Miss Understood

[Miss Moon]

Hello- 

My fiancé andI have been together for 8 years now. When we first met we were very intimate all the time. I know that’s usually how it is in the very beginning but this went on for many years and then suddenly stopped in what felt like over night. We used to sleep together, spoon, hold hands and have what I thought was a healthy attraction to one another. After things slowed down immensely I asked him if it was me? He said no and that he just doesn’t get aroused like other men do. He said, I’m not like other men who just have a boner all the time. I’m sorry but if a person is asexual they should be expressive about this upfront in the beginning of a relationship. It has now been 8 years and I feel like I’m somehow unattractive and something must be wrong with me!

he says it’s not but how can a person feel cherished and loved when there’s very little contact especially after there was so much for so long?! 
it’s so hard for me to believe that it’s not me and now I’m not sure I want to continue on with him ;( I have been asking myself lately whether or not I’d be happy living my life with him this way and the answer is no. I require physical touch, that makes me feel secure and loved from a partner. I don’t understand someone who doesn’t, to me that’s like being with a cold fish. 

[Borderline]

  Take my advices with grain of salt, I have no personal relationship experiences, I guess I don't feel romance, stuff. I might be answering this just out of boredom, srry.

 

 

   If they are telling the truth, as we should assume, there is nothing wrong with you. They just. . . you might need to ask then why they kept shut 'bout it for years, acted against their natural tendencies or so-on. There might be layers of not understanding themselves, trying to be as "one should be", loving you & pushing to do sensual stuff for you. I dunno. But most likely there is nothing they changed because of you. Not that the motives are necessarily needed for you to decide what to do.

  What matters is that the arrangement between you two ceased to be good or satisfying for you. And that the old way of things wasn't as good or satisfying for your fiance as they let you understand. And that this situation didn't come from maliciousness, or from you doing something wrong. (I assume, it is most likely so)

  I have zero relationship experience, but you have clearly communicated that for this level of relationship you feel need for the physical closeness & touch. As it isn't about sex but whole lot bigger part of your daily lives, if you really need it, you indeed might need to replace the whole position with someone who can fulfil that need & feeling. Unless you feel that you could get that level of closeness from someone else, while still being together with yer fiancé. If that sounds like a satisfying possibility. Or if it isn't uncomfortable for them, ask them to give you some physical touch now & then, not necessarily as much as you two used to, but for you & the two of you, some of that what you love, but only if it isn't bad for the fiancé. But anyways, do talk to them first. Come to mutual understanding, you two can remain friends & love each other platonically even after this, if both of you want it. Or you can understand the situation further & with the new clarity come up even better solutions. First solution doesn't need to be perfect, just as long you keep on striving for what you want, tho always you can't have everything, who cares.

 

  Just food for thought, I definitely don't know what you should do, think about it yourself, think about it together, come up with a solution that is the best for both of you, that hurts the two of you least on the long run. Or something.

  Hope this was of any help. Give yourself time, this is a big decision for you & for you two.

[Miss Moon]

Thank you for your insight with this... It really does help to get a different perspective. A few of the things you mentioned make a lot of sense to me.

I would never want to hurt him over this, I guess that’s why I’ve been going along with it for so long now. At this point it’s starting to hurt me though, and he doesn’t seem the slightest bit bothered by it.

I’ve mentioned how I feel several times believe me, I get the same response each time. 
The thing is I love and care for him very much; I wonder tho.... am I staying because I don’t want to hurt him by leaving or because I think things might change down the road. In either case, I’m not sure their the right reasons. 
He still talks about our wedding plans so that tells me he must care enough, that’s why I don’t move on. I don’t like the thought that Sex should define a relationship...sex isn’t love, love is love. We are great friends and have a lot in common and share many of laughs. Sometimes I wonder if that’s way more important than the other stuff. I was previously married before we met, 18 years! My previous husband was a sex fanatic. All the time, here there and everywhere. While that to me was too much I’m now at the other end of the spectrum, experiencing each sure makes me wonder. 
maybe what you said about ‘seeing if I could for-fill that need elsewhere is an option to make this work. I’m not sure how I would go about that tho. Do you mean having a person on the side or something else?

[Borderline]

😐 Sorry for no reply ever, I take huge breaks from here, you might not even see this ever. . .

 

 Whatever you can make to work. One night stands, someone one the side, what ever, as long it is okay with both of you (you & your partner), communication & mutual understanding. I don't know that much of these, just happen to know one couple with asexual & allosexual making it work. If I remember right they  agreed for the sexual partner to have one-night -things.

 

Him not being bothered by your pain doesn't' sound good, I hope it's more due miscommunication. This is potentially rest of your lives, will you be truly happy with no sex for ever? Will he be happy knowing it being so? If there's stuff to be solved, stuff to be properly talked about, do it before marriage, preferably.

 I'm positive things won't change along the road, at least for him, at least regarding him not wanting sex. And if he were to give you as often as is comfortable for him, is that enough. I dunno. Don't stay for just him. Stay for you. Stay for two of you. Or leave for two of you & you. It is your life, you are allowed to be selfish if you need to be.

 But yeah, I don't see your whole picture. How you do feel, how you'll be happy, or at least not hurting.

 

Shame no others commented on this, more perspectives, especially from people with relationship or asexual-relationship experiences, would have been neat.

[AbbySaysHi]

Hello, I’ve found that communication is key. You need to sit down and hash this out with your husband, and after that you can do a few different things: continue the relationship without sex, continue the relationship and your husband will try to be more intimate, continue the relationship and have condoned sex outside of the relationship, or end the relationship. It’s a hard line and I’ve only ever been on the other side of this, but I hope that all is well for you.