I love my partner but feel guilty consuming erotic media

[spacepancakes]

Pretty much says it all in the title really but I have recently rediscovered a genre of *erotic material* that I really enjoy and have started masturbating again. I was quite comfortable identifying as on the ace spectrum but its almost become an obsession of mine to consume this content and while I only masturbate maybe 10% of the time, I still feel guilty for being aroused and directing that arousal away from my partner. I still love my partner and want to be with them but the fantasy this material provides me with is something they just cant give me, does anyone have any advice if they've been in a similar situation? 

[Phalena]

Hello there! Welcome to AVEN! It's tradition to greet new members with cake. Here you go:

I haven't been in a similar situation. The generally accepted def of "asexual" consists of "attraction with no direction (towards other people, plants, animals etc.). So you masturbating only involves you. That in itself is not a problem. Masturbating is nothing to be ashemd of, no matter your sexuality. It's important to communicate with your partner. You both need to articulate your individual needs to find a common ground if possible. Is having sex with your partner impossible for you? Where is your limit; the point from which you don't feel comfortable anymore? How high is your partner's need for sex? Is masturbation enough? Is an open relationship an option? If yes, what should it look like?

[O. Chestnut]

I am not sure if I will answer your question but I also feel the need to masturbate sometimes and consume particular erotic material without masturbation. The first thing I would say has to do with libido which has nothing to do with my asexuality: as in, I just need the physical release. The second thing I would say, for me, is that I like the aesthetic of it, if that makes sense. I have heard about a term "autochorissexual" though, which I think might also explain this situation. Like you like the material and you are aroused but you do not want to do any of those things yourself, you just need the physical release. That might explain why you do not want to direct this towards your partner. Like, you like watching or reading or whatever about those things but do not want to do them yourself.

I feel like what I wrote is a mess but I hope I could help...

 

[Phalena]

(Please ignore this reply here. I was brain-dead at that moment).

[spacepancakes]

8 minutes ago, Phalena said:

Hello there! Welcome to AVEN! It's tradition to greet new members with cake. Here you go:

I haven't been in a similar situation. The generally accepted def of "asexual" consists of "attraction with no direction (towards other people, plants, animals etc.). So you masturbating only involves you. That in itself is not a problem. Masturbating is nothing to be ashemd of, no matter your sexuality. It's important to communicate with your partner. You both need to articulate your individual needs to find a common ground if possible. Is having sex with your partner impossible for you? Where is your limit; the point from which you don't feel comfortable anymore? How high is your partner's need for sex? Is masturbation enough? Is an open relationship an option? If yes, what should it look like?

Thank you for the welcome and taking time out of your day to help, I really appreciate it. We do have sex and I can enjoy it most of the time, I guess the guilt comes from not actively seeking the interaction with my partner and rather passively going along with it when I’m approached. We have talked before about my potential ace-nes and they’re very understanding, I have no problem with them masturbating when I’m not in the mood and can’t give them what they need so maybe I should be a little easier on myself for feeling the way I do.

[spacepancakes]

Small update on the situation, I spoke to my partner about it and they’re super supportive and happy I’m exploring different parts of my identity. I probably made this whole thing bigger than it is but I do feel a whole lot better having aired it out