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Just a vent post about being aro


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It’s frustrating to have someone that I think I should be able to fall in love with. I feel like I want to, but I just can’t. Before I found out about being aromantic (or greyromantic), I tried to force myself to fall in love with the person, but obviously it didn’t work; all it did was make me all kinds of upset with myself. I’m always thinking along the lines of, “I want to love you in that way...but I can’t even though I desperately want to.” 
 

I think I’m capable of very rare, weak “romantic feelings”, but they usually like to latch onto the people I don’t want them to latch onto. 
 


 

 

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28 minutes ago, Aimee03 said:

It’s frustrating to have someone that I think I should be able to fall in love with. I feel like I want to, but I just can’t. Before I found out about being aromantic (or greyromantic), I tried to force myself to fall in love with the person, but obviously it didn’t work; all it did was make me all kinds of upset with myself. I’m always thinking along the lines of, “I want to love you in that way...but I can’t even though I desperately want to.” 
 

I think I’m capable of very rare, weak “romantic feelings”, but they usually like to latch onto the people I don’t want them to latch onto. 
 


 

 

Before I started to identify myself as aro, I used to ask myself who „my type” was and I had no answer. Then I met a friends roommate and I thought “yeah, I guess someone like he would be your type” bc I really really like him and thought about “what would be if...” but nothing happened.

well, and then my friend told me that he could imagine dating me and all I thought was OH NO THIS CAN’T BE TRUE, PLEASE LET THIS BE A JOKE WHYYYY WOULD HE HAHAHAHAHA WHAT EVEN IS LOVE (yeah, really adult for the 21yo me) and just said that he should date another friend because it would not work (just because I’m “not able to” love sb romantically)

 

So, yeah, I think I kind of understand the feeling of want to fell in love with one person but just can’t

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I do not believe it is even possible to "force" yourself to "fall in love." This is an involuntary part of our experience, particularly as it is usually understood when worded "fall in love" or similar. The very reason for the verb "fall" to be in that phrase is to evoke the feeling of not being entirely in control of it. "Head over heels," etc., there is a long list of phrases that all mean about the same idea of love (in this context) being something that you are not in entirely in control of. Metaphors abound of "heart" vs "head" also, as sometimes one can "fall in love" with someone and you do not want it to happen (intellectually) but (emotionally) you're pretty much "all in." 

 

I cannot speak to whether your feelings specifically are due to being aro or grayromantic, just that wanting to fall in love is not sufficient for anyone. It is essentially involuntary if it happens.

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2 minutes ago, dgt said:

 

I do not believe it is even possible to "force" yourself to "fall in love." This is an involuntary part of our experience, particularly as it is usually understood when worded "fall in love" or similar. The very reason for the verb "fall" to be in that phrase is to evoke the feeling of not being entirely in control of it. "Head over heels," etc., there is a long list of phrases that all mean about the same idea of love (in this context) being something that you are not in entirely in control of. Metaphors abound of "heart" vs "head" also, as sometimes one can "fall in love" with someone and you do not want it to happen (intellectually) but (emotionally) you're pretty much "all in." 

 

I cannot speak to whether your feelings specifically are due to being aro or grayromantic, just that wanting to fall in love is not sufficient for anyone. It is essentially involuntary if it happens.

 

I agree. I don’t think I’ve ever truly fallen in love with anyone, as I’m sure I would know if it had happened. At least I assume I would have known.

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Yeah, that's really unfortunate.

Even more unfortunate that I can't give you any valueable advice.

 

I mean, for myself it seems like such feelings come and go in phases (or at least I'm hoping that they return) but I don't know how that might be for other persons.
Just ignoring feelings and continuing life might lead to a working state, but possibly longings come back and life feels empty without having what you imagined.

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On 4/5/2021 at 11:15 PM, Aimee03 said:

Before I found out about being aromantic (or greyromantic), I tried to force myself to fall in love with the person, but obviously it didn’t work; all it did was make me all kinds of upset with myself. I’m always thinking along the lines of, “I want to love you in that way...but I can’t even though I desperately want to.” 

Thiiiis is precisely why none of my past relationships worked out! And I feel like absolute garbage because I can't love them the way they want to be loved. And then trying just feels too insincere after awhile. Just having a QPR where they aren't expecting me to feel that way about them would just be perfect. I do feel love... just... not that way.

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Mind if I join in a bit with the venting? lol.  Although I'm more on the greyromantic side than straight-up aromantic.

 

Most of my friends are in very close romantic relationships, several of them have recently gotten married.  Looking on from the outside, it's obvious that there's a lot of emotional fulfillment / social-life satisfaction / etc. to be gained from romantic connections.  I want to experience those sorts of feelings.  But yet I very rarely feel that way towards other people, and I do not really expect romantic activities to be enjoyable to me the same way others appear to enjoy them.

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I get it. I've tried forcing myself to develop a crush before to try and feel "normal". This person looks nice, is nice, would make a great partner, so why can't I feel anything romantic for them? Or anyone at all? 😵 It can feel like you're missing out, but once you've taken time to accept it, you think about it less. 🙂

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