Can you relate? I think my husband is ace

[Dl206]

On 3/20/2021 at 7:37 AM, Lawsie said:

Years ago he had said he would feel insulted if I ever needed to masturbate/use a vibrator.

Lawsie, this sounds very familiar to my experiences with my wife. She's just recently come to terms with the fact that she's probably asexual. I think she just didn't understand my sexual urges. So things like masturbation totally confused her. Why would I want to do something like that? She felt like if I wanted to masturbate she would be insulted. Sorry you're experiencing this. It's a difficult thing to communicate about, especially if your partner is only just finding out about it after you've been in a long-term relationship with them. For us, it's taken prolly 2-3 major conversations over a year or two long period before we were both able to talk about it without getting upset for one reason or another.

[uhtred]

As other have said - getting a vibrator is 100% up to you.   I can see someone being unhappy if their partner masturbates wile regularly rejecting them for sex - but that is not the case here, he is rejecting you.

 

He can't help his asexuality, but can you be happy living the rest of your life like this?  Please don't stay for children - I was raised by parents who had a relationship with no intimacy - and it did far more damage to me than a divorce would have done.

 

 

[Lawsie]

Thanks for all the replies. I spoke to my husband again. He took it seriously again. He said he will look into asexuality. He asked me how often I would like to have sex but I found it hard to tell him because I know him well- I know he wants a number and then he'll slot it in to his calendar like just another task. I don't feel comfortable with that. It's not just about sex, it's about intimacy and feeling desired. Feeling desired turns me on- seeing him being turned on turns me on, y'know? If it was just about sex I could do that for myself. I broached the topic of opening things up and he said the thought of that hurts his feelings. Even when I think of it- if he agreed to open our sexuality- I am not sure I have the energy or inclination to be with someone else. I would not be interested in casual sex as there is an element of emotional security needed for me to enjoy it with someone. 

 

I also wanted to clarify that I could easily buy the vibrator for myself- but I wanted it to be something we did together as a way to try and establish some kind of intimacy. He no longer agrees with his previous thought that my masturbating would be insulting to him. He can't even remember saying it! I just don't think he understands what it is for me because it does nothing for him. I asked him what he does with his drive if he doesn't get sex from me in that monthly zone where he gets a little bit aroused and he said it just wanes. He doesn't see the point in masturbation. I can understand because in a way I am enabling him by providing a vagina whenever his testosterone has built up. 

 

I think he enjoys watching me enjoying sex- does that fit with an asexual profile? When we were looking at vibrators together he said he felt turned on by the idea of me enjoying myself.

 

I find it easier (or, less bitter) to understand him as an asexual. I told him I just want some kind of definition because the current formula is very upsetting to me and affecting my self esteem. Instead of the current cycle of me ending up bitter and resentful, I would much rather accept his sexuality and then be open about the ways in which I will pursue my sexual needs- one of which is the feeling of being desired and ravished by a man.

 

I hope he does look into it further. If I have to keep working so hard at just getting him to remember that I have a sexuality and his lack therefore, combined with his requirements for monogamy is suppressing me and not healthy for our relationship- then I will need to broach the open idea again. 

 

[Traveler40]

I hate spending time typing my thoughts only to have AVEN log me out and delete those thoughts. Sigh. I have no energy to recreate that wheel. Here’s a much shorter version in lieu:

 

7 hours ago, Lawsie said:

wanted to clarify that I could easily buy the vibrator for myself- but I wanted it to be something we did together as a way to try and establish some kind of intimacy.

Sure, and that’s understood around here. However coming to terms with the fact that you can’t have what you want in the way you want it is part of the deal in a mixed relationship. Buying the vibrator seems to be a small symbol of that.

 

7 hours ago, Lawsie said:

It's not just about sex, it's about intimacy and feeling desired. Feeling desired turns me on- 

 

7 hours ago, Lawsie said:

the feeling of being desired and ravished

So yeah, this is quite common as well, but also not part of the deal if he is asexual. The sooner that’s understood, you may be able to work towards sustainable compromises.

 

Finally, opening is not a first line solution. You’re correct in assuming it takes a lot of energy. While fulfilling for some, it should be on the back burner for now. You’re currently on the starting block of a very long race...

 

I apologize for the short version of what I wanted to say, but there you have it. Hopefully, it helps. 

[anisotrophic]

@Lawsie a lot of what you’ve written about your husband sounds very familiar for me.

 

I should admit that testosterone (my own transition) changed it; being “undesired” hurt much more before (and I remember it hurt terribly, literal visceral pain) ... I wanted those things done, but now... I’m more inclined to want to do them myself. And that’s worked better with him. He wouldn’t have said he’s gay, but perhaps my husband is better matched with someone that is a more masculine pursuer & initiator.

I second @Traveler40’s caution: to not race into “open” but instead start considering it — learning about it, thinking about it. It’s not a solution in itself, it’s more work, it adds complication — more people you care about with feelings to consider. For that reason, ideally one enters into it within a relationship that is going strong; not as an attempt to strengthen a relationship that’s troubled. Because it won’t.

 

What you aren’t going to get is a husband that experiences desire & sexuality in ways you yearn for. But I’d recommend considering how to strengthen what you do have with your husband to be the best it can be (holistically, not just “sex”), which ideally includes understanding each other’s experience of sexuality better & building empathy for each other.

 

The other day, I expressed confusion “why are we still having sex when you’re supportive of me dating others? Do you want this?” He asked, “well, would it mean you stop doing it with me?” Me: “No, of course not, if you want it? I love you.” — the point is, it isn’t an either/or for us.

 

In the long term, “open” may indeed be important for you. Only that doing it too quickly risks destabilizing an already troubled relationship.

[Ceebs]

1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

4 hours ago, Lawsie said:

It's not just about sex, it's about intimacy and feeling desired. Feeling desired turns me on- 

 

4 hours ago, Lawsie said:

the feeling of being desired and ravished

So yeah, this is quite common as well, but also not part of the deal if he is asexual. The sooner that’s understood, you may be able to work towards sustainable compromises.

Mm, yeah. That won't happen. It just won't. Having had sex a number of times in the past with an asexual partner, I can say with a lot of certainty that no matter how willing he was, no matter how much it might've felt physically pleasurable to him, no matter how much I gather he loved me, there was never a feeling of being desired. No passion. More a bit of bewilderment on his part at 'Oh right, I guess we're doing the sex thing again' and then trying to achieve/maintain the right headspace for it. He never once initiated. I just felt creepy and weird and ashamed eventually, and had no sexual/romantic interest in him at that point.

 

Contrast that with people who've wanted to, er, fuck me senseless (to be blunt)... and there's just nothing much I can get out of someone being willing now and then but having zero sexual instinct. Asexuals don't want to 'ravish' people. There's no desire, and personally I absolutely need that to be a mutual thing. If that's what turns you on (as is the case with many sexual people) and you're not fulfilled by 'occasionally willing', then it's unlikely you'll find a compromise that's going to be truly satisfying.

 

@anisotrophic's advice is good though, as far as working on strengthening the relationship as a whole. If you're not at the stage where you already consider it basically over, and you're wanting to find ways to at least try to make it work and stay together, that's vital. (That's not the situation I was in, so it's not something I bothered attempting with my ex. Just not at all the right relationship in a whole bunch of ways, despite the fact that we make good platonic friends and he's a great person.)

[InProgress]

On 3/21/2021 at 8:15 PM, Cellogrl said:

Oh and I must add.. i in the past year in our discussions learned that he was taking care of his needs in the shower 2-3 times a week.  While I was begging him to touch me... you can’t imagine the number that did on me.

This happened in my marriage, too. My husband had always insisted he didn't masturbate. When we were trying to have our first child, we experienced some infertility and he had to see a specialist. One of the questions he was required to answer for his appointment was "how frequently do you masturbate?" This was over 16 years ago now, but when he answered 3-4 times a week I was absolutely crushed! Even now, I remember how painful it was that he wasn't approaching me at all but then finding out he had sexual needs and that he *lied to me* about it. In my mind, I realize how irrational my reaction was and how over the years, I have felt ridiculously insecure and jealous over things he will pay attention to - even when he was friends on social media with a previous girlfriend that he had sex with before me and before lack of desire was an issue. This issue has caused very weird self-esteem and insecurities for me over the years, but realizing he might be ace/grey ace and has low testosterone has helped me to start to put my confidence back at ease. 

 

I guess I just wanted to reach out and say, I know this - precisely this - all too well. You are definitely not alone.

[EyesOpen]

On 3/22/2021 at 12:53 AM, Traveler40 said:

Welcome, and been there. He may not know it himself. While it doesn’t feel good, being able to define this is important. Depending on your husband, he may or may not be interested in knowing himself, but the understanding can help you immensely. 

 

Mainly, the knowledge allows you to drop false hope and figure out your options. You can face this issue with both clarity and understanding for the first time which helps you let go of those resentments. 
 

You can also focus on redefining your life. Maybe this means acceptance, maybe it means changes, but it should bring peace in time. He can’t help being asexual (if that’s what it is) any more than you can help being sexual. The journey is only beginning, so give yourself a break. Keep reading and learning.
 

For me, finding this site was instant lightbulbs all over the place. If you’re still wondering if he is or isn’t after reading the threads here, perhaps it’s something else. Whatever the issue is, keep looking for the answers you need.

This is a beautiful and helpful answer. Only in the past two weeks has the word “asexual” entered my life, and it is shedding a beam of light and truth on my marriage of 30 years to a beloved man. We have had sex perhaps 10 or 12 times in 30 years, and my upbringing made me so constrained and ashamed, there has never been a way to find out more. Thank you, Aven, for the kindness and wisdom of strangers. I see that I have learning and choices ahead. 

 

Question to all sexuals: What has been your best insight, conversation, information or decision along the way?

[EyesOpen]

On 3/22/2021 at 1:17 AM, Cellogrl said:

Sorry for going off.. this new possibility that I just discovered has me all emotional.

@Cellogrl - I am going through exactly what you describe. I feel for you. Two weeks ago in couple therapy, my husband of 30 years acknowledged that he is probably asexual, and has had no sexual feelings for me ever. It has shone a light, but my world is in debris. You talk about your partner relieving himself in the shower. Weirdly, painfully, I feel lucky that my husband has been able to "relieve himself" when I'm not there, otherwise we would not have our beloved child. I had to do IVF on my own - he was able to perform privately to supply the necessary DNA. I have found the most wonderful podcast by a woman called Jeannie, which helped to shine the light: S3 Ep 2: When a Husband is Asexual - Straight Spouse Network | Straight Spouse Network. No idea what my next steps look like. Suffering from loss of dreams and optimism - I tried to keep cheerful for so many years, but it has resulted in long-term depression and low self esteem. If I summon up courage to seek intimacy elsewhere, I will be a home-wrecker, and lose connection with his friends and family, who are part of my world. This shit is hard. I send you my solidarity, in case it may be of any help to you.

[EyesOpen]

On 3/26/2021 at 4:38 PM, InProgress said:

This happened in my marriage, too. My husband had always insisted he didn't masturbate. When we were trying to have our first child, we experienced some infertility and he had to see a specialist. One of the questions he was required to answer for his appointment was "how frequently do you masturbate?" This was over 16 years ago now, but when he answered 3-4 times a week I was absolutely crushed! Even now, I remember how painful it was that he wasn't approaching me at all but then finding out he had sexual needs and that he *lied to me* about it. In my mind, I realize how irrational my reaction was and how over the years, I have felt ridiculously insecure and jealous over things he will pay attention to - even when he was friends on social media with a previous girlfriend that he had sex with before me and before lack of desire was an issue. This issue has caused very weird self-esteem and insecurities for me over the years, but realizing he might be ace/grey ace and has low testosterone has helped me to start to put my confidence back at ease. 

 

I guess I just wanted to reach out and say, I know this - precisely this - all too well. You are definitely not alone.

This. Absolutely. All of it. You are definitely not alone either.