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Advice please šŸ˜Š


DanielleS

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Hi there,

I am hoping to get some clarity please.Ā 
my husband and I have been together for 13 years.Ā 
when we first began dating we had a lot of sex although sometimes he would have difficulties with impotency. He had been abused by a man when he was in his early 20s.Ā 
when we had been together for about 18 months (married at 14 months) we fell pregnant with our first child. Since that time (10.5 years) our sex life had been very sporadic to say the least, sometimes going months in between and when it did happen we would have problems that often led to fights.Ā 
I was sick for a couple of years and had no interest when the babies were tiny so it seemed to suit him and he certainly didnā€™t try to have sex with me. It has always been me as initiator.Ā 
I know that the abuse has an impact but he doesnā€™t even look at me when I am in sexy underwear and he gets uncomfortable if I try to do anything to initiate.
he adores me, he can be quite affectionate and I can see that because I have told him I need sex that he is trying.Ā 
but I donā€™t want to be with someone who feels like they have to force themselves to have sex with me - he says he finds me sexy but he doesnā€™t show it - I got a very sexy tattoo done of flowers on my hip - itā€™s subtle sexy and his response was ā€œthatā€™s niceā€Ā 

am I with someone who is asexual? If so, how do I even begin that conversation? I donā€™t think he would like to consider himself that way because his brothers are very alpha male and heā€™s always been the ā€œsensitiveā€ one

i adore this man, he is my best friend in the world, he is an amazing husband and father. But for me sex is really important for connection.Ā 
what are your thoughts please?

thank you so much in advance.Ā 

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Janus the Fox

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Janus DarkFox

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Hello,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.Ā 
It's impossible to tell you if your husband is asexual or not, it's really something only the person themselves can tell (and even then, it's not always easy). What I can tell is : asexuality, impotency, being sensitive, theĀ subjective appreciation of a tattoo and abuse are all completely differentĀ things.Ā You can be a manlyĀ male with a tattoo fetish and still be asexualĀ šŸ˜‰
Your husband might be an asexual sensitive abuse survivor with a chronic impotency problem who doesn't care for tattoos very much. He might also not be asexual at all. It's really something you have to discuss with him, but if the abuse situation is an unresolved issue to the point where you think it might still have a strong bearing on hisĀ life, it might do him some good to see a therapist about it. It won'tĀ make him allo if he's not, but it might help him cope with the trauma better. The impotency might also be worth looking into if it's frequent and looks like it might be caused by a physical problem - I believe having trouble with this can make some people insecure and just kill the desire to try altogether.
Anyway, I don't think there is any way around having a frank open-hearted conversation about the situation. I wish you luck!

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