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Questions About Aromanticism and Romance


Mezzaluna

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So, recently I’ve been very invested in two original characters of mine and am feeling very inspired to write some stories about them.  One of them is a lovestruck straight male and the other is an aromantic asexual female.  The male is very much in love with the female, but his feelings are not reciprocated.  I want to make the stories I plan to write accurate and therefore I have a few questions for those of you who are aromantic.

 

-Is it uncomfortable when someone actively performs constant romantic gestures towards you?

-I read somewhere that some aromantic people do participate in relationships, but that they are more like intimate friendships.  Is this true and if so, how would that work?


I probably will have more questions that I can’t think of right now and will maybe add later.  Thanks for reading.

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1 hour ago, Mezzaluna said:

-Is it uncomfortable when someone actively performs constant romantic gestures towards you?

Yes.

I had a past boyfriend (before I even knew what aromantic was and that it was okay not to want to be in a romantic relationship) for a short period of time who would snuggle with me constantly, nuzzle his forehead against mine, ect. Every time that happened, I felt my stomach cringing and I felt as if there was some kind of sick feeling underneath my skin. Every time he told me he loved me, I would struggle to say it back because I knew I didn't feel the same way about him, despite how bad I felt about that fact due to not wanting to hurt his feelings.

 

1 hour ago, Mezzaluna said:

-I read somewhere that some aromantic people do participate in relationships, but that they are more like intimate friendships.  Is this true and if so, how would that work?

Those would be QPR (Queerplatonic relationships). While I personally don't believe I've ever experienced one, I believe from what I've read that it's described as something which "goes beyond what it considered normal/socially acceptable for a platonic relationship, yet is not romantic in nature/doesn't fit the traditional idea of a romantic relationship".

Although I've never had a relationship like this, I think it might mean that the romantic attraction isn't there, even though you may snuggle, as I described above with a past relationship of mine. You love each other, but only platonically, even though you may appear extremely close, almost as if you're in a romantic relationship, to those outside of your QPR. But do note, I'm not sure about that, as I've never had a QPR myself (I don't think - and if I have, it's certainly never been made clear that that was what the relationship was).

 

 

Anyways, I love writing and I hope this helps, as an aroace of the female species. lmao.

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Everyone experiences things differently, so aromantics can have different responses to being approached by someone.

 

Typically, the response to someone coming on to them isn't... great. For me, it is more like... "oh great, we had a perfectly good friendship, and now this person is pushing me, making me uncomfortable, and ruining it." Try to be nice and shut down the advances, try to keep the friendship. If the other person is repeated or insistent... easiest to break it off or shut it down. It would certainly be more than uncomfortable for someone to constantly perform romantic gestures. That sounds like crossing a line. If they can't understand "no"... that is on them (and that isn't just an aro thing... if anyone can't take the "no" and keeps being romantic to anyone, that is a problem).

 

Aromantic people frequently very much desire close friendships or queer platonic relationships. The line between "very close friend" and "romantic partner" can be very confusing and hard to define. I'd be happy living with a close friend, sharing with them, some affectionate touching, etc... just not being a "partner" or have romantic or sexual interactions. One of the most common questions is "what is romance and how does an aromantic person know what romance is"... and that is a very good question. Sexuality is confusing, but sex... is sex. Romance... very fuzzy. You can (or should be able to) live together, spend a lot of time together... raise kids together!... but not be romantically interested or connected. For me, the concept of being someone's partner, much less pledging myself to love them for life... be "in love"...

 

Some aromantics also do enter into "romantic" relationships and have a partner like a normal boyfriend or girlfriend, like some aces are happy to have and enjoy sex. They generally don't have a desire for it or seek it out or feel romantic attraction... but can get into a relationship. I can't explain the depths of that, I don't experience it.

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Janus the Fox

Moved to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations

 

Janus DarkFox

Cover Welcome Lounge, Tea and Sympathy/(h)AVEN, Weekends Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

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  • 2 weeks later...

For the first one I would totally agree with @Zagadka. You normally would tell someone to stop and they should respect your decision. Besides that I'm not really into stuff that's cliché romantic, it just seems so forced. I had such beautiful moments looking at the stars or picnicking somewhere without looking each other straight into the eyes and being silent. Joking around and whatever is way more fun and if someone doesn't show any reaction to that, because it's planned differently, that's super annoying. If someone constantly forces their romantic ideas on me, I would very soon stop hanging out with them.

 

And to answer the second question: I've never had a QPR, but I really would like to have one in the future. And i wouldn't mind if I had a romantic partner or a poly relationship. However they would have to go without sex for the rest off their life, since the thought of being in a relationship with someone who still has sex just makes me extremely uncomfortable. If that's not possible we could still have a close relationship like best friends, but sexually active people just aren't a match for me.

In general I imagine it to be quite domestic so that for other people it would look like an average romantic relationship. But I want to be more independent because boundaries usually push me away, I like it more to actually always contribute something to a relationship just because it is precious not because I'm supposed to.

Don't know if this helped, it's so vague since I don't got any examples. 

 

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