My husband of 15 years recently came out as asexual and Aromantic

[Just Breathe]

Although it explains a lot and relieves some of the worry that I am simply undesirable, I'm not sure where to go from here.  We are simply friends and house mates.  We have our own rooms and he is totally uninterested in any sort of compromise or attempt at intimacy of any form even for my benefit.  It might seem selfish on my part but it makes me feel like I am the only one sacrificing and conforming to keep him happy and not cause him stress. In turn it is causing me plenty.  I've tried discussing it but he simply has the attitude that it would be silly to do something he isn't interested in and in all honesty, if he isn't interested, it would not be enjoyable. 

If anyone else is going through a similar situation and has advice it would be appreciated.  I'm new to this and lost. 

Thanks in advance 

[The Ivory Witch]

That sounds hard, and I'm sure it's not easy for him either. While I don't have any experience with such a situation, I do hope you can find a way to be happy anyway. And if it doesn't work out I don't think it will be the end of the world or anything, maybe he would be open to compromise in the future, but given how long you have been married (and I'm assuming you haven't really been intimate in that way much, if at all) it might not be something he would be comfortable with. What is important is that you talk about it, try to make him see your side of it, but also respect what he wants.

[R66forM]

I understand much of what you are feeling.   Honest, answer is its tough.  You probably have a lot of different trains of thought at the moment.   Start by building on the positive, you can stop worrying about being undesirable, or said positively,  you are desirable.  Personally,  understanding this eventually gave me the confidence to move forward,  I didn't realize how damaging that had become to my self worth. 

 

There are a number of folks on this forum that are also dealing with similar issues and will have input for you. And read their many responses and see if any parts work for you.

 

Are kids involved? If so, that adds a level to consider.

 

You have a lot to work through.  Be patient and let the flurry of emotions settle before trying to make decisions. 

 

Finally,  don't assume he doesn't care because he is uninterested in compromise.   Read some of want the aces have written too.  And hopefully he will talk to you about his feelings more.  It's a positive he told you what he has.

 

Hang in there.  

 

 

 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Just Breathe said:

  We are simply friends and house mates.  We have our own rooms and he is totally uninterested in any sort of compromise or attempt at intimacy of any form even for my benefit. 

Aces tend to not feel the lack of sexual intimacy makes someone "just a friend". And, having sex for someone else without desire can be damaging - did it for years, did not end up going well for my mental health. If he does not want to compromise on sex, it is something you will have to respect. And it doesn't mean he doesn't care, it just means... sex without desire is really hard to do. I've since discovered I'm not ace and I do desire my wife. But, it took a while to even be comfortable with sex with her after forcing myself into desireless sex for so long with my exes! 

 

 

2 hours ago, Just Breathe said:

 

  I've tried discussing it but he simply has the attitude that it would be silly to do something he isn't interested in and in all honesty, if he isn't interested, it would not be enjoyable. 

 

That is the other issue - sex without desire often is not fulfilling. So, even when an ace wants to compromise, it doesn't fill the gap left by the mixed orientation. 

 

However... that doesn't mean you just have to be celibate forever. Discuss with him that you have needs and ask him to help you figure out a way to meet them, since he has said he does not want to be involved in it. Whether that means he helps, but his body is not involved. Or allowing you to have a lover as well as a husband. Or agreeing to split. Or whatever that solution looks like for the two of you. Your needs are valid, his needs are valid. You just have to figure out what it means for the two of you, since the needs are opposite ends of the spectrum. 

[Mountain House]

Hi @Just Breathe, welcome to the site.  the gist of your story is not unique here.  In fact, it is eerily similar to another here; down to the mention of 15 years.

 

Anyway, keeping in mind that this life is not a dress rehearsal, you now know the what's what at home.  Spend a bit of time and decide what you want to live a fulfilling happy life from this point forward.

 

Others are going identify what we consider the 4 options you have and there are representatives here that have chosen each one.  We'll get to those. 

[uhtred]

Hello

that is very difficult. 

I think the next thing for you to do is some honest (to yourself) self reflection.  Can you  be happy without sex and romance (which he cannot provide). Don't worry about what you *should* feel, think about how you actually feel.  People are different - for some people sex / romance are meaningless, or negative. For others, just a minor positive thing, but for still others they are *essential* to happiness.

 

After you have done some thinking, then I believe the right approach is to never stay in a relationship that doesn't make *both* people happy. LIfe is short and you only get one go at it - live a life you will enjoy or you will regret it

[InvisibleSquid]

I'm actually on the opposite end of this sort of situation. We've been married for almost 14 years, and we have four kids together. I realized fairly recently that I'm aroace, and it had made things rather difficult in my marriage. Don't take this as a downer, but we recently separated, and things are tough right now. But that does not mean it needs to be the same for you. I'd like to give you hope. Everyone's situation is different, and we've had other things going on in our relationship aside from my orientation. If he can still show you that he loves you in the ways you need, and compromises aren't making things worse or strained, then I don't see why things couldn't work out somehow. You need to figure out what in your relationship works, and make that stronger.

 

Communication is key here. See what you two can work out in the sense of making the relationship work with a new dynamic. In my case, we couldn't stay together because I found myself unable to give my wife what she wanted or needed in a genuine sense. It was unfair to her for me to try if it wasn't genuine, even if I was doing so out of love and caring. She knew it wasn't genuine, which made things worse. She decided that I couldn't stay. At this point, even though she's been feeling hurt, this was for the best because she doesn't deserve to be hurt because of the way I am that I have no control over. I will always have love for her, but I cannot love her romantically. That fact hurts me probably as much as it hurts her, because I do really care. You need to figure out for yourself what your needs are, and figure out what his are, then work out together how the relationship needs to progress from there. I completely second what @uhtred said.

 

I do feel for you, and I wish you luck.

[anisotrophic]

If there aren’t children, this is probably headed towards divorce in the long run — although only you can really know your entanglements.

 

As @Mountain House left for others to outline, the options or paths to consider are,

 

(1) no sex — you continue in a marriage that leaves your own orientation “unfulfilled”

 

(2) sex with your spouse — some spouses decide they do want to have sex despite not having a clear internal desire for it. The reasons behind this are diverse; they may want to make a partner happy, keep a partner from leaving, etc. And, sexual partners may still be unhappy with feeling like a “chore” or “undesired”.

 

This is not necessarily excluding #3 below; and permission for #3 can be good to reduce sexual pressure.
 

(3) sex with others — this can be ethical non-monogamy, eg an “open” relationship or polyamory. The “rules” depend very much on the needs and preferences of the partners, and it’s something you can go research (there are books, forums, groups, etc).

 

If a partner doesn’t agree to this, you can declare that you’ll do it regardless of their blessing & they can decide whether it requires divorce. Personally I consider this ethical: you declare the relationship can only continue under these terms, they decide whether to take them.

 

Conversely, I don’t consider an “affair” (concealing pursuit of a new relationship) to be ethical. Needs matter, but marriage is about trust.

 

(4) Break up. If non-monogamy isn’t for you, and you can’t be happy with #1 or #2 then this is the trajectory. Keep in mind that what you think you can endure is often overly optimistic; change is scary, but postponing it may only result in wasted time.

 

There aren’t other options here. And if you can afford an individual therapist, you should be looking into that.

 

—

 

My husband never stopped having sex with me & since we dug into “asexuality” he has said I can have sex with others, but I haven’t been motivated to do so. I’m FtX trans & since I’ve started testosterone therapy it’s gotten a lot easier. I’m inclined to consider his sexuality as “present” but not something he has any awareness of, highly responsive, without personal preferences & not oriented to any gender etc. in particular.

[PermianElle]

So, he doesn't want to meet your sexual needs. What about your romantic needs? Ace-aro is a double whammy of incompatibility, and if he's not willing to compromise about sex, is he willing to do date nights, long walks on the beach, curl up by the fire, etc? 

 

The fact that he's not willing to compromise on intimacy is worrisome. Relationships are built on compromise. Does he compromise elsewhere and this is the one area he stands his ground, or does he always say he's not interested so he won't?

 

Now, I don't think he should have sex if he doesn't want to (sex is always a 'two yes one no' situation), but you guys need to have a real talk about whether it not he's able to meet any of your needs. 

[anisotrophic]

Honestly after a decade and a half of marriage I’m unclear on what “aro” means, practically speaking, in a long term relationship. I tend to think people use “aromantic” to mean “doesn’t experience limerence”, but limerence doesn’t last. People don’t generally stay “in love”, they hopefully transition to a state of lasting “love”.

 

But I think a strong interpersonal relationship in the long term — “love” in some lasting form — doesn’t require limerence. It means empathy, caring about another person. It doesn’t require sexual attraction, but it does require strong motivation to see another person be happy and flourish as a person. Whether that person is a child, parent, sibling, friend, or partner.

 

If someone is using “aromantic” to mean they can’t care about any other person in a lasting way (child, parent, sibling, partner, friend, etc) — they have no deep empathy for specific people they’re close to — then they may be saying something more fundamental about their personality than “romance”.

 

Alternatively, they may have that, but are struggling to act on it effectively and feel helpless about getting better at it — I think that’s where my husband has been the past couple months; or maybe, we’re working on learning how to do a better job of caring about each other.

[Guest]

18 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

Honestly after a decade and a half of marriage I’m unclear on what “aro” means, practically speaking, in a long term relationship. I tend to think people use “aromantic” to mean “doesn’t experience limerence”, but limerence doesn’t last. People don’t generally stay “in love”, they hopefully transition to a state of lasting “love”.

 

But I think a strong interpersonal relationship in the long term — “love” in some lasting form — doesn’t require limerence. It means empathy, caring about another person. It doesn’t require sexual attraction, but it does require strong motivation to see another person be happy and flourish as a person. Whether that person is a child, parent, sibling, friend, or partner.

 

If someone is using “aromantic” to mean they can’t care about any other person in a lasting way (child, parent, sibling, partner, friend, etc) — they have no deep empathy for specific people they’re close to — then they may be saying something more fundamental about their personality than “romance”.

 

Alternatively, they may have that, but are struggling to act on it effectively and feel helpless about getting better at it — I think that’s where my husband has been the past couple months; or maybe, we’re working on learning how to do a better job of caring about each other.

Aromantic means unable to feel romantic feelings. Not everyone loses romantic attachment to their spouse after years together. I was married 10 years to my ex and even though he was a jerk, the romance remained for most of the marriage (abuse finally killed it, which made leaving easier). I have been with my current spouse 4 years and there has been no dampening of romantic feelings and I doubt it ever will die out, as my wife isn't a jerk like my ex. 

 

Romance is a lot more than limerence. And, honestly, I'd probably find a marriage where it died or was lacking to begin with difficult to stay in. I do experience limerence, but it fades. My feelings that are exclusive to romantic relationships never do though, unless the relationship itself is dying. One of the reasons I hesitated with my wife when I discovered my feelings was that she ID'd as lithromantic at the time and I knew that would be an issue. 

 

Even if the aro showed me affection in ways I asked, it would be kind of like being in a relationship with an ace that compromises but lacks desire... sure the acts are there but the energy and feelings are so different it doesn't satisfy. 

[InvisibleSquid]

14 minutes ago, Serran said:

Even if the aro showed me affection in ways I asked, it would be kind of like being in a relationship with an ace that compromises but lacks desire... sure the acts are there but the energy and feelings are so different it doesn't satisfy. 

This states better what I was trying to say above. 

[Guest]

7 minutes ago, Ace of J said:

This states better what I was trying to say above. 

I think it still won't make sense for people who cannot feel romance, or can't feel it long-term. 

 

The intensity of feelings, the change in behaviors it causes and the energy you get when it is mutual is totally not something you can replace though. I could likely be with an ace, but I know I couldn't be with an aro. 

[anisotrophic]

The word & concept of “romance” or “romantic love” is socially constructed and many aspects are recent and derivative of genres of literature — literally from the stories of knights and such, e.g. connected to “courtly love”. Referring to it like it’s an obvious thing that exists really does a disservice to a need for shared definitions.

 

There are some constructs like triangular theory & color wheel model that might more concretely express aspects of “love”. If someone’s telling me they’re “aromantic” I’m definitely going to want to know what that means to them, because the word “romantic” means nothing at all — since it can mean so many things.

 

Is it about enjoying sharing appreciation for beauty, like music or a sunset? Sharing fun experiences, laughing together? Sharing in hard work, engaging in teamwork? Sharing intellectual stuff, understanding things? Sharing a sense of purpose & meaning in life? Feeling calmed by touch? A passion to make someone happy? A desire to share good fortune? Admiration? Worrying about them? Et cetera.

[InvisibleSquid]

1 minute ago, Serran said:

I think it still won't make sense for people who cannot feel romance, or can't feel it long-term. 

 

The intensity of feelings, the change in behaviors it causes and the energy you get when it is mutual is totally not something you can replace though. I could likely be with an ace, but I know I couldn't be with an aro. 

Yes, exactly. And is precisely why my marriage couldn't work out. As much as I didn't want to admit it, it ended up being very one-sided in that sense, and I feel awful for that. She is just full-on emotion, and I'm just... well, not. I'm no good for someone like that. I think it can work for some couples, but in our case I think it was too much. I never even came out to her as aro, as I only figured it out after the split. And I feel like I'd hurt her more if I did tell her at this point. "Gee, sorry, my feelings faded long before I ever realized it, because I'm just not capable of having or holding onto any sort of romantic feelings for anyone." That'll go over well... 😟

[Traveler40]

6 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

If someone’s telling me they’re “aromantic” I’m definitely going to want to know what that means to them, because the word “romantic” means nothing at all — since it can mean so many things.

Thank you for this and agreed. 
 

I’ve seen it described differently on AVEN depending on who’s speaking. My husband doesn’t self identify as aromantic or ace, so those characterizations are mine by observation alone.
 

What does it mean to me? Romance is maintained via acts which create and maintain feelings of intimacy with a partner. It’s meeting needs of all parties and showing care both in your own way, but also in how your partner hears it. Caring to meet specific needs is important.  To me, romance includes hand holding, hugs, kisses, cuddling, words of affirmation, or acts showing you’re thinking about your partner and their needs.  Supporting tenderness within the relationship is critical in my mind. Absent that, you have a friendship. 

I see my husband as aromantic given he hasn’t voluntarily touched me (even platonically as a friend might) in as long as I can recall. I don’t remember ever snuggling, can count on one hand the number of times we’ve held hands, never gotten a peck on the lips where he’s initiated, an offered hug or remembered on a special occasion. He doesn’t initiate conversation even. He’s simply a responsive type personality. Geez, it reads odd, but it’s true. Now, if I initiated, he would reciprocate (somewhat awkwardly), but his is more required response I suppose. The moment I stopped that was it. 

[Guest]

3 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

The word & concept of “romance” or “romantic love” is socially constructed and many aspects are recent and derivative of genres of literature — literally from the stories of knights and such, e.g. connected to “courtly love”. Referring to it like it’s an obvious thing that exists really does a disservice to a need for shared definitions.

 

There are some constructs like triangular theory & color wheel model that might more concretely express aspects of “love”. If someone’s telling me they’re “aromantic” I’m definitely going to want to know what that means to them, because the word “romantic” means nothing at all — since it can mean so many things.

 

Is it about enjoying sharing appreciation for beauty, like music or a sunset? Sharing fun experiences, laughing together? Sharing in hard work, engaging in teamwork? Sharing intellectual stuff, understanding things? Sharing a sense of purpose & meaning in life? Feeling calmed by touch? A passion to make someone happy? A desire to share good fortune? Admiration? Worrying about them? Et cetera.

Well, if someone is identifying as asexual I would want to know what it means to them... since sexual attraction has many definitions. 

 

If someone is telling me they've never had sex, I would want to know what it means to them, as sex could mean anything from never had a hand job to I do everything except PiV but don't count any of it. Since definitions vary so much. 

 

If someone IDs as lesbian, I'd like to know what that means to them. Some use it to mean romantic and sexual attraction to women, but can experience either romantic or sexual attraction to men as well, just never the two combined. 

 

Etc, etc. There is no universal definition of any term when it comes to social interactions. Even "yelling", "arguing" etc vary by who is speaking. 

 

Definitions varying doesn't make the idea of romance not exist. Or romantic feelings only about limerence. 

[Guest]

(For me btw, it means difficulty telling friendship from a romantic partner - all the aros that say they can't tell the difference in a crush or desire to be good friends, or have never felt any different than a good family member or best friend would make them feel... specific acts vary by person, but that driving emotion that sets romantic apart from friend should exist in any relationship I am part of or I just don't have much interest. My wife originally could not pinpoint a difference and said she didn't believe in it, which gave me pause to the idea of the relationship, but she is fully capable of feeling something for me that isn't felt for her friends.)

[Guest]

On 3/16/2021 at 9:44 AM, Just Breathe said:

Although it explains a lot and relieves some of the worry that I am simply undesirable, I'm not sure where to go from here.  We are simply friends and house mates.  We have our own rooms and he is totally uninterested in any sort of compromise or attempt at intimacy of any form even for my benefit.  It might seem selfish on my part but it makes me feel like I am the only one sacrificing and conforming to keep him happy and not cause him stress. In turn it is causing me plenty.  I've tried discussing it but he simply has the attitude that it would be silly to do something he isn't interested in and in all honesty, if he isn't interested, it would not be enjoyable. 

If anyone else is going through a similar situation and has advice it would be appreciated.  I'm new to this and lost. 

Thanks in advance 

Hmm. Would you be interested in remaining with him as friends, but you yourself seeking something (ie someone) new for love and intimacy? If he isn't fulfilling those needs and you genuinely need them met, then it would be unfair on you to remain unhappy and unfulfilled while he gets exactly what he wants (ie living with you with no reciprocative love actions or intimacy). Obviously talk to him about it first. Explain that you're unhappy without intimacy and understand that he cannot want it, so you would like to start getting dressed up to go out and meet new people with the idea in mind that it may lead to something more. If he cannot agree to that then I personally think complete break-up may be the only solution because it's not fair that you should have to live unfulfilled with someone who isn't trying anything at all to make you feel better 😕

 

5 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

The word & concept of “romance” or “romantic love” is socially constructed and many aspects are recent and derivative of genres of literature — literally from the stories of knights and such, e.g. connected to “courtly love”. Referring to it like it’s an obvious thing that exists really does a disservice to a need for shared definitions.

Except the actual feeling of romantic love does exist and it's an extremely strong and overwhelming feeling for many people who experience it. Just like the emotion of fear exists and is a real thing, or anger, or joy, those are all genuine feelings that have a physical reaction in our bodies and make us act a certain way as a result. Just because ten different people might explain their fear slightly differently, and each one is afraid of something different, and each one reacts slightly differently when faced with their fear (one freezes, one screams, one instantly gets ready to fight, one pretends not to be afraid, etc) that doesn't mean fear doesn't exist or is some made up concept, even though it may possibly seem that way to someone who has never experienced it. It's exactly the same with romantic love and it's quite frankly annoying seeing people (this topic pops up every now and then on AVEN) try to say that just because some of the names and ways used to describe the feelings and some of the social rituals surrounding them have only been in existence for X amount of time the feelings themselves must be something that don't exist or are some modern cultural phenomenon. The feelings have always existed and many (most) people do genuinely experience them to varying degrees at some point or another in their lives. It's the social rituals and the names that are invented and change, not the feelings themselves.

 

5 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

If someone’s telling me they’re “aromantic” I’m definitely going to want to know what that means to them, because the word “romantic” means nothing at all — since it can mean so many things.

Well most people understand that in general one is referring to the reciprocation of romantic feelings through intimacy like kissing and snuggles etc when they speak of romance. And being aromantic is meant to be defined as just not experiencing romantic feelings at all. The actions expected and desired are secondary to the feelings themselves, or the lack of them.

 

But yeah for each person (as with all emotions, ie grief) the actions desired as a result of those emotions can vary from person to person so it's important to establish (preferably prior to getting into a relationship) what your personal love actions are and what your partner's love actions are and whether you can meet half way. If you desire constant snuggles and your partner is touch averse but enjoys hunting deer in the woods as a shared romantic activity, and you're a vegan.. Well a romantic relationship may not work out so well between the two of you even if you're both experiencing romantic love for each other.

 

Again though just because one person wants to be alone in the dark when they grieve and one wants be surrounded by supportive people who hug them and bring them flowers, and one wants to scream and smash things, and one wants everything to go on as normal, that doesn't mean the emotion of grief itself isn't a real thing. Just because many societies around the world (now and in the past) have different socially acceptable grieving rituals doesn't mean grief is a social construct.

 

Spoiler

I was drunk like 6 hours ago and my brain isn't functioning too well, so hopefully that all makes sense.

 

 

 

 

[Traveler40]

1 hour ago, PanFicto. said:

The actions expected and desired are secondary to the feelings themselves, or the lack of them.

I think it’s wrapped together and one begets the other. No feelings? No action. Sort of like the meaning-memory dichotomy. 
 

Isn’t asexuality the same, but on a less frequently expressed level? It would therefore make sense that conquering a mismatch in romance would be much harder to overcome, especially if paired with asexuality. For example, if a compromise exists to include sexual activity, I’d expect that to be less frequent than demonstrating you care for someone. In a relationship, romantic gestures should be happening multiple times a day at worst. The actions are as imperative as the feelings...
 

Placing the feeling over actions doesn’t make sense to me. It relies on both imho.

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

I think it’s wrapped together and one begets the other. No feelings? No action. Sort of like the meaning-memory dichotomy

No because I've known many aromantic people on AVEN who say they don't experience romantic feelings but still desire romantic-seeming actions with close friends like snuggling in bed watching movies together. And of course sex and everything else for a non-asexual aromantics. The activities can be desired and done by anyone regardless of their feelings (if they desire those activities) but on the flip-side there are romantic people who don't desire any of those actions. So the actions are quite separate. The feelings are something you either have or you don't have, regardless of which actions you do or do not desire to partake in!

 

Also if someone doesn't love you back (ie doesn't have romantic feelings for you), they can still "go through the motions" of all the romantic activities you desire but it almost certainly won't "hit the spot" because when you're in love, you want those actions to come from a place of shared feelings. Without the reciprocated feelings, the actions feel hollow, even if you appreciate the effort the other person is going to.

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

3 hours ago, PanFicto. said:

No because I've known many aromantic people on AVEN who say they don't experience romantic feelings but still desire romantic-seeming actions with close friends like snuggling in bed watching movies together. And of course sex and everything else for a non-asexual aromantics. The activities can be desired and done by anyone regardless of their feelings (if they desire those activities) but on the flip-side there are romantic people who don't desire any of those actions. So the actions are quite separate. The feelings are something you either have or you don't have, regardless of which actions you do or do not desire to partake in!

 

Also if someone doesn't love you back (ie doesn't have romantic feelings for you), they can still "go through the motions" of all the romantic activities you desire but it almost certainly won't "hit the spot" because when you're in love, you want those actions to come from a place of shared feelings. Without the reciprocated feelings, the actions feel hollow, even if you appreciate the effort the other person is going to.

 

 

 

 

I went through the motions when I dates a guy I wasn't romantically into - it felt so weird and I know I was more aloof because of it. And, with my exes when romance died and I tried to keep playing along I got told it was like kissing a dead fish.

 

People can do the actions without any real emotion behind it. It is... not something I would be interested in receiving though. 

 

But anyway. We are off topic. @Just Breathe you really need to decide what you need and just talk to your husband about how to get it, either from him or separate from him. hopefully our little off topic back and forth helps you decide your own position 

[Just Breathe]

Thank you to all for your comments, advice and compassion.  We are still trying to navigate these waters but your input has been very welcome and helpful.  

[Just Breathe]

I think more and more we are leaning toward going our separate ways.  We want to remain friends and support each other however we can.  There is no blame from either side.  It simply is what it is.  If it were one or the other it might be able to work but him being  at the extreme of both asexual and Aromantic we can't find a common ground.  He is uninterested in either and even if he tried to fake it, which he sees no point in trying, it would never be or feel genuine.  I am the extreme opposite and have so much love and affection to give and want to be loved back ☹. The need for love and passion and to be desired is too strong and the lack of it is weighing on my self esteem even though I know it's not about me.  I just feel empty.  

[uhtred]

On 4/2/2021 at 8:13 PM, Just Breathe said:

I think more and more we are leaning toward going our separate ways.  We want to remain friends and support each other however we can.  There is no blame from either side.  It simply is what it is.  If it were one or the other it might be able to work but him being  at the extreme of both asexual and Aromantic we can't find a common ground.  He is uninterested in either and even if he tried to fake it, which he sees no point in trying, it would never be or feel genuine.  I am the extreme opposite and have so much love and affection to give and want to be loved back ☹. The need for love and passion and to be desired is too strong and the lack of it is weighing on my self esteem even though I know it's not about me.  I just feel empty.  

My belief is that this is the best solution for both of you. Best wishes to you both and hope you both find compatble partners.

[ryn2]

I’m sorry you have a lot of difficult ground ahead but it’s good that you’re both in agreement about the best solution.

[romantic introvert]

I am actually in very similar situation as OP, but not as critical. 
my we've been together for ~6/7 year. (married for almost 2), we're both 29. My husband came out few months ago that he's aromantic (only aro , not ace, but I think it's less  libido) .. At first I wanted to be supportive for him. But as time goes I realized that all this time I have been neglecting my own needs. How the little things and lack of romance have been chipping me down. (like things when at a party he would abandon me to be on my own, and I would have to find things to do instead of enjoying at least a little bit of time at a fireplace cuddling.) 

I no longer like to take pictures of myself, i have became cold even to my parents, i stopped expressing my emotions or feelings, became more anxious. . we never really laugh together.  I have realized that all of this kind of went unnoticed because i game online, and that's where I would actually LIVE out my emotions. He even mentioned how different I am online and IRL, but I feel more like myself when I am online. talking to friends or buddies. , I would usually meet some one or two persons to play with almost everyday (he/she (i am bi) would know i'm in relationship, and have his partner only in respectful manner), but someone I really click with and enjoy my evenings, have fun, with  all my silly jokes and witty smart ones, That's when I become flirty and entertaining instead of anxious.  (i don't like playing in groups bc i'm highly introverted and get tired of people) .

Almost same time that my husband came out as aromantic - we decided to stop playing with a guy that we played for a year because we noticed we gotten attached and it's not a fair thing for the real relationships we have. So We stopped all contact. This is how I realized I've been filling up a hole all these years.  
We had some talks about it since. At first he was not interested in any compromise. But after I became visibly depressed and cold he started to show effort. Like would try to hug or pet me or something, But I think by now I lost my feelings that I  had. I can now feel how painfully awkward his touch feels. And like someone wrote  " the acts are there but the energy and feelings are so different it doesn't satisfy. " It feels alien.  
In addition we did 'love languages test' and kind of discussed related topics. And we have absolutely opposite results. And for him it's like "what is more tolerable" instead of what actually brings good feelings like for me.  

I don't even know why I am writing this as the more I think about it the more obvious it seems that if we don't seperate I will become more and more  miserable (already am) . And now we are not even 30 yet and could create new lives and move on  still, (no kids, but bought house together) .  But At the same time I don't want to hurt his feelings as I know he cares about me.  but just in different way. And this would be mostly my one sided decision. 
Maybe OP or someone  someone will read this and get clarity for their situation. 

[uhtred]

@romantic introvert

I think you are right about what you need to do.   This is a pretty basic incompatibility.  You are still young, why spend the rest of your life in a realtionship that isn't making you happy.  Also if you aren't happy, and your husband loves you, he can't be happy either.

 

This isn't about right and wrong, no need to assign blame (whether or not you feel there is some).  You are just not happy together.

 

My wife and I have tried to make this work - and 35 years of marriage has not fixed it, its a cloud over us that never lifts.   Don't make the mistake we did

 

feel free to PM

 

 

[ryn2]

@Traveler40 I had that “didn’t see the subforum or thread showing as updated until someone else posted” issue on this one.  I have definitely been in this subforum at least once or twice since Monday but did not see there had been an update Monday until uhtred posted.

[Traveler40]

Thanks for the heads up @ryn2. I’ve seen it a number of times since first reported and have notified admin via “contact us”. However. I’ve neither gotten a response nor any acknowledgment whatsoever. 🤷🏻‍♀️
 

Clearly, it’s a tech issue that many may not even be aware they are experiencing. Given SPFA is so hot/cold, it’s likely easier to spot.