How do you know if you are aro?

[lost-the-key]

I love my boyfriend, but it isn’t terribly romantic.  I like flowers, but I don’t get it.  Chocolate is nice, I appreciate the thought.   I love spending time with him, that’s what matters to me.  I don’t think I am aro, I am just asking, because it feels like every relationship I am in turns into hanging out as friends with an I love you here and there, sometimes a little more, sometimes it’s an I like you.  

[TormentDubz]

Sounds like it could be a qpr

[Janus the Fox]

Moved to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations

 

Janus DarkFox

Cover Welcome Lounge, Tea and Sympathy/(h)AVEN, Weekends Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

[Milque Toast]

Honestly, I'm a (mostly) questioning aro myself, purely because the one experimental relationship I was in felt exactly like that, and also because that's how they seem to be in my head. I would always question, "What would change if we went from being friends, to romantic partners?". My answer, more often than not was, "More of what we're already doing? And like.. maybe some hand holding?". When I'm interested in someone, it doesn't usually mean I want to kiss them or anything like that. I have a friend who I think is really cool, and I've suspected they may have a crush on me, but I've decided; yes, I really like being with them, but I have no interest in physical contact. It would be nice to go get ice cream on the weekend or something cute like that, but it's just because I find them a cool person, with no other reason (I believe this is called a squish). I think this is also just due to my lack of understanding of what "romance" really is, so I'd say I'm mostly just holding off on romantic relationships altogether until I am a bit older. But I've also never experienced a romantic crush of any kind, so that's the other reason I go with that label.

 

That's just a bit of a rant of how I feel, maybe this could help you if anything here sounds familiar?

[MCTlibrarian]

I mean, that could be aromanticism, but from what I've been hearing from my allo friends - that might just be the way every relationship goes sooner or later?

From what I'm told, the whole butterflies stuff is not a constant thing, more like a phenomenon for the first few months and then that retreats in favor of being intimately comfortable around each other and only comes back up occasionally.

 

[EliseDawn]

I know the feeling, I have only been in one non-platonic relationship, but it was probably not as romantic as the average non-platonic relationship. Other than going out to eat there were not many 'romantic' gestures, and I still do not know if I would have reacted positively to them or if they would have freaked me out. The primary distinguishing factor that I saw between that relationship and my platonic relationships was the physical contact. He liked hand-holding and constant physical contact, which I was okay with more because it made him happy than I enjoyed it. Toward the end of the relationship I started to realize that his friendship, and friendships in general, was more important to me than anything else relationship-wise. Since then I have been trying to figure out what exactly the difference is supposed to be between romantic and platonic relationships, as well as romantic and platonic attraction. I think that I never had a crush on the guy I dated, but I might have had 'crushes' on other people, however ultimately when I get close to someone platonically I tend to value that platonic connection more than the possibility of something else, and I cannot define what that 'possibility' even entails. 

 

That might have to do with the nature of how I am defining a 'crush', or my lack of understanding of attraction. I like the thought of cuddling with another person, and physical contact in theory seems nice. In practice, I know that I am more comfortable with having physical contact with females than males and I have never had to be in a non-platonic relationship with a female to get the type of physical contact that I enjoy. Additionally, I get the same general feelings that I could call a 'crush' toward people that my brain classifies as looking like they have a nice personality. Usually this is the feeling that leads me to become friends with a particular female. It happens less often with males but once I become friends with the person the feelings usually stop being annoying- with at least one exception of a person I became friends with and still want to cuddle with and that desire just makes me annoyed with my brain and uncomfortable. I am still trying to figure out if that makes me aromantic, biromantic, or heteroromantic and just confused. 

[sadoe]

On 4/26/2021 at 12:47 PM, EliseDawn said:

I know the feeling, I have only been in one non-platonic relationship, but it was probably not as romantic as the average non-platonic relationship. Other than going out to eat there were not many 'romantic' gestures, and I still do not know if I would have reacted positively to them or if they would have freaked me out. The primary distinguishing factor that I saw between that relationship and my platonic relationships was the physical contact. He liked hand-holding and constant physical contact, which I was okay with more because it made him happy than I enjoyed it. Toward the end of the relationship I started to realize that his friendship, and friendships in general, was more important to me than anything else relationship-wise. Since then I have been trying to figure out what exactly the difference is supposed to be between romantic and platonic relationships, as well as romantic and platonic attraction. I think that I never had a crush on the guy I dated, but I might have had 'crushes' on other people, however ultimately when I get close to someone platonically I tend to value that platonic connection more than the possibility of something else, and I cannot define what that 'possibility' even entails. 

 

That might have to do with the nature of how I am defining a 'crush', or my lack of understanding of attraction. I like the thought of cuddling with another person, and physical contact in theory seems nice. In practice, I know that I am more comfortable with having physical contact with females than males and I have never had to be in a non-platonic relationship with a female to get the type of physical contact that I enjoy. Additionally, I get the same general feelings that I could call a 'crush' toward people that my brain classifies as looking like they have a nice personality. Usually this is the feeling that leads me to become friends with a particular female. It happens less often with males but once I become friends with the person the feelings usually stop being annoying- with at least one exception of a person I became friends with and still want to cuddle with and that desire just makes me annoyed with my brain and uncomfortable. I am still trying to figure out if that makes me aromantic, biromantic, or heteroromantic and just confused. 

If it makes you feel any better, I feel almost the exact same way. I don't really have anything to add to the conversation, but I just wanted to let you know  that ur not the only one who feels like this 

[Zagadka]

The "romantic" more refers to the traits of the interpersonal relationship, how you feel connected or maybe belonging to someone, like soul mates, or you want to be partnered for a long time/life than it refers to traditional romantic gestures or treatment.

 

As for how you know... there is no real definition of what romantic is versus a QPR or very close friendship. That is kinda up to the people in the relationships.