Is being private a sign of insecurity and fear?

[Birlow17]

I’ve always been a private person by nature but I was just thinking “Well why do I live like this?”

I wonder why I feel the need to be private about what I do, who I’m with, what’s on my heart etc. I see others who live their life openly and with their heart on their sleeves and they seem to have some type of liberation. There’s really pros and cons to being open and being private but I don’t know which is the correct way to live.
 

Think of public figures for example. I’m sure couples who are open with their relationship feel more free and authentic? Then there are private couples who have to hide an important factor of their life, avoid mentioning their name etc. It almost feels like while they’re being private and not sharing that part of their lives, they’re also not sharing a part of them? Being private sometimes makes us less sincere because we have to be vague and hide our hearts. 
 

Does the need to be private just stem from fear? Fear of being judged and seen by others. I don’t know why I feel like a coward living a private life sometimes. I’ve met people who are open about it and around them I feel insincere for some reason. I’m probably just in my head in overthinking it. 

[MarRister]

There is no 'correct' way to live. Just what you feel comfortable with, and if you want to change that then maybe start actively pushing your boundaries little by little and see if that brings you good things. If you are happy with the way you are private then, what does it matter? But it does sound like you have some doubts about that, so the best way to figure that out is to start thinking about changing that aspect and see how it goes.

 

For myself, I do think part of the reason I tend to be more of a private person is because I have some insecurity and fear of judgement, but I also think it is partly second nature to me as well. I have started trying to be a bit more open with people about what I'm truly feeling and thinking, and I do think it has been a good thing. I find it easier to make friends and create some stronger bonds with people. But I still have a lot of fear with it too, and some things are definitely still off limits for me in this regard. And that is fine, boundaries are also good. But there are definitely still areas I would like to improve on in this regard. Some conversations will be so scary to me, I will avoid them at all costs, or am just not really even capable of having them even though they are important conversations to have.

 

I really do envy the people who seem to be so natural as being openly themselves in all situations. It seems very brave to me personally, and I enjoy that authenticity right off the bat. I wouldn't say that I am not authentic, because even in my fear that is me being authentically me, but I do think it can impact my ability to get close to people and I don't like that aspect.

 

 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Birlow17 said:

I’ve always been a private person by nature but I was just thinking “Well why do I live like this?”

I wonder why I feel the need to be private about what I do, who I’m with, what’s on my heart etc. I see others who live their life openly and with their heart on their sleeves and they seem to have some type of liberation. There’s really pros and cons to being open and being private but I don’t know which is the correct way to live.
 

Think of public figures for example. I’m sure couples who are open with their relationship feel more free and authentic? Then there are private couples who have to hide an important factor of their life, avoid mentioning their name etc. It almost feels like while they’re being private and not sharing that part of their lives, they’re also not sharing a part of them? Being private sometimes makes us less sincere because we have to be vague and hide our hearts. 
 

Does the need to be private just stem from fear? Fear of being judged and seen by others. I don’t know why I feel like a coward living a private life sometimes. I’ve met people who are open about it and around them I feel insincere for some reason. I’m probably just in my head in overthinking it. 

Well introversion and extraversion are a proven scientific thing. More often, private people are introverts and "out there" people are extroverts. Introversion means you get your energy from being alone and get drained quickly from being around a lot of other people. Extraversion means means you get your energy from socialising and feel drained and unhappy being alone. So yeah there's nothing cowardly about being private especially if it stems from introversion! I guess it would only be 'cowardly' (though that's not the word I'd use) if you really wanted to hang out with people but were too afraid to, in which case some kind of professional help may be of benefit!!

[Sean_Bird]

Yes and no. I think for some people they're private because of fear, but for others, it's just a personality type. (sometimes a mix) For personality, they just don't feel the urge to go out of their way to tell others how they feel or think on certain matters. Whereas for others, they usually learn to be secretive for safety purposes.

 

I have wondered where I fall on that line-- a lot of my secrecy on certain topics is fear based, but I'm also just a naturally shy and introverted person. To an extent, I think that if I had had a better upbringing I would be more open with my thoughts and feelings, but I would still be shy and introverted.

 

1 hour ago, Birlow17 said:

Think of public figures for example. I’m sure couples who are open with their relationship feel more free and authentic?

In my experience, whether someone is public/open about their personal life doesn't really dictate their actual state of happiness or authenticity. A lot of people, sometimes even the most depressed, learn how to act happy/upbeat for the sake of others. For example: I've had depression my entire life, but when I was in community college, I was extremely active. I always had a smile, wore carefully chosen outfits, did my make up a certain way-- and overall, had learned how to pass as a functional and happy adult to my peers. Since I never talked about my problems, no one knew how much I was struggling emotionally.

 

People from a variety of demographics learn how to conform to their groups, and for some that aligns with their natural interests, for others it's forced. Some men, for example, love sports, and that's great for them. For men that don't like sports, and maybe instead have an interest in a traditionally feminine hobby (like fashion), feigning an interest publicly in sports might make them look like "one of the guys" and fit in, but it's not authentic to them. They'll go with the crowd and play the part, but they're not actually having fun, and doing so can be harmful to their mental health down the road.

 

1 hour ago, Birlow17 said:

I see others who live their life openly and with their heart on their sleeves and they seem to have some type of liberation.

I've felt this sentiment before myself-- but, I've also noticed that a lot of the people who I admired for this attitude had some... problematic, beliefs, when I got to know them better. Sometimes those people are also privileged enough to have not gone through severe trauma, or had the resources to overcome them. (people are all unique, though, so what my idea of an open/liberated person is may be different than yours) Some people are also just fortunate to have the resilience to go through life with that way of living.

 

1 hour ago, Birlow17 said:

I’ve always been a private person by nature but I was just thinking “Well why do I live like this?”

I wonder why I feel the need to be private about what I do, who I’m with, what’s on my heart etc.

I have been wondering about this myself, especially since I stumbled across a hypnosis video about "meeting your inner child". I didn't watch it, because it seemed silly, but I have wondered what my actual personality is, setting aside fear/trauma based reactions and quirks. Of my personality traits, what's learned behavior, and what's just... me? Of course, my memories and life up to now influence who *I* am, but what if I didn't have those? What characteristics would I have if I stripped all of that away?

 

1 hour ago, Birlow17 said:

Does the need to be private just stem from fear? Fear of being judged and seen by others. I don’t know why I feel like a coward living a private life sometimes.

That could be worth exploring-- sometimes we humans have a tendency to create irrational fears based on previous experiences, but sometimes, those fears are rooted in learned experiences, and they're meant to keep us safe. I've been learning this last year that a fear I had of my sister, which I used to think was irrational, was actually a very real way my subconscious was trying to keep me safe from her.

 

Opening up and connecting to other humans can be a great experience, but remember to respect your boundaries, and respect your own feelings/thoughts. ❤️ 

[Guest]

There's no shame in adapting to an otherwise hostile world. I don't exactly lead a public life as I dealt with enough gripe for just about everything to last a lifetime and beyond, but dealing with anxiety 24/7 is destructive to one's esteem, and I've seen and heard of lives ruined permanently because of traumatised development. Then there're the security implications like having everyone knowing where you live, information that can lead to ID theft et cetera. There is such thing as paranoia, but there is also intelligence and a natural will for self-preservation.

 

If you're introverted it means you get fatigued with too much socialising, not necessarily like to remain private or secret. Either is not shameful in my eyes or anybody with at least a shred of courtesy.

[Epitaph]

In the past five years or so my personality's gone and upended itself. I used to be highly introverted. Didn't let any information slip out to anybody about myself. In terminology, I was practically a ghost. No outstanding features, nothing to draw attention.

 

When people would ask questions, I'd answer with a vague statement or something that shifted direction in the conversation. At one point I noticed how my body reacted when this happened. I tensed up greatly. So I did a bit of tracing to see where it stemmed from. Most likely childhood. Most encounters I ever had involving questions about myself when answered caused me trouble. I was "weird" and quickly slotted myself as an outsider. So I had a need to separate myself from people. Any intrusion into that territory caused me stress.

 

These days I'm the opposite, largely in part to all the death I've seen. It just hit me one day. We waste so much time trying to be something we're not, hide what we are, and conserve our thoughts and feelings because half the time we're so afraid or overworked about how others feel, and then we die at random. And I said to hell with that. My life, I can do whatever I please and I don't give a shit about anybody's take on it because they don't walk my shoes. I still withold information from time to time, but that's more based on who I gauge can handle it, or the situation, or most importantly, other's privacy and information shared with me in confidence.

 

In terms of a correct way? All I can say is balance. Too much privacy suffocates you. Too much openness leaves you vulnerable in specific instances. I think it boils down to, you filter what you say as you gauge the situation, but you're not afraid to be open when you meet an individual who can be open. At least for me, it's pretty easy going.

 

Anybody can ask me anything at all and it doesn't make a difference to me what the content is.

[Homer]

4 hours ago, Birlow17 said:

I don’t know which is the correct way to live.

The "correct" way to live is the one that suits you best.

 

 

4 hours ago, Birlow17 said:

Does the need to be private just stem from fear? Fear of being judged and seen by others. I don’t know why I feel like a coward living a private life sometimes.

Maybe. Maybe not. Personally I don't like people much. There's a handful of people I trust and who I'm as open with as can be, but why would I do that with others who I don't even want to engage with. I don't care about the opinions of these people either, so what they think of me is completely not interesting at all. Public figures are not a good measuring stick at all IMO.

[Guest]

I'm a fairly private person by nature. I'll tell just about anything to the people I like and know well, but everyone else only knows basic information about my offline life (if they're from the internet) or hobbies and communities I frequent (if they're from my real life, like a colleague, local friend, or some other type of connection). I'm also not a big social media user, in that I only really have an active profile on LinkedIn and all other accounts I have on social media, I use only when they have a purpose (such as my art accounts when I have something new to upload, or my Google account because it's connected to my phone and it makes it easier to update applications and all that jazz).

 

There are several reasons why I talk relatively little about work, and the reason why I talk very little about the rest of my day (that is, the time I spend not working) is that it's usually uneventful and doesn't make up for a good topic of discussion. Instead, I talk about the things I enjoy doing or whatever caught my attention in recent times which I feel is worth sharing.

 

There's no such thing as only one possible interpretation for someone's behaviour. Different people do the same thing for different reasons. If you feel comfortable with your lifestyle, I don't think you have reason to worry. If you don't feel comfortable, then you should start asking yourself where that discomfort comes from. Is it from a preconceived notion of "right" or "wrong" in terms of how you "should" live your life, or is it more deeply rooted? Are you simply feeling the effects of peer pressure, or are you fundamentally dissatisfied with certain aspects of your daily life? If it's the latter, then zero in on the specific source of your dissatisfaction and try to think of a possible solution.

[Rynn]

6 hours ago, Birlow17 said:

Does the need to be private just stem from fear? Fear of being judged and seen by others.

For me it does.

It's not a good thing. It keeps me from really connecting with people. It impacts my confidence, because I never really know if I'd be accepted by the people I care about if I did tell them the truth. It's been a major theme in therapy for me.

 

5 hours ago, PanFicto. said:

Well introversion and extraversion are a proven scientific thing.

I don't think it's the same thing as introversion. You can be introverted and still tell people things about yourself. You can be extraverted and still keep your true feelings to yourself.

[Guest]

I wouldn't say it is a sweeping motion statement, as some are private due to a requirement in being so.

 

I.E You work for the Queen, as her bodyguard, and you won't even be allowed by contract to even tell your closest family what you do as a living.

 

Celebrities in some instances, are incredibly private, as being too open can be downright dangerous.

 

But also, to protect their family, from the scathingly hot white spotlight that is fame. Privacy is an incredible luxury, when you can do something like walk to a grocery store, an not be hounded for autographs. Why subject your entire family to this, by airing out all their names?

 

So, its incredibly dependent on the individual.

 

I can as a result, only speak from personal experience.

 

I used to be painfully shy as a child, and as a result, was incredibly reluctant to open up about myself. I had this almost phobia of being judged for who I was, so held my cards insanely close to my chest.

 

I obsessed about what others thought about me, with every single interaction replaying how I screwed up, could have done differently, etc.

 

I was afraid.

 

It hampered my work relationships early on, as I gave people little to go by, again--afraid of judgment.

 

It took a few humiliating events, to slowly start chiseling away at this. I.E A presentation in front of hundreds, when I froze and lost my train of thought I had so carefully planned, allowing my anxiety to take over. The laughter from the crowd, I will never forget. I was mercifully bailed out by the lead presenter.

 

In a sense, a pile of these events hardened me, to where I slowly stopped caring of what one thought of me.

 

I don't know if I would say my open nature is fearlessness. I just don't care anymore, haha.

[Birlow17]

On 3/13/2021 at 1:32 AM, E said:

It just hit me one day. We waste so much time trying to be something we're not, hide what we are, and conserve our thoughts and feelings because half the time we're so afraid or overworked about how others feel, and then we die at random. And I said to hell with that. My life, I can do whatever I please and I don't give a shit about anybody's take on it because they don't walk my shoes. I still withold information from time to time, but that's more based on who I gauge can handle it, or the situation, or most importantly, other's privacy and information shared with me in confidence.

This is exactly the epiphany I had. It’s how I want to live. I think I’ve been private in terms of not broadcasting my life which has been fine for me. But I do admit in the past I’ve avoided questions or been vague and have even lost out on some potential friendships because I was too private and protective. Now I don’t even know why I was being protective. I’m not doing anything special with my life either. I’m going through life like everyone else. 
 

The thing I’ve kept the most private is what’s on my heart, what I’m feeling and my opinions. I thought being “private” and being seen as a blank page would help me in public situations for careers etc. But I’ve just been feeling suffocated. I hate having to hide my facial expressions in public honestly. I just want it to appear as whatever I’m feeling. But people also take advantage of that which is one of the reasons I’ve always kept to myself in that regard. 
 

I really like everything you said. I’m still comfortable living a private life but I don’t want to hide my opinions or be vague with people anymore. 

[Birlow17]

On 3/13/2021 at 3:01 AM, Homer said:

There's a handful of people I trust and who I'm as open with as can be, but why would I do that with others who I don't even want to engage with. I don't care about the opinions of these people either, so what they think of me is completely not interesting at all. Public figures are not a good measuring stick at all IMO.

This is all I care about too. As long as I’m open with the people I like and care about then that’s what’s important. 
 

also yeah I figured they weren’t but since they’re plastered everywhere I always compare the longevity and sincerity with those who are private and those who are open since I can’t really do that for everyone else

[Birlow17]

On 3/13/2021 at 5:51 AM, `Silver said:

Are you simply feeling the effects of peer pressure, or are you fundamentally dissatisfied with certain aspects of your daily life? If it's the latter, then zero in on the specific source of your dissatisfaction and try to think of a possible solution.

I don’t feel pressured to give in and offer my privacy. I think it’s the latter of being unable to connect fully and make friendships because I’m such a private person in the beginning it probably ruins things. I can’t show all of myself to people right away and I’m envious of those who are just open on first meeting. 
 

Naturally I just don’t think I’m someone who can reveal my cards meeting someone for the first time unless I can see they’re someone who is sincere and trustworthy. 
 

I guess I feel lonely sometimes being “private”. I’m always cautious. I’m careful with what I say, I overthink. But those things are just me and I wouldn’t try to change it. I just wish I felt more comfortable revealing my facial expressions and what I’m feeling in public without being a prey to others once I reveal my vulnerability. 

[Ortac]

I think in my case, yes, my desire to be very private does come down to insecurity and fear. I think those feelings of insecurity and fear trace back to very negative experiences throughout my teenage years at school where I was not accepted by any of my peers and was always mocked and ridiculed as the weird kid. Even though that was, heck, well over twenty years ago, those teenage years are such crucial years of one's life, and experiences of being bullied then can have a lifetime impact.

[Birlow17]

7 minutes ago, Ortac said:

I think in my case, yes, my desire to be very private does come down to insecurity and fear. I think those feelings of insecurity and fear trace back to very negative experiences throughout my teenage years at school where I was not accepted by any of my peers and always mocked and ridiculted as the weird kid. Even though that was, heck, well over twenty years ago, those teenage years are such crucial years of one's life, and experiences of being bullied then can have a lifetime impact.

Do you feel like you’re missing out on anything with the way you live now? Or are you comfortable with living a private life 

[Ortac]

2 minutes ago, Birlow17 said:

Do you feel like you’re missing out on anything with the way you live now? Or are you comfortable with living a private life 

Difficult to say. I am certainly not uncomfortable living a private life. However, I think if I am being totally honest, I would have to say yes, I do feel like I am missing out on certain things because of my need for privacy. I sometimes wonder what social and career opportunities I might have missed out on by not being all over Facebook and LinkedIn.

[Guest]

On 3/13/2021 at 11:51 PM, Rynn said:

I don't think it's the same thing as introversion. You can be introverted and still tell people things about yourself. You can be extraverted and still keep your true feelings to yourself.

I was just speaking in general. For example on facebook extroverts are more likely to be posting multiple pics of them with all their friends and out having crazy parties, updating people on all the stuff they're doing. And introverts are more likely to be private with the things they're doing like if they're at home reading a book they're not taking a photo of them doing it and posting the photo to Twitter hoping to get lots of comments and likes. Of course that's not the case with all extroverts and introverts though, I'm just talking in general.

 

It's not cowardly to not want the whole frikking world to know what you're doing regardless, it's sensible. 

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, Birlow17 said:

Do you feel like you’re missing out on anything with the way you live now? Or are you comfortable with living a private life 

I know the question wasn't aimed at me but I'm extremely private as in: I have zero friends, no one in this town even knows my full name (I've lived here for 10 years) and I have never allowed a visitor into my house. I never reveal private details to the people I have to speak to. I prefer it this way. I'm 'missing out' on the drama and exhaustion of having to deal with people, which quite frankly is something I'm eternally grateful for!! : D 

[Birlow17]

On 3/14/2021 at 5:34 PM, PanFicto. said:

I know the question wasn't aimed at me but I'm extremely private as in: I have zero friends, no one in this town even knows my full name (I've lived here for 10 years) and I have never allowed a visitor into my house. I never reveal private details to the people I have to speak to. I prefer it this way. I'm 'missing out' on the drama and exhaustion of having to deal with people, which quite frankly is something I'm eternally grateful for!! : D 

Do you feel lonely? Some days it feels really good but wouldn’t it be lonely after awhile. I always thought I’d get my own place, travel alone etc. And I was even enjoying quarantine since my lifestyle didn’t change. But now that’s it’s been almost a year I feel lonely these days so I can’t imagine how it is for you. 
 

I’m really starting to see things differently and I wonder why I was private to begin with besides my introverted nature. I had this thought that scared me “I’m going to die and have shared my heart with no one”. Living an existence reserved and to myself seemed scary once I thought like that. I’ll still do what comes naturally to me but I think I’m going to start being less vague with questions that are really no big deal. And for others I’ll still have boundaries. What’s it like for you 

[Sally]

No.  Some people may wish to be private due to being fearful of being in society, but that doesn't mean that the wish to be private is caused by fear.  There are many reasons to wish to be private.   

[Cimmerian]

Interesting thought! I think it can be from both, as well as other things; protection, awareness, comfort. I don't think either is the correct way to live; everyone has different combinations of being open and private and will land on what is right for them.

 

I'm private for a lot of reasons: people naturally use what they know and I see no reason to tell people whom I am not close to any details that they may find a way to use against me (sort of a mix of awareness and protection). I'm not afraid of how they'll see me because of it, I just see it as practical to not give people (who I may know little about or whom may not be good or trustworthy people) information that they might try to use in a negative way. They have no reason to know any such details.

 

It's also most comfortable to only share private details with people you're closest to and trust and adds a richness to those relationships because they are not details shared with everyone. Sometimes I feel like being private let's me stay more sincere because I'm not putting myself in a situation where I feel a need to share and then have to either lie to someone or say a truth that one of us is uncomfortable with - I can say that's private and something I don't discuss.

 

It's natural to see someone being open about a detail you share and wondering if you should be to, but we all have different circumstances and comfort levels so you're not being any less sincere by not sharing it.

[AceLoner]

That's a very good question. I'm a total prived person. I don't have any social media. And here ,is the first time in my life that I'm on a forum and writing about my thoughts and feelings.

I generally don't have the need to share my life with others,I'm a very solitary person. And that for all of my life. I feel compled in my self and solitude.l feel relaxed and save in my self and my thoughts and feelings are mine and I don't won't others to have access to them.its inveasive for me.

If I feel I strong connection with somebody then I let them in to my world...

I'm very disconnected from the world and I like that this way.

 

[FauxDandy]

I can definitely relate to a lot of things said in this topic. I'd consider myself a private person but feel not everyone would agree with that statement. I find myself preferring to keep details about myself private and don't tend to put myself out there when it comes to interacting with others but I don't shy away from situations that may cause social interaction or draw attention to myself. Like I've recently taken up skateboarding and stand out like a sore thumb since I'm using a helmet and pads (I'm nearing 30, I can't take a fall anymore haha). Now I'm happy to just do my own thing and will try give space to others since I'm happy doing my own thing but every now and again people will come up and start a conversation or give advice on tricks I'm attempting. In a situation like that I'm perfectly fine interacting with them and won't try shut them down or close the conversation but I just let it take it's course and move on once it's over. I'm just not the kind of person who feels like every interaction needs to be a meaningful one or every stranger is 'just a friend I haven't met' (is there anyone who thinks like that? lol). If you're like me and completely content with the life you're living I wouldn't worry about how the other half live, just keep doing you and if you have any desire to expand upon your bubble well making a topic like this seems to be a good start to getting some conversation going with like minded people.

[Killua]

For me, I don't think i often show myself 100%. I think it's partly because I'm insecure and I have a fear of judgement, however I think it's also because I don't feel like people will understand me. I have lots of supportive friends, however I think someone really understanding your experience is something that is meaningful.  It's hard to describe your inner psyche to other people; its a combination of many things for me. Ironically I'm much more open to complete strangers on the internet, probably because I'm anonymous and I don't have to worry about others making a false preconceived notion of my persona that i'll forever have to act and abide by, or deal with the knowledge of knowing someone knows me by name and face and can judge me forever. However I think a lot of people just don't have a need to share things with others, I'm not really one of those people but it sounds like a nice and secure life.

[Howard]

I think there is a confusion on this thread on being private, someone having a schizoid personality (or being asocial for other reasons) and being an introvert. Being introvert, like some other posted commented, simply means you recharge your batteries when alone rather than other people. It has nothing to do with insecurities or fear. Then there is asocial people. They may have different diagnostics, like schizoid personnality disorder or avoidant personnality disorder. Those people (which I am part of and seeked therapy for) is more rooted in a mix of fears, insecurities and contempt. That is problematic because we are agrarian creatures and pauses several difficulties, like social phobias. Then there are people who are just private. It may be rooted in insecurities but it's not a problem to their daily lives. Considering it's not a problem, who cares really what the root cause of it is?