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what is sexual attraction? I can't make sense of it. It seems so unfathomable to me if it is what I think it is.


a_humans_person

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a_humans_person

can someone please give me a solid answer as to what sexual attraction is? I have been questioning whether or not I am asexual for a bit now and for the life of me, I cannot figure out what sexual attraction is supposed to be? Like, yes, I know what it is and what people say it is, but it just seems so far fetched to me? Like, what, you just see someone on the street and think 'wow, they're really hot. I want to have sex with them right now. Even though I know nothing about them at all, I just find them so pleasing that I need to have sex with them right now'? Maybe I'm exaggerating this a bit, but it just. confuses me? Please tell me your best understanding of what sexual attraction is because I am trying so very hard to make sense of it.

Also, when does one start to experience it? because I am fairly young-ish and have never been in any sort of relationship, and I know that doesn't mean I can't know that I'm asexual, but I'm just wondering if things haven't, I guess, clicked, yet.

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Milque Toast

Hi! I'm also someone who has never experienced sexual attraction, however I've heard it being described in several ways. I'll give you one that made quite a bit of sense for me.

This analogy not only describes sexual attraction, but also libido.

 

So, imagine you're hungry for food. Let's say this is like your sexual libido. But, when you're hungry, you still have preferences for what you'd like to eat, i.e. sweet, sour, etc. In real life, this goes for different gender preferences, etc.

 

However, sometimes, you may see some really good-looking food in a restaurant, or maybe in a shop window, and suddenly you're really hungry to eat it. This can be compared to sexual attraction.

 

And there are also times when you are hungry, but not in the mood to eat anything; which is like libido, but not actually wishing for sexual activity (at least, with another person).

 

I understand this is a little far-fetched to compare with food, as it is something literally every human needs, (unlike sex) but I hope this helps somewhat!

Sexual attraction can be triggered without the person's desire or conscious decision, like when you are/aren't hungry.

 

If anyone would like to tweak my analogy to make it more understandable, that would be appreciated.

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Grey-Ace Ventura

For the majority of people who experience sexual attraction, it's generally not directed at random people. It's usually under much more appropriate circumstances. Personally, I couldn't fathom wanting to bang any random hot guy I see on the street. Sexual attraction is usually an extension of romantic attraction first, like wanting to be as close as possible to the person. When I fell in love with my former best friend, it started as romantic attraction, and the sexual attraction came later on, and the way I remember it was that I wanted to have sex with him because I wanted to be closer than we already were. It also had nothing to do with his appearance being pleasing or whatever, I was attracted to him because I was attracted to him as a person so his appearance barely mattered to me.

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The desire to engage in sexual activity with someone, given the right circumstances (you're both consenting, available, into it, etc.). Can be based on anything about the person, not just looks. 

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3 hours ago, Padparadscha said:

If anyone would like to tweak my analogy to make it more understandable, that would be appreciated.

Yeah, I'm gonna try that. Cause I really don't like sexual attraction being compared with being hungry or want to have food as it, at least for me, is a completely different thing with not any connection in feeling.(To say: I'm not currently experiencing sexual attraction or I'm not able to really capture it)
 

At first I'd define it as some sort of connection between arousal and other things like e.g. asethetical/sensual/mental/whateever attraction. Based on that their might occure additional things/desires.(Like maybe neurotransmitter release)

To describe arousal (for amab, I'm not sure how afab experience it) it's compareable to a itch/ The feeling you have when ther's an itch and you don't scratch. But stronger, in your lower stomache, deeper inside and you cannot scratch to reduce it.

(It's some unspecific neural activity in your lower stomache, maybe warming, a little and causing tension, prickling, a little bit pain perhabs)

 

Sexual attraction then would mean, that this itch makes some other attractions more present/likely and/or is caused by other attractions.
 

 

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On 3/22/2021 at 2:42 AM, CBC said:

The desire to engage in sexual activity with someone, given the right circumstances (you're both consenting, available, into it, etc.). Can be based on anything about the person, not just looks. 

This. 

 

Looking at someone on the street and wanting to bang them isn't an experience I have. Some do, some do not. Lacking that one specific looks based attraction doesn't mean lacking sexual attraction.  

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I think there are a very wide range of forms of "sexual attraction", and I think even a single person may experience a range of varieties of sexual attraction.

 

As an example for me, I experience several types. 

 

There are women that I find physically / sexually attractive and in the right situation would be happy to have sex with them. For me this is not a particularly strong drive, or very common but it can happen.

 

There are women I know and like in a non-physical way, and that can lead to a sort of romantic attraction which can lead to a sort of sexual attraction. That can be a much stronger feeling than above, (though I don't act on it in any way when not appropriate).

 

Then there is the attraction I feel for my wife.  That just is sort of a natural feeling always present attraction.  Words are not very good here, but its a much broader, deeper, but not as locally  intense feeling as I have for others.

 

The attraction can take the form of picturing hot sex,  or it can take the from of wanting a romantic relationship that has sex as a part of it. 

 

 

Basically its all complicated.  I think allosxual / asexual is a convenient set of terms, but reality is far more nuanced.

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...
DemonicEnby

You could rather compare it with alcohol if going with ingestible things at all. Food in itself is needed to fuel yourself, so really analogies of food are kind of lacking except you want to use the bare nutritious minimum compared to expensive luxury stuff (like proteins from some cheap beef compared to premium a5 wagyu).

 

But alcohol on the other hand is not really needed at all. Some like to drink some from time to time to relax, others indulge heavily while there are some that don't drink any. Some savour the taste of old whisky, others like the strong juniper aroma of gin. You can try and notice some tasting good - see preference for beer, wine or whatever - others being horrible and some more like "I could drink that, but ultimately I don't get why people like it". To others it might feel like having being forced to try poison and killing themselves (at least mentally) so you might go with methyl alcohol there. And other try it and regret doing it afterwards, compare with a hangover.

 

And then there are some that never tried, never felt the need to try and watch their friends behave like silly things over stuff that doesen't make sense whatsoever. Or doing stuff they wouldn't think of doing otherwise while lacking any kind of logical or valid explanation. Or a feel of why in general as to oneself it is just unnecessary at all. Don't need it, don't want it, don't get why it should be wanted in the first place.

 

On 3/30/2021 at 6:30 PM, uhtred said:

Basically its all complicated.  I think allosxual / asexual is a convenient set of terms, but reality is far more nuanced.

I agree with that sentiment completely. 

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From my point of view sexual attraction feels like a "tickle in the back of your brain", usually accompanied with thoughts of intimacy, sometimes fantasies of sexual actions, and my "equipment" might get ready for the possible future actions. These thoughts don't necessarily involve the person who has activated this response in me.

On 3/22/2021 at 3:47 AM, a_humans_person said:

'wow, they're really hot. I want to have sex with them right now.

What you described is sexual desire. when it comes to me, it turns my "equipment" on, and I have fantasies with the particular female who activated this feeling in me.

 

These feeling vary per person , and this was only how I experience sexual attraction and desire. 

I hope it helped 

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