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Lithromantic? How do you fill your time?


GeminiMaybe

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GeminiMaybe

So, I have no interest, at all, in finding a significant other, or a life partner or whatever. I’m ok with that. But how do you fill your time up? It’s always been me and my best friend, but she’s recently gotten into a relationship and now I’m just like, floating around. She doesn’t message me back anymore, so I’ve left it at that, as I don’t want to seem jealous or clingy. 
 

It’s the first sunny day in ages, and the covid restrictions have lifted so we can travel more than 5 miles. I found myself reaching out to a few people and everyone is busy with their SO. I guess I’m just asking, what do you do when you feel lonely? My dog has even chosen to spend the day with my parents. I just feel like I’ve no one to reach out to anymore, and it’s a bit scary. Like I’m just in the void now. I know it’s dramatic and of course people have lives outside of a needy friend, but I don’t have the attention span for hobbies and things like the cinema and that aren’t open so... What do you do when you find yourself in a self isolated slump? 

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Well I don’t know where you live and what your hobbies normally are, but as it’s sunny and you are allowed to travel a bit you can go for a hike or bike tour and than do a picnic or something like that?

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I dunno, find a DnD group to join? That's what I like to do anyways.

 

Tbh, you're the first person I've seen who actually has more free time than they know what to do with because of their aromanticism. I always thought that was just a misconception allo people had about aros and aces.

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Thujaplicata

I do want to find some sort of relationship, but right now I'm living alone far from friends and family so I hear you on the free-time and no people issue. For me, I read and go on walks and now chat on AVEN and such. When I started feeling REALLY lonely I went camping where there was no cell signal because for some reason being unable to contact people is different and it's easier for me when I'm out in nature. But honestly, I reach out to every friend I can. Ask for video calls and send endless messages and worry sometimes that I'm being annoying. I have a mental tally of days it's been since I called so and so, is it too soon to call again? 

It's not really something that can be forced, but I also often try to have mini-conversations with people at the grocery store, waiting in lines, at the checkout, anything really. Human interaction can be scarce these days. 

When I have more time than I know what to do with...I dabble in a lot of crafts and projects. I'm not a great artist nor cook, don't have the patience to finish sewing projects or embroidery or even paintings sometimes. But I find a google image I like and start something, and just come back to it whenever I'm in the mood. Decide that I'm going to make some more ornate or at least time-consuming meal today and freeze the extra. There's an embroidery project I started over a year ago at this point and it's still nowhere close to done but it's always an option. I really need to clean my room but don't want to...

I don't know, puzzles? Video games? Books? The rabbit hole of random you tube videos? Come chat with us here? Weird projects you can shove in a corner as soon as you're bored? I like the DnD group idea though I've never played. Research a random topic? Write a snail mail letter to surprise a relative or friend? Oh, one thing a student and I giggled over recently was drawing cartoon characters. She said she couldn't draw, I responded "Neither can I, let's DO this." I was an advocate of the "don't think don't hesitate" method, whereby you draw a random shape, consider for about 2 seconds, add something and thus create a bizarre and often mildly horrifying character. It was a great deal of fun. Kind of like seeing shapes in clouds, except then you add the lines to make that truly a face and suddenly you can see the person with a huge head, giant mushroom hat, and tiny little body, smiling away at you. Or the dude with a maybe-baseball hat and an attitude, strolling along with earbuds, giant head and lopsided proportions and all. My little sister draws monsters. Extra eyes, circular mouths, horns, tails...and if you mess that up? Well, it was meant to be!

Or you could see about heading out into the public? Walk through town or something? Sometimes you can chat with strangers for a couple minutes about nothing in particular. (Though that is always a gamble and most people really don't feel comfortable starting random conversations with strangers. I'm a bit of an exception there I think.) Maybe seeing humanity would be nice, maybe it'd just make you lonelier, depends on your mood I guess. (And yes, I am assuming all this is happening with masks all around.)

There are always movies at home, music, headphones and a walk, dancing with yourself like a loon, reading fanfiction can be such a time suck and amuses me - so many options! And yet sometimes absolutely none of them are appealing...

I hope some of this is at least slightly helpful!

Best of luck,

-Thuja

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Seconding going outside and taking walks, hikes, and any other outdoor activities you enjoy! Physical activity boosts serotonin levels, and while it won't cure depression or anything of the sort, it can help lift you out of the slump enough to make a difference.

 

As for saying you don't have the attention span for hobbies -- I'm sure you can find something that doesn't require a high level of focus. Things like games, puzzles, light reading, crafts, and cooking/baking don't need too much commitment or concentration. What are your general interests? What things excite you or have excited you in the past, and how can you introduce them into your life? Are there any skills you've wanted to learn that you didn't have time for in the past, or old hobbies you'd like to rekindle?

 

I'd also strongly recommend looking for online communities centered around things you enjoy, even solo activities! Having that sense of community, even if they're not physically close to you, can still be invaluable.

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GeminiMaybe

At the moment, I have to use some Annual Leave in work as we have been in lockdown since before Christmas, so I have no work right now. There’s been a really bad string of dog thefts in my area so I’ve been avoiding going on long walks alone at the moment, so me and Kylo have been going to secure dog fields. 
 

I do think it’s more depression than the Lithromantic thing at the moment, I’ve always struggled a bit, but so did my friend so we would just send each other stupid memes and vines, but she replies in 2-5 working days now lol. She has found someone who really makes her happy so I’m super happy for her too, it just sucks that I don’t have someone 24/7 now to make stupid conversations with ha. 
 

I usually read fanfic but nothing is gripping me at the minute, again I think it’s the depression. I’m being super tight with money so I can save up and move out too, so I’ve been just doodling and colouring in downloadable colouring pages. That’s about the extent of my attention span right now. 
 

It is probably a mixture of the lockdown and the changes happening with my friends getting into relationships and stuff that has me down. Only from last Monday have we been able to travel more than 5 miles. I feel a bit like a hobbit though, adventure bad, home good. Lol. 
 

I want what I can’t have it seems. I want someone there to watch films with and talk crap, but I don’t want a partner. I can’t work out my own head on a good day, ha! I’m trying to go for small frequent walks, though the sunshine lasted 2 days and now it says snow is coming! 
 

Thanks for the suggestions and replies though, this is my first time using a forum, and one as specific as the Ace spectrum, so it’s super cool to go through it and read everyone’s experiences and thoughts. 

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GeminiMaybe

It’s the first time in a while that I’ve really been alone with myself and I think certain truths have hit home. 
 

I was so excited to find a term that felt like it fit, I wear it with pride. But now that I have time to sit and think about it, it’s really scary. 
 

I find it weird to be around my friend and her SO. The kissing and stuff makes me uncomfortable. I also feel like I’m missing something, not in a longing way, just in an observation type way, if that makes sense?

 

I think my family are waiting for me to come out and say I’m gay or something. I’m scared I’ll like, break their hearts when I say I never want a relationship. I know they worry about me. 
 

I feel like I get treated with kid gloves at family events. I’m the oldest grandchild at 26. My cousin is 24, engaged and has a house. My brother is 23 and has been with his girlfriend for 5 years. The topics at these places are just relationship banter. I feel embarrassed, like I’m not in on the joke or something. 
 

I don’t long for a relationship, and when it was just me and my friend I felt like that was normal. No relationships. But she’s always wanted one, would be looking for one constantly, and I feel weirded out and stuff. 
 

I just feel like the part of my brain that is supposed to deal with romantic relationships is just not there. I don’t feel like I’m missing out, because I don’t want anything like that, I just feel like I’m on a lower level that everyone else or something. Does anyone get that? 

In my world relationships don’t exist. I’m comfortable there, then when I realise I’m not in an AU like that, I get anxiety. 
 

 

I get annoyed that people don’t take friendships as serious. I hate pretending I’m ok with getting blown off at the last minute for some stupid relationship drama. I get asked my advice and then when I give it I get the “what do you know, you’ve never been in love” bullshit. 
 

I feel embarrassed when I have a breakdown over a fight with a friend. They say why do I act like I’m in a break up. Is it normal to be that attached to your friends? 
 

There are so many questions I’ve never had answered or even asked, because everyone sees me as broken or unworthy of a relationship anyway. Idk if I’m starting to believe that. 
 

Sorry if this is not allowed, all the sad stuff like. I’m proud of who I am, just not how I react/how I am perceived by the world. 

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Hi, 

 

I am aromantic asexual, no interest in romantic relationships or sex. On weekdays I go to work for the most of the day, so that keeps me busy. I only have like 3-4 friends, and I am not seeing them right now, because of the covid restrictions and generally.. Waiting for my vaccination, so I do not want to be seeing more people than necessary.

 

When I have free time, I read a lot. Like, a lot. Not just books, a lot of fanfiction, too. Last year, when all the covid stuff began, I started to learn a new language (Spanish!) in the hopes of finding use for it once all the restrictions are lifted and I can travel to Spain. This motivation is important to me, it gives me something to look forward to, a goal of sorts. But until travelling is possible, I kind of float around, too. I go geocaching when the weather is nice. That way you get some fresh air and if you choose the geocaches wisely, you can go for a nice long walk in the nature without meeting a soul. 

 

I have anxiety, so avoiding the cinema, theatres, dining in restaurants and such does not bother me, really. What I miss the most is seeing my extended family. When all of us meet, there are 20 of us and I used to love our gatherings. For the past year, though, we have not had any. I try to connect with them as much as I can online, the same with my few friends. It is difficult, though. 

 

Hope you find some new hobbies or just ways to pass time. Best of luck! I think we just need to hang in there for a while and hope the covid situation will get better.

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InvisibleSquid
On 4/2/2021 at 8:07 PM, BrookeMaybe said:

Is it normal to be that attached to your friends? 

Honestly, I’d say that when you’re aro-spec, it’s entirely acceptable to be that attached to your friends. Those are the most important relationships to you, so it makes perfect sense. 

 

On 4/2/2021 at 7:29 PM, BrookeMaybe said:

I want what I can’t have it seems. I want someone there to watch films with and talk crap, but I don’t want a partner.

I totally get that. You want a closeness with someone, but not in the sense that you “belong” to each other. It’s not that you can’t have that, but more that it’s harder to find, because most people are focused on romance. (Can’t relate.) As someone who is going through separation currently, and only recently realizing that I’m aro-spec, it’s been jarring to find out that what I’ve wanted all along was not what I had been trying to have for most of my life. Amatonormativity has messed me up. It’s good that you know this about yourself already, so don’t beat yourself up over it. 
 

As far as keeping yourself busy, I don’t know what else you may be into, but I’m a gamer, so I’ve been trying to play more to keep my mind occupied. I also do a fair amount of reading and playing music (when inspired, which I struggle with these days). YouTube was mentioned, and that can be a great time-suck, if you don’t have the attention span to sit through a movie. Depression can certainly hinder your desire to do things that you normally enjoy (I’ve been struggling with that off and on recently), but I found that just making yourself try doing those things can help get you out of a funk. Even if it doesn’t work at first, it’s still an attempt at shifting gears in your mind to go somewhere positive. 
 

Chatting with others who feel the same as you, in places like this, is also immensely helpful. It’s certainly been making me feel better over the past few months. 😁 

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Poe-faced optimist

@BrookeMaybe everything you’re saying is so relatable! Especially this:

 

On 4/3/2021 at 1:07 AM, BrookeMaybe said:

I just feel like the part of my brain that is supposed to deal with romantic relationships is just not there. I don’t feel like I’m missing out, because I don’t want anything like that, I just feel like I’m on a lower level that everyone else or something. Does anyone get that? 

Yes! 
 

I think a huge part (which plays into what you said about awkward family gatherings as well) is that monogamous romantic relationships are seen as one of the key markers of success in society, which is why you get women punishing themselves if they hit 30 and haven’t met their ‘soulmate’, or men branded as ‘losers’ if they can’t get dates.  We are taught from childhood that romantic relationships are a definite, so I think for those of us who hit adulthood and realise they’re aro it can mess us up a bit. Like, if romantic relationships aren’t going to happen, wtf do we do with our lives? 
 

it’s something I’ve been working through recently, and I think the main thing is to find the stuff which makes you happy, and try to embrace being unconventional. It’s not easy, but better that than let yourself be defined by what you think society expects.

 

I’m still find myself naturally falling into the comparison thing - both my siblings and all my cousins are either married or in relationships, and then there’s me 😂 I was at a family gathering last year (pre-COVID) and my uncle out of the blue asked me if my aunt ‘would need to buy a new hat soon’ 😉😉😉 despite the fact I’m 25 and as far as they’re aware have never dated anyone. It’s a fun life 🙃

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InvisibleSquid
54 minutes ago, Poe-faced optimist said:

try to embrace being unconventional. It’s not easy, but better that than let yourself be defined by what you think society expects.

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  • 2 weeks later...
GeminiMaybe

Thank you all so much for reading my little breakdowns 😅. I’ve recently started at a dog groomers and I’m training to be one, and I still have my other job so at the moment I’m so busy I can’t really sit and think about the future and how my friend is blissfully unaware of the breakdowns I’ve had when she’s blown me off, or when I go to tell her that I groomed my first dog and she turns it into how worried she is about her GF who’s nervous about a job interview. I get she has stuff going on and I always ask but it’s never reciprocated. 
 

Fanfic is a huge part of why I was so confused, because I don’t want the relationship but I love reading about a couple that fall in love over and over in different universes. I thought I wanted it? That’s why I’m so glad I found the term lithromantic. Even though my friend thinks every term besides gay and straight is just “snowflake talk”. That kind of hurts.
 

My car broke down recently and the dude who worked where it had broken down wouldn’t leave me alone. Eventually he did help me push my car but then asked for my number and I panicked and said I’m gay because that’s so much easier than explaining everything else ha. He looked pissed after. But I told the story to my family because I kind of found it hilarious (I pointed at my doc martens and my piercings and short hair and was like ISNT IT OBVIOUS?) and they were gently approaching like maybe I should give him a chance. I took the plunge and said I don’t like boys and I don’t like girls, and I like the word queer because it just means different and strange in a good way to me? My mam shrugged and said (in our loving banter way I promise) she always knew I was strange lol. 
 

I felt weirdly light after it, and a little worried that they would treat me different. I’m over that now and glad that I sort of came out in a subtle way? 
 

Anyways, things are good at the moment. I’m sure I’ll have another existential crisis soon but yeah. 
 

It’s so nice to get the reassurance that people feel the same way. I honestly was considering asking for some tests and scans to see if my brain was missing certain areas because I just feel like there’s a huge part missing, but I am accepting that slowly. 
 

It’s super frustrating that even now we are still taught that “you’re nothing until somebody loves you”. I do love, just in a different way. 
 

Thank you guys again so much, I feel all warm inside 😂

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  • 1 month later...
Thujaplicata
On 4/2/2021 at 7:07 PM, GeminiMaybe said:

I also feel like I’m missing something, not in a longing way, just in an observation type way, if that makes sense?

 

I feel like I get treated with kid gloves at family events. I’m the oldest grandchild at 26. My cousin is 24, engaged and has a house. My brother is 23 and has been with his girlfriend for 5 years. The topics at these places are just relationship banter. I feel embarrassed, like I’m not in on the joke or something. 
 

I don’t long for a relationship, and when it was just me and my friend I felt like that was normal. No relationships. But she’s always wanted one, would be looking for one constantly, and I feel weirded out and stuff. 
 

I just feel like the part of my brain that is supposed to deal with romantic relationships is just not there. I don’t feel like I’m missing out, because I don’t want anything like that, I just feel like I’m on a lower level that everyone else or something. Does anyone get that? 

In my world relationships don’t exist. I’m comfortable there, then when I realise I’m not in an AU like that, I get anxiety. 

This is way later but somehow I ended up back here and had a few thoughts. First of all, yes! I feel the "missing something" so much! I'm demiromantic and recently in a romantic relationship, but I certainly wasn't looking for one. My understanding of romantic anything is rather shaky - we've been friends for 9 years and I think I've had a crush for around 4 or 5 years but it both wasn't something I'd figured out and honestly, if we'd continued as an oddly close friendship with no other labels I would've been fine with that. 

I'd never wanted a relationship. If it happened, okay, but I saw no reason to seek out a romantic partner. My little sister and younger, but close friend both told me about their longing to date, their unrequited crushes, the misery of waiting for a high school romance. I did my best to sympathize, but I could not relate. It was like you said -  I just didn't understand why it was so urgent. Still don't really. 

And as for missing something in an "observation type way" yes. All the time! Flirting that goes completely over my head, innuendos I miss, confusion with crushes, so much. My favorite thread on AVEN is "Incredibly Ace Moments" because it's full of things that are so relatable to me. Like when someone posted that prom is apparently a big sex time for people. I promise you, that had never occurred to me.

I think of it as something that's just not on our radar. It's a bit of a weird comparison, but I'm doing it. Years ago at a summer camp I realized that the other teens there didn't have the same awareness I did of potential food sources. I found some wild plum trees and immediately set about gathering as many as I could, they didn't realize that "hey, fresh wild plums may be delicious" for another three days. It boggles the mind. Or when another group had extra delicious food and offered to share since leftovers would be tossed. I jumped on that while the other kids automatically responded with "no thank you" and only asked to try a bite when I was finishing it off. 

For them, it just wasn't on their radar. And I figure romantic and sexual things are a bit like that to me, except more dramatically so. I have little interest and little to no experience, so why would it even occur to me? 

Or for another example, my dad knows a lot about cars. So when we're driving he notices all the cars around us, what they are, points out the cool ones, etc. I couldn't care less and barely notice beyond the colors and general size. It's just not an interest of mine, so I'm not paying attention.

It's nothing bad, nothing broken, it's just different. 

 

But it does mean that there are a lot of awkward moments. Friends who checked in to make sure I was okay when I got wide-eyed when the conversation turned to sex things at a sleepover in high school (my hesitant "what does that even mean?" and my friend's careful, brief and objective explanation...), the time I accidentally agreed to a date maybe and then never went because I was busy and was then confused by his irritated text... Really, really awkward moment in middle school I'm trying to excise from my memory... Uncomfortable moments when college housemates were casually talking about their...experiences. Those took me a moment to process, try to figure out what they were talking about, and then go "ooooh, nope. I'm done here."

 

As for friends, I think friendships are incredibly important! I've always had few friends, but close ones. I rely on them a lot. For emotional support and fun and such. I don't really want to be around a lot of people at once, but I seek out a friend to pass the time whenever possible and will gladly spend countless hours in casual company or hours of phone calls, etc.

Oh, I wanted to tell you: a friend of mine (not a close one, she can only handle my chatter in small doses) that I think is allo and straight, anyway. She told me at one point about a "friendship breakup" and how devastated she'd been. So hey! It's not just the romantically disinclined who value friends enough to fall apart over losing them!

 

I have gone on for probably far too long...I'll wrap it up.

You are not alone in how you feel! And there's nothing wrong with us. (Well, I'm pretty sure just about everyone on the planet could use a little therapy, but hey, it makes us human I guess.) I'm glad you're here on AVEN, I always love finding similarities and connections with people, particularly when it's something that's usually a barrier. Reading through posts here has been so validating. Because I've always mostly laughed at my daft moments, but now I know that I'm not alone in my obliviousness and somehow that changes everything.

 

I hope you're doing well!

-Thuja

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