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Feelings are confusing


theatrenerd

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theatrenerd

Okay so this is probably gonna be a long one but I really need other peoples input on this cause I feel like I am going insane trying to figure out my feelings, I apologize in advance for how confusing my wording may be

 

So clearly as you can see from my profile that I identify as aroace, but for this explanation I'm gonna have to go back and explain a bit of my childhood. So, all throughout my childhood I thought I had a few crushes. "Then how do you identify as aromantic?" may you ask, and honestly with some reflection a few years ago I came to believe that these "crushes" were just extreme platonic attraction (squishes/plushes if you will). I've always heard that aro people had to make up crushes when they were children but for me, cause I THOUGHT I was experiencing romantic attraction. Thinking back at these whatever they were is extremely fuzzy for me but I really was always just fond of them as a person, and I would think about them all the time which I guess from what I've heard could be considered a crush. I never had the phase that a lot of aros had where they try to make themselves date cause that's the "norm", never have kissed anyone which honestly I don't know how I feel about kissing in general but idk if that is because I am aro or if it is just cause I have never tried it. 

 

Now here is where things get complicated. I've been talking to this person and I really genuinely like them but (I think you can see where this is going) I can not tell if I am platonically or romantically attracted to them. I can't stop thinking about them and I constantly talk about them whenever I get the chance to but I'm so confused if I would want to date them or if I just maybe want a QPR or something. I am almost certain that they like me, cause I think they have tried to drop hints several times (even though they know that I identify as aro) which is honestly sending me into even more of a crisis if I am being completely honest. The last thing I would ever want to do is say that I like them, and then later down the line figure out that I am truly aro and hurt them in the process. To make matters even worse, I think I may have accidentally friend-zoned them yesterday cause they asked me something along the lines of "you know when you have a crush on someone, and you desperately want it to turn into something more" which keep in mind the know my aromantic identity so I joked about it until I realized too late that that was probably a hint to me or something. I've never been so confused with my feelings for someone and I really don't know what to do, or where I should even go from here. I can't stop thinking about how nice a relationship with them would be but again, I don't know if I would want it to be a QPR or an actual dating relationship. Every time I am about to bring it up to them, I always convince myself not to and that they probably don't like me back and that it's not worth it. I am just so confused and I really do not know how I am feeling at all at this point in time. The absolute last thing I want to do is to be wrong about my feelings and hurt this person in the process, whether it is that I make the choice to tell them that I actually like them and it turns out that I am actually aro and that I was right OR that I do not tell them how I feel and it turns out that I actually do like them romantically. I haven't genuinely liked a person like this... honestly I would say ever and I reallyyyyyyyy don't know if it is romantic or platonic and it's tearing me apart. I am so scared to even try to bring it up to them and I just dont want to loose them because of this. To make things even more complicated, they are ace too so they're even more perfect in that I would not have to worry about the s*x part of the relationship if this ever actually moves forward (even though we met on the internet but I'm just thinking extremely far down the line if we ever actually get there). There are just so many factors that have been making my brain go insane trying to figure everything out.

 

I honestly don't really know what question I'm asking exactly here, maybe whether or not you guys think this is romantic attraction or extreme platonic attraction?

 

This is all just really, really confusing for me and I really do not know what the hell I am going to do, so I thought I would at least try to seek for some advice at least a little so now I am here :)

Any input to this is really appreciated <3

 

 

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Is there such thing as a DemiAro? Perhaps you are feeling romantic attraction because you have created such a deep connection with them? Dude idk. I had a best friend who I got really, really close to and I wanted to do everything with them and I also talked about them a lot, to the point that I thought I might like them romantically, but after I talked with myself about it little I realized that it wasn't romantic attraction but deep emotionally platonic attraction. I still hangout with them a lot even if we are now estranged. If only I knew we would be separated this long I would have spent more time with her-

-what I am saying is emotions are confusing and you shouldn't stress too much.

 

Maybe you should talk with them about it if you are that close? The easiest way to hurt someone is to not be honest with them, confused or not.

 

If you care, you communicate.

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Thujaplicata

I identify as demiromantic - I've only ever had one crush and it took me almost five years to realize it. I only recently figured it out and it was a struggle. 

 

My advice would be to talk to them, as awful as that sounds. I was pretty sure my now girlfriend liked me too, and so I managed to take the leap and tell her about my confused feelings. She told me she liked me too and to go research QPRs so I'd know all the options. 

 

Actually, I couldn't bring myself to tell her. I kept saying things that accidentally made it sound like I wasn't interested or I got nervous and I felt guilty about it. So I wrote her a letter and sent it via snail mail because I couldn't handle anything else. A letter I could write over a few weeks, seal the envelope, find that instant of bravery to drop it in the mail box and then it was too late to change it. 

 

I did research QPRs, and thought more, and I'm rather confident now that my feelings are romantic.

But I also read a lot about what is romance and such, and I think romance is what we want it to be. And QPRs are also, friendship but more - whatever you want. If you leave sex out of it (please and thank you) then I think what someone calls a domestic partnership doesn't really matter, so long as both people are happy. But that's my personal opinion, and honestly I'm probably still a little confused on the difference between a squish and a crush. 

 

I guess, think about what you want? One question I asked myself was "would I want her as my neighbor, or living in my house?" My answer was that I wanted her in my bed. Which makes me cringe because society says that phrase is sexual but I just like to cuddle! Gah. 

 

Anyway. Telling her was terrifying but I trusted her to hear me out, and to respond well. Even if I was wrong and she didn't like me I trusted that she wouldn't end our friendship over it. It was so stressful, but it was worth it.

 

Think about it I guess. What would be the difference for you between a QPR and a romantic relationship? What do you think you want? To me, the important part was that I liked her and wanted her in my space. 

 

But as always, all of this is for you to decide! 

 

I hope something in that ramble helped!

-Thuja

 

 

 

 

 

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EggplantWitch

 

6 hours ago, Thujaplicata said:

I guess, think about what you want? One question I asked myself was "would I want her as my neighbor, or living in my house?" My answer was that I wanted her in my bed. Which makes me cringe because society says that phrase is sexual but I just like to cuddle! Gah. 

 

Anyway. Telling her was terrifying but I trusted her to hear me out, and to respond well. Even if I was wrong and she didn't like me I trusted that she wouldn't end our friendship over it. It was so stressful, but it was worth it.

 

Think about it I guess. What would be the difference for you between a QPR and a romantic relationship? What do you think you want? To me, the important part was that I liked her and wanted her in my space.

^^ Pretty much what I was going to say too. Stressing out about the label - platonic, romantic, sensual?? - has only helped me personally up to a point, and from my position as some rando on the internet reading your post it sounds like you may have hit that point too. What do you actually WANT from this person? It sounds like you're quite sure that you want to be with them, and they want to be with you! Amazing! Does it really have to be more complicated than that?

 

Well, maybe. But since they're ace too they may also know a thing or two about hazy boundaries between attraction types. You're worried about hurting them down the line if you do settle on a label and that's understandable, so perhaps you could mention this yourself? Honestly, most of what you say in this post you could or even should talk about with them. I know it's scary, but wouldn't it be far worse to miss out on a loving relationship because you weren't sure of the exact nature of the love in it?

 

Best of luck!

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  • 2 weeks later...
theatrenerd
On 4/13/2021 at 11:08 AM, Thujaplicata said:

I identify as demiromantic - I've only ever had one crush and it took me almost five years to realize it. I only recently figured it out and it was a struggle. 

 

My advice would be to talk to them, as awful as that sounds. I was pretty sure my now girlfriend liked me too, and so I managed to take the leap and tell her about my confused feelings. She told me she liked me too and to go research QPRs so I'd know all the options. 

 

Actually, I couldn't bring myself to tell her. I kept saying things that accidentally made it sound like I wasn't interested or I got nervous and I felt guilty about it. So I wrote her a letter and sent it via snail mail because I couldn't handle anything else. A letter I could write over a few weeks, seal the envelope, find that instant of bravery to drop it in the mail box and then it was too late to change it. 

 

I did research QPRs, and thought more, and I'm rather confident now that my feelings are romantic.

But I also read a lot about what is romance and such, and I think romance is what we want it to be. And QPRs are also, friendship but more - whatever you want. If you leave sex out of it (please and thank you) then I think what someone calls a domestic partnership doesn't really matter, so long as both people are happy. But that's my personal opinion, and honestly I'm probably still a little confused on the difference between a squish and a crush. 

 

I guess, think about what you want? One question I asked myself was "would I want her as my neighbor, or living in my house?" My answer was that I wanted her in my bed. Which makes me cringe because society says that phrase is sexual but I just like to cuddle! Gah. 

 

Anyway. Telling her was terrifying but I trusted her to hear me out, and to respond well. Even if I was wrong and she didn't like me I trusted that she wouldn't end our friendship over it. It was so stressful, but it was worth it.

 

Think about it I guess. What would be the difference for you between a QPR and a romantic relationship? What do you think you want? To me, the important part was that I liked her and wanted her in my space. 

 

But as always, all of this is for you to decide! 

 

I hope something in that ramble helped!

-Thuja

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you!!

 

I guess I am just super worried about ruining our friendship if anything cause I don't want to lose them. I completely relate when you said that you kept on saying stuff that made it seem like you were not interested cause every time I do my soul dies a little bit haha. The only thing that is really stopping me from at least starting to communicate these feelings is that if we were to get into a relationship I would hate to lose them if we broke things off. My brain always seems to go to the "what if..." in scenarios and I would be absolutely crushed if we ever stopped talking 

 

You definitely helped, still don't know how exactly I could tell them but it is something I guess I can start thinking about < 3

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theatrenerd
On 4/13/2021 at 6:03 PM, EggplantWitch said:

 

^^ Pretty much what I was going to say too. Stressing out about the label - platonic, romantic, sensual?? - has only helped me personally up to a point, and from my position as some rando on the internet reading your post it sounds like you may have hit that point too. What do you actually WANT from this person? It sounds like you're quite sure that you want to be with them, and they want to be with you! Amazing! Does it really have to be more complicated than that?

 

Well, maybe. But since they're ace too they may also know a thing or two about hazy boundaries between attraction types. You're worried about hurting them down the line if you do settle on a label and that's understandable, so perhaps you could mention this yourself? Honestly, most of what you say in this post you could or even should talk about with them. I know it's scary, but wouldn't it be far worse to miss out on a loving relationship because you weren't sure of the exact nature of the love in it?

 

Best of luck!

Thank you!! Definitely helped, I've been with my thoughts for a bit now and I've thought of a few dialogues that I could bring up in just casual conversations that we sometimes have that could maybe point to the fact that I may be interested even though I'm still confused as hell as to what exactly my feelings are

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Thujaplicata

I'm glad I could help some!

Another thought, though I don't know if it helps. In the midst of such uncertainty, I kind of feel like feelings can...sway one way or another.

In my case if she had said "no, you're just a good friend" I would have been mortified but it would have been relatively easy to just go back to how things had been. (At least, I think so.) There would have been some awkwardness but I know how calm and logical she is and I know myself and I think we would have worked it out. I would have decided "nope, this is going to be a strong platonic desire to spend time together because that's what's acceptable here." If she had said she wanted a QPR, I think it would have been quite easy to say "okay then, we'll decided this isn't romantic" because I didn't even know if it was in the first place. And again, who cared what it was called? As it stands, she had romantic feelings and I decided that, you know what, that works for me too. It was more a decision than a realization. And it could have gone the other way. (Again, at least I think so.) 

So maybe your feelings for them could be willfully...shifted...based on what they want? 

It sounds like you're figuring this out - best of luck! It's incredibly vulnerable to offer someone your confused truth, so I wish you courage and good fortune!

-Thuja

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