lifecoach Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 I am desperate for answers! I had believed my ex-boyfriend was gay, but now I'm wondering if he might be asexual. In the beginning of our relationship he told me that sex wasn't the most important thing to him. He has only had 3 or 4 partners at age 47. I was his first "girlfriend." He could usually get erections, but when it came time to "do it" he would 9 times out of 10 , lose it. He could never give me a reason why. He was not embarrassed and was perfectly comfortable with it. Sex became less and less frequent but he was always happy to snuggle. He said when we had sex it was enjoyable. He broke up with me, primarily over my need for sex and his inability to supply it. He said he thought if he fell in love with a woman that his sexual problems would be corrected. After the break-up I asked him so many questions, and ultimately he admitted that he was "straight" because he "chose to be." He said he likes both men and women, but that he has never had a boyfriend. Does it sound like a familiar story to anyone? Could he be a very confused asexual who believed he could "choose" to be a totally straight male? Can an asexual male achieve an erection even though he has no ability to feel sexually attracted? If so, how is this possible? He said once that sex was a "mystery" to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Platy79 Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 That sounds very familiar..... My husband had never had a girlfriend before me either, I am his first girlfriend, then wife.... we did have sex before marraige, but only few times, so him getting an erection was not an issue, we only had sex those few times because of his religion, he said he wanted to wait...although technically he didnt, but at the same time, I figured that was the reason he was never initiating it, which was fine. Until after we were married, he still never even tried, even the night we got married, he slept in another bed altogether, I knew from that day, something was wrong.... Link to post Share on other sites
The Oracle Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 I wouldn't say something is necessarily wrong, as I don't believe that asexuals have something wrong with them. But I acknowledge that there are those of us who do have certain physical/emotional problems that could result in lack of sex drive. Lifecoach, yes, it's extremely possible for an asexual to become aroused. I'm sure there's something in the Q&A section about this very thing. An erection is a bodily reaction to touch, feeling, or thought...etc. That does not in any way mean that he desires sex. I think you'll find that many people on this site can achieve sexual arousal but still desire no sexual intercourse. Asexual doesn't necessarily mean no sexual attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
Coleslaw Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Really, only he will be able to tell you if he is or isn't asexual, but it might be possible that he's never heard the term. Perhaps you should plug him a link to AVEN? In my humble opinion, it seems plausable that he is asexual. I'm far more attracted to girls than to guys, but I identify as straight because, while girls are prettier, I dislike relationships of any and all kinds with them. Perhaps that's similar to how he feels? Men can still have erections... I liked an anology I heard that said that our bodies were wired correctly, and we could be stimulated and respond to sexual situations with arousal, but that most just don't desire sex. Kinda like, there's a cup of coffee on the table. We could drink the coffee if we wanted to, but we don't like coffee, thus have no desire for it. Again, only he will know for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Peppermintdrop Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Asexual doesn't necessarily mean no sexual attraction. Did you mean to put arousal there? Because lack of sexual attraction is the very definition of asexual. Link to post Share on other sites
The Oracle Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Asexual doesn't necessarily mean no sexual attraction. Did you mean to put arousal there? Because lack of sexual attraction is the very definition of asexual. Yes, I did. Horrible. xD Thank you for helping me clarify. Link to post Share on other sites
Busrider Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Everything seems sayed, especially by Cole, I'm just typing the male confirmation. Can an asexual male achieve an erection even though he has no ability to feel sexually attracted? If so, how is this possible? Although I believe others being more asexual than me, I remember duty errections and so on. They were made from a mixture of current physical stuff and digged out apropriate thoughts topped with let's get through it, to have my peace. Link to post Share on other sites
lifecoach Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 Thank you for sharing your story. Yours is even more extreme than mine - it must have been very difficult for you. Were you able to eventually discuss it with him? Is he aware that is is asexual? My boyfriend was so confused about sex and sexuality. He was raised in farm country in Vermont (and has never lived anywhere else) where anything outside of the "norm" was never discussed, and "gayness" is weird at best. He is very neive about sex, but talks alot about how lusty he is, especially around other guys. Link to post Share on other sites
lifecoach Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 Thank you so much for your insight. I totally understand how from the asexual vantage point, that nothing is necessarily "wrong," because asexuality is as normal as any other type of sexuality. But to a sexual person who is occustomed to having relationships with other sexual people, it feels as if something is very wrong. It is unfortunate that asexual people end up in relationships with sexual people, who are obviously going to be in need of sexual intamacy. Similarly, gay people end up in relationships with straight people. Sometimes, it seems, it is due to confusion, such as in my boyfriends case. Sometimes it is due to denial or even dishonesty - with themselves or thier partners. Our society is so rigid when it comes to sexuality and what is "normal," that often times it forces any one who feels "abnormal" to go into denial and self-loathing. It makes me sad. I have some close gay friends who have piles of stories of people denying their sexuality due entirely to social pressures. So many people get hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
lifecoach Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 I really do appreciate your male insight. My feelings are for my own broken heart in my situation as I love him and miss him even still. But I am also deeply saddened for him - for his confusion, lack of understanding his own sexuality and for feeling like a total failure in his first attempt to be in a relationship. For his believing that he could make the choice to be a straight man. When I began asking questions and he answered them - not realizing what he was saying, he became irate with me. He has not spoken to me since. He is unable to accept his own truth - it is more comfortable for him to hate me than to settle with who he is. Getting over this relationship is the most difficult thing I have ever had to face. Link to post Share on other sites
lifecoach Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 I am so glad you said this - it hit the nail on the head of how I see him perceiving women. I am a straight woman who is attracted to men (usually with a slightly effeminate quality), but I am very aware of the sexual attracivness of women. I believe that he sees women in the same way, but having "chosen" to be a straight sexual male, he is hooked on the idea that he can take it a step further into a sexual realm. In our relationship he enjoyed the novelty for a short time, but then lost interest. Much like a woman who is "bi-curious." The rest of our relationship was perfectly wonderful. Unfortunately he most likely will never feel right about is true sexuality. When I "exposed" that he was not actually "straight" he became enraged with me and has not spoken to me since. He has hidden behind his facade all of his life and never, ever wanted anyone to see him differently. I told him I felt no judgement toward him and would always love him, but it only made him more angry. Link to post Share on other sites
lifecoach Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 Hey everyone! I'm new at this forum and all of my answers ended up at the bottom of the page! So sorry! I don't see a "reply" button on your posts.... Link to post Share on other sites
TheOtherDibbler Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Yeah, this board set-up puts all new replies down the bottom. To respond to someone directly you can click on the "quote" button in the top right corner of their post. Your reply will still end up down the bottom, but what the other person said will be included in your post, with their name on it and all. Like this: Hey everyone! I'm new at this forum and all of my answers ended up at the bottom of the page! So sorry! I don't see a "reply" button on your posts.... You can reply above or below the quote as you see fit. Alternatively you could just state in your post the name of the person you're replying to. Link to post Share on other sites
Chiaroscuro Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Thank you so much for your insight. I totally understand how from the asexual vantage point, that nothing is necessarily "wrong," because asexuality is as normal as any other type of sexuality. But to a sexual person who is occustomed to having relationships with other sexual people, it feels as if something is very wrong... Our society is so rigid when it comes to sexuality and what is "normal," that often times it forces any one who feels "abnormal" to go into denial and self-loathing. It makes me sad. ... This was a great, insightful post, Lifecoach. You're so right. Our notions about how couples are supposed to relate are so limited, and are shutting out so many people. Luckily, the internet's exploding a lot of that. And of course the civil rights movements around the world. But for now, there are a lot of confused, frustrated people who think there's something wrong with them: asexuals because society says, if you're not sexual with your partner there's something wrong with you; sexuals because society says, if your partner doesn't desire you there's something wrong with you. So many ways to "go wrong" it seems. -Chiaroscuro Link to post Share on other sites
P.V.P. Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 sexuals because society says, if your partner doesn't desire you there's something wrong with you. I would phrase this differently: if your partner doesn't desire sex with you then he or she doesn't desire you as a person and an intimate partner. And therefore there's something wrong with you. Equating those two things is the problem in itself, IMO. The sexual with an asexual partner is therefore left to assume that the A is being passive-aggressive, expressing an overall rejection of the partner as a person rather than simply rejecting sex as a natural method of showing love and appreciation for the partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Chiaroscuro Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 The way you phrased it, IMO, expresses the very problem in itself. I phrased it the way society sees it, PVP. I don't say it's the correct way to see it... it's the wrong way, as you expressed. Unfortunately, it's how we're conditioned to think about romantic relationships: if my partner rejects me sexually, she doesn't desire me, which means that we're about to break up. Homosexuals have the same issues: society says boys should desire girls, and boys shouldn't be sissies. When a boy doesn't feel attracted to girls, he thinks he's broken. When a boy plays with dolls, the other boys see him as broken. -Chiaroscuro Link to post Share on other sites
lifecoach Posted January 18, 2007 Author Share Posted January 18, 2007 Chiaroscuro - Yes I so agree with you here. When my boyfriend made all kinds of excuses as to why he didn't feel like having sex, or lost his erection, I felt undesirable, ugly and untouchable. I felt dirty and exposed. I found myself doing what ever I could possibly do to attract him - wearing black because he said it was sexy on me, and putting on the perfume he said he really liked and showing my cleavage, etc. But he would act as if he had never said he expressed these things, or that it was a one-time thing. I have never dated an asexual or a gay man, so I was set into a spin of confusion. If society were more expansive in it's understanding of sexuality, asexuals, sexuals and gays would recognize who they are and seek out like people as mates. They wouldn't attempt relationships with people who would expect them to be something they aren't, or aren't comfortable with. It is difficult enough to find Mr. or Ms. "Right" - it is so easy to end up with a broken heart or feeling "wrong" and angry when sexuality is the major draw-back in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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