SleeplessInCanada Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 Hello! I’ve met a man, who is my dream guy and I’m so in love with him. I suspect there may be some asexual tendencies and I’m looking for advice on how to be respectful and not make him feel pressured to be sexual if he’s uncomfortable or not enjoying it. I would also like to get some advice on how to better communicate with him, when he may not be aware that he doesn’t have to be the stereotypical sexual macho man that he feels is expected of him. I am a 33/f and my boyfriend is a 38/m. We have been together for about 6 months now. I believe I am his first ever sexual experience, and first ever relationship. We met through his sister, and I ended up on a family vacation where we hit it off really fast. I knew, through his sister, that he was very shy and he would never make the first move. So, I had a little bit to drink and him and I stayed up late chatting and I ended up sneaking into his room to cuddle. He was terrified, and shook the whole night. I kept asking him if it was okay, because I wanted to make sure it was consensual. He told me it was the best night of his life. For the rest of the vacation we spent the nights together but he never made any sexual advances. I thought maybe he didn’t like me? Maybe he was gay? Maybe he had a small penis or ED and was embarrassed? All of these things I was willing to accept because I genuinely liked him so much as a person. I was so scared I was pushing this on him too hard, but he kept reassuring me he was more than okay with it. I was also self conscious that I wasn’t able to read whether he was attracted to me or not.... On the last day of the vacation he ended up using a viagra and we had sex for hours. So I figured his lack of erections and assertiveness was just due to being painfully shy and nervous. Fast forward a few months, and I feel like I’ve been spending every moment trying to ‘teach’ him what I like, and ask him what he likes.... I’m really okay with the fact that he was a virgin and I like that he doesn’t come with a ton of baggage. He’s just a genuinely sweet guy and a total catch! Again, I was chalking his lack of experience up to the fact that he’s SOOOO shy around women, a super hard worker, with very high morals/standards, and comes from a very conservative family (not religious, but very ‘proper’). I think it’s endearing...... But several months in..... He still never initiates any type of sex or touching, he never compliments me, my body, my personality etc..... He absolutely clams up when I try to ask him about things he may be interested in, won’t tell me that he watches porn, won’t talk about what type of porn interests him. He has told me he masterbates a couple times a week. When we are getting intimate, sometimes I catch him staring blankly, wide eyed, off into the room...... And he’s completely silent. He just doesn’t seem present. I’ve told him these things make me self conscious, and I’d like him to communicate with me how he’s feeling or what he wants as we go.... But whenever we are in bed, or making out, he constantly has an erection. Sometimes we can have sex multiple times without it going away. I haven’t seen anyone on these forums talk about erections?? Do asexual men get them when they are with their partners? I just don’t want to feel like I’m forcing this onto him! We have so much fun and he says I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and he can’t believe what he was missing all these years.... But my interpretation of his bedroom actions makes me feel otherwise? This may also be due to the fact that all my previous heterosexual relationships have put a LOT of their value and worth on the sex side of things. Could it be that he’s just been raised in a sex-negative environment? If so, I’d love to learn how to communicate with him that it’s totally normal and healthy. Or maybe he sounds a lot like some of your experiences and I could possibly try talking to him about asexuality? I would even consider going to a therapist to help me be more a supportive and communicative partner. I think that’s it for now! Link to post Share on other sites
rebis Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 Hello! Well, this sounds like a difficult situation. If I understand you, the primary issue would be that you are not enjoying the sexual relationship as much as you would hope? Seems like you are saying you would like more communication, when it comes to sex? I guess I would ask, are you unhappy solely because the lack of communication makes you uncertain about if he is enjoying your sex life? Or, to put it another way, if you were absolutely certain that he is completely content and enjoying himself, would you then likewise be content? I mean, it is possible that he could be asexual; I guess I should really leave it to asexual folk who are in relationships with sexual partners to say definitively on the subject, but personally, I don't think that possibility would likely be a great positive, for your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
KayleeK Posted April 7, 2021 Share Posted April 7, 2021 I'm not sure why you think he is asexual since he seems to be into having sex with you? On 3/31/2021 at 7:00 AM, SleeplessInCanada said: he never compliments me, my body, my personality etc. I wonder if he just has some communication issues - just very shy, or maybe something like autism/aspergers? We're all different but sometimes we expect people to act the same. Eg, expecting him to compliment your body. Maybe he just doesnt think to do this or know this is something you want. On 3/31/2021 at 7:00 AM, SleeplessInCanada said: We have so much fun and he says I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and he can’t believe what he was missing all these years.. We have so much fun and he says I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and he can’t believe what he was missing all these years.. Link to post Share on other sites
Paul_280981 Posted May 12, 2021 Share Posted May 12, 2021 I can comment on the erection part. No, I have never been able to maintain an erection during sex because I mentally "check out" after about a minute. I like it to trying to get sexually excited while doing vacuuming. I tried Viagra. Just gave me a headache lol. Tried Hoeny Goat Weed. That works..... I have a medium libido so all that did was make me have to relieve the pressure more often, but did nothing to make me want sexual intercourse. I don't have ED, but thought I had for years. I'd love to be able to keep.an erection though. Link to post Share on other sites
sirenian Posted May 13, 2021 Share Posted May 13, 2021 hmmm... Well, first of all, I'm so happy for you that you are in a relationship with someone who makes you so happy!! As for whether your partner is ace or not, of course it's impossible for anyone but him to know for sure, but I have maybe a funny question. It sounds like most of the questions you have been asking him about have to do with what he likes, what feels good to him, etc. Have you tried going at it from the other side? That is, lots of ace people (apparently, I'm not one of them) have sex with their partners, for lots of reasons, as part of having strong relationships with their partners. And that is totally consensual sex, so it's fine. So if I were you and I really wanted to know whether he was somewhere on the ace spectrum, I would consider asking a different kind of question, which is something maybe like, "if I didn't initiate, would you still want to have sex?" or "would you like our relationship more if we had sex less often?" That is, instead of asking him questions about what he likes about sex, you could ask him questions about how he feels about not having sex. If that seems too threatening, you could start with something like offering options, like a would you rather: "which would you rather do this evening? would you rather go for a walk or would you rather make out and have sex?" (But, obviously, substitute "go for a walk" with some activity that you and he enjoy doing together. If he chooses sex, well, there's your answer. If he chooses the other thing, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't like sex, but it might open up the conversation for you to ask some of the bigger questions. BUT if you go that route, you have to be prepared to hear his answer, so make sure you really want to know either way. (And, I think it could easily go either way. He might have a classic ace answer, but he also might say his version of, "oh, no! I really do want sex to be a regular part of our relationship!" No way to know without asking. Just make sure you want to know.) And, either way, remember that he gets to make his own decisions, so even if he is ace, he's still allowed to want to have sex with you for his own reasons. It's great that you want to be extra extra sure that you are not pressuring him into anything. Also, it sounds like you are asking him regularly and he is consenting, and so that is his choice. As rebis suggested, if the relationship isn't fulfilling for you in the way you want, then that is a different question that the two of you will have to work on. But if your concern is mostly for him, it sounds like you are asking the questions you need to ask to give him the opportunities to opt out. Oh. I just realized this thread is really old. Who knows if you're even following it any more. But, since I've taken the time to write the message, I may as well post it. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
cheonbsonMi Posted June 10, 2021 Share Posted June 10, 2021 And how everything turned out? I'm very curious! In my opinion he doesn't compliment your body because he is thinking about it (probably) but doesn't see the need to tell you about this. Trust me, I had such relationships. When I asked "am I pretty?" my partner always used to stare at me like "what? why are you asking? yes, you are". And I just couldn't belive him and it made me so insecure, but after talking to him about it everything changed, I explained that I need to hear sometimes these words without asking for them. P.S. And what about viagra... we used it several times and it helped us just to have a very long sex (no other than that). 🙂 Link to post Share on other sites
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