Confused, is there a term for allosexuals who don’t want/need sex?

[midnightpretender]

So I’ve been thinking lately and feel kind of contradicted by some revelations I’ve had about sexuality. For context, I’m panromantic and pansexual; I know for sure I’ve experienced sexual attraction, sexual desire, libido, fantasies etc, and do so on a regular basis, but it often seems like I have feelings about sex itself that differ in a weird way from most other allosexuals I’ve met.

 

For example, whenever I think about my orientation in regards to a romantic partner everything I just said gets completely turned around. I realised I have no actual want for sex in relationship, as in whether I’m sexually attracted to someone I’m in a relationship with, or whether they’re sexually attracted to me, is about as important to me as their gender—I’ll probably still have sexual attraction and/or desire normally towards other people (although I’m pretty sure I’m monogamous), but it seems like it just isn’t something I need from a partner specifically? Like, if the other person wanted to have sex and we did I wouldn’t care, but it might be nice if I was attracted to them in that way. But if they didn’t, say, if they were asexual, or just weren’t attracted to my gender sexually, that wouldn’t change how I felt either.

 

A lot of the time it feels like the best way to describe this is that my romantic and sexual orientation are completely separate, and if they are I’m not sure what it’d be labelled as. I’ve looked into fraysexual and placiosexual, but the former seems to have more to do with not being sexually attracted to people you’re intimate with, instead of being fine with intimacy regardless of sexual attraction or lack thereof, and the latter more of being repulsed by reciprocation. Am I just pansexual with different preferences or is there an aspec identity that might fit this? Help would be appreciated.

[Oberon Jasper]

Celibacy might work? It's not technically a sexuality, but it does include being allo without wanting sex?

[Ceebs]

Does it need to have a specific word? I suppose there's a minority of sexual people who just don't really care much and can take it or leave it. Or perhaps you don't connect sex to the emotions you feel for someone?

[Iam9man]

Gray-a might be an identity/label worth exploring, even if you ultimately discount it 😊

[Guest]

I'm a sexual person with no preference to have physical sex. I haven't had it since 2011 and am perfectly happy with that. I'm just celibate by choice. However you seem to be saying you still desire sexual intimacy but not with a a romantic partner? I think I would call that celibate-romantic pansexual if it were me! Or just "pansexual with a preference for celibacy within romantic relationships"

[alto]

I once knew someone like that.  There should be a word for this.

[midnightpretender]

14 hours ago, CBC said:

Or perhaps you don't connect sex to the emotions you feel for someone?

Yeah, I think that’s basically what it is, but I found that strange because from talking to other sexual people about it they’re generally like “yes, if I’m romantically interested in someone I’d usually also be sexually interested in them”, and I’ve found that that’s actually the opposite for me— a majority of the time I don’t even consider sexual attraction in the whole “do I like this person” equation, and whether it turns out I do or I don’t desire sexual intimacy with that person it doesn’t affect my romantic feelings. 

 

Though it wouldn’t really be celibacy in that case, since if I have romantic feelings for someone but not sexual I don’t abstain by choice (unless I’m understanding celibacy wrong?), so much as being unable to have that type of attraction to them in the first place. I guess in the alternate scenario that I did also have sexual feelings towards someone, but didn’t have sex with them it would be considered celibacy? Even then I don’t feel strongly over being celibate or not, so I wouldn’t say I necessarily prefer it in a relationship.

 

I know it isn’t really important to have a label for everything though, it’s more that I personally find things easier to understand and explain when I put a name to them. Grey-ace might be the closest, just that I was wondering if there was something specific to describe that.

[Zagadka]

I'd just say allosexual. There is no reason an allosexual person needs to have sex at any frequency... that is a matter of whatever libido and relationships they have. Plenty of allo people go years without sex without caring.

[Janus the Fox]

Moved to The Grey Area, Sex and Related Discussions

 

Janus DarkFox

Cover Welcome Lounge, Tea and Sympathy/(h)AVEN, Weekends Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

[Guest]

On 4/14/2021 at 2:33 PM, midnightpretender said:

 I don’t abstain by choice (unless I’m understanding celibacy wrong?)

I just define celibacy as "not having sex" (whether by choice or not!). For example, I'm only celibate because my desire for sexual intimacy isn't strong enough to actually make me want to find someone to have sex with, haha. So it's not like something I have to force myself to do or some pledge I made, I just don't desire sex strongly enough to want to go out and find someone to have it with!

[Ultraviolet7]

 

On 4/13/2021 at 7:35 AM, Iam9man said:

Gray-a might be an identity/label worth exploring, even if you ultimately discount it 😊

I second this thought.  Best of luck finding labels that feel right!