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What Kind of Asexual Am I? Help !


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Hi, my name is Mikey. This is my first time on AVEN and I'm so excited to finally find a community that I think really GETS what I'm talking about. Sometimes it can be so easy to feel you're "wrong" about your asexual identity or that maybe it's all a lie, or you haven't met the right person, or it's all in your head. 

 

But I know it's not. So I think for the first time, for my sake, I'd just like to get everything out of my head and unto a page. I think what better place than AVEN. If this spiel helps anyone or starts conversation, then I'm more than happy. I'm also more than happy to hear your thoughts on any of it. 

 

So, I have been around the way in terms of sex. Because of this "you haven't found the right person" idea, I have gone in search of person after person after person. I have been with really cute, really interesting, really funny people...but, and I don't know how to put this nicely, I get bored. I grow tired of it. And it's always because of the sexual side of things. 

 

For me, even the best sexual experiences I've ever had I can only describe as "fine". Physical touch I've come to find doesn't do all that for me. Kissing while cool for the first four,five seconds gets very boring very fast to me. Foreplay, penetrative sex, etc... even the thought of it now exhausts me. 

 

My longest and favorite relationships are the ones I have with my friends. For me, a platonic relationship is UNDOUBTEDLY going to last way way wayyyy longer than a sexual/romantic relationship because I always grow tired, bored, or just...urgh about the thought of being touched at times. Plus, it's all really exhausting.

 

Why I've always felt conflicted though is that I LOVE porn. I really do. I thoroughly enjoy it and I've come to find now that it is because I'm aroused by what I see more so than any other sense. I'm a very visual person so while touch doesn't do all that much for me, sight does and so I really enjoy porn. 

 

Then, I thought...okay, since it's a visual thing, maybe make the point to look at your partner directly and really watch while you both go at it. NOTHING. Folks, I felt nothing. 

 

There is something very upsetting about feeling like you're broken. Like there's a part of you that's missing. And I completely blame this whole pressure to feel something, or enjoy sex, or think it's the most glorious thing in the world to the media. Standing in front of a mirror looking at us, I didn't feel anything. Looking them in the eye, I didn't feel anything. Even while they went down on me and did stuff - a thing that really blows my mind when I watch porn - I still didn't feel anything. I was frankly just quite bored of it all and couldn't wait for it to end. 

 

I think in this last week, I have come to the final conclusion that I am asexual - a word I've always known and always thought I was on the spectrum of, but now, I solidly think I'm in it. 

 

But sometimes I still have that nagging thought in my head of, "oh but you watch porn and you like looking at sexy stuff on Instagram and the internet + you do find people attractive". I guess I just want to know - what kind of asexual am I? Because I know I am asexual but what kind of asexual am I? 

 

If there is a word that completely hits the nail on the head of what I am - a nice label that that can just make me go yesss, that's exactly what I am, it will really help with the nagging feeling in my head and help me with knowing that I am not in fact an absolutely broken  alien. 

 

Please AVEN, for someone like me who knows they're ace but also likes porn + is very visually stimulated, what's the label? 

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Hi Mikeyyy!
 (those three y's feel a little like I'm squeeing at you while typing 😂)

 

I think it's great that you're reaching out to a community! Though it kind of breaks my heart that you write you're feeling broken. I can relate but I wish we didn't have to feel that way. I agree that media's not helpful at all in that respect. You are not broken, you're just you! Your needs and experiences may be different from the majority of people out there, but they're valid and you deserve to feel good about yourself.

 

My asexuality is pretty straightforward, so I haven't gone into too much research, but what you experience sounds a little bit like the ace equivalent of lithromanticism: Where you enjoy the thought of being romantic with a person a lot in your head, but aren't interested when it's reciprocated and/or you get the opportunity to live out those fantasies. That may be something you could look into?

 

Anyway, welcome to the forums, it's nice to have you here!

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Anthracite_Impreza

Asexual. That's literally just it. You don't want sex and that's the only part that matters.

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Welcome to Aven, new flesh~🍰🍰🍰

 

(While it is good to seek help in understanding yourself ,always remember that the final & only call for what you are is from yourself~)

 

 As someone with similar asexuality (minus relationships & replace sexual porn with kinks), I'd recommend you check out Aegosexuality. It is usually described as disconnection between the sexual target & oneself, it's in a way "only in theory sexuality". Maybe.

 "Aegosexuals may have sexual fantasies, view porn and other sexual content, or masturbate, but do not generally feel sexual attraction and typically do not desire to have sex with another person."

"Enjoying or getting aroused by sexual content, but lacking the same enthusiasm for a sexual relationship in real life."                 (both copypasted from lgbta.wikia)

 

 

 Other helpful label might be Grey Asexual, or just Aspec / Asexual Spectrum, as Aego isn't too widely known.

 

But what ever feels fitting to you, if any. It's fine to be confused & searching yourself. No matter how you are, it is fine & not wrong~

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2 hours ago, MCTlibrarian said:

Hi Mikeyyy!
 (those three y's feel a little like I'm squeeing at you while typing 😂)

 

I think it's great that you're reaching out to a community! Though it kind of breaks my heart that you write you're feeling broken. I can relate but I wish we didn't have to feel that way. I agree that media's not helpful at all in that respect. You are not broken, you're just you! Your needs and experiences may be different from the majority of people out there, but they're valid and you deserve to feel good about yourself.

 

My asexuality is pretty straightforward, so I haven't gone into too much research, but what you experience sounds a little bit like the ace equivalent of lithromanticism: Where you enjoy the thought of being romantic with a person a lot in your head, but aren't interested when it's reciprocated and/or you get the opportunity to live out those fantasies. That may be something you could look into?

 

Anyway, welcome to the forums, it's nice to have you here!

 

Hi MCTlibrarian, haha I know. The ys at the end of the Mikeyyy immediately make you feel like your squealing and I hope it puts an instant smile on your face cuz it's so excited! You are so lovely. Thank you so much for this. I looked into lithromanticism and while there are parts of that I identify with and got me thinking, it didn't quite encapsulate my feelings the way a later word in this thread did. Thank you for suggesting it though, just goes to show how broad the ace umbrella is and further plants my knowledge in the fact that I'm under this umbrella deeper. 

 

1 hour ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Asexual. That's literally just it. You don't want sex and that's the only part that matters.

Thank you for your contribution Anthracite_Impreza. Yeah, I now identify with the broad term 'asexual' but for my own personal use, I just wanted a word under the umbrella that perfectly emcapsulated my feelings. 

 

1 hour ago, Borderline said:

Welcome to Aven, new flesh~🍰🍰🍰

 

(While it is good to seek help in understanding yourself ,always remember that the final & only call for what you are is from yourself~)

 

 As someone with similar asexuality (minus relationships & replace sexual porn with kinks), I'd recommend you check out Aegosexuality. It is usually described as disconnection between the sexual target & oneself, it's in a way "only in theory sexuality". Maybe.

 "Aegosexuals may have sexual fantasies, view porn and other sexual content, or masturbate, but do not generally feel sexual attraction and typically do not desire to have sex with another person."

"Enjoying or getting aroused by sexual content, but lacking the same enthusiasm for a sexual relationship in real life."                 (both copypasted from lgbta.wikia)

 

 

 Other helpful label might be Grey Asexual, or just Aspec / Asexual Spectrum, as Aego isn't too widely known.

 

But what ever feels fitting to you, if any. It's fine to be confused & searching yourself. No matter how you are, it is fine & not wrong~

Borderline, if I could hug and kiss you on the forehead, I would. THANK - YOU - SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH! 

 

This encapsulates EVERYTHING that I've been feeling. I knew there were others like me out there, I knew there had to be a word and googling this word 'aegosexual' and seeing not only the literature on it but also the community and other people's shared experiences about it, this is IT! This is my word! 

 

Oh my gosh. Years. YEEEAAAARRRRRSSS of feeling like I was some kinda weirdo who much rather watched and observed sex and romance from the outside than be in it myself, I come to know that it is not only a valid feeling, there is a word for it and a community of people like me. Wow, thank you so so much. 

 

This is up there in one of the best days of my life. AVEN, I'm so thankful. You don't know how much this means to me. 

 

Thank you every single person who's contributed. Thank you so so much! 

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so if there's anybody out there like me, right now, after the beautiful people in this thread helping me out, I think what fits best and I'm so happy I can finally put a word to it is: aegosexual lithromantic. 

 

Aegosexual in the sense that I enjoying and get aroused by sexual content, but lack the same enthusiasm for a sexual relationship in real life. Lithromantic in the sense that in my experience I have felt romantically attracted to people but lost interest once the actual relationship became a reality.

 

Again, a very big big BIG thank you to @Borderline and @MCTlibrarian, you're literal gems. Thank you so much for this gift. Thank you.

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4 hours ago, Mikeyyy said:

so if there's anybody out there like me, right now, after the beautiful people in this thread helping me out, I think what fits best and I'm so happy I can finally put a word to it is: aegosexual lithromantic. 

 

Aegosexual in the sense that I enjoying and get aroused by sexual content, but lack the same enthusiasm for a sexual relationship in real life. Lithromantic in the sense that in my experience I have felt romantically attracted to people but lost interest once the actual relationship became a reality.

In fact, it should be spelled "anegosexual". Latin spelling rule: if the word negated by the prefix "a-" begins with a vowel, the prefix takes the extended form "an-". It works exactly the same as English articles: "a" for words beginning with a consonant, "an" for those beginning with a vowel.

To help everyone remember it ;), here's a cake with an extraordinarily colourful icing:

spacer.png

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I’m so happy for you for finding a label that fits you! I completely understand the relief at finding that there are people like you out there. Have some cake 🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂

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