Married with little kids- how can I help my sexual husband out?

[MommyPants]

Hi there,

I’m very new to all of this as I have just recently figured out that I must be asexual. Am relating most with Fray and Gray but since I’m 11 years married with an 8 year old and 1 year old, does it even matter lols?! 
There’s so much I could dump here about my history or feelings, or how this is to process, my fears, relief... you name it. But I’ll just say that my husband and are so tight and close, communicate so well, have been through the wringer together with tough first kid, our parents’ deaths (thus no grandparents helping)... we just have shared a lot and been through a lot. I feel our love is super strong and when sharing this identity discovery with him, he felt relief, like... he could stop worrying what his part was in all of this (poor fella). Happy that I was fully owning it, that sort of thing. He took it really well, but I think probably because he’s so worn down and bummed out sexually that this isn’t really newsworthy! It’s not like I’m taking away some tasty treat that he’s been enjoying! 

In response to me talking about options to be fair to him he said :

1) obviously we can take divorce  of the table. We’re super happy and in love.

2) would love to go bang someone in the bathroom right now but it’s not that easy and don’t want to talk to anyone or arrange anything or get to know them.

3) we have little kids so i don’t feel like I have any time to go have some out of marriage thing AND feel kind of yucky doing that, like putting the kids to bed and then going and hAving some other life. 

 

so my question is this...

— with little kids involved do we just hang in there for him and maybe in another 10’year we consider swinging or something? That could fit with my fray stuff 

—- what’s he to do now? And me? Should i encourage him to do something outside of marriage and if so what have people found works well with little kids and stuff? 
 

welcome any words of wisdom for this new stage we are in. Thank you so much!! 
 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Just thoughts from one person..
As much as you might want to do something, if you don't want to offer sex (which is your right), and you're staying together, then it's he has to find ways to satisfy himself.  You telling him you're willing that he can take it to someone else outside the marriage is already more than usually possible, and if he knows you're ok with it then it's up to him to take you up on that, though if he's monogamous then it could be really hard to do, and all you can do is help him sort his feelings around any of it, and see what he really wants and is ok with.

As for kids, I guess it comes down to finding ways to take care of them when something comes up, including getting someone to watch them if you both want time together or for something.

[DemonicEnby]

As for many things and pertaining partnerships in general is communication. What are you comfortable with? I myself rarely had monogamous relationships to begin with though to me the bodily stuff never mattered much. So yes, I did say verbatim "well, go for it, have fun but use protection (or make sure the potential partner is clean)". And no, I was never jealous nor was I bothered by it. It might be a solution but the important thing is being comfortable with it in the end. 

Though being open about not caring about sex and being grey (if not fully ace) could be an indication of the why behind it. 

As for the kids. Well. They are usually smarter than you'd ever give them credit for and that could lead to uncomfortable questions there. If the small bean asks I will answer, if he doesn't I won't be pointing out anything. As he is nine and currently much more interested in video games than anything else I'm counting my blessings for the time being. To him it is normal that his mom and dad are not sharing a bed and are just roommates in the same house and are not married anymore. And said dad had a relationship with another woman a few years back. So mom staying single is a very regular thing.

As for the gender thing and general asexual/greysexual thing... Well, I don't care much about pronouns and stuff so as I am mom to him and had some realisations just a short while ago. We'll see where that goes and I'm treating that as a "future me problem". 

[anisotrophic]

6 hours ago, MommyPants said:

so my question is this...

— with little kids involved do we just hang in there for him and maybe in another 10’year we consider swinging or something? That could fit with my fray stuff 

—- what’s he to do now? And me? Should i encourage him to do something outside of marriage and if so what have people found works well with little kids and stuff?

@Mountain House is generally great with tips for exploring this!

 

Two things to focus on first: learning, and (potentially) cultivating independence.

 

I’ve got kids between those age ranges and one thing that happened to us is ... we don’t take time for ourselves, separately. Working towards it becoming normal for one parent to spend the evening out is important. Both parents need it. You don’t want to jump into this with one partner getting some extra time to themselves & the other is carrying an extra load to support it. Earn it & give it to each other.

 

The other is to learn, learn, learn. Get books about “open relationships” and “polyamory”. Learn the common mistakes. Talk about it. What you’re wary of, what you’re worried about, what you want to get out of it, etc.

 

What you want might be different. For example, at the moment... I’d summarize my interest in dating as “I want sex to be fun again”. That said, I’m not really trying — it’s a lot of work, or I’m picky, whatever.

 

Don’t rush into it. It’s very doable but it’s important not to assume it’s simple or easy — that’s likely to lead to pain and bad outcomes you might’ve avoided.

 

For example, be prepared for unequal outcomes. One person might find something they are really happy about & distracted by — and the other... doesn’t.

 

And people fall in love, or at least get crushes (it’s hard to tell which it is until time passes, right?) — I’ve done it, randomly, I wasn’t even looking for (or ever getting) sex or romance at that time — you still love one person (the one you’ve loved for a long time) but get slammed with a new one & all the obsessive thoughts. (It was VERY confusing, I never thought that could happen to me.) It might not happen, but assuming it won’t is a common mistake.

[MommyPants]

1 hour ago, anisotrophic said:

@Mountain House is generally great with tips for exploring this!

 

Two things to focus on first: learning, and (potentially) cultivating independence.

 

I’ve got kids between those age ranges and one thing that happened to us is ... we don’t take time for ourselves, separately. Working towards it becoming normal for one parent to spend the evening out is important. Both parents need it. You don’t want to jump into this with one partner getting some extra time to themselves & the other is carrying an extra load to support it. Earn it & give it to each other.

 

The other is to learn, learn, learn. Get books about “open relationships” and “polyamory”. Learn the common mistakes. Talk about it. What you’re wary of, what you’re worried about, what you want to get out of it, etc.

 

What you want might be different. For example, at the moment... I’d summarize my interest in dating as “I want sex to be fun again”. That said, I’m not really trying — it’s a lot of work, or I’m picky, whatever.

 

Don’t rush into it. It’s very doable but it’s important not to assume it’s simple or easy — that’s likely to lead to pain and bad outcomes you might’ve avoided.

 

For example, be prepared for unequal outcomes. One person might find something they are really happy about & distracted by — and the other... doesn’t.

 

And people fall in love, or at least get crushes (it’s hard to tell which it is until time passes, right?) — I’ve done it, randomly, I wasn’t even looking for (or ever getting) sex or romance at that time — you still love one person (the one you’ve loved for a long time) but get slammed with a new one & all the obsessive thoughts. (It was VERY confusing, I never thought that could happen to me.) It might not happen, but assuming it won’t is a common mistake.

Thank you so much for this thoughtful and smart response! I agree that research and not rushing anything seems best. Expecting tough things etc

appreciate your perspective on having kids and the alone time and breaks or picking up slack. Who has time for this, right?! 
thanks again-  So helpful. 🙌🏽

[MommyPants]

2 hours ago, DemonicSister said:

As for many things and pertaining partnerships in general is communication. What are you comfortable with? I myself rarely had monogamous relationships to begin with though to me the bodily stuff never mattered much. So yes, I did say verbatim "well, go for it, have fun but use protection (or make sure the potential partner is clean)". And no, I was never jealous nor was I bothered by it. It might be a solution but the important thing is being comfortable with it in the end. 

Though being open about not caring about sex and being grey (if not fully ace) could be an indication of the why behind it. 

As for the kids. Well. They are usually smarter than you'd ever give them credit for and that could lead to uncomfortable questions there. If the small bean asks I will answer, if he doesn't I won't be pointing out anything. As he is nine and currently much more interested in video games than anything else I'm counting my blessings for the time being. To him it is normal that his mom and dad are not sharing a bed and are just roommates in the same house and are not married anymore. And said dad had a relationship with another woman a few years back. So mom staying single is a very regular thing.

As for the gender thing and general asexual/greysexual thing... Well, I don't care much about pronouns and stuff so as I am mom to him and had some realisations just a short while ago. We'll see where that goes and I'm treating that as a "future me problem". 

THank you thank you this is great advice on needing to be comfortable and figuring out what that means. Great to hear your experience too. Thank you🙌🏽

[MommyPants]

7 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Just thoughts from one person..
As much as you might want to do something, if you don't want to offer sex (which is your right), and you're staying together, then it's he has to find ways to satisfy himself.  You telling him you're willing that he can take it to someone else outside the marriage is already more than usually possible, and if he knows you're ok with it then it's up to him to take you up on that, though if he's monogamous then it could be really hard to do, and all you can do is help him sort his feelings around any of it, and see what he really wants and is ok with.

As for kids, I guess it comes down to finding ways to take care of them when something comes up, including getting someone to watch them if you both want time together or for something.

Thank you- I found your perspective on him needing to take the lead on finding something else or at least deciding if he would want to- useful. I am sure that I feel responsible for ALL of the things wrong w our sex life and so your comment helped me take a breath. Thanks!🙌🏽

[uhtred]

I think it depends a lot on the situation.   I'm a sexual male married to a  nearly asexual woman for .... over 30 years.  I only recently discovered asexuality existed, and she still doesn't think she is atypical at all, or that there is any problem. 

 

Its not a situation I would recommend to anyone.  For us its  a constant cloud over an otherwise great marriage:  I'm constantly feeling unloved, and she feels pressured (even if I don't say anything because she knows how much it means to me). 

 

A few thoughts

Please don't stay for the children's sake.  My parents did that  - and it did far more damage to me than a divorce would have done.  I saw two parents who constantly talked about how the "loved" each other - but did nothing to show it.  No affection, just duty.   I grew up with a very twisted idea of what "love" looked like and its part of the reason I ended up in this badly mismatched relationship.

 

You need to find out what matters to him.  Is it *sex*.   That is the easiest - if all he wants is the mechanical act of sex.   That isn't very likely. It may be *desire* (which is what maters to me) - and that is something you cannot give him, because it is something you don't feel.    Its possible he could get that somewhere else.    It may be that for him, love and sex are intimately tied together - in that case there really is no solution - he may not really be able to feel love without sex and you cannot give him that, nor can anyone else outside of a relationship.

 

So talk to  him and find out what reall matters to him.  What matters to you.  See if there is a sex life (possibly including others) that will make you *both* happy.  If the honest answer is yes - then great.  But if its now, don't stay together for the sake of the marriage.  If the relationship / marriage isn't making BOTH of you happy, then it is not worth preserving. 

[Guest]

It's really up to him to find what works outside marriage if that's your agreement on how to compromise. 

 

Though... if you're fray and want sex too, just with others, maybe you could suggest one night a week or so you two go to a munch or married couples club or whatever is in your area and interests and find people to play with either together or separate but "together"? Fetlife and other sites often have events for swingers, BDSM partner sharing, etc (no idea what you two are into). And if you make it into like a couples night out hooking up with others maybe he'd feel less weird about putting the kids to bed and going out?

[Mountain House]

Hi @MommyPants,

@anisotrophichit the highlights.  Did you search my posts?

 

For you maybe:

Reading - Opening Up by Tristan Taormino

podcast - Normalizing Non-Monogamy Podcast

 

Feel free to PM