I am so confused, and derpressed, I think I need help with this.

[Sam21]

Hi, I'm new here and I need help...
I am severely depressed but this is making things worse. Recently, at the age of 28, I just started realising that although I claim to be pansexual, I might be asexual, or like a mix of the two. Like, I could be attracted to anyone, but I am usually not attracted to anyone. 
I have never been with anyone, and have never been in a relationship, but now I'm afraid to even consider it, cause... well, how will things work out if I'm not attracted to my partner? If we just never kiss or have sex, is that even a relationship? And who would even want to be with someone like that, anyway? 
I am finding it hard to accept myself. I thought I might be gay, cause I have had some sexual contact with men (received bj at uni) but I remember not being attracted to them at all but just doing it cause I was horny and it was easy to use Grindr than to find am actual male or female date. I know that's a bit shitty, sorry for that.
But I tried to just look up dick pics, and it does nothing to me, in fact, I don't like them at all. I looked up naked men, and I could appreciate their physiques but felt no attraction. I also looked up naked women and once again felt nothing. Well, that's not true, I felt a pang of... longing, perhaps... but no real arousal. However, I have gotten aroused by both gay and straight porn in the past. So I dunno...
I am really finding it hard to come to terms with this. I kinda don't want to be asexual. I want to be in a normal relationship and have a normal sex life. I know it's stupid, and I know this is like a ridiculous rant, but I dunno.. I'm just so tired of nothing going my way. I just want to be normal and average in just one way. Not the weird guy. And I know it's wrong to think of asexuality as weird, and I really don't. I think it's me who's weird. Cause I don't even fit into asexuality. I don't fit in anywhere, it seems.
Please don't be angry if I said something offensive. Just let me know and I'll learn and make sure not to say or think that again. I'm going crazy. (not here for advice about mental health, though) I'm on meds and therapy and it was working until a few months ago, when this issue started gnawing away at my sanity. 

[Phalena]

This is quite the rollercoaster of feelings. Welcome to AVEN, one of the most cuddly and sweet communities you can find! Please know that no matter which sexuality is yours, you're fine! And there is no shame in being confused and scared. Many on here can relate with you. It's tradition to greet new members with cake, so here you go!

[stellaris]

Hey there and welcome! 🍰

I am so glad that you have found AVEN and have decided to reach out. I've found that this community is really good place to be if you are unsure of anything. Take a look around the forum. There are a lot of things people have written which have really helped me figure things out. 

 

53 minutes ago, Sam21 said:

Recently, at the age of 28, I just started realising that although I claim to be pansexual, I might be asexual, or like a mix of the two. Like, I could be attracted to anyone, but I am usually not attracted to anyone. 

I just turned 22 and have also just started figuring things out. So, really, do not worry about it at all. Everything will fall into place. I experienced a similar bout of uncertainty. First I was sure I was straight, just because that is what is drilled into us from the get go. But I just couldn't get myself to be comfortable with relationships. As soon as anything would get a tiny bit serious with a guy I would have a major panic and end the whole thing before it began. I sort of accepted that I have "commitment issues" and forgot about the whole prospect of ever being in a relationship. That was until two years ago when this incredible girl started flirting with me at a party. At that moment I felt elated! Maybe I don't have commitment issues, maybe I'm just into the same sex, and all my anxiety was related to trying to be with guys, who I am not really interested in. But, Lo and Behold, that was not the case either. As soon as things got a tiny but serious with this girl, I had a huge panic and ended the whole thing before it began. At this point I was lost. What is wrong with me?? Am I just perpetually screwed up?? 

 

That was my outlook on things until just a few weeks ago, when by some wonderful chance encounter, I can across the term asexual. I wasn't incapable of being in a relationship because I had commitment issues. I panicked about relationships because of the prospect of sex which would inevitable ensue at some point down the line. And that it just something I really did not want to happen! 

I have since realised that I am panromantic, I am romantically attracted to people of any gender. I want to grow close to... anyone, really 😅 and have an intimate relationship, as long as there is no sex involved. 

 

1 hour ago, Sam21 said:

If we just never kiss or have sex, is that even a relationship? And who would even want to be with someone like that, anyway? 

When I first realised I was asexual, this was a major concern for me too. I don't want to be alone forever but I also don't want to feel I am withholding something from my significant other which leaves them feeling unsatisfied. But, since finding this community I've realised that there are so many other people out there just like me, who want relationships but don't want to involve any sex, that hope is not lost (I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true). And, sure, the probability of me finding one of these people who is compatible with me is low. But at least I can finally be myself and finally understand what I need to look for to make me happy one day. I can also finally stop thinking "what is wrong with me". There's nothing wrong with me. I just don't want the same things that 99% of the population do. And that's okay. 

 

1 hour ago, Sam21 said:

I am really finding it hard to come to terms with this. I kinda don't want to be asexual. I want to be in a normal relationship and have a normal sex life.

I feel this so deeply 😅💔 I so want to want the things that other people do. I don't want my chances of ending up alone to be so exponential. I just want to be happy.

 

But i've realised that this is who I am and no quantity of willpower is ever going to change that. 

But at least I now know what I am looking for, which gives me more of a chance to find something that will make me happy than I had before I realised that I'm asexual. No more wasted time searching for something in the wrong people. 

 

1 hour ago, Sam21 said:

Cause I don't even fit into asexuality

The spectrum of asexuality is sooo broad. Don't give up the search. 

Before I had done any research into it I thought "how could I possibly be asexual? I enjoy closeness and kissing etc. wayyy to much." But then I found out about the differences between romantic, sensual and sexual attraction. A thousand other "but, how..."'s came up between then and now. But I took the time to do the research and always ended right back at asexuality. I'm not saying that you are definitely asexual. I think that is something only you can know. What I am saying is, keep an open mind. Be open to the host of possibilities out there. And take your time. Try on different labels and see what feels right. But the worst thing that I could have done is pretend that there isn't something different about me. Because that would just have ended in even more wasted time. 

 

Anyways, I really hope that this helped a little. Feel free to drop me a message anytime. 

Stellaris

 

 

[Astrea]

1 hour ago, Sam21 said:

I kinda don't want to
be asexual. I want to be in a normal relationship and have a normal sex life.

Welcome to the club 😅

I think what your feelings are shared by a lot of aromantic / asexual people. And I am also pretty angry against our society for making coming to terms with not wanting sex or a relationship so hard for us.
It shouldn't be.
Anyway, I'm very sorry you are feeling so bad. I think everyone does sometimes. I'm myself not having a great time and I kinda joigned because growing older out of the 'romantic social norm' is scary and isolating (I'm 7 years older than you are). 
Have a virtual hug and lots of cake (that's what we do here... moral support and  cakes, mostly ^^)

Spoiler

 

[Depressed Muffin]

2 hours ago, Sam21 said:

Hi, I'm new here and I need help...
I am severely depressed but this is making things worse. Recently, at the age of 28, I just started realising that although I claim to be pansexual, I might be asexual, or like a mix of the two. Like, I could be attracted to anyone, but I am usually not attracted to anyone. 
I have never been with anyone, and have never been in a relationship, but now I'm afraid to even consider it, cause... well, how will things work out if I'm not attracted to my partner? If we just never kiss or have sex, is that even a relationship? And who would even want to be with someone like that, anyway? 
I am finding it hard to accept myself. I thought I might be gay, cause I have had some sexual contact with men (received bj at uni) but I remember not being attracted to them at all but just doing it cause I was horny and it was easy to use Grindr than to find am actual male or female date. I know that's a bit shitty, sorry for that.
But I tried to just look up dick pics, and it does nothing to me, in fact, I don't like them at all. I looked up naked men, and I could appreciate their physiques but felt no attraction. I also looked up naked women and once again felt nothing. Well, that's not true, I felt a pang of... longing, perhaps... but no real arousal. However, I have gotten aroused by both gay and straight porn in the past. So I dunno...
I am really finding it hard to come to terms with this. I kinda don't want to be asexual. I want to be in a normal relationship and have a normal sex life. I know it's stupid, and I know this is like a ridiculous rant, but I dunno.. I'm just so tired of nothing going my way. I just want to be normal and average in just one way. Not the weird guy. And I know it's wrong to think of asexuality as weird, and I really don't. I think it's me who's weird. Cause I don't even fit into asexuality. I don't fit in anywhere, it seems.
Please don't be angry if I said something offensive. Just let me know and I'll learn and make sure not to say or think that again. I'm going crazy. (not here for advice about mental health, though) I'm on meds and therapy and it was working until a few months ago, when this issue started gnawing away at my sanity. 

I feel you, my depression is also getting worse when there's something serious going on. Might be worth mentioning that it might be making things look much more hopeless at the moment. Just take your time with figuring things out, often we have to be confused for some time before giving names to all of our feelings. The great thing is that now you have the chance to figure out what is it specifically that you want to have and what are the circumstances that you need. Finding yourself can be a happy thing.

About the porn stuff, this is how libido can sometimes work, I think. It does make me feel something too, but it's just a kinda boring physical reaction that is not worth following. For me. It feels different than a sexual attraction towards a real person. I'm demisexual, so that sometimes happens to me too.

Being weird can be a great thing! I am weird too. As long as I am real and authentic and feeling my own soul some people seem to appreciate my personality. It's not about being normal, it's about being real.

[Sam21]

8 hours ago, Phalena said:

This is quite the rollercoaster of feelings. Welcome to AVEN, one of the most cuddly and sweet communities you can find! Please know that no matter which sexuality is yours, you're fine! And there is no shame in being confused and scared. Many on here can relate with you. It's tradition to greet new members with cake, so here you go!

Thank you for the cake! Yeah, I'm so scared and confused. With all the heteronormativity we are blasted with all day every day... I have a long way to go before I can accept myself, whatever orientation I am.

[Sam21]

6 hours ago, stellaris said:

Hey there and welcome! 🍰

I am so glad that you have found AVEN and have decided to reach out. I've found that this community is really good place to be if you are unsure of anything. Take a look around the forum. There are a lot of things people have written which have really helped me figure things out. 

 

I just turned 22 and have also just started figuring things out. So, really, do not worry about it at all. Everything will fall into place. I experienced a similar bout of uncertainty. First I was sure I was straight, just because that is what is drilled into us from the get go. But I just couldn't get myself to be comfortable with relationships. As soon as anything would get a tiny bit serious with a guy I would have a major panic and end the whole thing before it began. I sort of accepted that I have "commitment issues" and forgot about the whole prospect of ever being in a relationship. That was until two years ago when this incredible girl started flirting with me at a party. At that moment I felt elated! Maybe I don't have commitment issues, maybe I'm just into the same sex, and all my anxiety was related to trying to be with guys, who I am not really interested in. But, Lo and Behold, that was not the case either. As soon as things got a tiny but serious with this girl, I had a huge panic and ended the whole thing before it began. At this point I was lost. What is wrong with me?? Am I just perpetually screwed up?? 

 

That was my outlook on things until just a few weeks ago, when by some wonderful chance encounter, I can across the term asexual. I wasn't incapable of being in a relationship because I had commitment issues. I panicked about relationships because of the prospect of sex which would inevitable ensue at some point down the line. And that it just something I really did not want to happen! 

I have since realised that I am panromantic, I am romantically attracted to people of any gender. I want to grow close to... anyone, really 😅 and have an intimate relationship, as long as there is no sex involved. 

 

When I first realised I was asexual, this was a major concern for me too. I don't want to be alone forever but I also don't want to feel I am withholding something from my significant other which leaves them feeling unsatisfied. But, since finding this community I've realised that there are so many other people out there just like me, who want relationships but don't want to involve any sex, that hope is not lost (I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true). And, sure, the probability of me finding one of these people who is compatible with me is low. But at least I can finally be myself and finally understand what I need to look for to make me happy one day. I can also finally stop thinking "what is wrong with me". There's nothing wrong with me. I just don't want the same things that 99% of the population do. And that's okay. 

 

I feel this so deeply 😅💔 I so want to want the things that other people do. I don't want my chances of ending up alone to be so exponential. I just want to be happy.

 

But i've realised that this is who I am and no quantity of willpower is ever going to change that. 

But at least I now know what I am looking for, which gives me more of a chance to find something that will make me happy than I had before I realised that I'm asexual. No more wasted time searching for something in the wrong people. 

 

The spectrum of asexuality is sooo broad. Don't give up the search. 

Before I had done any research into it I thought "how could I possibly be asexual? I enjoy closeness and kissing etc. wayyy to much." But then I found out about the differences between romantic, sensual and sexual attraction. A thousand other "but, how..."'s came up between then and now. But I took the time to do the research and always ended right back at asexuality. I'm not saying that you are definitely asexual. I think that is something only you can know. What I am saying is, keep an open mind. Be open to the host of possibilities out there. And take your time. Try on different labels and see what feels right. But the worst thing that I could have done is pretend that there isn't something different about me. Because that would just have ended in even more wasted time. 

 

Anyways, I really hope that this helped a little. Feel free to drop me a message anytime. 

Stellaris

 

 

Thank you. It's nice to see you went through very similar things.

Asexual panromantic might be the right one. As I consciously don't think I care about the gender or sex of the person I would date. The uncertainty is terrifying, though. Sometimes, I feel guilty and that I must be gay and in denial, as I've received and enjoyed bj's from other male uni students. I spent a while thinking I might be gay or bisexual, but when once day I did have the chance to have sex with a guy, I just couldn't do it at all. Besides that, I feel only repulsed by the idea of even touching another guy's junk. So then I think I can't possibly be gay. But then I think, maybe I'm just in denial somehow and hence afraid of it. But then I remember how I felt about my first crush, and how I have felt like I want a relationship with a woman, many times. So then I think I can't be in denial then, but must be bisexual. I'm in a weird place where I kinda long for sex with a woman but also don't feel excitement at the idea of it. I realise the bj's were just because it was easy. (the gay community is much more sex positive, I think). And because I was horny. I usually closed my eyes and kinda pretended the guy wasn't there and I was spontaneously feeling pleasure. I feel a bit comfortable in my sexuality then. But then if I'm about to go on a date with a girl, I feel horribly guilty. What if I'm gay and basically deceiving this girl? And if I happen to go on a date with a guy (which has happened once), I feel bad because I know I only feel repulsed at the idea of sex with him. I keep going back and forth like that and it fucks up my mental state. 

I think I have had feelings for a male friend after being close friends with him for years, but never felt any sexual attraction at all. I also had feelings for that girl in school.. and those were some very intense feelings. I remember crying at night several times, knowing that she was not interested and that I'd just have to hide my feelings and deal with it if I don't want to lose her friendship too. 

And about accepting... yeah, I know logically I can't change my sexual orientation... and it's sort of crushing knowing that. I feel like I'm stuck in between. Kinda wanting sex but also not being able to really desire sex, or have passionate sexual feelings. Wish it were one way or another. At either end of the spectrum.

Thank you for the reply. It gave me some comfort.

[Sam21]

Posted without quoting by mistake.

[Sam21]

6 hours ago, Astrea said:

Welcome to the club 😅

I think what your feelings are shared by a lot of aromantic / asexual people. And I am also pretty angry against our society for making coming to terms with not wanting sex or a relationship so hard for us.
It shouldn't be.
Anyway, I'm very sorry you are feeling so bad. I think everyone does sometimes. I'm myself not having a great time and I kinda joigned because growing older out of the 'romantic social norm' is scary and isolating (I'm 7 years older than you are). 
Have a virtual hug and lots of cake (that's what we do here... moral support and  cakes, mostly ^^)

  Reveal hidden contents

 

It really does feel isolating. And yeah, I'm also angry that all the norms in society have been so deeply nailed into my brain and are making it so hard for me to accept myself. And I had the most progressive upbringing, so I always preached acceptance to others, and now I can't accept myself! I feel like a hypocrite.

 

[Sam21]

6 hours ago, Depressed Muffin said:

I feel you, my depression is also getting worse when there's something serious going on. Might be worth mentioning that it might be making things look much more hopeless at the moment. Just take your time with figuring things out, often we have to be confused for some time before giving names to all of our feelings. The great thing is that now you have the chance to figure out what is it specifically that you want to have and what are the circumstances that you need. Finding yourself can be a happy thing.

About the porn stuff, this is how libido can sometimes work, I think. It does make me feel something too, but it's just a kinda boring physical reaction that is not worth following. For me. It feels different than a sexual attraction towards a real person. I'm demisexual, so that sometimes happens to me too.

Being weird can be a great thing! I am weird too. As long as I am real and authentic and feeling my own soul some people seem to appreciate my personality. It's not about being normal, it's about being real.

Yeah, I know I'm obsessing over this which is making it much worse in my mind.
How do I figure out, though? I don't know...
Speaking of libido, I'm also on some strong meds that are affecting my libido, so this is even more confusing. Like, I hope I will not suddenly think I'm not asexual when I'm off the meds in a few weeks (I asked for a change of meds). 

[stellaris]

11 hours ago, Sam21 said:

The uncertainty is terrifying, though.

I definitely relate. Although for me, it has been more "long-term terror" lol 😅. Honestly, the past ten years or so have been based on a low underlying foundation of terror, wondering "what is wrong with me" and fearing I would never find an answer. It was also really strange because I was like "I'm into everyone" but at the same time I was like "I'm into no one" 😅 Meanwhile, I was actually into everyone I just didn't want to have sex with them lol 😅🤷‍♀️ Life has started to scare me a lot less since I discovered asexuality. 

 

11 hours ago, Sam21 said:

I feel guilty and that I must be gay and in denial

I find it so difficult to tease apart what I am actually experiencing and what I have been programmed to experience based on the generally accepted "societal norms". Am I not actually asexual, but rather repulsed by sex because of underlying guilt about being homosexual, something society has drilled into us as being "wrong"??? This train of thought does occasionally begin to run rampant in my mind. But then I open AVEN and read the stories of others and think to myself, if I am just in denial, how could the experiences and feelings of so many other people be just the same as mine? Having a community grounds me. I hope that you can find something that grounds you too.

 

12 hours ago, Sam21 said:

But then if I'm about to go on a date with a girl, I feel horribly guilty. What if I'm gay and basically deceiving this girl? And if I happen to go on a date with a guy (which has happened once), I feel bad because I know I only feel repulsed at the idea of sex with him. I keep going back and forth like that and it fucks up my mental state. 

 

This has been my exact problem! And if you boil it down, it's all related to sex. The guilt of "leading someone on" by giving them the impression that you are interested in them sexually. I don't know about you, but I am someone who craves deep discussions and being intimate with someone on an emotional level. I would make some really close friends who would eventually start to get the wrong impression. That I am telling them personal things and learning personal things about them in return with the eventual intention of a romantic relationship  which would "naturally" (naturally to someone who is not asexual) involve sex. And, yes, I would like to be in a romantic relationship and be emotionally intimate with this person but only if I know that there will never be any sex involved. "Fucks up my mental state" is an accurate outcome. 

 

12 hours ago, Sam21 said:

Kinda wanting sex but also not being able to really desire sex, or have passionate sexual feelings.

This is me too. In my mind I often think about sex and feel like "yeah, I could be into that" but I don't actually feel that attraction. Like seeing someone and being like "yes, can we have sex right now please", that just doesn't happen to me. And even with the people I am emotionally intimate with. All I think about when I'm with them is, "pleaaaase just hold my hand or kiss me or just tuck my hair behind my ear or something" but not once have I ever thought "yes, lets have sex right now". And I've found that what I think about vs what I actually experience are often mutually exclusive. And my thoughts don't make me any less asexual than I am. 

 

I am overjoyed that my previous response gave you some comfort. Airing all of this out is actually bringing me some comfort too. 

 

Stellaris

[Marlow1]

@Sam21

 

 

 

The Rare Condition That Makes You Instantly Forget What Friends and Lovers Look Like (vice.com)

 

 

[Sam21]

On 4/6/2021 at 2:24 PM, stellaris said:

I definitely relate. Although for me, it has been more "long-term terror" lol 😅. Honestly, the past ten years or so have been based on a low underlying foundation of terror, wondering "what is wrong with me" and fearing I would never find an answer. It was also really strange because I was like "I'm into everyone" but at the same time I was like "I'm into no one" 😅 Meanwhile, I was actually into everyone I just didn't want to have sex with them lol 😅🤷‍♀️ Life has started to scare me a lot less since I discovered asexuality. 

 

I find it so difficult to tease apart what I am actually experiencing and what I have been programmed to experience based on the generally accepted "societal norms". Am I not actually asexual, but rather repulsed by sex because of underlying guilt about being homosexual, something society has drilled into us as being "wrong"??? This train of thought does occasionally begin to run rampant in my mind. But then I open AVEN and read the stories of others and think to myself, if I am just in denial, how could the experiences and feelings of so many other people be just the same as mine? Having a community grounds me. I hope that you can find something that grounds you too.

 

 

This has been my exact problem! And if you boil it down, it's all related to sex. The guilt of "leading someone on" by giving them the impression that you are interested in them sexually. I don't know about you, but I am someone who craves deep discussions and being intimate with someone on an emotional level. I would make some really close friends who would eventually start to get the wrong impression. That I am telling them personal things and learning personal things about them in return with the eventual intention of a romantic relationship  which would "naturally" (naturally to someone who is not asexual) involve sex. And, yes, I would like to be in a romantic relationship and be emotionally intimate with this person but only if I know that there will never be any sex involved. "Fucks up my mental state" is an accurate outcome. 

 

This is me too. In my mind I often think about sex and feel like "yeah, I could be into that" but I don't actually feel that attraction. Like seeing someone and being like "yes, can we have sex right now please", that just doesn't happen to me. And even with the people I am emotionally intimate with. All I think about when I'm with them is, "pleaaaase just hold my hand or kiss me or just tuck my hair behind my ear or something" but not once have I ever thought "yes, lets have sex right now". And I've found that what I think about vs what I actually experience are often mutually exclusive. And my thoughts don't make me any less asexual than I am. 

 

I am overjoyed that my previous response gave you some comfort. Airing all of this out is actually bringing me some comfort too. 

 

Stellaris

All the stuff you said explains my current thoughts and feelings perfectly. I feel so validated. Thank you!

[Sam21]

On 4/7/2021 at 1:28 AM, Marlow1 said:

@Sam21

 

I did not ever experience attractio0n until my mid 30s and since then I have only ever been attracted the the one same person. I know for certainty that this is related to my Aphantasia

 

The Rare Condition That Makes You Instantly Forget What Friends and Lovers Look Like (vice.com)

 

If this is not you please do not be offended, I only tell folk about this to help them not keep going around in circles

Interesting.. I'll have to think about this. Thank you.