Dl206 Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 *Originally started this forum elsewhere on the site, but moved here as it seemed like a much better fit. Hi all! New to the forum, but really appreciating what I've been reading so far. Mainly just reaching out to see if anyone has had some similar experiences to myself and my wife. The companionship of shared experiences would be really appreciated. We got married 5 years ago. Both of us came from a VERY religious background so I was her first relationship ever and I only had a few minimally sexual relationships before her. We didn't even have sex until after our wedding. In the last few years we left that conservative worldview and feel like we missed the opportunity to explore ourselves and our interests before commiting to marriage. That being said, we often would be on very different pages about sex. At first I had just assumed that since I was her first partner she was learning about her own body and she was coming out of this sexually conservative household so she just needed time to become more interested in sex. Over the last year this idea of asexuality kept popping up, and we kept shoving it down because it was a painful topic to discuss for us at the time. This week our therapist suggested she look into it more. We're in a much healthier space and we're able to look into it together while still holding one another in much love. In short, she seemed to really connect to the term "Gray sexual". She tells me that she enjoys having sex with me. She's not sex averse, but she never initiates it. She never really wants it, but if I or her "push the right buttons" she will find stimulation and pleasure from it, including orgasms most times. But she has also has told me she could go without sex the rest of her life and not really care. She never really initiates sex and usually seems to only have sex with me because it's something I want and because it's a way for us to feel close to one another. Obviously there are a big mix of emotions. I love her so much. She's MADLY in love with me. But we express that love so differently. She has only initiated sex with me a handful of times during our entire marriage. Usually after a glass or two of wine. We love each other, but obviously sex is a weird thing when I feel like she never really wants it. It has also been a strange journey just trying to sort out wether this is a typical relationship (since this is our first sexual relationship) or wether or not this is just a consequence of her conservative upbringing. I think we both came to a place of understanding that this is actually part of her identity and not something that will change over time. Most of the Asexual people I've read from online are not actively in relationships, or if they are they knew about their asexuality before marriage. Anyone else have similar experiences? Any advice? Any suggestions for podcasts/books/etc to engage with that may help us? I don't feel like we want to get a divorce over this one difference, but its obviously something that will take some time and energy to work thru. Thanks all for your time. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 1 hour ago, Dl206 said: She tells me that she enjoys having sex with me. She's not sex averse, but she never initiates it. She never really wants it, but if I or her "push the right buttons" she will find stimulation and pleasure from it, including orgasms most times. But she has also has told me she could go without sex the rest of her life and not really care. She never really initiates sex and usually seems to only have sex with me because it's something I want and because it's a way for us to feel close to one another. Sounds like my husband... In Dan Savage’s recent column he wrote: “turning a cheater into a faithful partner is easier than turning a non-initiator into an initiator”. That’s a perspective I think a lot of people need... that there’s a fundamental thing here about sexuality, and hoping to change it is like hoping someone’s orientation will change. In my experience, thinking of one’s spouse as “not wanting sex” can really screw someone up as an initiator. It might be more helpful to see asexuality as a statement about “sexuality” as a fundamental experience that people can experience in profoundly different ways — including an absence of experience. Something that might help is something our joint therapist suggested to my husband, to pay attention to what he enjoys about sex when he’s having it, and communicate that. Because I, as an initiator that loves my partner, want to be doing things that make him happy. I tend to think of my husband as being as extreme of “responsive desire” these days (more common in women — you might want to read Nagoski’s book if you haven’t already), and I think it works better with me on testosterone (I’m trans). I think it hurt more to feel “undesired” as a woman... as a “guy” I’m more inclined to want to “do a good job” with sex. Please, for pity’s sake, give me a thumbs up and tell me it was good! Of course, I’d really like to have someone I could flirt with, that looked forward to sex, that made sex “fun” for me. But I don’t think my husband should feel pressured or obligated to feel things he doesn’t. So maybe I should try dating — he’s been supportive of that (“well I guess we’re already queer now” he recently reflected 😂), but logistically and emotionally it seems like too much work. Kids, work, etc. And while I’m still sad that there’s “something missing”, sex doesn’t feel like I’m “unloved” anymore (especially as I’ve been given permission to find another partner) & I do value having the connection with him. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Dl206 Posted March 22, 2021 Author Share Posted March 22, 2021 8 hours ago, anisotrophic said: “turning a cheater into a faithful partner is easier than turning a non-initiator into an initiator”. I really like that quote. That was a weird thing going into our relationship that I really didn't expect. I wanted my wife to initiate sex, but i soon found out that that just wasn't her style. And when I tried to explain to her what I wanted it just seemed to go over her head, or she just felt it was silly. We've found some middle ground now, but sex still isn't something that she initiates. Or if she does it's "I guess I could have sex tonight if you wanted." Not always a great turn on, but I've come to learn that's actually her trying really hard. I also remember in the beginning of our relationship she also didn't really communicate what she enjoyed about having sex. I wanted to make sure she was enjoying it too! I usually just end up asking her multiple times during sex if she is enjoying it. I'm glad to hear that you guys came to a good compromise and I like your statements about him not feeling pressured or obligated to feel things he doesn't. It makes sense and I agree, but it's still hard to accept right now. I'm sure it will get easier. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mountain House Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 12 hours ago, Dl206 said: Anyone else have similar experiences? Pretty much exactly. 12 hours ago, Dl206 said: She tells me that she enjoys having sex with me. She's not sex averse, but she never initiates it. She never really wants it, but if I or her "push the right buttons" she will find stimulation and pleasure from it, including orgasms most times. But she has also has told me she could go without sex the rest of her life and not really care. She never really initiates sex and usually seems to only have sex with me because it's something I want and because it's a way for us to feel close to one another. Yep. To a tee. Seriously, I was trying to convey just how much and this paragraph says it so I copied it whole. I showed it to my wife and she smiled when I mentioned that she was not at all unique. 12 hours ago, Dl206 said: Any suggestions for podcasts/books/etc to engage with that may help us? Book first, then advice. Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski 12 hours ago, Dl206 said: Any advice? For us: Stop focusing on initiating. I have a hard time now because it feels like pressuring her. She doesn't. Instead, we found that romance can lead to sexy time so we plan a romantic date that fits with her libido. It took a while to dial that in. We spent a couple months with the basic rules that I couldn't say no and if she even had an inkling she has to do it. For us, that's 1-2 weeks. Yeah, it was rough because she doesn't really ever have an inkling, but you get the gist. Look for a context. The book will help. My wife is not spontaneous at all so spontaneous desire is a no go. She has to plan for there to be no brakes. If I do initiate, which she does want me to do, it needs to be with enough advance notice that she can prepare and I need to time it so that there aren't any known brakes or she is to say no. She doesn't experience sex as I do. It was easy for me to understand where she was coming from but took a while for her to understand how sex is wired into my emotional health. Coming to this understanding opened communications immensely. Seek other ways to refresh your couples bond. We had a period where we each had a day pegged each week to "make love" to each other, which didn't have to be sexual. It was strange and weird and totally brain-stormy and most things were a bust, maybe even out of the gate, but we did find a non-sexual sensation-play activity that we both really enjoy. Related to the last bullet, touch. Hugs, cuddles, and kissing all help me to fill the gap between. We used to not do this so much because she was afraid that it had to lead to sex and I interpreted as a form of torment. Now it is assumed that these activities do not lead to sexy time and if it starts feeling uncomfortable to me I let her know we need to stop. She gets to say no whenever. Date night included. There is no guarantee that sex will happen ever again and I completely accept it. She cannot say yes and then deliver duty/pity sex. She has to want to be having sex for her own reasons. This won't work for everybody. Some people are aromatic. Some can't stand touch. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
El- Posted May 11, 2022 Share Posted May 11, 2022 @Dl206 and @Mountain House, do you have any new insights on this, a bit over a year later? My partner identifies as graysexual, and we are relating to this: On 3/22/2021 at 3:00 PM, Dl206 said: She tells me that she enjoys having sex with me. She's not sex averse, but she never initiates it. She never really wants it, but if I or her "push the right buttons" she will find stimulation and pleasure from it, including orgasms most times. But she has also has told me she could go without sex the rest of her life and not really care. She never really initiates sex and usually seems to only have sex with me because it's something I want and because it's a way for us to feel close to one another. We both are starting to understand what her graysexuality means for us going into the future (as well as all it meant for our past). I'm commenting here because I wanted to hear from couples of sexuals/graysexuals. I'd really appreciate any tips or help. Thank you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mountain House Posted May 11, 2022 Share Posted May 11, 2022 4 minutes ago, El- said: do you have any new insights on this, a bit over a year later? Pretty much my last post still stands. Let's see, she does initiate every so often and has told me that she thinks she would miss us having sex. Recently sex happened and afterwards she was a little taken aback because she had not planned on it. But yeah, a year later and it's pretty much the same. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
El- Posted May 11, 2022 Share Posted May 11, 2022 2 minutes ago, Mountain House said: Pretty much my last post still stands. Let's see, she does initiate every so often and has told me that she thinks she would miss us having sex. Recently sex happened and afterwards she was a little taken aback because she had not planned on it. But yeah, a year later and it's pretty much the same. So have you found a way of creating a fulfilling sexual relationship together? Also, do you have any thoughts of opening the relationship? I am asking for curiosity, as a possible demisexual and at least a romantic-monogamist. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mountain House Posted May 11, 2022 Share Posted May 11, 2022 2 minutes ago, El- said: So have you found a way of creating a fulfilling sexual relationship together? Fulfilling relationship? Our relationship is pretty great and we pretty much are in tune with our authentic selves these days. She is much happier that I don't pressure her for sex at all. Does this mean we won't get divorced? Not at all, we still have an incompatibility. Fulfilling sexual relationship? As it relates to our relationship, yeah. For her, yeah. For me, not really, a work in progress. 10 minutes ago, El- said: do you have any thoughts of opening the relationship? We opened our relationship a year ago. Currently I do not have any other partners and, although we are not closed, I have backed off dating for a bit so that we can reassess. About a month ago another partner and I ended our relationship and afterwards my wife expressed some insecurities she was feeling. (She didn't say anything during) I am committed to the idea that our relationship should be solid (if it can be) before adding other partners so we are working on that. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
El- Posted June 2, 2022 Share Posted June 2, 2022 On 5/12/2022 at 12:26 AM, Mountain House said: Fulfilling relationship? Our relationship is pretty great and we pretty much are in tune with our authentic selves these days. She is much happier that I don't pressure her for sex at all. Does this mean we won't get divorced? Not at all, we still have an incompatibility. Fulfilling sexual relationship? As it relates to our relationship, yeah. For her, yeah. For me, not really, a work in progress. We opened our relationship a year ago. Currently I do not have any other partners and, although we are not closed, I have backed off dating for a bit so that we can reassess. About a month ago another partner and I ended our relationship and afterwards my wife expressed some insecurities she was feeling. (She didn't say anything during) I am committed to the idea that our relationship should be solid (if it can be) before adding other partners so we are working on that. If possible, do you have any tips or helpful information (or link to some) you could share regarding opening the relationship / entering polyamory, and how did it affect the current relationship? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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