What is the "purpose" of an asexual relationship?

[UsiresAedon]

Hey folks. I wanted to start a thread so I can pose a few questions and seek insight from people (mostly asexual females, but all gender identities are welcome to contribute). I have only very recently come to terms with my identity and asexual orientation. I just got out of a marriage that ended due to my partner wanting to pursue a sexual relationship. Her and I only married because I still believed at the time that I was a "normal" guy. 

The news, of course, got out that I am single again. I have already had an awful lot of sexual advances from women. "Come on over to my place, I want to show you a good time. You just need a good time." Blah blah blah. I haven't come out yet about my identity, and I am unsure as to whether or not I will share it publicly. And while I feel like a piece of meat in the den of hungry lions, I notice that here on these forums there are many asexual women that talk about being in relationships with men (both allo and asexual men).

Me, I am only really used to sex-crazed women, as those are the only types of women I have been in relationships with. I am trying to grasp what it is asexual women actually look for in partners, Should I still care about my personal appearance? I take pride in my style of dress and attention to hygiene, but my good looks are a blessing and a curse. In some ways, I wonder if I attract the sex-crazed types by my mannerisms and physical appearance. 

Is it financial security, getting with a guy? Is it the companionship? Is it the peer pressure put on by friends and family? Is it all of the above? Obviously, I understand that different people will have different needs. I certainly try my best not to generalize. I am just trying to spend some of my newly acquired free time to "work on myself," as everyone is so adamant to tell me that's what I need. But honestly, I also don't want to change too much. I am proud of who I am, but at the same time I realize there's a pattern here. 

So yeah, I would be very curious to hear what asexual couples get out of their relationships. As someone who is just now starting to feel comfortable in his skin, the whole concept of an asexual relationship seems foreign, if not outright impossible.

[Sean_Bird]

Every person is different; the only real difference between ace women and allo is that sex isn't a priority for them. Every person is different, and have different goals/expectations for what they want in a partner.

 

13 minutes ago, UsiresAedon said:

So yeah, I would be very curious to hear what asexual couples get out of their relationships.

I've been with my asexual partner for almost four years, and we're moving in together soon. We get emotional comfort, companionship, etc. We have long philosophical discussions about various topics, cuddle and nose boop each other, do art together, and other couple things.

[Morays]

Erm... I guess of everything you mentioned, I'd have to say "companionship" comes the closest for me personally, although that's selling the concept short a bit. (Obviously, though, as @Sean_Bird says, everyone's goals are different.)

 

I'm looking for a partner -- someone to share my life with, and form a unit with. I want the depth and trust and intimacy of being committed to another person. I want to be able to offer up everything I have inside me, the strengths and flaws and failures alike, without fear or hesitation -- and to have that offering be worth something, to mean something, to make a difference to someone. I want to be a part of someone's life as they are a part of mine. To help and support someone, and be helped and supported in turn. To feel like no matter where I end up, that I will have a person to turn to, someone weathering it all with me. Someone whose presence calms. Someone understanding.

 

That being said, I don't want to fall into the trap of only conceptualizing a relationship in terms of what my goals are, or it will do for me. I don't know that relationships have a "purpose" exactly -- they're not purely functional, like appliances. They're living, changing, growing things, constantly morphing and expanding. A relationship is a two-way street, and one has to be willing to give everything that one wishes to receive. So for now I'm working on myself, as one does. I want to be worthy of that person, whoever they may end up being -- if anyone.

[UsiresAedon]

5 minutes ago, SocialMorays said:

Erm... I guess of everything you mentioned, I'd have to say "companionship" comes the closest, although that's selling the concept short a bit.

 

I'm looking for a partner -- someone to share my life with, and form a unit with. I want the depth and trust and intimacy of being committed to another person. I want to be able to offer up everything I have inside me, the strengths and flaws and failures alike, without fear or hesitation -- and to have that offering be worth something, to mean something, to make a difference to someone. I want to be a part of someone's life as they are a part of mine. To help and support someone, and be helped and supported in turn. To feel like no matter where I end up, that I will have a person to turn to, someone weathering it all with me. Someone whose presence calms. Someone understanding.

 

That being said, I don't want to fall into the trap of only conceptualizing a relationship in terms of what my goals are, or it will do for me. I don't know that relationships have a "purpose" exactly -- they're not purely functional, like appliances. They're living, changing, growing things, constantly morphing and expanding. A relationship is a two-way street, and one has to be willing to give everything that one wishes to receive. So for now I'm working on myself, as one does. I want to be worthy of that person, whoever they may end up being -- if anyone.

Thank you for sharing. I suppose this would describe my expectations as well. However, if you don't mind my asking, in what ways are you "working on yourself?" To me, it seems as though I have been "working on myself" for quite a long time. The athlete lifts weights, the chef learns new recipes, and the traveler learns new languages. But what does the asexual love-seeker do?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I mostly care about love and affection XD

[UsiresAedon]

5 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I mostly care about love and affection XD

I am glad you have a pretty clear idea of what it is you want. That's an important first step. I am in the same boat; I just really want a warm body to hold at night. And no, my cat doesn't count xD

[Morays]

18 minutes ago, UsiresAedon said:

Thank you for sharing. I suppose this would describe my expectations as well. However, if you don't mind my asking, in what ways are you "working on yourself?" To me, it seems as though I have been "working on myself" for quite a long time. The athlete lifts weights, the chef learns new recipes, and the traveler learns new languages. But what does the asexual love-seeker do?

In my case, the biggest thing is better managing my depression, as well as my physical health more generally. Working on research projects, making art, developing my technical skills, reading outside of my normal areas of interest -- in general, doing everything I can to establish myself as a person independent of the opinions and preferences of others, and to be more defined by what I care about and less by my deficits.

 

It's important to me to ground myself, to become more self-sufficient, so that I'm not totally reliant on another person for contentment; I think being in that place mentally can only invite unhealthy results. I want to be able to invite someone into my life without placing that kind of burden on them. I've historically relied far too much on the people around me to provide any sense of self-worth, and that doesn't seem fair, nor is it sustainable.

 

But again, this is a very personal answer, haha. I wouldn't necessarily take it as general advice.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Just now, UsiresAedon said:

I am glad you have a pretty clear idea of what it is you want. That's an important first step. I am in the same boat; I just really want a warm body to hold at night. And no, my cat doesn't count xD

Sure, you learn what you want with experience. Last year I was into a guy and really it was stupid of me to pursue him because he wasn't someone caring and affectionate. Maybe only sometimes. There were flags I should've noticed but at least I still learned.

[spencexists]

Love, I guess. I've never been in a relationship but all I'd want from one is love and a solid friendship.

[Hurta]

I feel like @SocialMorays comment really resonates with me in regards of what I look for. For me, having a partner would mean so many things, but mostly a person to be affectionate with who doesn’t perceive my advances as sexual. Having grown up in a culture where touch is a pretty big deal and part of our daily lives (say hugs, hand holding), I feel like I’ve always been prone to wanting hugs and cuddles and all that stuff without actually going any further than that. However I’ve come to realize that, precisely because it can be so normalized here, finding a romantic partner that is fine with that barrier is gonna be hard.
Though I’ve never been in a “proper” relationship to say it somehow, my younger self did try dating before discovering my sexuality and it was a disaster.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

37 minutes ago, Hurts said:

I feel like @SocialMorays comment really resonates with me in regards of what I look for. For me, having a partner would mean so many things, but mostly a person to be affectionate with who doesn’t perceive my advances as sexual. Having grown up in a culture where touch is a pretty big deal and part of our daily lives (say hugs, hand holding), I feel like I’ve always been prone to wanting hugs and cuddles and all that stuff without actually going any further than that. However I’ve come to realize that, precisely because it can be so normalized here, finding a romantic partner that is fine with that barrier is gonna be hard.
Though I’ve never been in a “proper” relationship to say it somehow, my younger self did try dating before discovering my sexuality and it was a disaster.

It sucks when you wanna cuddle but then people want it to lead to sex XD. And yeah it can happen.

[fantasticmeteor]

I recently(in the last year or two) came to terms with my asexuality, which has honestly freed up the headspace to question my gender identity and romantic alignment but for the intents and purposes of this forum I am female enough. I've been in a few long term relationships in my life. Married, even, and the sex being prioritized always made the rest of my existence feel unimportant. So I guess the "purpose" of a relationship without sex is the partnership. Sort of like a best friend I guess? Someone I don't have to worry about what I say to and vice versa. I came out as asexual to my partner, and the only thing that changed is the way we show physical affection(luckily for me, once I explained my sexuality, he identified deeply with my explanation and came out as well)
Recently I find myself questioning the difference between a platonic and romantic love, and if I am perhaps polyromantic. I still appreciate the beauty and hygiene of romantic partners, of course. It's kind of akin to.. I don't know, I don't want to sleep with my living room decor, but I still want to enjoy looking at it? Physical appearance isn't everything though, mostly I fall in love with everyone that I enjoy deep conversations and good laughter with, and that's what I look for in a relationship.

[Tetus]

2 hours ago, UsiresAedon said:

Is it financial security, getting with a guy? Is it the companionship? Is it the peer pressure put on by friends and family? Is it all of the above? Obviously, I understand that different people will have different needs. I certainly try my best not to generalize. I am just trying to spend some of my newly acquired free time to "work on myself," as everyone is so adamant to tell me that's what I need. But honestly, I also don't want to change too much. I am proud of who I am, but at the same time I realize there's a pattern here. 

So yeah, I would be very curious to hear what asexual couples get out of their relationships. As someone who is just now starting to feel comfortable in his skin, the whole concept of an asexual relationship seems foreign, if not outright impossible.

 

1 hour ago, UsiresAedon said:

However, if you don't mind my asking, in what ways are you "working on yourself?" To me, it seems as though I have been "working on myself" for quite a long time. The athlete lifts weights, the chef learns new recipes, and the traveler learns new languages. But what does the asexual love-seeker do?

I think you're asking the wrong question here, not least because, unless you happen to start a relationship with one of the people responding to this thread, their answers won't apply to other people. Especially if you don't want a relationship built around sex, people generally don't go around with a checklist of specific qualities their future partner should have, much less one that can be clearly articulated or predicted by a third party.

 

Rather, you should ask yourself what YOU are looking for in a partner, and what do YOU want out of a relationship. You say, "the whole concept of an asexual relationship seems foreign, if not outright impossible" - why do you feel this way? For the record, I got married relatively young myself, and the marriage quickly fell apart due to sex related issues, so I can empathize to a degree, and I've also never been in a relationship with an asexual woman - but I mean, I can definitely imagine what one would be like, so I find your musing there really interesting.

 

That aside though, I think that the idea of approaching relationships in the same way you would approach a profession is not going to be helpful. Each person is unique, and so will each relationship be unique, so you can't answer a lot of these questions until you get there, in the thick of things. Or rather, you CAN answer them, but the answers are all boring things that you already know: Listen to and respect other people, be honest about yourself, have empathy for yourself and for other people, etc.

[UsiresAedon]

12 minutes ago, Epic Tetus said:

 

I think you're asking the wrong question here, not least because, unless you happen to start a relationship with one of the people responding to this thread, their answers won't apply to other people. Especially if you don't want a relationship built around sex, people generally don't go around with a checklist of specific qualities their future partner should have, much less one that can be clearly articulated or predicted by a third party.

 

Rather, you should ask yourself what YOU are looking for in a partner, and what do YOU want out of a relationship. You say, "the whole concept of an asexual relationship seems foreign, if not outright impossible" - why do you feel this way? For the record, I got married relatively young myself, and the marriage quickly fell apart due to sex related issues, so I can empathize to a degree, and I've also never been in a relationship with an asexual woman - but I mean, I can definitely imagine what one would be like, so I find your musing there really interesting.

 

That aside though, I think that the idea of approaching relationships in the same way you would approach a profession is not going to be helpful. Each person is unique, and so will each relationship be unique, so you can't answer a lot of these questions until you get there, in the thick of things. Or rather, you CAN answer them, but the answers are all boring things that you already know: Listen to and respect other people, be honest about yourself, have empathy for yourself and for other people, etc.

With all due respect, people are similar in more ways than they are different. Many responses provided here will at least give me a general understanding of how and why people think the way they do. The internet (and these forums) host a vastly greater number of asexual people with asexual perspectives than my local area ever will. And I also disagree that people do not have a list in mind of qualities they look for in potential partners. It is human nature to do so, and anecdotally speaking at least, my observations indicate that this is true. 

I already know exactly what I want from a partner. And what I want out of a relationship. But it seems as though my wants and needs are unreasonable and unattainable. When I say the idea of a sexless relationship seems impossible, we need to focus on the word "seems." The reason why I feel this way is because I have not had much of an opportunity (except over the last couple of days on these forums) to actually engage in conversation or to understand the perspectives of asexual women. As I said before, my experience is only limited to sexually deviant women. Thus, such a sexless relationship SEEMS foreign to me.

And sure, there is no one, single formula for an enjoyable, satisfying relationship. I get that, and I never insinuated that that was the case. But, to say that relationships and behavioral patterns of individuals can not be analyzed is also folly; we do so from a very early age and these types of social interactions that we observe are one of the primary ways we measure our own relationships and place within society. 

 

I'm sorry if my questions sound like a "grocery list," but as someone who is confused and dealing with his own identity issues, looking at things from an objective point of view is the only way I can try to grasp this concept.

[Zagadka]

Everything an allo gets from a relationship... sex isn't necessarily the important part of a relationship... it can be seen as very minor... for some more important thsn others I guess, but relationships are built on more than sex...

 

3 hours ago, UsiresAedon said:

Should I still care about my personal appearance? I take pride in my style of dress and attention to hygiene, but my good looks are a blessing and a curse. In some ways, I wonder if I attract the sex-crazed types by my mannerisms and physical appearance.

This is extremely confusing to me... exactly how limited do you see asexual people as? We still care about appearance and... hygiene... we still want to be close, be attractive and attracted in  some ways like aesthetically... being ace isn't a handicap, it is just a lack of sexual attraction...

[UsiresAedon]

Just now, Zagadka said:

This is extremely confusing to me... exactly how limited do you see asexual people as? We still care about appearance and... hygiene... we still want to be close, be attractive and attracted in  some ways like aesthetically... being ace isn't a handicap, it is just a lack of sexual attraction...

I did not mean to offend anyone by asking this question! I really hope people don't misunderstand me when I ask this. What I meant by this is that I genuinely do not know what level of physical attraction would be present from an asexual woman's point of view. I know I personally care a little bit about physical appearance, but not nearly as much as allo men. I was wondering if this held true with respect to women. Even among allo mean and women, it can be said that men are often more superficial when it comes to looks than women are. So I was just curious as to how all of this fits in within the laws of attraction in asexual relationships.

[Zagadka]

3 minutes ago, UsiresAedon said:

I did not mean to offend anyone by asking this question! I really hope people don't misunderstand me when I ask this. What I meant by this is that I genuinely do not know what level of physical attraction would be present from an asexual woman's point of view. I know I personally care a little bit about physical appearance, but not nearly as much as allo men. I was wondering if this held true with respect to women. Even among allo mean and women, it can be said that men are often more superficial when it comes to looks than women are. So I was just curious as to how all of this fits in within the laws of attraction in asexual relationships.

Well, we all have our own attractions and what we judge as attractive... aces can be just as into looks as allos, have the same kinds of aesthetic attraction. Certainly can be as picky or "vain"... just as an allo person can be attracted to a person who isn't "conventionally" attractive but still find them attractive and sexual, so can an ace. It's just not being so focused on wanting to actually have sex with them... it isn't a matter of being detached from attraction and mortal foibles. An ace is a normal person with normal traits that isn't so interested in sex.

 

I don't profess to really know exactly how just horny allos are for pure looks though... if you're talking about dating hook up culture there are obvious differences, but when you say "relationship" I presume there is at least a level of commitment to the person behind the genitals...

[Sarah-Sylvia]

We're all unique, so it's going to change depending on who you talk to, but in general someone asexual is just like anyone except not drawn to have sex with someone else That leaves everything else that a relationship can be about, which in my honest opinion is the most important. Someone sexual might say that sex only adds a layer of how to express intimacy, and that's fine. For me, I look for intimacy in all the other ways, including physically, just not with sex XD.

[UsiresAedon]

1 minute ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

We're all unique, so it's going to change depending on who you talk to, but in general someone asexual is just like anyone else except they aren't drawn to have sex with someone else That leaves everything else that a relationship can be about, which in my honest opinion is the most important. Someone sexual might say that sex only adds a layer of how to express intimacy, and that's fine. For me, I look for intimacy in all the other ways, including physically, just not with sex XD.

Well, I guess I should remain optimistic then. I often feel as though I have nothing to really offer a partner of mine; it seems to me that in this day and age people are just after instant gratification while being diametrically opposed to meaningful, emotional connections. Perhaps I have just been looking in all of the wrong places, but I have been hurt very badly by allo women on many different occasions. It's hard for me to accept the fact that relationships can exist on principles aside from sex and money.

[Zagadka]

3 minutes ago, UsiresAedon said:

It's hard for me to accept the fact that relationships can exist on principles aside from sex and money.

... that is such a foreign and sad concept for me...

 

I don't know how old you are or where you live or where you are looking, but be assured that there are people who want and expect more from a relationship than just sex and... money. Maybe harder to find in some circumstances... but if you want something out of a relationship, there is a lot more than sex...

[UsiresAedon]

5 minutes ago, Zagadka said:

... that is such a foreign and sad concept for me...

 

I don't know how old you are or where you live or where you are looking, but be assured that there are people who want and expect more from a relationship than just sex and... money. Maybe harder to find in some circumstances... but if you want something out of a relationship, there is a lot more than sex...

Yeah, tell me about it. I even considered hiring a "professional cuddler" (yes, that's a thing) for $100 an hour. But, I live in a fairly remote location and there aren't really any in my area. I was in a marriage for years, and the only time we ever kissed was at our wedding ceremony. She wanted sex, but nothing else. Probably would have put a bag over my head while handling my genitals if I would have and could have gone along with it. It's half sad, half funny. Hard to know when to laugh, and when to cry.

[Zagadka]

3 minutes ago, UsiresAedon said:

Yeah, tell me about it. I even considered hiring a "professional cuddler" (yes, that's a thing) for $100 an hour. But, I live in a fairly remote location and there aren't really any in my area. I was in a marriage for years, and the only time we ever kissed was at our wedding ceremony. She wanted sex, but nothing else. Probably would have put a bag over my head while handling my genitals if I would have and could have gone along with it. It's half sad, half funny. Hard to know when to laugh, and when to cry.

I'm very sorry to hear that, sounds like a rough and demoralizing experience. I can understand how you would come to expect things from that...

 

$100 seems steep. Then again, I have absolutely no clue how much... weird, nevermind.

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

Last December, very late at night my nephew was feeling a bit ill after he ate too many pretzels and candies I made, I felt scared, sad, and lonely and thought about someone I would want to be with in that specific moment (and it was also a particular person). I got sick of my stomach yesterday and thought about this same person, who is just a distant friend.

 

Why him, if it is someone I do not feel sexually and not even romantically attracted to? I guess, sometimes I want to feel protected, and that someone will stand by my side when I need it, and that I can count on that person. It could be any other, but there are, deep down, very small things or characteristics of others that make us think they are good for us and that we (as a couple) can be good for each other (despite sexual or romantic orientation, gender, etc).

 

Feeling secure or having a company are intrinsic needs of humans, sure that does not mean that we have to fulfill them with a partner. However, to me, that is what I am more prone to seek from in one. 

 

Why I haven't yet gone for this guy and seek a romantic relationship with him? There are some reasons. I want from a partner more than just a companion on rather odd or complicated times, I wish to have some shared joy and fun too, to be with someone I could feel a deep connection with, and I don't know *yet* if I can have that with him.

 

There is also the need for affection, validation? and love that others may not feel, but I do, and I know that can be provided in the frame of a romantic relationship.

 

The purpose could also be -for me- to overcome the sex (or the lack of it) factor. That I could deal with it while they could deal with having very little of it, in both cases, it represents an internal growth (I'm not applying this to anyone else and I'm not pretending others to feel ok with the idea of having sex in a relationship).

 

Again, for me, the “purpose” of a romantic relationship is to fortify our spiritual believes while emotionally supporting each other, unconditionally, because there is love, and because of that we can objectively make plans and goals for a future together. 

 

And for the last, I would say it's to learn to cope with the idea of been two when we are "one". And such a concept of acceptance it's still very foreign to me because I don't even fully accept myself. 

 

I was very wide, a bit unspecifically and anecdotical, so there you have the list of purpose:

 

-Having fun and joy
-Feeling we have support
-Learning acceptance
-Cope with all the ugly things relationship lead to and enjoy the path that leads too as well
-Avoid having much sex??
-To love and to feel loved.

[Tetus]

2 hours ago, UsiresAedon said:

With all due respect, people are similar in more ways than they are different. Many responses provided here will at least give me a general understanding of how and why people think the way they do. The internet (and these forums) host a vastly greater number of asexual people with asexual perspectives than my local area ever will. And I also disagree that people do not have a list in mind of qualities they look for in potential partners. It is human nature to do so, and anecdotally speaking at least, my observations indicate that this is true. 

I already know exactly what I want from a partner. And what I want out of a relationship. But it seems as though my wants and needs are unreasonable and unattainable. When I say the idea of a sexless relationship seems impossible, we need to focus on the word "seems." The reason why I feel this way is because I have not had much of an opportunity (except over the last couple of days on these forums) to actually engage in conversation or to understand the perspectives of asexual women. As I said before, my experience is only limited to sexually deviant women. Thus, such a sexless relationship SEEMS foreign to me.

And sure, there is no one, single formula for an enjoyable, satisfying relationship. I get that, and I never insinuated that that was the case. But, to say that relationships and behavioral patterns of individuals can not be analyzed is also folly; we do so from a very early age and these types of social interactions that we observe are one of the primary ways we measure our own relationships and place within society. 

 

I'm sorry if my questions sound like a "grocery list," but as someone who is confused and dealing with his own identity issues, looking at things from an objective point of view is the only way I can try to grasp this concept.

All this might be relevant if you were writing a research paper on what makes asexual relationships work, and there's even a chance that with the right kind of sampling methods and controls, you'd get some interesting results - but not, like, a particularly good chance, really. I mean, asexuals are a relatively low percentage of the population, we have relatively low awareness in the larger community, and within the asexual community there are a higher than average number of people who don't want to be a part of a relationship, for a number of different reasons. Then on top of all that, you have the fact that no similar study has given particularly helpful results for non-asexuals, despite there being a rather large industry offering relationship advice and so on.

 

But even taking all that aside - when you are involved in a relationship, you're involved with a specific person, not an average conglomeration of attributes. The amount of time and energy that needs to go into a relationship to make it work is high enough that you just aren't going to be able to run numbers on the problem. Not to put to fine a point on it, but there's just not enough time. You won't be able to have enough attempts at a relationship for you to get good data - especially if you're looking for an ace partner.

 

That said, I do have to admit to something, which is that I have a bit of concern over your framing of the entire question. I obviously can't know your inner life, so I could be wrong, but some of the language that you use feels dangerously close to language I've seen in less savory places. As an example, "my experience is only limited to sexually deviant women" is a VERY strange turn of phrase, especially in context. 'Sexual deviant' is not a particularly helpful phrase at the best of times, but if you're looking at an asexual and an allosexual - clearly the label is better applied to the ace, yes? We deviate from the norm sexually much more than a woman who wants to have sex with a man does.

 

So you're not using 'deviant' to describe deviating from the norm - which leads me to think you're using it to describe a kind of moral deviance from some standard you have in mind. But giving moral weight to the desire to have sex is, for lack of a better word, kinda icky. And when I see this combined with a desire to reduce ace women to a checklist of things the monolithic 'they' are looking for, it starts to look like a pattern where you're thinking about potential partners less as real people with real thoughts and inner lives and desires, and more as animals that you're looking for the best advice on how to safely approach, or a video game character that you want to know how to navigate the dialog tree for.

 

2 hours ago, UsiresAedon said:

I often feel as though I have nothing to really offer a partner of mine; it seems to me that in this day and age people are just after instant gratification while being diametrically opposed to meaningful, emotional connections.

Any potential irony of this statement completely aside, this kind of idea that 'these days' people have undergone some kind of cultural degeneracy that has led to the cheapening of relationships, or art, or whatever is one which has been around for pretty much all of human existence. It generally hearkens back to a time and place that didn't actually exist, however, and when combined with accusations of 'sexual deviance' and the idea that human relationships can be reduced to a kind of 'game': I don't know what to tell you. All my internal klaxons are blaring.

 

I can't know where you're at in your personal journey through life, but I have seen enough of the less savory side of the internet to know that at least some aspects of your worldview can lead to pretty dark places. Even if you don't go down those paths, my personal recommendation to you is to take a step back and a deep breath and examine that way you think and talk about other people, and whether those are ways you want to think and talk about them. If I'm misreading you, then I apologize, but I've been a highly online, emotionally vulnerable guy myself, and when I look back at the path I took to get where I am today, I am frankly astonished how lucky I was not to fall into more bad ideological sinkholes than I did: and that's with considering that I had some pretty unfortunate views on relationships in high school and college.

 

Looking over this post, I realize this might all be a bit of overreaction, and even if it isn't, it probably isn't that productive, and even if it could be,I probably shouldn't be posting at 4 am, but, y'know, we've all got our demons, so. Good luck to both of us.

[UsiresAedon]

2 hours ago, Epic Tetus said:

All this might be relevant if you were writing a research paper on what makes asexual relationships work, and there's even a chance that with the right kind of sampling methods and controls, you'd get some interesting results - but not, like, a particularly good chance, really. I mean, asexuals are a relatively low percentage of the population, we have relatively low awareness in the larger community, and within the asexual community there are a higher than average number of people who don't want to be a part of a relationship, for a number of different reasons. Then on top of all that, you have the fact that no similar study has given particularly helpful results for non-asexuals, despite there being a rather large industry offering relationship advice and so on.

 

But even taking all that aside - when you are involved in a relationship, you're involved with a specific person, not an average conglomeration of attributes. The amount of time and energy that needs to go into a relationship to make it work is high enough that you just aren't going to be able to run numbers on the problem. Not to put to fine a point on it, but there's just not enough time. You won't be able to have enough attempts at a relationship for you to get good data - especially if you're looking for an ace partner.

 

That said, I do have to admit to something, which is that I have a bit of concern over your framing of the entire question. I obviously can't know your inner life, so I could be wrong, but some of the language that you use feels dangerously close to language I've seen in less savory places. As an example, "my experience is only limited to sexually deviant women" is a VERY strange turn of phrase, especially in context. 'Sexual deviant' is not a particularly helpful phrase at the best of times, but if you're looking at an asexual and an allosexual - clearly the label is better applied to the ace, yes? We deviate from the norm sexually much more than a woman who wants to have sex with a man does.

 

So you're not using 'deviant' to describe deviating from the norm - which leads me to think you're using it to describe a kind of moral deviance from some standard you have in mind. But giving moral weight to the desire to have sex is, for lack of a better word, kinda icky. And when I see this combined with a desire to reduce ace women to a checklist of things the monolithic 'they' are looking for, it starts to look like a pattern where you're thinking about potential partners less as real people with real thoughts and inner lives and desires, and more as animals that you're looking for the best advice on how to safely approach, or a video game character that you want to know how to navigate the dialog tree for.

 

Any potential irony of this statement completely aside, this kind of idea that 'these days' people have undergone some kind of cultural degeneracy that has led to the cheapening of relationships, or art, or whatever is one which has been around for pretty much all of human existence. It generally hearkens back to a time and place that didn't actually exist, however, and when combined with accusations of 'sexual deviance' and the idea that human relationships can be reduced to a kind of 'game': I don't know what to tell you. All my internal klaxons are blaring.

 

I can't know where you're at in your personal journey through life, but I have seen enough of the less savory side of the internet to know that at least some aspects of your worldview can lead to pretty dark places. Even if you don't go down those paths, my personal recommendation to you is to take a step back and a deep breath and examine that way you think and talk about other people, and whether those are ways you want to think and talk about them. If I'm misreading you, then I apologize, but I've been a highly online, emotionally vulnerable guy myself, and when I look back at the path I took to get where I am today, I am frankly astonished how lucky I was not to fall into more bad ideological sinkholes than I did: and that's with considering that I had some pretty unfortunate views on relationships in high school and college.

 

Looking over this post, I realize this might all be a bit of overreaction, and even if it isn't, it probably isn't that productive, and even if it could be,I probably shouldn't be posting at 4 am, but, y'know, we've all got our demons, so. Good luck to both of us.

Wow. That's a wall of text. Especially for this hour of the morning. I am not going to really address many of the points here, because I don't really feel like writing a novel. These points are mainly off-topic, anyway. You are welcome to form whatever opinions about me as you wish, but unless you are interested in actually answering any of the questions I have presented in this thread, then I will come to accept that you and I will agree to disagree.

And I do take offense that you seem to be passing judgment on me, merely for asking simple, harmless questions. In some ways, it feels as if you are trying to invalidate my thoughts and feelings. You're not being very supportive.

[Janus the Fox]

A Reminder here to avoid Judgements here, relationship dynamics will be different between individuals and relationships.  Preferable to answer the questions or post experiences to continue the Topic.

[Guest]

The purposes of asexual relationships are as varied as there are asexual people. None of us have exactly the same wants and needs. But generally, asexual people tend to want the same from a relationship as allosexual people... just without the sex. Love, companionship, trust, communication, cuddles, someone to split the bills with, someone to raise kids with, someone to grow old with, someone to do DIY projects with.

 

12 hours ago, UsiresAedon said:

I am trying to grasp what it is asexual women actually look for in partners, Should I still care about my personal appearance? I take pride in my style of dress and attention to hygiene, but my good looks are a blessing and a curse.

... I don't think anyone actively wants a partner with poor hygiene. I guess there are probably some people with that sort of fetish, but I'm sure it's very uncommon. Not experiencing sexual attraction doesn't mean we don't have any standards at all. Personally I experience strong aesthetic attraction. Some asexual woman don't. Just as some allosexual women don't. Asexual women are just as diverse as allosexual women (and men).

 

12 hours ago, UsiresAedon said:

Is it financial security, getting with a guy? Is it the companionship? Is it the peer pressure put on by friends and family? Is it all of the above?

For some people financial security can be a motivator for wanting a relationship. Living alone is expensive after all. For many people it's not. Some people experience peer pressure to get into a relationship, some don't. For most people companionship is an important part of the desire for a relationship.

 

8 hours ago, UsiresAedon said:

As I said before, my experience is only limited to sexually deviant women.

What on earth does "sexually deviant women" mean? If you are kinky/used to haveing a kink dynamic in your relationships, then looking for a partner who isn't also kinky is a recipe for disaster.

 

 

[Guest]

 

 

1 hour ago, theV0ID said:

 

What on earth does "sexually deviant women" mean? If you are kinky/used to haveing a kink dynamic in your relationships, then looking for a partner who isn't also kinky is a recipe for disaster.

 

 

From what I can tell, it means women who value sex in a relationship. Cause apparently that's a bad thing... (rather than just an incompatibility). 

 

Asexual women want all the same things as anyone else, just without the sex. Meaning if they are into looks, they want a hot partner. If they are into a fancy lifestyle, then how much money their partner has is important. If they need support, how sensitive the person is will be important. It depends on the person's personality, rather than their sexual orientation. I've watched a gaggle of ace girls in chat drool over Chris Hemsworth with his shirt off in Thor. I've seen some ace girls repulsed by the idea of physical attraction. They aren't any different than other women, really. 

 

As for your ex... if she never wanted to kiss, cuddle or be affectionate, why did you marry her? No sexual person I know would have been happy with that, either.  

[UsiresAedon]

6 hours ago, theV0ID said:

What on earth does "sexually deviant women" mean? 

 

 

It means women that have an addiction to sex that may be considered unhealthy. Here's a wikipedia entry for you: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraphilia

4 hours ago, Serran said:

 

As for your ex... if she never wanted to kiss, cuddle or be affectionate, why did you marry her? No sexual person I know would have been happy with that, either.  

She started off very loving. But she was the one that wanted to marry, even after only knowing each other for about a year. I can not speak about her motivations, but for me it was mostly external social factors that compelled me to enter the marriage. Though I am not religious, my family are hyper-religious Catholics. I had no way of knowing how cold she would treat me in the following years. It's as if someone flipped a switch and she just changed. Think Dr. Jekyll/Mrs. Hyde...

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, UsiresAedon said:

It means women that have an addiction to sex that may be considered unhealthy. Here's a wikipedia entry for you: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraphilia

The link provided is not about sex addiction, it's about paraphilias i.e. fetishes etc. To be honest it really sounds like you are just sl*t shaming, which is pretty gross.