current life the same but different partner) whereas daydreaming where lots of things are different is generally more enjoyable.

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I was reading a terrific novel earlier this year "fracture" by Andres Neuman. In one of the chapters, a character describes a relationship as a  "conciliation of desires" 

She also says "I was in love with my boyfriend. And yet, how can I put this, I wasn't in love with his desire for me" 

 

Despite that the character describing it, wasn't asexual, I think the description she uses can be applied in the difficulty between a sexual-asexual relationship but also in other romantic relationships we're there is a difference in one's sexual desire. 

 

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8 minutes ago, Undecided2 said:

But daydreaming about yourself in a slightly different situation can be painful or confusing (e.g. current life the same but different partner)

Eeeee... yeah haha, I know exactly that one very well. Felt that in both my past relationships. Thankfully no more. 
 

These days it's mostly the opposite I daydream about lol -- different overall life but same partner. 🙃

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Mountain House
3 hours ago, CBC said:

Oh also.

:)  I'm glad you took some time to think about your answer for that one. :)

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anisotrophic
3 hours ago, Undecided2 said:

I think I have been spending too much time daydreaming about stuff that couldn't be real

the beauty of my husband telling me “sure you can date”, and being friendly about me checking it out... is me going “oh ugh I don’t see many here that look plausibly appealing and this is too much work, this isn’t worth it” ... so yup reality is indeed sometimes less appealing.

 

He does have sex, just unexcited about it, so it’s ok I guess.

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Most likely not. Sex is not that important to me (at least compared to other people I know), but I would definitely want a partner who desires me. I also would never want to make a partner feel like they'd have to do something they don't feel comfortable doing.

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3 minutes ago, Fanny Magnet said:

I’m a heteroromantic male and I’d date Katie Price, I’d take her and Harvey to a Mac Donald’s for happy meals all round.

Okayyyyy

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  • 3 weeks later...
MartinFellow

Hey guys, sorry if I'm not supposed to be in this thread but I was hoping maybe I could help!

I see a lot of times when people say they wouldn't date an asexual it's because they want a sexual relationship with their partner. Just a heads up that many aces are sex favorable and will gladly engage in sexual activities and even enjoy them! Some don't, but it really depends on the person.

 

I just wanted to clear that up because it seems that the general impression is that being in a relationship with an asexual means no sex or that sex is a chore.

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3 hours ago, MartinFellow said:

Hey guys, sorry if I'm not supposed to be in this thread but I was hoping maybe I could help!

I see a lot of times when people say they wouldn't date an asexual it's because they want a sexual relationship with their partner. Just a heads up that many aces are sex favorable and will gladly engage in sexual activities and even enjoy them! Some don't, but it really depends on the person.

 

I just wanted to clear that up because it seems that the general impression is that being in a relationship with an asexual means no sex or that sex is a chore.

I can only speak for myself here and appreciate the points you're making, but I believe most people in this thread are aware of sex favourable aces (I thought I was one for a while, actually).

 

I'm definitely not someone who needs a lot of sex in a relationship, but mutual desire matters a great deal to me. I think even if I knew that my (hypothetic) ace partner enjoyed having sex with me, at the end of the day they still weren't into it in the same way I was, and sooner or later that would definitely become a problem.

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6 hours ago, MartinFellow said:

Just a heads up that many aces are sex favorable and will gladly engage in sexual activities and even enjoy them!

What I've found is the vast majority of asexuals actually do not innately wish to engage in sexual activity. Many do end up doing it for the sake of their sexual partner, and while it's usually slightly easier to start with it ends up being more like a chore they try to put off doing, and then will end up causing a lot of issues within the relationship as they try to get out of having sex so their partner thinks the ace doesn't love them anymore, or the partner at least wishes for mutual sexual desire which the ace cannot reciprocate etc. I've seen this happen even with asexuals who can initially enjoy the feelings of sex at the start - it usually still ends up being something they have to force themselves to do, they try to avoid, and it ends up causing a lot of issues in the relationship.

 

Actual sex favourability the way you seem to mean it (being able to enjoy sex long term with no issues) is extremely rare among asexuals because for the most part someone who can do that will have no reason to question their sexual orientation beyond who they actually want to have sex with. An asexual person doesn't innately desire sex with anyone, so that's usually the first key for them that they're asexual. Even if they're having sex and maybe even orgasming from it, they find they never innately desire it and would be much happier without it. They start Googling if there's a word for "having no desire for sex" "not wanting sex with anyone" etc and that's how they end up on AVEN. Whereas someone who genuinely enjoys sex and loves having it is much less likely to ever think "I don't actually want sex and my lack of desire for it is causing so many issues in my relationships, I wonder if there's a word for this?" so they're much less likely to end up identifying as asexual.

 

Asexuality at its core is a lack of an innate desire to connect sexually with other people for pleasure. Someone who loves having sex long term and can genuinely find pleasure in it etc is much less likely to end up questioning whether they are asexual, so the vast majority of asexuals end up falling into the "I really don't have innate desire to have sex with anyone" category! :):cake:

 

edit: and the other side of that of course is that mutual sexual desire is very important for most sexual people, so even if an ace can enjoy sex many sexual people sadly (but understandably) end up dissatisfied with that within a relationship because the mutual desire is not there. That's just one of the many reasons why being asexual is so freaking difficult!! 

 

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6 hours ago, MartinFellow said:

Hey guys, sorry if I'm not supposed to be in this thread but I was hoping maybe I could help!

I see a lot of times when people say they wouldn't date an asexual it's because they want a sexual relationship with their partner. Just a heads up that many aces are sex favorable and will gladly engage in sexual activities and even enjoy them! Some don't, but it really depends on the person.

 

I just wanted to clear that up because it seems that the general impression is that being in a relationship with an asexual means no sex or that sex is a chore.

I DUNNO the others BUT

I can speak for myself. Yea dating with an asexual doesn’t mean no sex. If i really love somebody which is really hard bcz im also aromantic but i can sex with him. Still end of the day i will be with own my own and what’s happened gonna upset me. Its like punishing myself for somebody . Im get over this stuff. Like yea i can sex with annnnyone my bf or someone i like. Thats not the point. The point is we are asexual. If the partner is allosexual… there is always gonna be problem anyway.(MY THOUGHTS)😌

 

i can some things for him but if he keep asking for more than that (although he knows that im an asexual ). He need to do something for me too like i did. The opposite would be UNFAIR. And then I’ll doubt this situation or him “love” duh.

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8 hours ago, MartinFellow said:

I see a lot of times when people say they wouldn't date an asexual it's because they want a sexual relationship with their partner. Just a heads up that many aces are sex favorable and will gladly engage in sexual activities and even enjoy them! Some don't, but it really depends on the person.

Well aware, having been in a previous relationship with one for about nine years, but a lot of what @PanFicto. said rings true. At this point I have zero interest in having sex with someone who doesn't truly desire me, preferably quite strongly. It's just too tied to emotional intimacy for me. Engaging in sex with someone who just sort of likes some aspects of it well enough but never craves it, or me, isn't the level of intensity I need.

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MartinFellow

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2 hours ago, PanFicto. said:

Actual sex favourability the way you seem to mean it (being able to enjoy sex long term with no issues) is extremely rare among asexuals because for the most part someone who can do that will have no reason to question their sexual orientation beyond who they actually want to have sex with. An asexual person doesn't innately desire sex with anyone, so that's usually the first key for them that they're asexual. Even if they're having sex and maybe even orgasming from it, they find they never innately desire it and would be much happier without it. They start Googling if there's a word for "having no desire for sex" "not wanting sex with anyone" etc and that's how they end up on AVEN. Whereas someone who genuinely enjoys sex and loves having it is much less likely to ever think "I don't actually want sex and my lack of desire for it is causing so many issues in my relationships, I wonder if there's a word for this?" so they're much less likely to end up identifying as asexual.

 

Asexuality at its core is a lack of an innate desire to connect sexually with other people for pleasure. Someone who loves having sex long term and can genuinely find pleasure in it etc is much less likely to end up questioning whether they are asexual, so the vast majority of asexuals end up falling into the "I really don't have innate desire to have sex with anyone" category! :):cake:

You are actually right, as I am one of those people, lol. For the longest time I thought I was just really bad at being pansexual. I like sex, I could have it every day with no issue, and I find some people very nice to look at. Why would I ever think I was ace? And I didn't, for the longest time. I just never really sought out relationships or sex. It was fun, but too much work. It wasn't until recently that I started questioning after watching an ace memes video that resonated a lot with me. Then it wasn't until I understood the difference between aesthetic and sexual attraction that it all clicked. Granted, I don't think I am 100% ace, but definitely heavily on the ace spectrum. If I had to choose a microlabel, probably aegosexual, but idk. I find the microlabels confusing and numerous so I just stick with asexual, the umbrella term. But yeah, no desire for sex at all, but thoroughly enjoy it. Basically some weird combination of Mollymauk Tealeaf and Caduceus Clay if that makes sense, lol.

 

Now this isn't to tell you that you're wrong. Everyone is entitled to date whomever they wish and not date whomever they don't. And yes, I am probably a bit different from most aces. I guess the point is that theoretically it can work out. I guess I just got a bit sore because as an ace and aromantic person I sometimes feel that if get a partner I should keep it hidden from them for fear of being rejected.

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4 minutes ago, MartinFellow said:

Now this isn't to tell you that you're wrong.

Yeah I was mostly just responding to how you said "many" aces can enjoy sex, haha.. I think a lot of sexual partners here wish that was true :P (even though again, enjoyment isn't really enough for many people as it's the mutual desire they need for a truly intimately satisfying relationship, just one of the many things that makes mixed relationships so difficult)

 

7 minutes ago, MartinFellow said:

Granted, I don't think I am 100% ace, but definitely heavily on the ace spectrum. If I had to choose a microlabel, probably aegosexual, but idk. I find the microlabels confusing and numerous so I just stick with asexual, the umbrella term. But yeah, no desire for sex at all, but thoroughly enjoy it

I'm in a slightly different place as I found I can potentially desire sexual intimacy in the right circumstances (if the other person is perfectly content without sex and will never expect it), but enjoying it is very difficult for me! I've never physically enjoyed sex when I had it in person, and have only been able to enjoy it online (in text) with a few specific people under very specific circumstances! I'm definitely not asexual as the desire is there sometimes even if it's restricted solely to fantasy (ie fictional characters) and online scenarios.. but yeah I have no idea if I could actually enjoy it if I had it in 'real life'. I had a lot of it in the past and hated every moment of it, but that was before I knew about asexuality and believed painful sex was just something females had to bear without choice, and was also never aroused for it (arousal is very difficult for me to achieve). So yeah because of all that I know I'm not asexual, but I'll probably never physically have sex again and don't want to so I ID as "celibate by choice" even though I probably do fall somewhere in the grey area technically. It's just easier for me to avoid labels though I've found! :)

 

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MartinFellow
4 minutes ago, PanFicto. said:

Yeah I was mostly just responding to how you said "many" aces can enjoy sex, haha.. I think a lot of sexual partners here wish that was true :P (even though again, enjoyment isn't really enough for many people as it's the mutual desire they need for a truly intimately satisfying relationship, just one of the many things that makes mixed relationships so difficult)

 

I'm in a slightly different place as I found I can potentially desire sexual intimacy in the right circumstances (if the other person is perfectly content without sex and will never expect it), but enjoying it is very difficult for me! I've never physically enjoyed sex when I had it in person, and have only been able to enjoy it online (in text) with a few specific people under very specific circumstances! I'm definitely not asexual as the desire is there sometimes even if it's restricted solely to fantasy (ie fictional characters) and online scenarios.. but yeah I have no idea if I could actually enjoy it if I had it in 'real life'. I had a lot of it in the past and hated every moment of it, but that was before I knew about asexuality and believed painful sex was just something females had to bear without choice, and was also never aroused for it (arousal is very difficult for me to achieve). So yeah because of all that I know I'm not asexual, but I'll probably never physically have sex again and don't want to so I ID as "celibate by choice" even though I probably do fall somewhere in the grey area technically. It's just easier for me to avoid labels though I've found! :)

 

I am terribly sorry to hear that you've had bad experiences, that totally sucks! But I am glad that you found what works for you! That's a very important thing that I think everyone should seek to understand about themselves. 🙂

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