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HoweverYouWantToCallMe

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HoweverYouWantToCallMe

Hello!

I would like to share my story and get your opinion on what you read. I will begin by telling you my story and every possibly important detail. I am relatively new to the LGBTQIA+ community, but I have done my research and one of my closest friends is a part of the community too. I have finally decided to reach out to get an objective opinion since I have been told many times, that I will "grow out of it". Well, here I am a few years later, still questioning my sexuality. Disclaimer: I am not an English native speaker and I may get some terms wrong so please feel free to correct me. It is going to be a long story so make some tea or whatever and let's get started!

Ever since I was a kid, I was exposed to the idea of dating/being with the opposite gender. In kindergarten we had Barbie and Ken, I have mom and dad, grandparents or characters in books even. I grew up thinking, that I will find "the one" and we will be happy ever after. Just for the record, I will be turning 18 in a few months so I am fully aware of how things work. Even in kindergarten kids were dating or whatever, holding hands and other cute stuff. 

Elementary school was pretty normal, boring even. I easily made friends with both genders, but I got along with boys more. When I was 14 I got my first kiss. I totally didn't ask for it. It was really gross and I didn't like the guy, like at all. I just thought we were friends. I think I blacked out for a second because I realised after few days what had happened. We never talked about it because I remembered it later on and it was just embarrassing to think about. 

Everyone around me was dating and I felt like an outsider. I never had a best friend so I just went with the flow and spoke with whoever wanted to talk to me. There was this boy. I didn't know him, like at all. I made the first move and it was the worst thing that I could have done. I will tell you about it later on. I never initiated physical touch in that relationship. Normally I am really affectionate person, my sister is having a hard time because of it - she is like my big teddy bear. Back to the story. He was pretty sweet and kind. He asked me where I was okay with him touching me. Whenever we kissed I felt nothing, like nothing at all. Anyways we dated for like 2-3 months and we saw each other like 4 or 5 times... It's pretty sad huh? Now here comes the fun part. Break up. My "friend" at that time told him that I wasn't feeling well about this relationship, because it wasn't progressing anywhere. So after she told him that, he ended it and said that he didn't love me anymore. That is when I started having trust issues. Now I never trust other people about their feelings towards me. How do I know that they aren't faking it? I mean he probably said yes to the relationship only because he felt sorry for me...We are good now, we went to get sushi and we talked so he is not a bad guy.

Since then I never dated and yet, I give the best relationship advice to all my friends. But when my "friend" came to me that the day she reached the legal age for having sex (15 in my country) she had done it the whole night all over the place with a boy she didn't know that well, I just couldn't relate and I judged her hard for that. 

When I entered grammar school there was one boy in my class that was pretty cool (I mean half-French boy who reads Shakespeare?). We talked and he opened up to me about his struggles and worries (a lot of people do actually). After a few months of talking we got pretty close and at an event in school (we sleep in school and we watch movies the whole night two times a year), he started to be touchy with me. I froze. I really didn't like that and I immediately stopped talking to him. He even had a Christmas gift for me, but I was just confused with myself so I distanced from him. He started dating our classmate after like a month so I think that it wasn't a big deal for him.

Oh and there is another story I was like 13 and this boy on summer camp wanted to kiss me, I avoided him so badly and it wasn't even a big deal but...

Now there are my two childhood friends. Girl and boy. I am closer to the girl but I think that the boy likes me. Let's start with the boy. I know him since elementary school. From grade 1 to 4 he was hitting on my girl friend and it was soooooooo cute. I remind them of it quite frequently and neither of them likes to hear it. :) Anyways we went to the cinema few times, sushi and we text almost every day. The most skinship we ever had was a hug. I know his mom and she remembers me from primary school. I know his sister too, we are friends and she goes to the same school as I do. Some rumours have it that he said he wanted to have sex with me but I didn't hear it from him so I don't believe it. Overall he is pretty sweet but I never felt any kind of attraction to him. He got diagnosed with chronic illness recently so I am just trying to be there for him as his close friend.

Now the girl. I have known her since kindergarten so approximately 14 years. She knows everything about me and I trust her with my life. I have told her my darkest secrets except for this one. I am afraid that if I told her she would freak out and not want to talk to me ever again just in case I liked her. It is not likely to happen but I don't want to risk our relationship. I care deeply for her and I would do anything for her. I don't feel sexual attraction to her nor anyone else and I can't see myself touching her except for hugging her. I once thought about holding her hand and I sometimes put my hand around her shoulders but I think about not making her feel uncomfortable. She would not date me anyways because she is fully hetero and she talks to me about her boy struggles...She experienced her friend coming out as transgender and switching his orientation to straight so I think she would be pretty welcoming. 

When I was searching for answers I came across demiromantic asexual. I think it would fit my story most out of all. I feel uncomfortable when people are too close to me or are being touchy without my permission. I also deeply care for people close to me regardless of their gender. I would love to lie in their embrace and watch a movie together without having sex or intimately touching them. Please let me know your opinion of any kind. What orientation do you think I fit the most? I am tired of my relatives asking "Do you have a boyfriend?" or my gynaecologist asked me if I had sex and when I answer no, he replies: "Don't worry it will come soon, you are a pretty girl." Huh as if I cared about being judged by my appearance. Thank you for reading this and thank you for letting me know what you think. ❤️

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I think demiromantic asexual sounds like it could fit! There's no wrong answer, as long as you feel comfortable. From what I know about demiromanticism, it means that a person cannot feel romantic attraction until an emotional connection has been formed. Have you ever had a crush on someone after establishing an emotional bond? I know you said you dated someone, but I'm not sure if you said that you've ever had a crush. Which is totally fine, I identify as somewhere between romantic and aromatic but I can't recall if I've ever had a crush. Your experiences sounds kinda similar to mine, actually. 

Feel free to private message me if you want to talk more!

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Janus the Fox

Moved to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations

 

Janus DarkFox

Cover Welcome Lounge, Tea and Sympathy/(h)AVEN, Weekends Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

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HonoraryJedi

My opinion in regards to knowing if you are asexual and/or aromantic is that the longer you have gone without having experienced that feeling, the more likely it is that you are made like this vs not having found the right person. You have a lot of stories of people liking you and you not feeling the same for them. That happens to the allos as well, just because someone likes you doesn't mean you'll like them back, even if that is a feeling technically possible to you. The thing that is telling I think is that there are no stories of the other way around. You don't seem to be interested in people "that way", whether they are into you or not. And that sound pretty ace to me x) 

 

Romantic orientation is a little harder to get a sense for. I don't know if you are describing what you do feel for someone, or what you don't feel for someone.

 

20 hours ago, HoweverYouWantToCallMe said:

I made the first move and it was the worst thing that I could have done.

So, you regret getting into the relationship, but you also seem unhappy that you broke up. So, did you have strong feelings for him, and wanted to stay together?

 

20 hours ago, HoweverYouWantToCallMe said:

I have told her my darkest secrets except for this one.

What is the secret? That you might be ace? Or that you might like her romantically?

 

Also, is "skinship" a direct translation from something in your language? I have never heard it before but I like it x)

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HoweverYouWantToCallMe

Thank you for your reply!!!

When I am looking back at the relationship now I think it was a mistake getting into relationship just because of peer pressure, that's why I regret it. But I have also felt sad when the relationship ended because I thought that I was at fault for not trying enough and not making him be in love with me. 

I am really not sure about my feeling towards her, I just deeply care for her. And I am mostly afraid of her thinking that I have a crush on her and ending our friendship. 

Btw. I use word skinship to describe any kind of non-sexual touching - like touching and holding hands...

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HonoraryJedi

It's so strange, it's like your strongest feelings about these relationships are meta-feelings. About the relationships themselves rather than about the person. Like being worried about how your friend will interpret your feelings but not being sure yourself what those feelings are. So you felt like you were "supposed" to do more than make that guy love you. But did you WANT to? This is not necessarily a question that I am expecting you to answer. The confusion itself is information sometimes. I won't say 'information enough' because, well, it doesn't necessarily get you anywhere. It's just sometimes all the information you get.

 

I'll try to explain. I was confused for a long time about what love even is. How does one even define being romantically in love, especially when sex is not a part of it. I already figured out that I was ace before I knew that aromantic was something separate. So, without that sexual aspect, what makes the difference between being in love with someone, and caring deeply about a friend? I had become kind of comfortable with simply not knowing that, when I went into a romantic relationship with a friend I did care deeply about, and I found out I hated it. And so I realized that even if I didn't know exactly where the line was between romantic attraction and not, there was a line somewhere and I don't like being on the wrong side of it. I think it is probably smarter, at this time, to focus on the things that you want to do, rather than on what your feelings are called, if that makes sense. 

 

Your friend, for example. Are you happy with where your relationship it at the moment? Is there something missing? Do you think you would like to date her, if that was an option? Again, you don't have to answer these questions to me specifically, they are more for you to think about.

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HoweverYouWantToCallMe

Thank you. ❤️

I went out with her and one other friend and the first thing they were talking about were relationships. When they asked me, that I am happily single and I don't want a relationship now, they didn't get it. I also tried to drop some hints, but the reaction I got made me realise that they would never understand if I ever told them. 

I also had a long conversation with my sister yesterday and now I feel much better.

Thank you for your advice, I will surely think about it!

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