Asexual or only sexual aroused by BDSM?

[Molly1]

Hi, I hope you don’t mind me asking this but I’m just so confused. I am a heterosexual female  in a relationship with a man who is unsure whether he is asexual or not. We have been together for six years. I have always known his lack of interest in sex but he has an addiction to looking up Pretty women on BDSM porn and chat sites. He insists he gets no sexual pleasure from this at all but just finds it fascinating and even entertaining. He enjoys giving them tasks to do, like “walk down your street without underwear” etc. To extreme SM instructions. Surely there are sexual urges here?   I may also add that he has no interest in engaging these activities with me.

[verily-forsooth-egads]

All you can do is take his word for it. Even if he did get arousal from this, that wouldn't make him not asexual.

[Undecided2]

He might enjoy feeling that power when others do as he asks? Might not be sexual. And he might feel more power if the asks are more extreme.

[anisotrophic]

Sexuality is more complicated than orientation labels...

 

I’ve tried porn and it certainly “works” for sexual arousal more effectively now that I have testosterone. But using it reinforces it, and I want my sexuality to be with people... with “reality”.

 

Which is to say, doing a certain thing that triggers high arousal is only going to reinforce that as a source of arousal. One can decide “this source of arousal isn’t what I want in the future, so I want to stop reinforcing it” but it’s really up to the person to decide that.

As for whether he’s aroused by it — he’s got to be honest with you and himself — I’d also be skeptical & would encourage him to talk to a therapist to understand himself and explain what’s going on with this & his sexuality.

 

Therapy is not to “fix” him. There’s nothing “wrong” with being asexual, or kinks, but there’s a responsibility to understand oneself, to be honest with a partner about it, and have empathy in both directions to each person’s experience of sexuality.

[Guest]

BDSM isn't always sexual. It could be that he is aroused by the fantasy but has no interest in actually doing such things in reality (this is still consistent with asexuality. Asexuals can have a libido and enjoy sexual fantasies.), or it could just be an entirely non-sexual thrill to him. Regardless, if you don't trust him to tell you the truth about this, I have to wonder why you are in a relationship with him.

[anisotrophic]

Sexual arousal is part of sexuality. To say one is sexually aroused by something but that this thing is “not sexual” would seem ... evasive. The complication is that one doesn’t want to do X, Y, or Z with that arousal — or that thinking about doing X, Y, or Z is a “turn off” that ends arousal.

 

Describing one’s sexuality as an asexual orientation is fine, but it’s on a partner to understand and explain exactly what that means for them. There’s many ways to be ace (or gay, or bi, or straight).

[Traveler40]

6 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

there’s a responsibility to understand oneself, to be honest with a partner about it, and have empathy in both directions to each person’s experience of sexuality.

I really love that you hit this home these days. It’s  the element that is missing with my husband and will never change. Frankly, it was almost as frustrating as the lack of sex was early on. I’ve put it to rest, but that included distancing.

 

Some have zero desire to know themselves as if to face the reality may destroy them. I wish I could gift the potential peace of insight.

 

Anyhow, while I agree with you, it’s not always possible. Acceptance of one’s partner in all ways is the win. I find it’s easier with age and defined priorities. Besides perspective, general happiness with one’s self allows for relaxation of unattainable expectations. Adding back affection, laughter and sex did wonders in refocusing my mindset.

[anisotrophic]

1 minute ago, Traveler40 said:

Anyhow, while I agree with you, it’s not always possible.

Yeah, it’s been rough coming to terms with my spouse’s avoidance in things that weren’t sex.

 

I guess I learned a lot about needing to stand up for myself & deal with “this is hurting me” in the face of avoidance, and promises to do better that were just more avoidance.

[Traveler40]

50 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

I guess I learned a lot about needing to stand up for myself & deal with “this is hurting me” in the face of avoidance, and promises to do better that were just more avoidance.

Understood. I’m sorry you had that going on. It has sounded highly stressful and familiar: Different topics, same cycle.

 

Separately, this is why I got so frustrated a few years ago if you recall. Whether the avoidant acknowledges or not is irrelevant to the reality of the one dealing with the fallout. It exists.

[Ceebs]

7 hours ago, theV0ID said:

BDSM isn't always sexual.

Mm yeah, this is very true. I'll admit that personally I don't understand it being non-sexual... I'm into some stuff in that realm myself, but if anything it's very sexual. With that said, in the course of my, er, exploration, I've learnt that there are a lot of elements of BDSM that can tie into other things. Other aspects of your... psyche, if you will. But for me that's still dependent on it being stuff that's played out during sex. I have trouble conceiving of it as entirely non-sexual, but then I can't claim to understand in a personal way what goes on in the minds of asexuals, so.

 

Regardless, I understand how that has to be frustrating. A partner who was interested in something that -- to me -- was quite sexual, but only with other people, would be upsetting. I'd be sceptical about there being nothing sexual about it, but at the end of the day all I could do was take them at their word.

 

I guess the bigger question here is are you ok with things always being that way? If not, it's time to start actively looking into compromises and perhaps assess whether this is a relationship worth staying in.

[anisotrophic]

4 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

this is why I got so frustrated a few years ago if you recall

I do! I can only express “I understand this better” having turned to face a topic where my husband was profoundly avoidant.

 

Hopefully potentially asexual partners aren’t, but sexuality is tied up into identity issues. I was probably lucky (in various ways) that my husband was already not invested in considering himself “straight”. (Of course that may have been part of why I liked him in the first place... turning out trans and all...)

[Guest]

13 hours ago, Molly1 said:

Hi, I hope you don’t mind me asking this but I’m just so confused. I am a heterosexual female  in a relationship with a man who is unsure whether he is asexual or not. We have been together for six years. I have always known his lack of interest in sex but he has an addiction to looking up Pretty women on BDSM porn and chat sites. He insists he gets no sexual pleasure from this at all but just finds it fascinating and even entertaining. He enjoys giving them tasks to do, like “walk down your street without underwear” etc. To extreme SM instructions. Surely there are sexual urges here?   I may also add that he has no interest in engaging these activities with me.

Whether it's asexual, sexual fetishes, or what doesn't honestly matter here. 

 

Say he enjoys power and humiliation play for the kick of the power over another. Say he doesn't use it to masturbate to. Would you still be happy with no sex and no interest in even this fetish being possible between you? Would you be happy if he always seeks out other people for his urges, even if it is just power urges, never you? 

 

I mean honestly if my partner was seeking out other women for a pretty sexual (to me) fantasy chat and probably also viewing their nudes while chatting with them... I would kinda consider that a deal breaker alone. Throw in the interest never being for me ? Couldn't deal. 

 

Some are OK with this form of semi-monogamy though and if it works for you then ... you can only take him at his word. Do you trust him or not? 

[nanogretchen4]

To me, watching pre-recorded porn is not cheating, but interacting with the performers as your partner does seems nonmonogamous to me. Even if technically your partner is not sexually aroused by these interactions, it is still a very intimate and intense connection to other women that he isn't even willing to have with you. It seems like way too much of his emotional energy is being directed outside of the relationship. I think you could be happier with someone who is more present in the relationship. And next time around your partner will most likely have a compatible sexual orientation as well.

[Guest]

30 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

To me, watching pre-recorded porn is not cheating, but interacting with the performers as your partner does seems nonmonogamous to me.

I mean from what the post says, BDSM chat sites / porn sites ... they probably aren't even "performers" really. But, women seeking a sexual connection with people. Anyone can go on these sites and post photos, stories, chat, etc. Many real intense friendships and even romantic and sexual relationships form in these chat rooms (I know some people who dated for years after meeting and RPing on these sites in the chat rooms). 

 

Which, I guess if it's been going on for 6 years the OP is OK with this dynamic. But, I don't foresee anything changing and regardless of if their partner gets sexual thrills out of it or not (they may, or may not, it's up to OP if they trust him) ... I bet the girls are as subs. So, is pleasing other women sexually but not you acceptable for life is kind of the question, I guess. 

[anisotrophic]

If not sexual, it certainly seems like an odd hobby to have.

[Guest]

22 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

If not sexual, it certainly seems like an odd hobby to have.

I mean, even among sexuals, BDSM can be decidedly not sexual. Power play gives a rush of adrenaline by having complete control over someone, making them humiliate themselves, etc. It is kind of like you can role play all the dark desires people harbor deep down with consent and with the other person not being harmed, but enjoying it. Like... I got berated by my boss today, I day dreamed of being her boss and ordering her to feel as small as I did as she yelled at me in front of everyone... I can go vent that at a sub in a safe and consensual power play session. Or, I am a control freak in every day life and I can't let go... so I like to surrender myself to someone's complete authority just to get out of my own head once in a while. 

 

It doesn't have to be sexual. It can legit be a mental health like thing. A way to let your outer public persona just fade away for a night, so you can maintain it year round and not burn out. 

 

Walking outside with no undies is humiliation and power. It can be sexual as well, but it is kind of like pantsing someone can be just about making them feel ashamed kinda. 

 

But... if you stare at porn and also BDSM RP it is hard to see it as non-sexual... power play has no need for nudes or sexual acts in photo/ video form...

 

And even if the one person isn't getting sexual thrills, if it is a thing you do with lots of different people... it is unlikely all of them are also not getting sexual thrills from it. So it's kind of like the dom may not and just enjoy the power, but the sub is getting off to it. Or vice versa. It is rare to find lots of non-sexual play buddies. 

[Molly1]

16 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

Sexuality is more complicated than orientation labels...

 

I’ve tried porn and it certainly “works” for sexual arousal more effectively now that I have testosterone. But using it reinforces it, and I want my sexuality to be with people... with “reality”.

 

Which is to say, doing a certain thing that triggers high arousal is only going to reinforce that as a source of arousal. One can decide “this source of arousal isn’t what I want in the future, so I want to stop reinforcing it” but it’s really up to the person to decide that.

As for whether he’s aroused by it — he’s got to be honest with you and himself — I’d also be skeptical & would encourage him to talk to a therapist to understand himself and explain what’s going on with this & his sexuality.

 

Therapy is not to “fix” him. There’s nothing “wrong” with being asexual, or kinks, but there’s a responsibility to understand oneself, to be honest with a partner about it, and have empathy in both directions to each person’s experience of sexuality.

Yes, I have wondered if it could also be a cycle of reinforcing. He has been to a therapist and it was suggested that Control and power were possible reasons for engaging with BDSM sites and chats. He is not a confident man and avoid the slightest form of confrontation in real life. He says he was shy when he was young and never took any interest in women (never chased them). I think he started interacting online with these sites When he was in his late teens. I have no problem with him being Asexual,  Im just not convinced what he is doing is without sexual gratification. I feel he may be using Asexuality  to hide behind. 

[Guest]

5 hours ago, Molly1 said:

Yes, I have wondered if it could also be a cycle of reinforcing. He has been to a therapist and it was suggested that Control and power were possible reasons for engaging with BDSM sites and chats. He is not a confident man and avoid the slightest form of confrontation in real life. He says he was shy when he was young and never took any interest in women (never chased them). I think he started interacting online with these sites When he was in his late teens. I have no problem with him being Asexual,  Im just not convinced what he is doing is without sexual gratification. I feel he may be using Asexuality  to hide behind. 

So, sounds like you don't trust him to tell you the truth. Which, then, what is bothering you? That you feel he's not being honest ? That he's getting sexual gratification from others? That he won't seek sexual gratification with you as well? 

 

Figure out what you need from him and approach the discussion that way would be my suggestion. 

 

I was with someone who was addicted to similar sites. When they stopped using them, desire for IRL sexual interactions increased. Some people can honestly replace all sexual personal connection with virtual. There is a self-report study from U.S doctors that say a growing rate of men ages 16-25 are beginning to report ED issues related to hardcore digital habits rewriting their desires and making it impossible to have sex with women IRL, as they can't keep it up without digital porn involved every time as real life stuff will never be as stimulating. There is a category of therapist now with training in how to break the dependence on digital media and reestablish a RL connection. So it can happen. But sometimes the RL desire will never exist no matter what, also. 

[anisotrophic]

1 hour ago, Serran said:

sounds like you don't trust him to tell you the truth.

I think that’s an important core to this.

 

As long as you feel distrust, if/when it’s a core issue for you, it’s destabilizing to your marriage.

 

(And I think it’s entirely reasonable for this to be a core issue. I’m just recognizing that people vary.)

[Ksenia]

I identify as ace,  but I am a sub, I sometimes want to be bound, gagged and abused, but I don't like to be penetrated, and I don't want to have  other forms of sex with a partner, but if  a potential partner is ok with such game I would like to play with him. So asexual identity is compatible with some interet in BDSM, IMHO.

 

Quote

I feel he may be using Asexuality  to hide behind

There is also such possibility. Also there is a possibility that he can be ashamed about having  interest in bdsm, so he  could be inhibited in real life. Would you like to play with him? If you are ok with it then couple sex therapy can help you guys to arrange the optimal sexual activity for you both safely, also your sexual and emotional needs should be considered. 

[GingerRose]

On 3/25/2021 at 2:56 AM, Molly1 said:

Surely there are sexual urges here

My commentary isn't connected to your specific example exactly, but I will say bondage turns me on but not because I want anything sexual to occur. It's just a nice arousal. Like a kink/fetish isn't always sexual it can just bring pleasure or dopamine to an individual.