Your attitude here is encouraging and refreshing to sexuals

[marriedandstaying]

I have been reading many posts for a few days...thanks to awareness due to the Montel show. I am realizing so much now, that I'm a bit overwhelmed. I wonder if my husband is asexual. Perhaps he is just lo-sexual? When I look back on our relationship, I realize that sex was never quite as important to him as it was to me. He'd rather sleep than be physically affectionate with me.

We've been married for 19 years and have 2 daughters. Some parts of our relationship are good, such as the common manner and focus on raising the girls. Some parts are terrible, such as the intimacy. Our sex life has dwindled and there are times that we go months without sex. In 2006 we had sex maybe 4 or 5 times, alll but once at my initiation. And by no sex, I also mean no touching in a meaningful way. I get pecks hello and goodbye and goodnight everyday, but they look and feel the same as his pecks to his mother in the same circumstances!

I used to joke to friends that he doesn't touch me unless he wants sex. That is, indeed true, but I didn't go on to say to these same friends that this touching-leading-to-sex happens so infrequently. I was and still am so embarassed by this. It feels like I am a failure as a wife and woman.

I have spent the years of our relationship wondering what was wrong with me. I spent some time on a different message board posting my concerns, and was berated by the membership there. I jumped in to post before realizing how hostile some of the members were. That scared me away from the web for information for a long time. I have been lurking here first and feel quite safe to post. I have read so many respectful posts...so to all of you who did that, thank you!

I am sure that I'll check back when I can. I have learned so much and applied much of the advice that seemed like it would work for me. I finally realized that I may not be the problem. Perhaps my husband is just so differently sex-driven than I am, but it is very much of a problem. I feel so disconnected. I recently started to wonder about asking him if I could experience sex outside of our marriage. In truth, that was just a fantasy of a thought. I would never do that for a variety of reasons which aren't negotiable. For those same reasons, I'll not seek an official divorce but I have begun to realize that our lives together may be ending soon. I feel an urge to develop a life outside of this unsatisfying partnership. I don't know that I'll be satisfied with occupational or social pursuits, but I know that the way things are, aren't working! Once the girls are grown, we'll have nothing in common.

I'm rambling, sorry....none of the marriage sites seem to have a place for me to express this problem. It's so hard to go to bed with someone on a regular basis and not be touched or passionately kissed. it's hard to spend time getting all dolled up for a 'date" and not to be told that I look pretty or smell good or nice. After years of shaving my legs "just in case tonights the nite"! ... I feel an emptiness that is difficult to explain. I cannot believe that I may feel this ache forever. I am 41 years old and got married at age 21 for all of the right reasons...I just didn't know that this particular difficulty was ahead. I guess all marriages have troubles, don't they? I am hoping to figure this out.

One more thing. My husband and I don't communicate very well on emotional things. I am a big talker, but he is not emotional nor does he enjoy or engage in lengthey philosophical or itellectual debates. He's a hard working, old fashioned honorable guy, with no touchy-feely words that he chooses to speak! In the past, he's brushed off my complaints or concerns by saying that he's tired. Which he is...he works a lot. However, some of the shifts are voluntary. Hmmm...perhaps he's making opportunities to avoid me?

I'll stop for now but just wanted to say thanks. God Bless you for your very kind ways and your honesty.

[yam]

Welcome. I hope you find the answers you are looking for and that we can offer you the support that you need right now to help make life a little bit better.

[Platy79]

What advice can you give me on my situation.... I'm in the same boat as you, only I've only been married 3 years and no kids.... but the same everywhere else.... he doesnt like to talk much about it and has some excuse everytime I try to talk.... and I'm only 27...

[Chiaroscuro]

Hi Married,

Welcome to Aven, I hope it helps you cope with your situation. I'm a sexual man in a 16 year marriage, and am in the same boat as you are (with the important exception that my wife will, sometimes reluctantly, talk to me about our problem). The one crucial bit of information that Aven can offer is that, if your husband is asexual, it's not about you. It's also not really about him, so whatever resentment and anger you're feeling isn't about him and his choices, it's about your common situation. That's really very big. The feeling you get when you go to bed at night and don't snuggle? That's not him feeling disgusted or cold towards you. It doesn't invalidate your grief at the lack of intimacy, but the frustration isn't being inflicted on you by him for some purpose. It isn't a "hint". It's just how he is.

In my case, I'm beginning to fear the divide can never really be bridged (unless we can successfully manage some sort of sex-outside-the-marriage deal). Either I'm going to have to become celibate, or our marriage will have to end. There's no other option.

It's very sad, but you're not alone, and Aven's a great place to begin to figure out what the shape of your personal obstacle is. If you can encourage your husband to visit the site, I found that my wife and I being on here together was very helpful.

Good luck. Hugs.

-Chiaroscuro

[marriedandstaying]

...And also comforting. I experienced an 'aha" momen after reading several of your posts. Thank you for sharing. Now, an important question for you...actually a series of questions, please? When did you realize that you and your wife were on a different sexual wavelength? Once realizing it, how long before you realized that it wasn't a phase or just something that was slightly different-but-manageable? Did you discuss it and decide not to aks for (or hope for) sexual intimacy anymore, or did it just fade into fewer and fewer contacts, until it never happened again? At what point did you broach it with her and bring her onto this site? I don't mean to be intrusive, please don't feel obligated to divulge anything that is none of my business! Thank you for helping and welcoming me.

[marriedandstaying]

I wish I had advice for you. I am so new to understanding that I wouldn't presume to advise anyone just yet. I just hope for peace in the situation for you. As for how to get to that peaceful place...I am not sure what to tell you. Your posts were also encouraging to read. I learned a lot after reading your notes. I still have a lot to learn. I didn't even know such a characterization as "asexual" existed before I saw it on Montel. It had never ocurred to me that this could have been the difference between my husband and me, rather than something "wrong" with me. I could nearly cry for the years I wasted putting myself down, wondering what I needed to do to fix myself....anyway. Sorry I just made this answer 'all about ME!" And sorry I don't have any advice for you.

[Chiaroscuro]

Hi Married,

When did you realize that you and your wife were on a different sexual wavelength?

Early on, actually. I was always more eager to jump into bed, to hug, to kiss than she was. But I put it down to being the guy, and everyone knows that guys want sex more than women (my wife Sunset encouraged that belief!).

Once realizing it, how long before you realized that it wasn't a phase or just something that was slightly different-but-manageable?

It only became a real issue, on a threatening-the-marriage scale, five years ago when repressed memories of her childhood sexual abuse began to surface powerfully. She'd always felt uneasy about certain situations that had occurred with her father, but it didn't "break open" until fairly recently. Since then, sex (and physical intimacy in general), has dropped off dramatically. We have tried here and there to have sex, but this year, her new-year's resolution is "I will be celibate in 2007!" For her, being sex-less is a tremendous gift. It's like some huge weight has been lifted off of her shoulders. She doesn't like what it means for me, and potentially the marriage, but both of those are eclipsed by the joy of being free of any expectation of intimacy.

Did you discuss it and decide not to aks for (or hope for) sexual intimacy anymore, or did it just fade into fewer and fewer contacts, until it never happened again?

We always discussed sex, and it could become pretty heated. She said that my "addiction" to pornography turned her off. She said that I demanded sex too often. I felt rejected and angry, like her disinterest in sex was directed at me. I suspected that she didn't really desire me, but had married me because I was safe and would give her children. Lots of unhealthy stuff that it turns out had nothing to do with anything.

And the contacts did fade somewhat before dropping off precipitously. The killer for me was when i began sleeping in the living room. That hurt terribly. I slept on the floor (on the carpet) for a long time before we went out and bought a futon couch. I felt humiliated (still do), and the idea of making that move permanent was something I really didn't want. I felt like it was a symbolic moment... that our physical relationship was really over at that point.

At what point did you broach it with her and bring her onto this site?

Sunset brought me here, actually. I was originally on a sexless marriage site, which was full of very hurt, very confused, very angry people (all sexuals like you and I). I emailed her a number of quotes that I thought addressed things we'd been fighting about. For example, she didn't think any women would be feeling what I was feeling... that it was all a function of my hyper-active male sex drive. After receiving a half-dozen posts by unhappy women like yourself, she grudgingly admitted that maybe it wasn't my sex drive that was the issue. So she began to explore asexuality and began emailing me quotes from Aven that showed how SHE was feeling. It opened my eyes, and I came over here. Now the poor A's can't get rid of me:)

-Chiaroscuro

[BunnyK.]

It may be a little late, Chiaroscuro, but you can add my voice to your pile of undersexed women - I'm up for it 1, 2, occasionally even 3 times A DAY and my boyfriend is up for it maybe that many times a week. :P

I'm pretty certain he's the normal one here, though.

:lol:

[Placebo]

So she began to explore asexuality and began emailing me quotes from Aven that showed how SHE was feeling. It opened my eyes, and I came over here. Now the poor A's can't get rid of me:)

-Chiaroscuro

Ooh, but we love you Chiaro!