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Questioning my sexuality?


twentyonecamillas

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twentyonecamillas

Hello everyone!
I'm Camilla (she/her) and I'm 21. I don't actually know if this is the right place to talk this specifically about one's doubts about sexuality and I apologise in advance if it's wrong.
I approached to AVEN in the past week to educate myself about the Asexual community and the Gray area, since I've always been a little uncertain about my sexuality. I've been dating my boyfriend for more than a year now, but I don't know if I've actually ever experienced sexual attraction...
Before getting to know him I was convincing myself of being asexual because the simple idea of having sex with someone made me gag (and I still feel like this sometimes), but I thought it was due to some bad experiences I had. I had been single all my life before meeting my boyfriend and I never even had some "flirting" experiences until 19 years old. I've always had a very romantic idea of love and relationships in fact, when I finally had my chance with a guy, I was expecting a slow and cute acquaintance before getting serious with a relationship, but it went the opposite way (he was a very perv guy and pushed me to send him explicit pictures, even tho I said no many times, but he mentally manipulated me and eventually I did it just in the hope to keep him close.. very stupid of me). After that experience I closed as a hedgehog and was super disappointed and discouraged about relationships.
In the meantime (March 2019) I started talking to the guy who later became my best friend and then boyfriend. We got to know each other a few months earlier (October 2018) since we both had a tattoo inspired by the same band and a mutual friend got us in contact on Instagram. We live in two different cities, almost 80 miles apart, so we started texting a lot even until late in the night. This started to create a bond between us, also because we had a lot of things in common and he helped me getting over the last bad experience with that guy. We kept talking for months, until I considered him my best friend. We had the chance to meet 3 times in person and every time he was searching for more physical contact, which was fine for what concerned hugs and holding hands, but when he tried (very subtly and gently, nothing forced) to kiss me I almost died inside. I felt so bad and the simple idea of going further made me feel like I needed to puke. This was when I realised, I could actually be asexual. I always lived my crushes for guys in a very romantic way but the idea of sex just made me sick.
Things went on and after my best friend almost pushed me away, I realised I was starting to crush on him, because I never felt such a strong bond for anyone in my life and I thought it might have been worth to try to do something with him. Eventually we got close again and we started dating in November 2019, but it was not official until December 29 since I was still very uncertain about becoming serious in a relationship.
During that period I decided to have my first sexual intercourse because I felt he was the right person to do it, we had created a strong bond and we were really into each other. He was already “expert” on the topic so he helped me a lot. The whole thing was so embarrassing for me, even tho I was totally fine with him and with the fact of being touched. The point is that I don’t think I was actually “horny”, I mean… I didn’t feel sexual attraction. My body obviously responded with arousal since it's physiological, but I was not totally there with my mind. I don’t know how to explain this. I still feel this way when we have sex, I feel my body react to the situation but my mind just isn’t involved and instead I often overthink and can’t enjoy the moment. Also, my boyfriend sometimes complains about the fact that I never start the flirting to then have sex but that’s just because I don’t feel any need do to it at all… like, I don’t even know if I’m interested in it sometimes. I tried to do it once but I felt like I was acting, thinking about every move, and not doing it naturally as normal people do. To me, sex is completely irrelevant and I could live without it, no problem. I’m aware of the fact that I experience libido/arousal sometimes but my mind isn’t “connected”.

My question to you then is, am I somewhere between allosexual and asexual or is it just a personal problem? Because I am a very shy and anxious person, so I thought it might be just a problem of confidence and mental attitude. Also, as an heterosexual, I don’t quite feel worth to be part of the LGBTQ+ community... I don’t know if that’s stupid or offensive, but I apologise if it's the case.

I hope you can help me out a little with this. Thank you all and sorry for the long message, I just felt like letting it all out...

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Sarah-Sylvia

Hi @twentyonecamillas! Welcome to the site! 🍰

 

I read your message and I think it's likely that you're on the asexual spectrum. You could even label yourself as asexual if you wanted, because what you talked about fits with that as well. It's up to you what you feel comfortable as. I consider myself graysexual because when I do have libido I can at certain times (depending on how I feel) enjoy some sexual activities, but it's not important to me and not part of romance for me. And I really like romance :) Like you, sex isn't important to me. I think you'll be able to relate to a lot of people on this site, including those who consider themselves asexual. 

You mentioned that your bf complained about you not initiating, and that got me wondering how much you've told him about your feelings around sex. I think it would be very important for him to know how much sex isn't important to you, though that it doesn't mean you don't want romance, because you're into love.

I can understand not liking 'flirting' or sensual acts when you know it could arouse someone towards wanting sex, I've felt bad around that myself when I feel like cuddling and caressing but someone sexual would want it to get sexual, it's not fun when that happens. But to me things like kissing are romantic, well I say affectionate, so when they don't lead to sex I absolutely love to be sensual with someone. It's too bad that most people are sexual. But everyone's different still, and then we have people like us too :)

I can understand overthinking when it comes to things you aren't naturally motivated for. I hope that if you do continue your relationship that you can come to relax from accepting yourself and your bf accepting how you are too. If you can connect with affection and intimacy, then maybe there are ways to connect to more things through that feeling, and besides that I hope you can be true to how you feel enough to not force yourself to do things, but find reasons you do want to do them, or just follow your heart. ❤️

 

Not everyone on the ace spectrum considers themselves part of lgbtq, some have even had less than pleasant experiences in those groups. I'm generally fine with them, though I am multiple letters in it. But I think you'll find the asexual community much more fitting for a home group. 🌈
I'm glad you made it here, and I hope that learning about asexuality will help you feel that it's ok to be how you are, and work with that.

☀️

 

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Depressed Muffin

Hi and welcome! 🍰 Yes, I think this is the right place to ask :-)

(I'm not trying to 'diagnose' you and I might absolutely say a complete garbage, but this is how it looks from my point of view:)

To me, it sounds like it might be possible that you are really completely asexual. But also it seems like there is some progress going on as you are closer to your boyfriend. I would think about if it's still progressing somewhere, or if it feels like this is the most positive you can ever be about sexual activities (but don't pressure yourself). I am demisexual and when I'm starting to be interested in someone at first I'm just romantically attracted (I want to get to know the person and spend time with him), then I start to feel sensually attracted (hugging, kissing, being physically close, but not sexual yet) and after some time when I feel like there's emotional intimacy happening enough then it finally switches from 'asexual' to 'sexual' and it's like I have never seen anyone this perfect in my entire life. Like he is 'the sweetest candy in a box' and it's kinda confusing where did this come from. As I understand it, it takes a different amount of time, or even different conditions, for everyone. For me the emotional intimacy means being relaxed enough to be really myself, sharing something I don't usually share with people, feeling safe with the person, feeling connected.

 

But I'm definitely not trying to make you wait for years being stressed out for when is the special moment going to be here. It would be beneficial for you to compare this with someone describing how it feels to be fully asexual. One way or another: listen to how you feel in your heart and soul, be real, don't push yourself. You don't need to figure everything out today. Sexuality is complicated and confusing. Just leave the door open, and you will see what makes you comfortable, happy, and fulfilled. If you feel like you can be open about it with your boyfriend, his support could help you a lot also.

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twentyonecamillas
23 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

You mentioned that your bf complained about you not initiating, and that got me wondering how much you've told him about your feelings around sex. I think it would be very important for him to know how much sex isn't important to you, though that it doesn't mean you don't want romance, because you're into love.
I can understand not liking 'flirting' or sensual acts when you know it could arouse someone towards wanting sex, I've felt bad around that myself when I feel like cuddling and caressing but someone sexual would want it to get sexual, it's not fun when that happens. But to me things like kissing are romantic, well I say affectionate, so when they don't lead to sex I absolutely love to be sensual with someone. It's too bad that most people are sexual. But everyone's different still, and then we have people like us too :)

Thank you so much for your kind reply, I felt so relieved and heartwarmed reading it ❤️
About the quoted part, he knows pretty well that we have a different view about sex (and I also talked him about my doubt of being asexual in the past) but I think that maybe he just took that for shyness and thought I just needed to "get used to it". And maybe he's right, I still need to get used to it since it's not easy for me, but I don't think my idea of sex will change to the point I willingly look for it. What is sure is that I will have to better analyse my feelings during those moments and find an answer to my question without forcing myself in/out of labels.
Thank you so much again 😊

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twentyonecamillas
20 hours ago, Depressed Muffin said:

But also it seems like there is some progress going on as you are closer to your boyfriend. I would think about if it's still progressing somewhere, or if it feels like this is the most positive you can ever be about sexual activities (but don't pressure yourself). I am demisexual and when I'm starting to be interested in someone at first I'm just romantically attracted (I want to get to know the person and spend time with him), then I start to feel sensually attracted (hugging, kissing, being physically close, but not sexual yet) and after some time when I feel like there's emotional intimacy happening enough then it finally switches from 'asexual' to 'sexual' and it's like I have never seen anyone this perfect in my entire life. Like he is 'the sweetest candy in a box' and it's kinda confusing where did this come from. As I understand it, it takes a different amount of time, or even different conditions, for everyone. For me the emotional intimacy means being relaxed enough to be really myself, sharing something I don't usually share with people, feeling safe with the person, feeling connected.

Thank you for you kind reply, I really appreciate it 😊
Fortunately the first thing I created with my boyfriend was emotional intimacy so I don't have any problems on this part. I'm aware tho that there's still a lot of progress to do on the sex part, so I will surely do some self-centered work to try to better understand my feelings towards sex. I will also look for more information here in the community and from other asexual people as you suggested, I really think this could help me figure the whole thing out.

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