I feel confused...and so many other things

[Alistarj]

Hey everyone, my name is Ryan and I am a 37 year old sexual male. I have been in a biracial homosexual relationship with a 27 year old male for 20 months. We started talking on a chat/hookup site one day and met a few hours later for drinks. We dated for about three months before we became an "official" couple and have been together ever since. We started living together in separate rooms at my condo  and then earlier this year in our new apartment in a different city.

 

We've never had sexual relations of any kind, and besides pictures we've never seen each other naked. I've tried a few times to initiate sexually with him and he has rebuffed my advances. Initially he told me it was because he was afraid he might have an STI, so we went together and got full panel tests done and he was clean (I am HIV positive, undetectable, and told him the night of our first encounter.)

 

When we received the results he still felt unsure about his test results and said he wanted to get another test done, so I convinced him after a few weeks to go to my urologist and have another test. He never called them back for the test results after his visit. He then told me he might be asexual. I suggested  he/we might try speaking with a therapist because in his past relationships he has been sexual. He said he would think about it, but every time I bring it up now he gets defensive amd shuts down, and I just don't know what to do. 

 

He masturbates to porn, but he tells me it is more the story than the sex that gets him off. I suggested maybe sometime we could just lay together in bed naked to get comfortable with each other, but I've gotten to the point where I hesitate to bring anything up because I don't want him to get defensive.

 

Sex isn't a be all and end all for me, but I would be lying if I didn't say I am extremely sexually attracted to him. I try to be understanding and patient with him, but some days I just feel incredibly sad that I finally found a man I love and who loves me back, but as of right now has absolute zero sexual desire for me. I hate to make it about myself but it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.

 

We got engaged a few months ago and I don't regret that at all, but I never imagined my marriage would be a sexless one.

[Bats and Books]

First, I wanted to say that it's great that you're looking for more information in order to better understand your partner.  A lot of sexual people don't bother, and it means a lot. I would like to clarify that being asexual doesn't necessarily mean that a person doesn't have or even want to have sex. It also doesn't mean that they don't masturbate.  All it means is that they don't feel sexual attraction.  I can't say anything for sure about your situation, since I naturally don't know you or your partner, but it sounds like you and your partner need to sit down and have a conversation about your respective needs and expectations of your relationship.  Some asexuals are fine with having sex, some are only comfortable with certain sexual activities, and others don't want to have sex at all.  Some asexuals who are in a relationship with a sexual person are even okay with their partner getting the sexual desires fulfilled with other people.  It really depends on the people involved.  

 

I really think the best way to move forward is to communicate with your partner. I hope that things go well for the two of you, and congratulations on your engagement!

[FJO8]

I agree with Bats and Books, and want to add it goes both ways: If there are desires he cannot fullfill, you won't be happy longterm. He won't be happy either if he has the feeling of not being understood. I don't think sending him to therapy is the best solution, it gives the impression of him having an illness when he actually just has a different sexual orientation than you.

It is already to 'make it about yourself', you have expectations, neeeds and desires as well as your partner. As long as you don't force each other into habits that are unhealthy for one of you. To communicate it honestly, as unpleasant as it may be, might be the only solution.

[Acecream]

For me it seems important to add that there is NOTHING wrong with you! Please don't think so.

When he is asexual it's just his sexual orientation and this is nothing you can change. It's an acephobic prejudice that asexuals “just need the right partner” to have sex: you might be the best partner for him and it still doesn't change anything.

on the otherside there is NOTHING wrong with him too. It's not his “fault” that he doesn't want to have sex (there are sex favourable aces and sex repulsed ones and a lot of others; it’s a spectrum). I understand that he gets defensive when you bring the therapy-thing up, because asexuality is nothing to give a therapy to. It's like to make a therapy because of your homosexuality. That's violating bullshit. I think you may agree.

 

I never was in a (sexual) relationship (I'm aromantic too) so I don't want to give you an advice how to go on, but I agree with the others: the best way would be to talk about how you may fulfil your needs without crossing his line.

 

I wish you two all the best!💚

it's great that you are here to inform you:)

[anisotrophic]

Hey @Alistarj my biggest piece of advice is to avoid focusing on the word “asexual” too much. I think it communicates that someone feels an absence of “typical” sexuality, but what that absence is can vary wildly.

 

I’m going to follow with an example of my own idiosyncratic spouse...
 

I’m FtX trans, on T for 1.5 years now, and my cismale husband of a decade and a half is very comfortable with having sex, provided it’s initiated by someone he likes and is comfortable with (I don’t think he needs to feel strongly for them). He’s aroused by emotional state combined with physical touch. However, as he tells me, he doesn’t think about it at all: thinking about it or talking about it won’t arouse him, nor porn or other erotic mediums, and if he goes solo he’s not thinking about anything (this is very rare to happen anyway). He seems to have no gender preference, no preference for body type things, and no repulsion — although he agreed that if I were literally smeared in shit that might put him off. Once aroused, he’s more comfortable having the person (well, “me” for the past 15 years) making the decisions and requests — probably because he literally doesn’t think about it, so he has no opinions. Flirting seems stressful for him to receive because he is incapable of being interested in it until he’s aroused (it feels like a chore until he’s actually doing it). He’s kind about my own sexuality and supportive of me dating others someday, which I haven’t yet but maybe eventually, because he doesn’t like feeling like he’s deprived me in my own sexuality, and he loves me, and it removes pressure on him to be something he’s not.

 

Honestly it’s mind boggling to me sometimes that he’s so incapable of thinking about sex to the point that he seems to have no orientation at all, but still seems to enjoy the act. His physiology works fine. His orientation is like an inert substance. It really hurt to understand all this, which was a few years ago now, so I strongly empathize with how painful this can be for someone with more “typical” sexuality. (Even though in my case we do have sex, I still get twisted up in knots over the topic.) You don’t want to be banging random dudes, you want the guy you love, and you want him to want you back.

 

That said, committing yourself to going without for the rest of your life is almost certainly going to be unhappy, especially in the long run. Even if your partner does have sex with you, your sexualities may be too different such that committing to monogamy for the rest of your life causes too much pain. Your relationship is still relatively new; it could be years before you feel capable of being interested in others, but limerence fades over time.

 

One of the hardest things about love can be loving someone for who they are, fully accepting that it may have a profound difference, and sometimes not all what you hoped and yearned for. It can be very difficult. But I think the goal should be to love people for who they are, both ways, including the sexuality they have or don’t have.

My advice is for you to encourage him to pursue therapy (with an lgbtqia+ specializing person or practice) to understand his sexuality and communicate it to you, especially the ways in which it’s not “typical” (and thus something where unconscious assumptions would lead you astray) — not to “fix” him, just to understand himself and communicate it — and therapy for yourself to navigate how you feel about it — it’s uniquely his own, it’s not like my spouse, and not like anyone else’s, orientation labels like “asexuality” might confuse full understanding — to try your best to achieve honest and empathic conversation with each other on the topic, to remove pressure on each other (both ways!) to be things that you aren’t.

 

[PhilGG]

I ... hesitate to suggest this, but could it be anything to do with your HIV status, subconsciously or otherwise?