What the heck am I feeling? (late-thirties aro-ace possibly falling in love)

[MCTlibrarian]

Hi everyone,

 

I posted this over at the Arocalypse-forums and someone recommended I re-post it here, so here goes.

This is going to be a very long story - I apologize in advance. But I did put a tl;dr at the end

At 37, I thought I should have figured out what my deal was. Turns out - I'm even farther off than before.

I've had three crushes in my life, and I've been in love once.
Not one, but two of those crushes (one at seventeen and one in my early twenties) had the person in question send pretty strong signals that they were interested as well, until they confided in me, elatedly, that they were in love with somebody else.
It was then that I noticed - I didn't care all that much.
I should have felt hurt and betrayed and heartbroken, but all I felt was a short burst of "Oh - that's too bad, I guess" and then I just... made peace with it. Even ended up setting them up with the other girl in one case.
It confused me a lot. How come I took this in stride? And furthermore, what would have happened if we had ended up as a couple? Would I even have wanted that?

I fell in love for the first and, up to now, only time, at 21. We seemed perfect for each other, like an especially cheesy romcom screenwriter had created us specifically for each other. We had the same sense of humor, were interested in the same things, there were tons of chemistry whenever we saw each other. My heart beat faster every time I thought of him.
When we finally went on a date, just the two of us, and he bashfully told me that he had feelings for me, I was so sure I wanted to be with him - absolutely convinced this was the man of my dreams - and I kissed him.
That was the moment it all went sideways.
I immediately tensed up. It felt wrong, like I'd made a mistake; like enjoying a stroll through a winter landscape and suddenly realizing you're actually on a frozen lake that's just about to break.

I couldn't bring myself to tell him, so I kinda played along. Not least because I was not ready to give up on the castle in the clouds I had built for us in my head. I liked him so very much, I had enjoyed spending time with him immensely - that couldn't just have disappeared into thin air after ONE kiss, could it? It made absolutely no sense.
So I strung the poor guy along for two months.
I tried to convince myself that the feelings that had led to me kissing him were just buried underneath a layer of fear, that my own courage of initiating a relationship - my first ever relationship - had overwhelmed me. I was hoping I'd get used to the thought of being in a couple, feel comfortable after a while.

But that feeling never came.
I found myself almost repulsed by his touch. I'd try to get out of dates, keep him at arm's length, all the while chastising myself for being heartless and abnormal. This was the nicest guy in the world and he liked me so much, what kind of a b* could not appreciate that?

When I finally broke up with him, he was devastated, and I was devastated for him. I was also very much heartbroken myself, but I did not allow myself those feelings - I didn't think I deserved them, nor any compassion from my friends.
Even years later I'd think back to that failed relationship with a pang of guilt and self-hatred.

I'd try flirting and dating in the years that followed, but my heart, as it were, wasn't in it. The third crush mentioned above fell into that time period - I was interested in the guy and I did flirt, but he wasn't on my mind all that much. I enjoyed getting to know him because he was an interesting person, but in the end I realized I didn't want to be more than friends.

And so my interest in relationships kinda just petered out over the years.
I did make a really nice life for myself: A job I love, close circle of friends, a great relationship with my family, godkids I love to bits - I was alone (and liked it), but never lonely; never felt like my life was lacking.

I started identifying as aro-ace. It made sense on so many levels.
I had never felt sexually attracted to any of the aforementioned people, not even that one almost-love-story. But even platonic, romantic gestures had seemed too much for me in the past, and the thought of being in a relationship set me on edge, particularly the thought of living together. I am an introvert to the point that I tense up when I spend too much time with other people without getting a few hours to myself inbetween, even if it's just at night in bed.
I was very content for more than 15 years with both this identity and my chosen lifestyle.

Until this year, that is:
There's now a person in my life who sort of nudges at a part of me I thought wasn't there at all.
We had a bit of a rocky start because he started to feel strongly for me after only a few weeks of online contact, when I hadn't even seen a picture of him yet, but had told him my position on romance and relationships. It took him a while to grasp that I was not "friendzoning" him, but genuinely liked him, tons, as much as I'm capable of, but that I have boundaries that are different from those of the vast majority of women he's met in his life.
However, by this point, I'm starting to feel a fondness I thought was out of the question for an aro-ace person.
I do like him in a different way than I like my friends, and I can't help smiling when I talk about him. My heart beats faster when I think of him. I enjoy spending time with him every day and even the worst day feels lighter as soon as I hear his voice. I even find myself fantasizing about "couple moments" we might share.
I'm starting to build castles in the clouds again.

It's not my biological clock: That ship has sailed and I'm not sad at all to see it go. I'm the best auntie in the world and that fulfils me plenty and then some.
It's also not loneliness: I feel very comfortable on my own - more so, most of the time, than I do in company.

We live 170 miles apart and, due to the pandemic, have not met in person yet. I'd love to, though: find out if these pictures in my head hold up in real life.
But what if I think they do, and we do kiss, and then everything feels wrong again?
Don't I have more to lose than to gain?


--- TL;DR ---
I've identified as aro-ace for more than 15 years but find myself falling in love at almost 40.

So: What is this?
Is it just a squish? But then how come I'm fantasizing about romantic situations?
If aro-ace means you're not interested in romantic or sexual relationships, why do I want to be in love?

Has this happened to any of you?

[Destranix]

Well, seems like you made new experiences, congratulation. It's up to you to choose, whether you gonna try to make this more or you stay where you are.
 

I never really identified as aromantic, but when looking back, all romantic thoughts I had where about persons nit considered "real". And those feelings I had where not much graspable.
But then things changed, and I had (and still have) to do some sort of choice. I felt things I couldn't remember feeling before that way, also had romantic thoughts aubout a "real" person.
What I see is, that whatever this my lead to, is more than what I got now, or at least something, that could lead to more desireable states, although possibly still having moments will less desireable feelings, but definitly mor than I got now.

 

I could try to make some more relations between your state, mine, and those of other, but I'm not in the right mood. I think I talked about the topic here on AVEN lately, I guess it was the following thread, but I'm not sure and don't want to reread it:

 

[Lord Jade Cross]

I have a bit of a different take on this, much to my ever cynical nature, but it's always all too possible to confuse infatuation with the loosely and often poorly kept idea of what we define as love or being in love regardless of age.

 

I say this as a guy who got along with (my best friend at the time) a girl and we were kind of inseparable. We would eat lunch together, spend most of our time together, to the point where we would worry about the other if too long had passed and we haven't heard from them. We had similar tastes, identical views and you could not see us mad at each other over much and if something did happen, we would be back before long. Sounds dreamy right? Match made in heaven?

 

Except the day came when she kissed me and that turned everything on it's head, eventually leading to us separating. I felt just the same way you did, like complete and utter shit because here was a girl, my best friend, opening up in probably THE hardest way for her as she wasn't the emotional type and all I did was basically spit in her face, or at least that's how I felt when I couldn't reciprocate her feelings for me.

 

I called her to make sure she was ok, I tried my hardest to wrap my head around why the hell didn't I, couldn't I feel the same way about her if everything else seemed so perfect. But the realization was that there just wasn't anything there, like what she was feeling for me.

 

It was a painful lesson and the loss of the best friend I ever had, but I have learned that those castles in the sky that we build in our heads can quickly fall when we hit reality and that we should be extremely careful because it's all too easy to be swayed by those emotions. They feel good after all so how could it ever be bad right? True to it's word, reality, unfortunately, is much more disappointing

[Destranix]

4 minutes ago, Comrade Jade Cross said:

Sounds dreamy right? Match made in heaven?

"But something went wrong..." <- What I thought when reading that passage.

 

It was expectable, that this state you described would not last forever. I'm not sure why thought.
Such things tend to lead to either feeling somehow not satisfied or bored/longing for new adventures but while fear to loss what you've got at the moment, or to loss of feelings or external destruction.

 

One will have to think about such possible circumstances while dreaming, allowing to find solutions to possible uprising problems and/or early determination of if a realtionship is probable to last for longer time and how this relationship may look like or change.

 

It's hard, as it's also connected with changes to participate in new relationships, as they often or sometimes require to let other things behind or not pay attention to them.
But world does nothing but changing, life does nothing.
Not being prepared for changes is a result of living longer time without changes. Changing gets harder, than older we get and we don't got enough time to get used to it while resting. Changes must be part of our life. Always. That is, how we can learn to combine dreams and reality.

(And although this may sound a little bit rough, it actually isn't. Changes are not bad, changes are part of life, part of existence, they make as more than just finite, static, deterministic constructs, they are, what make our consiousness valueable/necessary)

 

[Lord Jade Cross]

24 minutes ago, Destranix said:

 

It was expectable, that this state you described would not last forever. I'm not sure why thought.

"If something is too good to be true, its because it probably is" 

[PrimeJelly]

2 hours ago, MCTlibrarian said:

Is it just a squish? But then how come I'm fantasizing about romantic situations?
If aro-ace means you're not interested in romantic or sexual relationships, why do I want to be in love?

Has this happened to any of you?

Well your definition of aromantic is wrong. Being Aromantic means you don't feel romantic attraction. Wanting a romantic relationship and being aromantic is entirely possible, just like a person can be sex-positive and still be asexual. There are cases of aro/ace people marrying a trusted partner.

 

You can be Lithoromantic meaning you can imagine being in a relationship with them and do all kinds of romantic stuff but when things become real and you start dating them, your dreamy state would crash down and you no longer feel anything for them. 

 

You can still label yourself as an aromantic despite feeling little bursts of romantic attraction, that's what I do. I have only had one crush in my entire life but for the most part I am aromantic. Just because I had this ONE instance, it doesn't make me feel like I'm any less of an aro. It's all up to you to decide what you want to label yourself. You aren't a "fake" aromantic, just because you feel this way, if that's what you're concerned about.

[The Abhorred]

It sounds like you have fallen in love with this person. I believe that's something that can happen to anyone, at any age and that you can have that feeling for a stranger you know over the internet. Try not to think of the past. As we grow we change, life situations, the people in our life change us so it's possible you won't feel the same as then. This is a new different person, a whole new situation that could turn into a relationship, a friendship or that could be mean nothing.

You ask if there's anything to gain from this. It's a new life experience that can help you be a better person even if you decide later to drop it.

 

2 hours ago, MCTlibrarian said:

It's not my biological clock: That ship has sailed and I'm not sad at all to see it go.

Why us women think like that?! No of course it's not.

 

[HonoraryJedi]

Glad you reposted this, I swear I started writing a reply on arocalypse twice, but somehow got distracted and closed down the browser before posting both times. Here goes. I am you from 8 years ago. Sortof, at least. The part that has happened to me is something like that first experience. I had started to wonder if I was aro, when I got feelings for a friend that threw me for a loop. I remember having to ask myself how much time one could feasibly spend thinking about a person before one has to admit to being in love. It wasn't the kiss specifically, but once we were in a relationship, I did feel that wrongness that you describe. After breaking up, I was more certain that romantic love just wasn't for me. So that's where I am coming from here.

 

1 hour ago, MCTlibrarian said:

If aro-ace means you're not interested in romantic or sexual relationships, why do I want to be in love?

I personally think it is a mistake to start from the label and trying to figure out what a feeling means, it is better to start from the feelings and dealing with the label. You want to be in love so you want to be in love. I think what identifying as aromantic is going to here is mostly the historical context. I can't personally really say if you have now found that 'right person' (as annoying as aros often think it is when this is brought up, it has been documented to happen. I think in fact, I think the reason people are so fast to suggest it is that for some people, having their feelings on sex and romance change in response to a specific person is genuinely what happened to them) or if it is like that first time, it feels great imagining it, but once something actually happens, it suddenly feels wrong.

 

1 hour ago, MCTlibrarian said:

We live 170 miles apart and, due to the pandemic, have not met in person yet. I'd love to, though: find out if these pictures in my head hold up in real life.
But what if I think they do, and we do kiss, and then everything feels wrong again?

You know, I think that is entirely possible that the thing that happened last time will repeat itself. At least, it feels very likely to me, as it echoes the experience I had. You have something I don't though, hindsight. You can compare this feeling to that other time, and make a judgement on if there is something markedly different that I can't tell from this side of the internet. And I will also say, in either case it is no argument against meeting up in real life once you can do so safely, and see how it feels then.  Having the previous experience also gives you some insight, you know that's a possibility now, and can be honest about it, if you do decide that things are going a romantic direction and you want to see if that works. And whatever direction it goes, this is a person you like, and want to get to know.

 

1 hour ago, MCTlibrarian said:

Don't I have more to lose than to gain?

Your potential gain is kind of obvious, best case scenario is a relationship like the one you are now imagining. Even just knowing that romantic love is an option to you, would be a big gain I think. The loss though, I see that as yanking someone around unnecessary, when you ought to have known yourself better. Being honest about the worries you're having now would mitigate that.

 

Something else that is kind of an aside but I wanted to bring up anyway:

2 hours ago, MCTlibrarian said:

Is it just a squish?

While I don't really use the word squish myself, I do know what it means. And I am cautions to the use of the word 'just' in cases like these. Are the clearly very powerful and real feelings you're having right now suddenly of lesser worth if they turn out not to be romantic in nature? Those feelings are what they are.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Sounds like you were romantic all along tbh, considering you had crushes before. Romantic doesn't mean constant Romeo and Juliet style melodrama, it just means the capacity for romantic feelings is there. I'm romantic, but prioritise platonic relations every time; that doesn't make me aro. It sounds very much like you've met someone compatible and want to take it further, so try it; we only have one guaranteed life, make the most of it.

[Lord Jade Cross]

18 minutes ago, The Abhorred said:

 

Why us women think like that?! No of course it's not.

 

Probably because that's the go to response women are given? At least the times I've heard cases of women not wanting to marry or have kids or be in relationships in general, the default "reason" or phrase thrown out is "your biological clock will kick in and you will change your mind" as if it's impossible for them not to get into relationships/marriage/kids

[The Abhorred]

4 minutes ago, Comrade Jade Cross said:

Probably because that's the go to response women are given? At least the times I've heard cases of women not wanting to marry or have kids or be in relationships in general, the default "reason" or phrase thrown out is "your biological clock will kick in and you will change your mind" as if it's impossible for them not to get into relationships/marriage/kids

The other thing we often hear is that after a certain age our hormones go crazy because the fertile years go by and we have to have children. But those who say those things today are sexists who consider themselves victims of women's desire to become mothers. Once but not so a while ago It used to be an indisputable fact that our purpose as humans in life is to get married and have a family.

[Lord Jade Cross]

6 minutes ago, The Abhorred said:

Once but not so a while ago It used to be an indisputable fact that our purpose as humans in life is to get married and have a family.

That is still being pushed on both sexes. 

[Guest]

I've rarely come across a post that so perfectly mirrors my life and experiences. Even our ages match up!

 

Anyway, here's my two cents. Labels are only ever as useful as you make them. They give you the words to describe what you are and aren't feeling and can help in determining where you stand. If you don't fit perfectly in that little box, well it's only a label.

 

And for what it's worth, I've always regretted the what-ifs more, even with some bad experiences on the occasions where I took the chance (mainly exactly like that one guy you describe you fell in love with, that literally happened to me too).

[Guest]

6 hours ago, MCTlibrarian said:

We live 170 miles apart and, due to the pandemic, have not met in person yet. I'd love to, though: find out if these pictures in my head hold up in real life.
But what if I think they do, and we do kiss, and then everything feels wrong again?

I think the best you could do is to be open and tell to this person that you don't know exactly of what nature your feelings are and if he is willing to be patient, than go for it and see what are they.

[MCTlibrarian]

Hi everybody,

 

thank you so much for your replies! It is so helpful to have the perspective of someone other than my mostly very allo friends on this.

 

"I felt things I couldn't remember feeling before that way" perfectly encapsulates how I feel! And also why I'm so overwhelmed by this situation. I'm trying to figure out if this is all just what my head wants me to feel, or if it really comes from the heart, cheesy as that might sound.

While I have accepted and even embraced being aro-ace (or, now, possibly greyro-ace, demiro-ace or lithro-ace) for a long time, I'm afraid I've never been able to completely shake the whole toxic "wish I was normal" thing.
I grew up with allonormativity as the only "fathomable" option: It took me a very, very long time to get my immediate family to see things from my perspective, and especially my mom to accept that I'm not missing out on anything. There's still people in my extended family that think I'm mentally ill. So I think there remains a tiny part of me that hopes I could still "take the easy way out".

 

I've wondered if this is just infatuation as well, but I don't think so - we've been getting to know each other since October and have had very long and deep conversations; the whole I-may-be-falling-for-this-guy only started pretty recently. Up until then, I was happy to spend time with him, but no butterflies whatsoever.

Now when we hang out, it's mostly a calmly happy "this is SO nice, this person just gets me, I feel so comfortable, they're so special to me".

 

I probably won't find out if what I feel for him may be more than platonic unless I meet him in person, so we've now made plans for May 1st, and while I do wonder why I'm not freaking out yet (because previous experience tells me I will), I am looking forward to it - unless the pandemic crushes those plans last minute.
We've talked about my orientation a few times, though I think I should really tell him the story of my one and only brush with love in detail. Make sure he has a chance to not take it personally if something does go awry.

I do believe he's come to terms with us probably never ending up as lovers in the "traditional" sense and that my affection for him is real and sincere, that I'm not playing games with him. So, I'm hopeful. Even if, chatting with our friends, he's been mentioning time and again that he's okay with staying single which is... not quite the point..?! But, baby steps. Keeping in mind that he hadn't even heard of aromanticism and still thinks asexuality stems from trauma, he's come a long way.

[PrimeJelly]

On 4/5/2021 at 10:33 AM, Comrade Jade Cross said:

the default "reason" or phrase thrown out is "your biological clock will kick in and you will change your mind"

My brother says this to me CONSTANTLY!! He tells me how his friends girlfriend was devoted on being an independent woman, just like how I am acting, (I haven't come out to him as trans, but that's unrelated). But then after she hit her 30's, it was like a light switch and she wants to be a housewife and have kids. He is telling me how me not wanting children or to be a housewife is all just a phase. I will some day come to adopt my "woman" side and become a proper 'wife' to someone. 😒😑

 

Tbh his disgusting words boil me to the core! So what if many women he knows feel this way?! They are not me!!

[MCTlibrarian]

  

Hi you guys (and sorry to the Arocalypse peeps for whom this is a double-post 😉), I just wanted to give you a little update on this story.

 

So, last weekend, I went and met the guy and it was... different from what I was (almost) expecting.

 

First of all, I wasn't nervous. Like, at all. Usually, I'm a bundle of nerves whenever I meet somebody new, no matter my feelings towards them. I may have tensed up a little when my bus arrived and I saw him waiting there for me but the whole why-are-my-legs-knotted-and-where-the-heck's-my-tongue I was counting on never manifested.

 

On the other hand, neither did any butterflies. I had successfully talked myself into thinking this was a crush, against my better judgement, and I can't say I wasn't disappointed when it turned out I enjoyed the company a lot, but did not feel any inclination to make googly eyes and hold hands and smooch (for the record, while I'm very comfortable with the ace part of my orientation, the aro part's been giving me grief for years and years and, apparently, I'm still not quite over it).

 

I did, however, feel comfortable enough around him that we did end up cuddling on his couch which, he had told me after we'd had a long talk about my orientation back in December, is pretty much all he wants out of a relationship at this point, anyway.
Nevertheless, I was stunned that I wanted this! Frankly, it was more physical contact than I had had in the last 17 years (and far more enjoyable than what I'd had before that).

 

When I'd gotten back home, and he asked if we'd chat later that evening, I had a freak-out moment, thinking "Oh no! He wants to know what we are to each other. He needs a label. Have I committed to anything? Does us cuddling mean I'm responsible for his happiness now?!?" - turns out, no, he really just wanted to chat like we always do 😅

 

I may have stumbled into something good. I'm even (so far) managing not to feel responsible for whether or not this is really enough for him - he's a grown man, he can decide that for himself.

 

This... may work out just fine, after all!

[HonoraryJedi]

Hey, sounds like this went well, and I'm glad to hear it. Thank you for the update!

[PrimeJelly]

On 5/5/2021 at 12:36 PM, MCTlibrarian said:

 He wants to know what we are to each other. He needs a label. Have I committed to anything?

Well if you had to label it (from an outside perspective) it sounds like a QPR more than anything else lol but of course if you don't like this label then that's fine. No labels are needed if that's what you want.

[MCTlibrarian]

Okay, few new developments here:

 

We've decided to call what has developed between us a relationship. Not a QPR, just a relationship; I call him boyfriend and he calls me girlfriend (which is super weird in and of itself because I'm friggin' 37, I haven't felt like a "girl" in 20 years, but okay). However, boundaries are clearly defined (and not discussed with friends and family who, for all we care, are free to think that we're makin' out and whoohoo'ing all day like bunnies every time we see each other). He has confided in me that he'd really like to kiss me one day, but won't try anything unless and if I ever want him to.

 

I keep struggling with bouts of "what the hell, I can't do this" feelings, and surmising expectations on his part that he hasn't given me any reason to assume are even there. Also, I have pangs of guilt for not feeling more... elated? Into the whole thing?

 

I mean, I really, really like being around him, and I enjoy cuddling a heck of a lot more than I would have imagined possible, and I smile like a big old doofus every time he texts me (so, basically, every few hours). But no butterflies, and certainly no inclination to be physically intimate or move in together at any point in time.

 

I am, however, very calm in all this up and down between doubts and warmth/comfort, which is new and a pretty nice feeling.

 

I'm learning tons and tons about love in general and my version of it in particular. This is fascinating!

[coolshades]

Hi there!  I read your story and to me it seems like you may just have a very strong platonic relationship.  You enjoy having him as a close friend but want nothing more.  That is the kind of relationship I'd prefer to have with men.

[MCTlibrarian]

Hey everybody,

I thought it was time to update this, in case anybody soul-searching about their own place on the aro-ace spectrum has a use for it.

So: my boyfriend and I are still together and I'm actually experiencing romance for the first time in my life.

It's pretty weird because I seem to be doing this in reverse:
I started out being just okay with him being around; I enjoyed spending time with him, but it was very obvious that he was way more into the whole relationship thing than I was.
Fast-forward to half a year later and I'm grinning like a teenager, constantly sending him so-cute-you-could-barf gifs, buying his shower gel and sniffing his pillow after he's visited (geez, what the heck...) and getting butterflies whenever we're about to meet. It's beautiful - but also very unnerving! Sometimes I feel like I'm two different persons, one channeling a very annoying romcom leading lady and the other constantly tutting and rolling her eyes about her, occasionally batting her on the back of the head when she gets too silly.

On the slightly more negative side:
My family has taken this development as proof that I was just imagining being aro-ace all this time and they were right all along to keep laying into me that "the right one just hadn't come along yet". I find myself resenting that, even though I could just as well not give a hoot. It's like they're invalidating my whole life experience up to this point, like I'm only worth something now that I have a partner like all the other, "normal" members of the tribe.

I could tell them that a) I really have not experienced any sort of attraction ever for 38 years, neither had I wanted to, and neither has this kept me from enjoying my life; b) this relationship only works because we see each other once a month and I get plenty alone-time in between; c) we do not have any plans to move in with each other at any time, let alone get married, because we both enjoy having completely separate everyday-lives and d) we still don't (and most likely won't) do the whole sexuality thing in the "usual" way.
But honestly, why bother?

I doubt any of them have ever heard the term demi-anything.

They're not gonna see my point - they just can't relate.

 

(Content warning, possibly tmi incoming ;))

That being said, I do enjoy... let's call it, "taking care of him", a lot more than I would have thought possible. It's like a little challenge; when I get him to climax, I half-expect a little pop-up banner that says "achievement unlocked" and have an impish smile plastered across my face for the rest of the day.
Nothing he tries has interested my lady parts so far, but that was to be expected and it's the one thing I really do not give a hoot about - never have, probably never will.
Cuddling's my end game and I'm more than satisfied with that.
If I get to do that even longer because he's too exhausted to move, that's really a win-win situation!

 

In conclusion, I've learned two main things over the course of this crazy year:

 

1) I have led a valid and fulfilling life before this relationship and if it ever ends, I am 100% convinced I would be fine on my own again.

 

2) I can have a relationship that is satisfying for both parties even though "common" aspects of allo relationships are absent

 

This has been one heck of a journey so far!

 

Thank you for reading along and commenting, this is a wonderful community!

[MCTlibrarian]

Ooh, I left out my favorite anecdote.

 

After he'd confessed that he'd like to kiss me at some point but wouldn't unless I wanted him to, that kept coming up in the back of my mind all the time. Since kissing was the catalyst for my first and, up to then, only relationship to go sideways, I decided I needed to get it over with, so to speak, to see if this attempt at being a couple had any chance at all.

 

So, next time we met, I gathered up all my courage, puckered up and - missed.

Turns out, noses can get in the way sometimes...

I was just about to shame-spiral but we managed to laugh it off. He reassured me that there was absolutely no pressure and we didn't have to ever kiss for him to want me as a partner.

I think that might be the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me...

 

Nevertheless, it irked me, but I knew I wouldn't be able to muster the courage any time soon again, so I told him he had a blank check to try again when the mood seemed right to him.

Annnd then two months passed.

 

I figured he'd forgotten my express permission because, frankly, he is very much the forgetful type, and I'd almost made my peace with it.

We'd just had lunch and were settling on the couch for a movie and cuddles, when he asked me to look at him for a sec.

Naturally, I assumed I had sauce on my face or something to that effect, so I turned my head towards him and he - gave me a quick, very casual, soft peck on the lips.

 

Which, it turns out, was just about perfect. It wasn't a romantic moment, it was just us being us, and he didn't go in for a smooch. Which he hasn't since, either - and thank goodness, too, because I can't even stand to watch that in a movie and would probably have bolted (raunchy sex scenes, not a problem at all - go consenting adults, I'm rootin' for ya - but making out? EEEWWWWW...).

 

So, yeah, apparently, I'm a kisser now. Who knew?!

I mean, I still get confused as to what to do after (most of the time I just end up hugging him because eye contact at that moment makes me uneasy) but, you know. Baby steps.