What are people supposed to feel when kissing?

[cherhorowitz]

Hi guys

I’m asexual, and not sure whether I’m aro or demiromantic. I’m sex positive, even though I’ve never had sex and don’t intend to. 
I’ve kissed several people in my life (both men and women), but I feel aesthetically attracted to men. I do feel sexual desire (it rarely happens though, and it’s specially when I’m drunk).

Sometimes I feel the desire to kiss someone (80% people I already have a bond with), and when I kiss them the desire is fulfilled, but I don’t get any enjoyment from it. 

I know how people always say kissing feels good, and some people even get aroused by it, but I don’t feel anything at all!!! All I feel is the physical act. No matter if it’s just lips or if it involves tongue and touching other body parts. And it doesn’t matter how intense it gets or if I’m attracted to the person or not. I feel so frustrated and broken.
To the aces who enjoy kissing: Why do you like kissing? What is it supposed to feel like? And why can’t I feel anything?

[Libellule]

I think that with just like many other things in life, people's reasons for enjoying kissing and their feelings during it are highly subjective and there's no such thing as a 'prescriptive' feeling you need to feel during it. Lots of people also don't like it for all kinds of reasons and that's perfectly okay and just as valid.

 

For me personally it's being close to someone I feel attracted to in some way and have chemistry with. That being said, I've also kissed people before and not enjoyed it at all, and I remember feeling frustrated with myself because I thought I had to be into it just as much as the other person. I can't tell you why you can't feel anything, but know that you're definitely not alone with the way you're feeling.

[Acecream]

2 hours ago, Cluelesscm said:

 

Sometimes I feel the desire to kiss someone (80% people I already have a bond with), and when I kiss them the desire is fulfilled, but I don’t get any enjoyment from it. 

I know how people always say kissing feels good, and some people even get aroused by it, but I don’t feel anything at all!!! All I feel is the physical act.

Well, that’s similar to the way I feel kissing too. In fact, I enjoy it somehow (depends on whether the kiss is „good“ or „bad“, I had both) but only the physical act (which I like) and not in a way that I would feel any more or get aroused or something like this. Just the physical act.

 

I don’t think you are broken nor am I.

For me kissing is just an „normal activity“; I kiss the same way I read a book or draw something bc I have no ulterior motives as romantic love or sexual desire to do so.

[Janus the Fox]

Moved to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations

 

Janus DarkFox

Cover Welcome Lounge, Tea and Sympathy/(h)AVEN, Weekends Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

[everywhere and nowhere]

"Being supposed to feel something" is a very harmful idea. You feel what you do and if you don't feel something you are told that other people feel, just knowing about it won't make you feel it. Personal experience is highly individual and perhaps we should abandon the idea that we are "supposed to feel this or that" in particular situations. There are a lot of similar experiences, but no identical experiences and for me this infinite diversity is fascinating, not frightening.

[Raindrops]

Some people enjoy kissing, some don't, there's no set way you're supposed to feel about it. 🙂 I've romanticized kissing a lot, though I can also blame media for that (how first kisses are apparently supposed to be magical moments 😆) and when it came to myself finally experiencing it, I was very disappointed. It felt and tasted disgusting and I couldn't get any thrill out of it.
I remember searching online "why does kissing feel gross" and not being able to find any answers, which made me feel like there was something wrong with me. That was years before discovering this website of course. 😊

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Maybe they just aren't The Right One™, maybe you just don't get anything from kissing, no one can really tell you. Not everyone has to like the same thing, it's just something you'd need to make any partners aware of so they don't think you hate them or something for not being into it.

[Aimee03]

A question I’ve wondered about myself. Unfortunately, I’ve no idea. 
 

I’m asexual and most likely greyromantic.
 

I’ve kissed several different people, but I can’t recall feeling the magic “chemistry” that people speak of... I can’t remember feeling much of anything, really (it’s been a long time now). 
 

I’m not particularly fond of kissing; there are plenty of other activities I’d rather do. 

But overall I have no clue as to what most people presumably feel when kissing. 

 

[cherhorowitz]

14 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Maybe they just aren't The Right One™, maybe you just don't get anything from kissing, no one can really tell you. Not everyone has to like the same thing, it's just something you'd need to make any partners aware of so they don't think you hate them or something for not being into it.

The thing is it’s kinda hard to find a partner when I don’t feel like kissing or like having sex. And I’m not fond of holding hands and cuddling. It’s as if I wasn’t made for romance, even though my brain seems to want it 🙃

[cherhorowitz]

16 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

"Being supposed to feel something" is a very harmful idea. You feel what you do and if you don't feel something you are told that other people feel, just knowing about it won't make you feel it. Personal experience is highly individual and perhaps we should abandon the idea that we are "supposed to feel this or that" in particular situations. There are a lot of similar experiences, but no identical experiences and for me this infinite diversity is fascinating, not frightening.

Thank you for this reply. I guess I’m still so caught up in allo romance culture that I feel like all other experiences are invalid. 

[cherhorowitz]

15 hours ago, Raindrops said:

Some people enjoy kissing, some don't, there's no set way you're supposed to feel about it. 🙂 I've romanticized kissing a lot, though I can also blame media for that (how first kisses are apparently supposed to be magical moments 😆) and when it came to myself finally experiencing it, I was very disappointed. It felt and tasted disgusting and I couldn't get any thrill out of it.
I remember searching online "why does kissing feel gross" and not being able to find any answers, which made me feel like there was something wrong with me. That was years before discovering this website of course. 😊

Hahahahaha that’s pretty much my experience too. I didn’t have my first kiss till I was 19, and all my friends thought I was weird for that. I had 0 interest in doing it before, and even after kissing a few people I still couldn’t see what was the big deal about it. Took me a while to figure out I wasn’t weird, just asexual. 

[MCTlibrarian]

So, I've only ever kissed three people in 37 years.

 

First was at 13 and I haaated it. It was a boy I'd only known online until we met and we did not have any chemistry offline as it turned out, but he thought we should try it nonetheless and all I remember is that it felt wet and somewhat "spongy". I was absolutely repulsed by the experience.

 

At 21 I kissed my first boyfriend; it was, in fact, this kiss that started the relationship and I deeply regretted it because, for some reason I'm still trying to figure out, it instantly killed off any and every bit of affection I had for him. The following weeks during which I frantically hoped the wrongness I felt would subside and I'd get my butterflies back were one of the worst times I remember ever having. I had tons of butterflies leading up to the kiss but then it went exactly how cherhorowitz describes, I could only feel the physical sensation, which remained true for the kisses with him that followed this first one.

 

The third guy was my scene partner during a theatre production, so it was only stage kisses - and, oddly enough, that turned out to be the kissing experience I enjoyed the most! 😂

Maybe I'm just a method actor but it felt really nice and I got kinda lost in the spirit of the scene. I looked forward to that scene every night, even though my on-stage partner and I were just friends.

 

From that limited experience, I always guessed that a kiss might feel better the less emotional pressure it happens under. 

Which is kind of a bummer because I've been fantasizing about kissing a lot in my life (and have recently begun doing so again).