Musings on relationship dynamics in a mutual sexual relationship

[Guest]

So I know aces often wonder why sex is such a huge deal for sexuals, seeing as it is such a small portion of time in a relationship. And I've had time off work lately and just been noting all the little things I couldn't do with my spouse if we had a non-sexual relationship dynamic. 

 

Things like...

 

Going up to her when she's out on the porch and squeezing her bottom. 

 

Her teasingly "searching" for something and touching me in intimate places as a joke. 

 

Causing anticipation for our next time together by wearing sexy clothes and "accidentally" dropping something to bend over

 

All the innuendo jokes throughout the week 

 

Just... little interactions day-to-day that don't mean sex is upcoming soon (could be 4 days away, but we flirt throughout). And without complete access to each others bodies with sexual intimacy being mutual, wouldn't be a fun casual interaction. And would be rather stressful for many aces who don't want to be touched sexually. 

 

Anyone else have things they can think of that aren't just sexy times  ? Like the little stuff that would change ?

[Lord Jade Cross]

I'm a little lost here. I do understand, in a sense, the importance of sexual interaction (not explicitly just the genital interaction) but that doesn't mean I "get" at a personal level the need for it as for me it's basically literally impossible to put myself in the shoes of an allo simply because it's a foreign sensation to me. 

 

Even without sex or sexually base/related gestures, I absolutely despise being touched. It's not something that I developed after puberty due to lack of sexual interest, I simply have always detested being touched, even by family, friends, etc. The idea that someone were to touch me in a sexual matter would ust makes that base repulsion all the worse.

[Ceebs]

1 hour ago, Serran said:

All the innuendo jokes throughout the week 

Lol certainly this. So so so much innuendo, haha. And random very overtly filthy phrases that we know have an almost instant physical effect on each other. There are certain names/words I enjoy being called that would definitely be considered, er, bad things to call someone if they weren't into it. And then there's stuff like one of us mentioning that we're about to take a shower. Anything that's sort of teasing, really.

 

It's primarily verbal given that it's long-distance right now. Well, that and suggestive/explicit photos and videos.

[Guest]

28 minutes ago, Comrade Jade Cross said:

I'm a little lost here. I do understand, in a sense, the importance of sexual interaction (not explicitly just the genital interaction) but that doesn't mean I "get" at a personal level the need for it as for me it's basically literally impossible to put myself in the shoes of an allo simply because it's a foreign sensation to me. 

 

Even without sex or sexually base/related gestures, I absolutely despise being touched. It's not something that I developed after puberty due to lack of sexual interest, I simply have always detested being touched, even by family, friends, etc. The idea that someone were to touch me in a sexual matter would ust makes that base repulsion all the worse.

I dont like being touched by anyone except my wife. I will flinch and move away if anyone else does it. So, the intimacy of touch is even more important for me due to that being special between us! 

 

But, yeah, I imagine it is lost on a lot of aces. I just found myself going "hmm... we do a lot of stuff that wouldn't work if this wasn't a mutual sexual thing" and I've responded to a lot of threads over the years along the lines of "I don't get why sex changes things outside of sex"...

 

Like, 90% of our interactions are intimate in ways that wouldn't work without that sexual element. From casual caresses and strokes while snuggling, to non-verbal body language when something sounds "dirty" but wasn't meant to, to just asking her to walk by again so I can enjoy the view. Not a day goes by when there isn't a sexual undertone to something. Even if we are both tired / stressed and sex isn't going to happen for weeks, that energy is still present in our day-to-day and interest is expressed for a later time when things line up again. 

[Samaro]

Can’t you do all of those things without having sex with a person?

Touching each other, making joking innuendos, wearing “sexy” clothing, and whatnot (still excluding sex)...

You said yourself that those actions taking place don’t mean a sexual encounter is near at hand. I mean, yes, some people who happen to be asexual would not be comfortable with everything you mentioned, but not all of them. There are some allosexuals that might not like some of those things. Do you mean sexual tension/excitement/expectation is needed for such things to be as fun or meaningful as you make them out to be?

I am just very confused.

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Samaro said:

Can’t you do all of those things without having sex with a person?

Touching each other, making joking innuendos, wearing “sexy” clothing, and whatnot (still excluding sex)...

You said yourself that those actions taking place don’t mean a sexual encounter is near at hand. I mean, yes, some people who happen to be asexual would not be comfortable with everything you mentioned, but not all of them. There are some allosexuals that might not like some of those things. Do you mean sexual tension/excitement/expectation is needed for such things to be as fun or meaningful as you make them out to be?

I am just very confused.

If sex was never going to happen, ever... 

 

1) It would feel just... weird to casually touch or tease someone that I've never had sexual intimacy with. Would feel sleazy if it isnt desired and just tolerated. 

 

2) Half the fun is it being mutual desire. If you're teasing, dressing up, etc and it never makes the person desire you... I wouldnt really find that fun. 

 

 3) It would probably end up being pretty darn frustrating to be teased daily, when sex is off the table. 

 

4) I don't see the point in the game if it isn't having an effect on your partner.

 

5) The energy of it and the initiation of the game by a partners desire is kind of important, for me. 

 

Plus, er, most aces in mixed relationships who post about it say how they forget to initiate or don't understand how to make sexual interactions seem spontaneous and fun. They are unlikely to enjoy an ongoing every day sexual undertone flirtation game, or upkeep it for years. Just because sex would go out of their minds. 

[uhtred]

Sadly you are listing all the things I miss as a sexual married to a near asexual.  Sometimes my wife wants sex but its not always there in the background the way it is for me. 

 

For me sex, love, romance all just sort of blend together. 

[Ceebs]

9 hours ago, Serran said:

If sex was never going to happen, ever... 

 

1) It would feel just... weird to casually touch or tease someone that I've never had sexual intimacy with. Would feel sleazy if it isnt desired and just tolerated. 

Oh yeah, this is part of the reason I started feeling like a creepy pervert with my ex. Even if sex was... acceptable... it was just weird and made me feel ashamed. And was certainly not very fun.

[Guest]

8 hours ago, uhtred said:

Sadly you are listing all the things I miss as a sexual married to a near asexual.  Sometimes my wife wants sex but its not always there in the background the way it is for me. 

 

For me sex, love, romance all just sort of blend together. 

I figured many in mixed would lack most, if not all of them. My reason for posting was mostly to share how it blends into the relationship as a whole, since that seems to be a point of confusion for many aces.