If you are married to a sexual, have you tried an open marriage?

[La Tache Noire]

I’m in my 50s and am only now waking up to the fact that I am asexual. It explains so many questions, and eases so much anxiety. I’ve been in a committed relationship for almost 30 years and this has been our one insurmountable obstacle. We are deeply attached romantically and emotionally but sex is a problem! Does anyone out there have a successfully open marriage so that the sexual partner can find that physical connection elsewhere? It’s something we are considering for the first time.

[LoveNotSex?]

Short answer: yes, as written here:
 

 

[Dave70]

Married thirty eight years. At twelve years she knew something was “not right” about our sex life. Following the thought that you have to open the door and cope if your loved one flew away, I told her I had no problem with an open marriage and if she found someone she would rather be with, I would give her a divorce because her happiness was the most important thing to me. She thought about it for several days and then than thanked me and said she did not want that. There have been some rough times since then, but we stuck it out. 

Having just figured out there was an “asexual” reality, we have both read Angela Chen’s book and found answers to all the questions that tormented us. We both feel a great sense of relief and closure.

[AceMissBehaving]

Yes, I’m asexual, my husband isn’t, we’ve been married close to 18 years and opened up our relationship back in 2019.

 

He and his other partner just had their 1 year anniversary together a few weeks ago.

 

I’m good friends with his other partner, and we hang out as a group pretty regularly, typically a few times a week. They also do stuff together obviously just the two of them

 

It’s worked well for us so far, he’s been much happier, and so have I

[Rev.Misfit]

I’ll admit I’ve been wanting to ask the similar questions for those who are married to someone who is sexual, and whether they have successfully have had an open marriage. 
 

My husband is sexual, and I am asexual, which he both respects and doesn’t try to change me. And we are rarely intimate, and when we are sexually intimate, I do it for him, but I get nothing from it and would prefer it didn’t happen in general. 
 

We have briefly discussed having an open marriage (quietly, due to his profession), and to see if that could be successful, as another person can give him sexually what I cannot. But he’s extremely loyal, does not betray me in anyway, and would only allow a third of its another female and I’m accepting of the female being in a relationship with both of us emotionally and with him sexually. Otherwise outside that, he won’t consider an open marriage - where he has someone else or I have someone else. 
 

It’s never easy being married to someone who is sexual when you yourself are not and are asexual. 

[hailhummus]

Short answer: yes

Longer answer:
We opened up because my partner came into understanding that she was bi and I wanted her to be able to explore that. I actually came into my understand about a-specness after that. and it's been working out so far. 

If you haven't already, I'd recommend reading up on polyamory resources such as the book 'Polysecure,' 'Redefining our Relationships,' 'The Ethical Slut,' and 'Stepping off the Escalator.' If you use Instagram, there are some good pages like polyphiliablog and radicalrelating

[JaclynA]

I've been married 14 years in a traditional, monogamous relationship. A couple years ago I learned about asexuality and felt it described me pretty well. My husband is a very sexual creature and would prefer to have sex daily at minimum. And for years, we pretty much did. I was getting tired (obviously), so then we compromised to every other day. Oye. After discovering my asexuality and after a lot of honest conversations, we still do it frequently from an ace perspective, probably 2-3 times a week. However, for lack of a better way to describe it, he has lowered his expectations of me during sex. He doesn't expect me to finish every time like he used to (I guess it was linked to his manlihood whether I could finish as well), and sometimes it's just literally 5 min to take care of his needs instead of a full course meal. Also, on his own time he'll watch porn and take care of himself to help give me space, and to give me a longer break than just 2-3 days between sessions. 

 

At this point, I don't think I could endure an open marriage. I wonder about it sometimes and I know people in healthy poly relationships and I fully support those for whom an open marriage works. And honestly, I'm slightly jealous of those who can make it work. But, I just can't. We married young and sometimes I feel bad that I've "trapped" my husband. But he seems content and happy, we check on each other often to make sure we are each getting what we need from our relationship. We're pretty obsessed with each other and are as close to soul mates as you can get. I enjoy flirting, kissing, and hugging so we'll flirt often throughout the day which I think helps as well. Knowing the truth about myself has in a way brought us closer. We always get excited when we learn something new about each other. ❤️ 

[LalaP]

I'm married, with children. I'm not sure if I'm Asexual or just struggling with sex. We're both christians who were virgins at marriage. I don't think I could do open marriage. 

I'm willing to have sex with him, but he doesn't initiate, because he says my body language shows I'm not receptive. 

I know I'm not really adding to this thread, but I wanted to comment somewhere. 

[Tanwen]

On 5/27/2021 at 12:57 PM, LalaP said:

I'm married, with children. I'm not sure if I'm Asexual or just struggling with sex. We're both christians who were virgins at marriage. I don't think I could do open marriage. 

I'm willing to have sex with him, but he doesn't initiate, because he says my body language shows I'm not receptive. 

I know I'm not really adding to this thread, but I wanted to comment somewhere. 

Welcome to AVEN, hope you'll feel at home here. Please don't feel you need to apologise for posting

[MusicSoul]

My partner and I are not married, but we have been together for almost 7 years. He has an extremely high libido and has his needs. I, on the other hand, am discovering that I fall under the ace umbrella and definitely do not have the same level of libido. For the most part I push aside my needs and give in to his because I know the sex makes him happy, fulfills his needs, and the intimacy is important. In the past, when I have avoided sex with him because I don’t want it, I would put a strain on our relationship. We would argue and in the end I always felt like such a shitty and cold-hearted partner. But after reading this post I think to myself, would having an open relationship help in times like this? It’s something he has brought up before (during an argument), but I believe he was only talking from a place of hurt. 

 

The thing is, I don’t believe he would or could have an open relationship because he is too loyal. Also, I personally don’t believe I would be okay with it. I would be too fearful that he would find true happiness with the other partner. Although, if that were the case I would want him to be happy and I would let him go. Not only that, but having a solid relationship (even without sex) is important to me so I would not want my partner to have to go outside of our relationship to find happiness. I sound selfish though because I can’t have my cake and eat it too. 

 

No judgement against those with open relationships because obviously it works out fantastically for some people.

[Fellator54]

Left the building

[DemonicEnby]

Well, am divorced but still living with the ex hubby for the kiddo and that relationship has been open from the start after having monogamous ones failing time and again, so yes, that can work. 

And no the divorce didn't come because of a lack of sex or some such, those were differing other factors which are personal and complicated and won't be listed. 

[Aayesha]

TL;dr answer is yes. 

 

Longer answer is we married at 29 (30 years ago), and both of us had been in poly relationships before we got together and monogamy was deliberately excluded in our vows. We both were of the belief that it is unreasonable to expect a single person to provide all your physical, emotional, social, and intellectual needs.

 

While I was not sex repulsed when we married, I had grown up considering it to be the currency one exchanged for love and affection. It did nothing for me physically, but it was emotionally gratifying to be praised for my skills.  But my husband eventually realized that I considered physical intimacy to be something of a contractual obligation, it put him off. He's wired to find the most satisfaction in giving pleasure to his partner, and the more he tried with me the more uncomfortable I found it. Eventually, after about 10 years, we chose to sleep in separate bedrooms because he refused to pressure me for sex, but if he experienced an erection in his sleep as we spooned together, I would wake and feel guilty. Then I'd be resentful for being made to feel guilty by something he wasn't even aware of. But he was not okay with my "let me just get you off so I can go back to sleep" attitude, which I can understand now, but at the time it frustrated us both. 

 

So he has had long term physical relationships with several women over the years since. He's also an extrovert and enjoys having companionship for outdoor concerts and events, where I get anxious in crowds. I tend to prefer relating with people one or two at a time, and I have very close online friends. So we stayed married as we raised our daughter, but reached out in different directions to have other needs met. For the past six or eight years, this has settled into a complicated polycule of entwined interrelationships that span four households in two countries with 12 people at the core. 

 

After some rather unexpected complications that included his elderly and infirm mother having to move unxpectedly into our household that already included my husband's primary partner and her lesbian lover, it became apparent that I needed to relocate to an apartment nearby where I could live alone. I was still visiting at least twice a week to bring Mom large print books or take her on drives to get out of the house, although our options were limited due to the lock down. Sadly, she passed away of a stroke after a few months. 

 

While I no longer consider us to be spouses, my husband and I are still family, and I am still considered to be included in the polycule. We're eventually going to deal with the paperwork for a dissolution, but it's not been a priority. Several members of our polycule are married, but it's often become more a business arrangement to secure things like health insurance or citizenship benefits and has little to do with whom is living with or in a sexual relationship with whom at any given time.

 

But we consider ourselves extended family, which includes getting together every other week for dinner again that we don't have to maintain bubbles for safety during the pandemic, and of course holiday gatherings like Thanksgiving and Yule. 

 

I am a frequent visitor to my husband's house as I use the address for safer package delivery, and make use of the larger washer and dryer there for my bedding. I also like to visit my cat whom I can't keep in my apartment. After a recent hospital stay because I tore the meniscus in my knee, they were coming to my place several times a week to do my laundry, help with house cleaning, ensure I had everything I needed, drop off my prescriptions, etc. 

So that's kind of the extreme other end of what you might mean by an open relationship, but there you go.