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Partner says he's ace but...


umpteenthtime

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umpteenthtime

We've been dating for over a year now and a few months ago my partner told me he is ace but still wants to get married to me. Is it fair to be worried that because of the insular religious world he grew up in that him identifing as ace may just be a step towards him realizing that he is gay? I have seen this happen many times with gay men in such a strict community when they repressed their feelings for so long. how do i know this is not the case

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spencexists
4 minutes ago, umpteenthtime said:

We've been dating for over a year now and a few months ago my partner told me he is ace but still wants to get married to me. Is it fair to be worried that because of the insular religious world he grew up in that him identifing as ace may just be a step towards him realizing that he is gay? I have seen this happen many times with gay men in such a strict community when they repressed their feelings for so long. how do i know this is not the case

A common misconception is ace people are just premature gay people, that really isn't true. You're partner probably isn't gay if he wants to get married to you. Just remember religious ace people don't identify as ace because they are scared of being gay. Good luck and I hope you love him!

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As an alloromantic ace myself, wanting marriage and being ace don't really feel like they have much to do with each other outside of finding a partner who understands me not having sexual attraction. It's the same for me as any other good marriage out there except for the fact that one type of attraction doesn't really contribute to the actions within the relationship, if that makes sense. 

The way you are worried, however, makes me wonder if some of his behavior seems off or non-committal? I would say that the behavior isn't necessarily coming from not being the sexuality he has expressed but more likely other doubts- it might be a good idea to have a conversation about how you feel and see if you can ease his hesitance and make you feel more secure in your relationship. 

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2 hours ago, umpteenthtime said:

We've been dating for over a year now and a few months ago my partner told me he is ace but still wants to get married to me. Is it fair to be worried that because of the insular religious world he grew up in that him identifing as ace may just be a step towards him realizing that he is gay? I have seen this happen many times with gay men in such a strict community when they repressed their feelings for so long. how do i know this is not the case

I think you should discuss it with him!! Also would you be happy in a sexless marriage if he is ace? :)

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On 3/10/2021 at 3:38 PM, umpteenthtime said:

We've been dating for over a year now and a few months ago my partner told me he is ace but still wants to get married to me. Is it fair to be worried that because of the insular religious world he grew up in that him identifing as ace may just be a step towards him realizing that he is gay? I have seen this happen many times with gay men in such a strict community when they repressed their feelings for so long. how do i know this is not the case

I think a more important question is whether you would be happy in a sexless marriage - because that is likely the result if he is ACE or if he is gay. 

If you are happy in a sexless marriage, then the question is if he is not ACE, do you care if he has sex with other people?

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Hello, @umpteenthtime

I agree with @uhtred here.

If you can be happy in a sexless relationship, then why does it matter to you whether he is ace or gay?

 

Maybe I’m wrong, but it feels as if you have this fear that a gay guy will eventually leave you whereas an ace guy won’t. And neither is correct – there are repressed gays who spend their entire lives with women they love (love as human beings, as family members etc.). And ace guys are as capable of walking out on their family as sexual guys.

So whether he’s ace or gay doesn’t indicate that you can or can’t be happy together.

 

You need to ask yourself – is what you have now enough to make you happy?

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anisotrophic

I’d be miserable if someone I love were repressing themselves, hiding who they “are” from me and themself.

 

It’s not really about the sex as an interaction, it’s about honesty and trust. Honesty with oneself is a prerequisite to honesty with others.

 

worse yet would be to have a partner realize he’s gay and proceed to hide it & have affairs while leaving a partner in the dark.

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