Hypersexual guy dating long distance asexual girl

[DietCoke73]

I've been dating my girlfriend for approximately four years and I love her more than anything in the world. I genuinely want to spend the rest of my life with her. She's perfect in every way, she's funny, sweet, caring and kind, and so incredibly hard working. She is a form of asexual. She's not repulsed by sex or is uncomfortable doing things, she just doesn't feel anything so she is rather indifferent towards sex. I on the other hand believe I'm hypersexual. I have an insanely high sex drive that only gets slightly normal when on my antidepressants. When it comes to sex however it's been really positive lately. Last time we saw each other she told me that while she doesn't really mind what we do, she enjoys making me feel good and is down for pretty much anything. Which is like a guys dream really. However it's kinda clear while she enjoys making me happy, she doesn't enjoy what we're doing, so I get very nervous and anxious while doing anything. I always take things very slow with her, I always ask for consent with everything like asking "can I kiss you?" Or "can I take your top off?" (Because I don't want to make her uncomfortable and besides, consent is hot). And some days she doesn't want to do anything, which I understand and we cuddle and have a sweet time. While this is all really positive I'll be honest it is a struggle. We have a long distance relationship, she lives about a 5 hour train journey away from my university. And with covid we've barely seen each other at all. I do have my needs, masturbating doesn't really help because I'm just left lonely afterwards. In my dream relationship I'd probably be having sex or doing sexual acts multiple times a day, but right now it's about once every couple months. I really do love her, I've fallen hard. But this is something I'm struggling with. 

 

I made a few posts about it on other websites but most of the replies were just saying that I need to "fix" her or help her with the trauma she's faced. So I'm glad I've found this website, hopefully I can get some useful advice.

 

I'm thinking of asking to open up the relationship, only when we're long distance. I don't really attach sex to love, I can be sexually attracted to someone and not romantically attracted. I've had friends with benefits before and they actually worked really well. I just don't know how it would work. But whatever happens I know that she and I will be okay, we have great communication between each other and we love each other dearly. I'm not saying that everything will be perfect, that's ludicrous, but I trust her. 

 

Maybe once I'm back on my antidepressants my libido will be manageable, but right now I'm definitely struggling with the lack of sex I've been having, even before covid. I guess my question is apart from the things I've mentioned how should I approach intimacy with my girlfriend? Is there anything I can do to make her more comfortable, or happier? Do open relationships work with communication trust and genuine love for each other? I just really want to know how to be the best partner I can for my girlfriend, because I love her dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with her

 

Thank you!!

 

DietCoke

[verily-forsooth-egads]

Hi, DietCoke! So glad you're here. You sound like a really sweet person and your relationship is #goals.

 

There's often no easy solution in mixed relationships, but the fact that you're both willing and able to make compromises helps a lot. You'll never know if she's amenable to an open relationship unless you ask, with the understanding that the answer might be no, of course. (For me, a partner who can find sexual gratification with someone else would be a dream come true, but everyone's different.)

 

I hope you find the answers and support you're looking for. We usually offer cake to new aces, but have some on me. 

Spoiler

 

[Astrea]

It sounds like your issue is more the long distance thing than the asexual thing. The fact that people on other websites immediately treated asexuality and not hypersexuality  as pathological is typical 🙄 Yeah... don't listen to that, it's just pure uneducated stupidity.
It's unfortunate you two are at the opposite ends of the spectrum ^^'  You don't really sound like you need advice from other people, though : you clearly know exactly what your issue is and how you want to solve it. The only way to move forward is to talk to your girlfriend about it. I'd say most couples living apart during university years have the same kind of issues you do. Some work it out, a lot don't. But staying in limbo is not good anyway. You'll just end up frustrated to the point where the situation will not satisfy you at all or cheating on your girlfriend which will destroy your relationship at some point anyway. The fact that open relationships might or might not work for other people can't really help you gauge the chances of your own relationship working this way. That's a very personal thing and the only way you'll know if your couple can function as an open relationship on your side only is by trying it out and see where it goes. 

[Janus the Fox]

This is similar to my own relationship, since it’s been about 12 to 15 months away from each other due to Lockdown Restrictions being stricter between different counties in my same Country.  It is a struggle for my Sexual BF, while I don’t have any particular struggles and can go without contact indefinitely.  I consider the BFs libido normal, given their once or twice a week desire for sex.  We do have significant care needs that do also prevent us from living together normally.

 

Moved to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies

 

Janus DarkFox

Cover Welcome Lounge, Tea and Sympathy/(h)AVEN, Weekends Asexual Relationships, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

[DietCoke73]

Thank you so much everyone for your advice (and for the diet coke cake!) 

 

I think astrea you're probably right, it's just I need to talk to her and see what she thinks is best for our relationship. Maybe an open relationship while we are long distance? But you're right, I guess I'm generalising things when they're actually extremely different on a personal level. It's just a tad scary asking someone something like this I guess 😅

 

I think I should wait until after lockdown, I'm struggling a bit right now but once things open up again we'll probably be able to see each other much more frequently and spend more time together. 

 

Once again thank you for your kind and useful advice!! 🥰

[Acecream]

I‘m glad you came to this forum instead of listening to the people from the other forum, because there is nothing to „fix“😳

 

8 minutes ago, DietCoke73 said:

 

 

I think I should wait until after lockdown, I'm struggling a bit right now but once things open up again we'll probably be able to see each other much more frequently and spend more time together. 

I don’t know if you can say how long lockdown lasts where you live.

if you want to talk to her because of a probably „open“ relationship but you don’t want to rush, maybe you can just ask how you having sex with others just in case of a longer lasting lockdown would feel for her; so you‘d signal that you would love to wait and do it with her but that you could need a way to fulfil your needs in case that you have to wait for a longer time..

 

anyway, I wish you two good luck, you seem to be very respectful!

a lot more people should ask their partners if kissing or taking the shirt of is okay

[Guest]

Firstly, welcome and good on you for taking your girlfriend's needs and boundaries seriously! Not a lot of aces can say they have partners who understand their situation so well and don't push them to do more than they want to do.

 

The way I see it, opening the relationship may be the only way forward. If she disagrees with it, you have to ask yourself: would you be okay having sex a lot less than multiple times a day? Sure your girlfriend may not mind it, but even indifferent aces are rarely okay with having sex that often. If/when you move closer together, this is very likely to come up at some point or other. If she isn't okay with the frequency of sex you want, then what will you do? If you detach sex and love and she allows you to have a friend with benefits, that could potentially solve the problem once and for all. Otherwise? It's a big open question until that moving closer together happens.

[uhtred]

I think sexual *compatibility* is essential for a happy relationship. You and she both need to be honest with yourselves about what sort of sexual interactions you need to be happy. Then be honest with each other. 

 

Don't expect the other to change - sexuality is not very fluid, but decided if you can be happy together as you are. 

 

 

[anisotrophic]

I don’t want to post a ton, but there’s also lots of couples for whom ethical non-monogamy works well. That might be you, it might not — and that is also a form compatibility imho!

 

I’ve been messing around with dating apps, my husband has been supportive. He has sex with me but it’s just not something he’s getting much out of.

 

I’d recommend taking it slow. Don’t assume you won’t catch feelings, discuss that possibility.

 

I talk to him about it, and in therapy when it came up there were some useful things to think about — even when we’re on the same page about it. from that, a couple questions to consider were “who will know about it?” (friends? family?) and “what happens if she becomes uncomfortable?” (In my case, I want to know right away and reverse/pause if he’s uncomfortable.)

[Traveler40]

2 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

there’s also lots of couples for whom ethical non-monogamy works well. That might be you, it might not — and that is also a form compatibility

Agreed.

 

2 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

“what happens if she becomes uncomfortable?”

What does this mean? The new addition? One of the spouses or any of the above? 
 

 

2 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

“who will know about it?” (friends? family?) 

Yes, this has been a speed bump in our situation.
 

From experience, my advice to anyone considering opening is to have a clearly defined vision, communicate that to all parties often, exercise extreme patience while adhering to agreements and be flexible. Things morph constantly, so learning to juggle is critical.
 

Communication and clearly defined expectations is the foundation and where it all starts and ends.

[anisotrophic]

2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

What does this mean? The new addition? One of the spouses or any of the above? 
 

I meant the primary/pre-existing partner, trying to channel what my husband’s therapist recommended he ask me about.
 

That is, my husband was prompted to ask, “I’m really fine with this, I mean that, but ... what happens if I’m unexpectedly unhappy” ... I said I want to know and it’s ok and probably common to unexpectedly become unhappy and I’d want to pump the brakes or pause or take a step back to understand it with him and try to address it — keeping in mind the other person is a person too and deserves respect and empathy — albeit an entirely hypothetical person.

—

 

I guess I’ll add that, I worry about it impacting my existing strong attachments, to my husband & also a very good friend, and negatively impacting my existing values with vocation & home/family — which I all value highly. I’ve been bad with prioritizing myself ... so in my context, they end up being a source of support & encouragement for me.

 

Some people have avoidant partners (eg @Traveler40) and that’s a tougher road to navigate — my partner was avoidant on a very core non-sex aspect of our marriage & honestly I probably would’ve / should’ve drawn a line far earlier in the marriage over it. There’s reasons I didn’t (eg not wanting to endanger his residency via marriage as a foreigner; he’s a citizen now) but that’s another story. 😛 

[Guest]

 

 

On 4/3/2021 at 3:53 AM, DietCoke73 said:

 

Maybe once I'm back on my antidepressants my libido will be manageable, but right now I'm definitely struggling with the lack of sex I've been having, even before covid. I guess my question is apart from the things I've mentioned how should I approach intimacy with my girlfriend? Is there anything I can do to make her more comfortable, or happier? Do open relationships work with communication trust and genuine love for each other? I just really want to know how to be the best partner I can for my girlfriend, because I love her dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with her

 

Some things to consider -

 

Yes open relationships can work. If both people are on board. Openness (to the point you both agree on, some prefer don't ask don't tell) is important. 

 

However, for some, even broaching asking for one can be a deal breaker for them. I value monogamy, so my wife desiring that would signal an incompatibility to me that is too big to overcome. 

 

So... maybe feel out how she feels about non-monogamy before you ask about your own situation. That way you don't end up with extra issues to overcome if you decide non-monogamy isn't for you guys. 

 

If non-monogamy isn't an option then you need to discuss what you need and what she is comfortable doing and see if there is a middle ground. 

[DietCoke73]

Wow, thank you everyone for your responses! I never would've thought I'd get so many honestly haha

 

I think the most difficult thing is just asking about it honestly. We've actually managed to plan a meet up very soon as I'm going home for work for a few weeks (both tested neg for covid and ofc taking precautions) so I guess the conversation will happen soon. I'm still not sure how normal non-monogamous relationships work, so that's something I need to look into.

 

And I genuinely don't think I'd catch feelings, I've had friends with benefits before, I've had hookups before, I've never once caught feelings, and I am genuinely head over heels for this woman.

11 hours ago, Serran said:

If non-monogamy isn't an option then you need to discuss what you need and what she is comfortable doing and see if there is a middle ground. 

Definitely!! We've been talking openly about sex and what I like and what she wants but I don't think she actually knows just how sexual a person I am, I think she has an idea because we've joked about it before but we've never had a conversation about what I want/need

 

23 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

From experience, my advice to anyone considering opening is to have a clearly defined vision, communicate that to all parties often, exercise extreme patience while adhering to agreements and be flexible. Things morph constantly, so learning to juggle is critical.

I think this is a very helpful tidbit of advice, the main thing being communication. I really do believe that good communication is the key to a happy relationship. I need to be clear, open and honest with my girlfriend, and whoever else is involved. 

 

On 4/4/2021 at 10:27 AM, anisotrophic said:

He has sex with me but it’s just not something he’s getting much out of.

This!! This basically sums up our sex life. She enjoys making me happy but not the actual sex part, where for me I have the most fun when I'm doing the *pleasing* for lack of a better word. I'll definitely take all of this super slow, I value a happy relationship over an engaging sex life but at the same time I want to find some middle ground

 

23 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I guess I’ll add that, I worry about it impacting my existing strong attachments, to my husband & also a very good friend, and negatively impacting my existing values with vocation & home/family — which I all value highly

I think this is something that rings true with me, but at the same time I haven't had a negative experience with like friends with benefits, I guess I've just been lucky.

 

On 4/4/2021 at 6:00 AM, uhtred said:

I think sexual *compatibility* is essential for a happy relationship. You and she both need to be honest with yourselves about what sort of sexual interactions you need to be happy. Then be honest with each other. 

Extremely well said and very true. I think this will be the basis of our discussion about it, sexual compatibility and happiness. And I'll always be honest about everything to her, I trust her and love her dearly. I'm just worried she will think that she's not good enough or something along those lines.

On 4/3/2021 at 4:45 PM, `Silver said:

Firstly, welcome and good on you for taking your girlfriend's needs and boundaries seriously! Not a lot of aces can say they have partners who understand their situation so well and don't push them to do more than they want to do.

 

The way I see it, opening the relationship may be the only way forward. If she disagrees with it, you have to ask yourself: would you be okay having sex a lot less than multiple times a day? Sure your girlfriend may not mind it, but even indifferent aces are rarely okay with having sex that often. If/when you move closer together, this is very likely to come up at some point or other. If she isn't okay with the frequency of sex you want, then what will you do? If you detach sex and love and she allows you to have a friend with benefits, that could potentially solve the problem once and for all. Otherwise? It's a big open question until that moving closer together happens.

Thank you!! I think asexuality is extremely misunderstood, I went to an all boys school where guys would say they can "change" someone from being ace and lesbian, which is frankly disgusting. I hope one day in the future things will be different. 

 

Sex and love are two different things in my mind, I don't know why. Maybe I'm weird. But I think that mindset definitely would help in my situation. And yes it is a conversation I'm planning on having. Multiple times a day would probably be at the extreme end of my libido, I think a more realistic approach would be daily, but even then that's a lot for her, she'd probably end up seeing it as a chore to make me happy. Which I absolutely 100% do not want. So definitely a conversation is needed and I'm planning on having it soon!

 

On 4/3/2021 at 3:10 PM, Acecream said:

I‘m glad you came to this forum instead of listening to the people from the other forum, because there is nothing to „fix“😳

 

if you want to talk to her because of a probably „open“ relationship but you don’t want to rush, maybe you can just ask how you having sex with others just in case of a longer lasting lockdown would feel for her; so you‘d signal that you would love to wait and do it with her but that you could need a way to fulfil your needs in case that you have to wait for a longer time..

 

anyway, I wish you two good luck, you seem to be very respectful!

a lot more people should ask their partners if kissing or taking the shirt of is okay

True! Nothing to fix at all, it genuinely makes me sick when people say that. And regarding the last comment I totally agree, consent is sexy af, what's hotter than knowing your partner is into it?

That's a very good idea! I was thinking about just opening our relationship while we are so far away, and then when we move in together we'll evaluate our needs and go from there. Thank you so much Acecream, and also what a username that is!!

 

 

 

 

 

Phew that was a lot, sorry for the super long post but I wanted to give a proper reply to all your well thought out ideas. Again thank you everyone so much, this has been a weight on my shoulders for a while so to hear such supportive advice taking into account my girlfriend's needs as well as mine really has been a breath of fresh air.

 

I'll be honest I'm still terrified of asking her, but this conversation has given me a push towards it.

 

Thank you once again,

 

DietCoke

[Mountain House]

4 hours ago, DietCoke73 said:

I think the most difficult thing is just asking about it honestly ...  I really do believe that good communication is the key to a happy relationship.

You can be married for >30 years and come to the realization that you've operated via imperfect mind-readering and assumptions.

So, to get into the Jedi level communication realm you need to decide the type of relationship you are trying to design:

• Maybe we know each other maybe we don't but we are both "happish" in our "understanding" whether it's true/real or not.
• Partners that know the other chooses and loves the other honestly and authentically due clear honest communication.

It's tough to open up emotionally, especially if you've been together for a long time and you fear damaging your partner's ideas of their future.  One skill that will help is to develop the ability to hear information you don't want to hear with grace.

 

4 hours ago, DietCoke73 said:

and whoever else is involved.

You get two thumbs up for this comment.

 

4 hours ago, DietCoke73 said:

I'm just worried she will think that she's not good enough

Yep, could happen.  (Has in my case)  You cannot control how others feel.  She will have to tell you what she needs from you to to work through this.  It may be breaking up.

 

4 hours ago, DietCoke73 said:

I genuinely don't think I'd catch feelings

Don't count on this.  This is one of the most common newbie mistakes.  If you make a promise like this and your partner assumes this is the case you will blow up your relationship when it happens.

 

Also, don't assume she won't catch feels.  Open is open for everyone.  Are you ready for her to have a relationship with another?  Sexual even?

 

 

Okay, some advice:  Read about ENM.  Listen to podcast about ENM.  The more you integrate yourself with the people and culture the more normal it will feel for you and you'll be better prepared to decide if/how/whether it will work for you.  And that goes for the both of you.

 

The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory  (we found this in our local library as an ebook)

Multiamory podcast

Polyamory

Polyamory (reddit.com)

 

Good luck!

[TurnedTurtle]

I wish I had advice to offer about the opening up idea, but I don't, that door has closed for me.

 

But what I do want to suggest is that both you and your partner be intensely and introspectively honest and realistic with yourselves individually (first) and (then) with each other about the current situation and your respective expectations (or hopes) going forward.

 

It is very, very unlikely that things will ever change for the better (from your perspective as the sexual person in the partnership). Your partner is willing to engage with you sexually sometimes now, but will she still be willing a year from now, five years from now? If I am reading your posts correctly,  your joy in sex comes from giving your partner pleasure, but the fact is she really is not getting any pleasure out of the experience herself - she's engaging with you only because she knows you like it and she just wants to please you. At some point, I suspect that you might become frustrated that the sex you are having with her is not a mutually pleasing, mutually desired activity -- she's not a true partner in it -- and she, too, might come to see it as a chore. Every couple is different, but this is a possible reality that you both need to give serious consideration towards, at least if you are considering a potential long-term commitment.

 

Sorry to be something of a downer..... I do wish you luck in sorting out something  that works for the two of you.