InProgress Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 Hey, all. I am back after being away from this forum for about 3 years. I had to go back and find an old post of mine to even remember my user name. When I was here last, I had concerns that my husband of (now) 24 years is asexual and we did find out he has very low testosterone. At that time, we were working on things and things were going well. Sadly, we are at a point now where we are like roommates and sex is at the lowest point it's ever been. I realized early during the quarantine that I was the sole person keeping our intimacy alive and I kinda lost my desire for awhile, so there has been nothing. What brought me back here is that I recently approached my husband for sex and he was receptive, but while kissing him I felt like he was struggling to breathe, so I asked him if he was ok. I have felt him feel that way before, which I would describe as hesitancy, and so he told me that he feels claustrophobic when we're kissing. This just feels like disappointment on top of disappointment and I came back just to be able to talk to other people in a situation like this. In the 3 or so years since I first came to this site looking for information and maybe a little sliver of hope in dealing with a marriage when one person has a sex drive and the other has virtually none, my husband and I opted to not do hormone therapy for him because it seemed like the benefits wouldn't be worth the hassle (hormone therapy is a lifetime commitment). He was going to try some lifestyle changes and maybe supplements to increase his T. What's actually happened is nothing. Not a single GD thing. I'm thinking of leaving. I know I need more than he is capable of giving me. I keep trying to be content and I'm just not. We'll be married 25 years later this year and I hate that we just can't get *this* part of our relationship right. But it's a BIG dang part. For me anyway. I love him and I hate the thought of giving up on our family. I am weighing my options because I really don't want to divorce *but* I need to feel desired and I really need to feel *not recoiled from* during a kiss. I don't want another 3 or 5 or 10 years to go by and still feel this unsatisfied in my relationship. 😔 Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 You have to ask yourself if you can be happy if things stay the way they are. Its something only you can know. If the answer is no, I think you should leave. About 10 years ago I almost left my 25 year marriage with my near-asexual wife. I decided to stay. I still wonder if I made the right choice. I love her yet I feel this deep resentment for the part of my live that I've missed. But if I had left, how would I be feeling now? I think more often people who leave are happier for it, but its difficult to know . Feel free to PM. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 I guess my main reaction to this, as someone who acquires >90% of their testosterone via self administered weekly injection, was... “really? not worth the hassle?” (There are lots of ways of getting testosterone, e.g. gel or testosterone pellets.) I’m afraid I don’t have much sympathy for it. I also have experienced all the “hassles” of birth control which cis men don’t have to deal with, and a lifetime of regular gynecological exams — I’m reminded of men refusing colonoscopy, because they weren’t already routinely having someone medically examine their sensitive, private internal anatomy. ... I mean, why NOT try it? One can always stop if one decides it’s really not worth the hassle. Oh well. I’m not him. that’s just my reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
InProgress Posted March 24, 2021 Author Share Posted March 24, 2021 I'm going to talk to him again about taking some kind of action on the testosterone. His libido has always been low and he dislikes talking about it at all. His aversion to talking about his sexuality and libido make it difficult also to talk about whether asexuality is also an issue. Ultimately, his lack of desire and his unwillingness to address it, whether it's asexuality, low T, or some combination of the two, has had the net result of me trying to keep the spark alive alone. I had a major career change in the last couple of years, and then Covid hit, and I just haven't had the energy myself to hold up our whole relationship anymore. Without his effort, it's like I said in my opening post, we are like roommates. We both pretty much do our own things when we're both home in the evenings. I thought quarantine might be a good time to rekindle things - with all the time together - but it's actually been the opposite for us. Our youngest child is only 6. I can't stand the thought of not being with them every day, which is the main thing keeping me from going anywhere. I am relieved to be back on this forum where other people understand this painful and confusing experience of being in a marriage/partnership with such a tough incompatibility to try to navigate. I've been with my husband since I was 15. I've given nearly 30 years to him. I appreciate our children and all he has given to me, and I have never been free of the feeling that a more satisfying, less lonely relationship may be out there for me... I keep wishing it could just be with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted March 24, 2021 Share Posted March 24, 2021 10 hours ago, InProgress said: I keep wishing it could just be with him. Yep, understood. Even now, on the backs of years here on AVEN and no glasses of any color over my eyes, I still think this momentarily at times. Wouldn’t it be lovely?The simplicity...? Alas, it ain’t so. You seem to have the full 360. So from here on out, it’s time, acceptance and working towards whatever vision you have. Welcome back. Link to post Share on other sites
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