Heterosexual Male & Asexual Female: Worries Entering a Relationship?

[discovering_]

Hi all,

 

I'm a heterosexual male (26yo) and have recently been getting really close emotionally to an asexual female (25yo). We are now at a point where we need to make a call – either give a dedicated romantic relationship a try, or try to continue as friends. I have had heterosexual relationships before, she had two asexual-only relationships in the past, the hetero-asexual pairing is new for us. The dilemma here is that emotionally stepping back to 'just friendship' won't really work, as we are too attached. We'd literally have to ignore each other to not fall back into romanticism, which seems like a painful choice to make. We try to be very open about our expectations and needs, so that's a good starting point I feel. Specifically, we've identified the (obvious) challenge that the lack of sex will be a challenge for me. She ruled out the option of having sex just for my benefit, and I respect & accept that. Good point is that she is romantic, meaning that we do connect on a romantic level. 

 

I'm sharing this here as I feel like there might be some worries and concerns for her that she is struggling to articulate to me... my perception is that I'm finding it easier to speak about my thoughts than she does about hers, especially regarding things like feelings of guilt (for her being the way she is and hence us having a few struggles here) and concerns about moving into a relationship (and committing emotionally despite the looming 'sex gap').

I would really appreciate advice & support especially from asexual females who might have been in similar situations: What concerns did you have entering such a relationship? How would you feel about the idea of 'giving it a chance', i.e. openly accepting that this might fail in a couple months' time, thus stepping back from the common ambition of an endless relationship? I would also be interested to hear from heterosexual partners with similar experience: How was it for you entering such a relationship? What were the specific challenges you faced in handling your sexuality overdrive?

 

Thank you for you input and support, I'm sure it'll be helpful in navigating this somewhat complex situation.

[deathreads]

If you try to have sex, it could damage her beyond repair. If you cannot satisfy yourself on your own within your relationship, I would try to see if she would be okay with you sleeping with other people that you aren't necessarily dating or end the relationship. If you can abstain from having sex with her and you are happy, pursue it. Otherwise, stay away.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi.
I think that because everyone's different it's hard to give definitive answers, but I hope you get some thoughts that help one way or another. It's in one way much harder for the sexual person in the relationship, because you're the one that's missing on something potentially important to you in the relationship. Some sexual people also feel unwanted by their partner, because they gravitate towards sexuality for intimacy, while someone asexual doesn't, and it could even be sensuality like for me, which can arouse my partner and cause discomfort for him (or her) due to wanting to take it further but can't (the peak for the the asexual person being in other forms of intimacy they connect with).
If you feel you can handle all that, then you can give it a try, if she's willing to as well, if you both know there could be challenges in the relationship and still want to give it a shot.

That said, all of that challenge on your side can actually become a burden for her too, because (depending on how she is) she could feel not just guilty but also worry that her being asexual is hard on you, that you might miss something, or that she might not be enough somehow. It's normal to have those types of negative thoughts so if you do try together, it can be worth reassuring her that it's ok, that you love her and accept her how she is, and more. It's still worth that you share your other feelings too because it's important to keep open with each other and also know if you do have trouble with some things, and hopefully she doesn't take it on herself but tries to understand and you can both find solutions together. Communication is very important.

When I tried relationships with some sexual people, the pressure of feeling like I had to be sexual was kinda bad at times, and I could feel broken or like I wasn't good enough to meet what was 'normal', so being able to feel free from that pressure and know it's ok is something that would've meant the world for me. If someone feels they 'need' sex in a relationship, I know it's probably best that I not be with them, as much as I might like them, because I can't provide that for them, at least not reliably at all.

So, I hope some of that helps give you some food for thought on the way forward. I hope it works out if you decide to be together.

[Grimalkin]

If you are at the point where you need to "make a call," is it possible that you wouldn't easily be able to slip back into normal friendship as it is? Could you, at this point, go back to normal friendship as if nothing had happened?

 

If not, I would say you might as well give it a shot. You'll just have to be extremely clear with each other what your expectations are-- how much sex, if any, is okay, and whether you are okay with potentially not having sex, etc. etc. 

 

I myself can't speak to her feelings on "giving things a chance." Ultimately, this is between her and you, and none of us can tell you if it will work or not. The best hope you have is just communication, all the time. The moment you stop talking, the moment you don't want to discuss something because it's hard, that's the moment things begin to fail. 

[Traveler40]

The older I get the more I see how folks settle. Why settle on something as basic and fundamental as sexuality? 🤷🏻‍♀️
 

i wonder, If she were gay, would you be considering taking things to the next level? It’s far more than a “sex gap” and she seems to understand that better.  If you’re low to no libido yourself, then it’s understandable. In that case, I can see how it may work as needs are more closely aligned. 
 

You’re so young with your entire life ahead of you. Life is tough enough. Please do yourself a massive favor and read as many threads here as you can - especially and specifically here in the SPFA section. 

 

Your eyes are wide open. Make wise choices.

[Traveler40]

Tangentially, I went to lunch with a friend this week and she asked, “What if your husband went to counseling and the outcome was he suddenly wanted sex?” 🤔 

 

My response was, “He won’t.”

She asked, “How do you know? He might!”

My answer, “There’s clearly a misunderstanding on what asexuality is...”

 

To which she got offended. She blustered a bit then told me how she has a friend who’s asexual and never had a girlfriend.  🙄

 

Many think they understand; They don’t. 

[Guest]

We can't give you much info. Giving up sex is hard for many sexuals. It is doable for some. It really depends on the people involved. 

 

If she said no to sex for your benefit then there will be no sex. Is that something you can give up?

 

Do you both really want a relationship on a time clock if you already know it isnt something you can handle?

 

I would just give it up and be friends, personally. It sounds like no sex is going to be an issue. And it could potentially ruin the friendship to date for a few months and break up over sex. But, if you talk it out and decide you want to give it a shot, then try it out. 

[anisotrophic]

@discovering_ I’d recommend thinking in terms of relationship anarchy and polyamory.

 

It sounds like you have a close interpersonal connection — but a fundamental incompatibility that means you’re not a good “match” in the sexual dimension.

 

However, to have someone in your life with whom you can be your true self, and they with you, and feel loved / valued for your whole self — that’s a precious thing. That “true self” includes sexuality (and lack thereof).

 

I think there’s no “just” to friendship, and sometimes the traditional models of partnership are too rigid. I don’t think you should imagine you can or should indefinitely set aside your sexuality, but neither do you need to require a sexual connection in this particular interpersonal relationship, however you label it.

 

9 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Tangentially, I went to lunch with a friend this week and she asked, “What if your husband went to counseling and the outcome was he suddenly wanted sex?” 🤔 

Sometimes people can’t wrap their heads around it...

 

I mean, I’m at the point where if he suddenly develops an attraction to someone else, go for it! I think? Sort of been there in the past, with us (turns out that hotel room was less eventful than I’d imagined... he admitted many years later 🤦‍♂️).

[uhtred]

I wouldn't get more involved.  Sexual compatibility is important for happy relationships (where both wanting 0 sex also counts as "sexual compatibility"). I just don't see any reason to go down that route.  You can be good friends - in fact her asexuality makes that easy in a way because there is no undercurrent of possible sexual interactions in the future. 

 

Asexuality seems as innate a part of a  person as sexual orientation.  No reason to expect it to ever change. 

 

I think it is good that you have both seen this incompatibility early and are not setting your self up for the sort of misery many of us have faced.

[Y.V.]

Hello!

I’m a sexual woman in a long-term happy relationship with an ace person. From my experience and several other people here on AVEN, I know it can work out wonderfully. From many other AVEN members, I can say that, sadly, the odds aren’t great.

 

So here are the few things I can share with you:

1. Giving up sex isn’t easy. When we have enough of it, it might feel like something non-essential. But the need tends to accumulate over time. So you’ll need to check your libido – if it’s high of even normal-level (as in you’ve never gone for months without sex or did and suffered emotionally), a committed asexual-sexual relationship might not be for you.

2. Being with an asexual doesn’t have to be about settling. To answer an earlier question “Why give up sex?” I have a simple answer from my experience – to be with the love of your life. I know my partner is The One for me, and we are so good together in many other aspects that sex pales in comparison.

3. Intimacy is very important. When we can’t get this feeling of closeness through sex, we need to find something else that is “just for us” and helps us truly connect. So if you choose to start a romantic relationship with this girl and she doesn’t mind experimenting around intimacy, you might look for it though little things you do for or with each other, through touch and so on.

 

And, of course, communication and mutual trust are the key things. If she trusts you, she will be able to share about her guilt if she starts feeling it. If she knows you trust her, she will not question herself again and again whether you are alright – she’ll know that if you aren’t, you’ll tell her.

Whatever you choose to do, hope it works out for you.

[KayleeK]

Sounds like the decision to continue the relationship is your choice. Seems she has made her feelings very clear - she doesnt want to have sex. So the question is whether you can be ok with that. Will you be happy in a relationship without sex? 

 

You also asked about what her worries and concerns might be. Well if it was me I would be worried that my partner might try to pressure me into having sex or touch me in ways I dont like. Then they would probably leave because they wanted sex and I was a disappointment to them. Thats just me though, I have no idea what your girlfriend is thinking 😜

[Ceebs]

On 4/11/2021 at 12:16 AM, Traveler40 said:

You’re so young with your entire life ahead of you. Life is tough enough. Please do yourself a massive favor and read as many threads here as you can - especially and specifically here in the SPFA section. 

 

Your eyes are wide open. Make wise choices.

So much this.

 

Here's my take. If you're concerned about compatibility at this stage, and the challenge that a lack of sex will (understandably) pose for you -- before you've even entered into a relationship -- that seems rather like a giant flashing sign with bright red letters that spell out, 'NOT A GREAT IDEA'. When I was younger and relatively inexperienced in the realm of relationships, and didn't even know my own sexuality too well, I got married to someone who's asexual. With my history of confusion surrounding my sexuality and whether I even cared that much about sex myself, I didn't think it would be that big of a deal. I got married at the same age you are now. I had some reservations, it didn't quite feel right in several ways (not just the sexuality stuff), but I ignored my gut. There was some romance there in the beginning, we got along well, spending time together was comfortable enough, and we did actually have sex now and then. Unlike me at the time, you already know sex is important to you. And you also know that she's not willing to have it, at all (and of course it's completely her right to decide that that's her boundary). The sexual mismatch isn't the only reason my marriage didn't work, but I do know it was part of the picture. Before I was even certain what was really wrong, I used to get in moods where I'd cry and mope and badger my husband with questions like 'Don't you feel like there's something... missing?' His answer was always no, because of course nothing was missing for him. I realised I really craved being desired, I wanted passion, I wanted another more intense level of connection that just wasn't happening -- and couldn't happen, because it turns out that's something I get primarily from mutual sexual desire. It felt empty. Achy. Sometimes it was acutely painful to think about this Missing Thing, sometimes it was more just a dull feeling of 'Well, I suppose this is it'. I ended up feeling ashamed of my own sexuality, and that was not good for my self-worth (something I've always struggled with, for various reasons).

 

I know you have strong feelings for her, and I know it's hard to walk away from situations where feelings exist. (I learnt that one in the context of a different relationship with very different problems.) Sure, I suppose you can think of it in terms of 'We'll give this a go, and if it doesn't work, we'll end it', and if that's really the route you feel you want to take here... well, no one can stop you of course. But do think about it carefully. Untangling from each other after you've both let your feelings develop even further and spent some time in an official relationship may be harder and more heartbreaking than stepping back from the connection now.

[Undecided2]

I want to echo what @Traveler40 and @CBC have said.

 

It recently became apparent that my spouse is pretty likely to be asexual and it is something I am trying to process. I share some similar experiences to @CBC including feeling something is missing and craving a connection I don't have. I am still trying to process my own situation but have spent time feeling sad/grief that my relationship can't offer me those things.

 

Spend some time thinking about it all, work out your feelings, consider the future. 

[Ceebs]

46 minutes ago, Undecided2 said:

I share some similar experiences to @CBC including feeling something is missing and craving a connection I don't have.

Genuinely took me a while to figure out what was missing, too. I think first I thought he didn't love me enough or have strong enough feelings or whatever. Then it was the fact that I needed to explore my same-sex interests. Then it was that maybe I just wasn't all that romantic (because I was the one who did a lot of the pulling back -- and, for the record lol, it turns out I'm obnoxiously romantic with the right person). Then it was because I'm fundamentally damaged somehow and simply incapable of relationships. Then it was 'Oh shit, I think I was probably just a lesbian all along' (nope, turns out I'm still bi). And now I know... it simply wasn't the right connection as a whole, and the sexual connection specifically (or lack thereof) played a significant role. Honestly it's actually taken connections with other sexual people for me to realise how massively important that underlying sexual energy and mutual desire are for me in a relationship. I doubt I could have a truly fulfilling relationship with someone with a consistently low libido, let alone someone who's asexual.

 

I know a small percentage of mixed couples seem to find some way to make it work to a degree that they decide staying together is the best option, but from my observation, these are mostly couples who've been together for many years, usually decades, and didn't know about asexuality until recently. Often there are children involved. Would I recommend that a mid-20s heterosexual man and a mid-20s asexual woman begin a relationship though, knowing beforehand about the mismatch? Nope. Well, not unless the guy said he had a very low libido (and had pretty much always done so and was generally healthy, so it wasn't attributable to a mental or physical disorder).

 

I just don't really see how this isn't setting both parties up for stress and guilt and frustration, and probably inadvertently hurting each other no matter how much they wouldn't ever want to do that.

[everywhere and nowhere]

On 4/11/2021 at 6:35 AM, Serran said:

Giving up sex is hard for many sexuals. It is doable for some. It really depends on the people involved. 

I really get the troubling impression that it is rarely given a thought. It is usually assumed next to impossible, even here. And in contrast - while it is by no means an attitude shared by everyone, at least some users believe that giving up celibacy should be "no big deal" for asexuals, or at least something to consider.

I firmly believe that - regardless of how hard giving up sex vs. giving up celibacy is - having unwanted sex is worse that not being able to have sex despite wanting to. So whenever there is a conflict - also an occasional one, the simple "not being in the mood" - the preference of the partner who doesn't want to have sex should have priority.

Even though I'm highly sex-averse and happy about it - or, more precisely, proud to accept my sex aversion as valid instead of torturing myself with atempts at changing it - I try to look from a different perspective and acknowledge that desired sex can be an act of embracing, welcoming, offering, merging. It's hard for me because for me, as a strongly sex-averse person, sex seems inherently horrible. However, it should be remembered that unwanted - or even, in less decisive terms, undesired sex doesn't have such qualities. Unwanted sex - and it's particularly true for penetrative sex - is an act of occupation. An invasion of the other person's body. How could anyone expect anyone to agree to such things with less than 100% willingness and certainty about wanting to? How could anyone even suggest that someone may sacrifice their body on the bloody altar of sex normativity?

We are told to cherish our bodies. I recall the song from the "One Billion Rising" action against sexual violence (a song I, by the way, don't like, because my way of protesting is to shout and not to sing and dance, I'm not into dancing even when I'm happy): "This is my body / My body's holy". Don't I get to decide not to let anyone defile these holy grounds? Of course, I know that I get to. I have no doubts about lifetime celibacy being a fully valid path and always the best path for people who simply don't want to have sex, because unwanted sex is always wrong and always something which should never happen. But shouldn't we stop looking at unwanted sex as a thing which "just happens" and start looking at it as a thing which should always be condemned?

[Ceebs]

On 4/13/2021 at 3:22 PM, Nowhere Girl said:

having unwanted sex is worse that not being able to have sex despite wanting to

I'm pretty sure most people agree with that, actually.

 

But...

 

On 4/13/2021 at 3:22 PM, Nowhere Girl said:

I really get the troubling impression that it is rarely given a thought.

Why is it troubling? For one thing, that often is what happens -- the sexual person in the relationship gives up on the idea of having a normal partnership with relatively regular sex, or on having any sex at all. If they choose to stay, unless they're a controlling creep or an outright rapist, it's the asexual partner who gets to decide when/if sex happens (and I'm not arguing that shouldn't be the case, since as you said above, unwanted sex is ultimately likely worse than not having sex).

 

But why is it troubling that sexuals generally aren't thinking, 'Hey, I should just give up sex!'?

[Mountain House]

2 hours ago, CBC said:

Would I recommend that a mid-20s heterosexual man and a mid-20s asexual woman begin a relationship though, knowing beforehand about the mismatch? Nope. 

Hmmm.  Well, you have a relationship with your asexual ex husband, no?  A relationship that I believe you value.  What if you could have known about the incompatibilities before venturing into the married relationship shape and jumped straight to the one of my best friends shape?

 

I guess I'm getting hung up on the word relationship.  I just don't see this so black and white.

 

We get to design our relationships.  Let me repeat:

On 4/11/2021 at 7:24 AM, anisotrophic said:

@discovering_ I’d recommend thinking in terms of relationship anarchy and polyamory.

 RA and polyamory do not require romance or sex.  They are relationship forms that allow relationships to take whatever path they do organically and with love.

 

@discovering_, as you consider the design of your relationship with this woman (dedicated romantic/friendship) just don't ignore the truths:

She won't be your sex partner.  Ever.

You will not have a fulfilling happy life without sex.

 

But still in the air are the possibilities that:

You might be a partnership that goes on romantic dinner dates.

You might be partners that can call each other at any time to rag on the trials of your day.

You might be cuddle buddies.

You might live together.

You might have children together.

You might ... <use your imagination>

 

[I hope you come back to see some of this.] [Edit: and by "this" I mean the whole thread]

[Mountain House]

8 minutes ago, CBC said:

25 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

having unwanted sex is worse that not being able to have sex despite wanting to

I'm pretty sure most people agree with that, actually.

I'm not sure that I do.  I don't think we can assign an ordinal value to either; I think it is a bad deal for everyone.  So, worse?  eh...

With the caveat that everyone involved is acting with consent.  Coercion, is a different kind of evil.

[Ceebs]

30 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

Hmmm.  Well, you have a relationship with your asexual ex husband, no?  A relationship that I believe you value.  What if you could have known about the incompatibilities before venturing into the married relationship shape and jumped straight to the one of my best friends shape?

We're in each other's lives out of current necessity and because we have the past that we have, and he's a really good person and all, but... you know, if we hadn't ended up in a marriage, we probably wouldn't be nearly as close. We might be casual acquaintances who have each other on Facebook, we may not even be in contact, who knows. I rushed into that relationship because it was calm and he's very easygoing and I think it was a bit of an antidote to a stressful family life. And he provided companionship when I was otherwise entirely alone. Would he be someone who played a significant role in my life if we hadn't got married though...? Probably not. Especially as we initially lived about ten hours apart. We wouldn't ever have ended up living near each other if it was just a friendship from the very beginning.

 

30 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

I guess I'm getting hung up on the word relationship.  I just don't see this so black and white.

I mean yeah, I'm talking about a monogamous romantic relationship here. Technically any connection between people is a 'relationship' of sorts, obviously.

 

30 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

@discovering_, as you consider the design of your relationship with this woman (dedicated romantic/friendship) just don't ignore the truths:

She won't be your sex partner.  Ever.

You will not have a fulfilling happy life without sex.

 

But still in the air are the possibilities that:

You might be a partnership that goes on romantic dinner dates.

You might be partners that can call each other at any time to rag on the trials of your day.

You might be cuddle buddies.

You might live together.

You might have children together.

You might ... <use your imagination>

None of this is untrue, sure, and if the OP is open to unconventional relationships, then great, maybe they have a chance at some of the things you listed. Because I've been given no reason to believe otherwise though, I'm working on the assumption that he would generally want romance and sex and cuddling and emotional closeness and cohabiting and raising children and all that stuff with one person.

 

If that's not the case, then yep, I guess the sky's the limit.

[Ceebs]

19 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

I'm not sure that I do.  I don't think we can assign an ordinal value to either; I think it is a bad deal for everyone.  So, worse?  eh...

With the caveat that everyone involved is acting with consent.  Coercion, is a different kind of evil.

Well yes I can't take every single situation into account, and actually I'm very aware that not having a sexual relationship with someone when you really want that connection can be very painful and even psychologically damaging. And I was taking 'unwanted sex' in the more extreme way -- not thinking of full-on rape exactly (although inclusive of, of course), but like someone who's been pestered repeatedly and worn down and does it even though they really dislike it. I wasn't really thinking of 'Hey I don't get a whole lot out of this so it's technically not really wanted, but I'm totally willing and consenting because you like it'.

[everywhere and nowhere]

20 minutes ago, CBC said:

I wasn't really thinking of 'Hey I don't get a whole lot out of this so it's technically not really wanted, but I'm totally willing and consenting because you like it'.

Yes. That's more or less the distinction between "unwanted sex" and "undesired sex" I sometimes use, with "undesired sex" being something along the lines of what you described here.

[brbdogsonfire]

On 4/10/2021 at 2:36 PM, discovering_ said:

Hi all,

 

I'm a heterosexual male (26yo) and have recently been getting really close emotionally to an asexual female (25yo). We are now at a point where we need to make a call – either give a dedicated romantic relationship a try, or try to continue as friends. I have had heterosexual relationships before, she had two asexual-only relationships in the past, the hetero-asexual pairing is new for us. The dilemma here is that emotionally stepping back to 'just friendship' won't really work, as we are too attached. We'd literally have to ignore each other to not fall back into romanticism, which seems like a painful choice to make. We try to be very open about our expectations and needs, so that's a good starting point I feel. Specifically, we've identified the (obvious) challenge that the lack of sex will be a challenge for me. She ruled out the option of having sex just for my benefit, and I respect & accept that. Good point is that she is romantic, meaning that we do connect on a romantic level. 

 

I'm sharing this here as I feel like there might be some worries and concerns for her that she is struggling to articulate to me... my perception is that I'm finding it easier to speak about my thoughts than she does about hers, especially regarding things like feelings of guilt (for her being the way she is and hence us having a few struggles here) and concerns about moving into a relationship (and committing emotionally despite the looming 'sex gap').

I would really appreciate advice & support especially from asexual females who might have been in similar situations: What concerns did you have entering such a relationship? How would you feel about the idea of 'giving it a chance', i.e. openly accepting that this might fail in a couple months' time, thus stepping back from the common ambition of an endless relationship? I would also be interested to hear from heterosexual partners with similar experience: How was it for you entering such a relationship? What were the specific challenges you faced in handling your sexuality overdrive?

 

Thank you for you input and support, I'm sure it'll be helpful in navigating this somewhat complex situation.

I'm a heterosexual male and I've been dating my asexual partner for 8 or so years now and am very happy in my relationship, and I believe she is happy in it as well. It can work, but it will be just as difficult as a normal relationship with having to deal with sexual incompatibility which sinks many mixed relationships. 

 

[Guest]

14 hours ago, Mountain House said:

I'm not sure that I do.  I don't think we can assign an ordinal value to either; I think it is a bad deal for everyone.  So, worse?  eh...

With the caveat that everyone involved is acting with consent.  Coercion, is a different kind of evil.

Undesired sex is almost always worse because you're literally having to have sex so someone else can have an orgasm that they could just have with their hand. It's not really about closeness or intimacy at that point because you can't 'bond' with someone who is gritting their teeth waiting for it to be over, possibly in pain due to lack of arousal, etc etc. The only 'intimacy' is in knowing what your partner is willing to sacrifice their.. well.. parts, so you can feel that pleasure.. but I don't see how anyone can feel intimate under those circumstances. 

 

The only time having to have undesired sex is not worse than celibacy is when the person who doesn't desire the sex can actually still enjoy it, have an orgasm, and doesn't suffer mental and emotional exhaustion and stress as a result, but those cases are few and far between.

 

Going without sex so your partner doesn't have to suffer for the sake of your own orgasm is the lesser of the two evils. Forced celibacy does suck, like I know it can eat away at your core, but at least no one is using someone else's body for their own pleasure in the case of forced celibacy.

[everywhere and nowhere]

@PanFicto. - I wish I could "like" this post a hundred times...