Being Ace and having a sexual active partner

[bkrakken]

Hey everyone!

 

Good wishes to you all! I would like some advice concerning being in a relationship as an asexual, with a heterosexual partner. My partner, male, is interested in sex - very much. As I am organizing my thoughts and feelings around possibly being ace, he and I have not had any sexual intimacy (which is a relief for me). He tells me he is OK with this, but I do understand that he is a sexual person and enjoys sexual acts. 

 

Are there people on this forum who identify as ace but have partners who want sex? How do you maneuver this? Do you think it is compatible? 

 

Any and all advice is appreciated.

 

Cheers and be well!

[Thaliaaaaa]

I don't have a partner at all but I have heard of something from another post like

 

''I let my sexual partner have sex with someone else so they fulfil their needs but ask for them to not think of that person any other way than for fulfilling their needs."

 

Of course this wont work for everyone but thats all I know. Sorry if this advice is unhelpful to the situation.

 

 

[GarlicSab]

I get your situation bkrakken.

I mean I’ve got the same issue except that my relationship buddy is pansexual. but I know that he’d try to be very much sexually active but since we’re having a distance relationship it’s not possible (fortunately for me hehe).

but I’ve got this mindset that I want my partner to be happy so I told him that he can do whatever pleases him because I’m not that into having sex etc. like I personally love the idea of an open relationship but this seems to be really hard for many people. 

in conclusion if you’re okay with giving your partner the freedom to experience sexual acts with someone else that might be the best idea since you are not comfortable with performing sexual acts.

otherwise masturbation might be an idea as well, but it depends what your partner seeks in sexual acts (pleasure/physical contact/this form intimacy)

 

I hope I could help u a little bit:)

have a nice day/night and stay safe!

[anisotrophic]

20 hours ago, WinterAlf said:

 

''I let my sexual partner have sex with someone else so they fulfil their needs but ask for them to not think of that person any other way than for fulfilling their needs."

This is dangerous and borderline disturbing: it sounds like it would encourage someone to objectify other people as nothing more than sexual opportunities. (And it’s dangerous because if someone does “catch feelings”, this encourages them to hide it.)

 

Sex is a social interaction. The other partner is a *person*.

 

9 hours ago, theminecorn said:

I told him that he can do whatever pleases him because I’m not that into having sex etc. like I personally love the idea of an open relationship but this seems to be really hard for many people. 

My husband’s told me that but over time it messes me up. I know I’m repeatedly fooling myself into thinking he has desire that’s not really there. Being kind & supportive of open/poly, even if one doesn’t do it, is very helpful. It’s not something one needs to rush into.

[O. Chestnut]

I get your situation as well, because I am in a similar one but my partner does not want a poly relationship and wants a monogamous one. I am also trans and quite dysphoric so I do not compromise in this way but even though I am not sexually attracted to him, I try to please him in a way which does not involve me being naked so if this sounds like you than this might be a solution as well.

Also masturbation and various forms of non-sexual intimacy might help.

 

I think that this kind of relationship can be compatible but there has to be a lot of communication and compromise involved and it is good if you are honest about your needs and the things which you absolutely don’t want to do as well.

 

I hope this helps you at least a little : )

 

[superbrooke3]

On 3/4/2021 at 2:20 PM, bkrakken said:

My partner, male, is interested in sex - very much. As I am organizing my thoughts and feelings around possibly being ace, he and I have not had any sexual intimacy (which is a relief for me). He tells me he is OK with this, but I do understand that he is a sexual person and enjoys sexual acts. 

 

Are there people on this forum who identify as ace but have partners who want sex? How do you maneuver this? Do you think it is compatible? 

 

 

It can absolutely be compatible, just be aware that it does not necessarily make it easy. My husband and I have been happily married for just under three years now. While I am asexual, he is very much not. We have chosen to have sexual relations with each other after a lot of discussion and learning about the other person. This is naturally, an ongoing process.

I think this is necessary to know what you value most in the relationship and how far you are comfortable going before you can make any real decision on what route you want to take. Your boundaries matter just as much as your partner's needs. 

In our case, he needs to have sexual interaction like that to feel satisfied in our relationship. While I am perfectly fulfilled by leisurely cuddles every so often, I have come to the conclusion that my willingness to meet him partway with sex is essential to the continued maintenance of our marriage. (I honestly don't think it is wrong to view things as performing maintenance, just don't call it that to your partner. It will make them feel bad and that is not what anyone wants.) 

He knows that I do not understand the whole sex thing and because of that there is sometimes some conflict that mainly revolves around making sure he feels secure in the relationship (baggage does not do us any favors here). While he knows that sex is not going to happen as it typically would with an allosexual partner, he still needs it to feel at least somewhat "natural". I think this is something you should be aware of as a potential difficult point for both you and your chosen partner if you do choose to engage in sex. It can be a really touchy subject and there is understandably a lot of insecurity that can crop up on both sides of the equation.

Also, be aware that what you and your partner need and are comfortable with can change over time and with more experience. I am more comfortable with sexual relations now (it took a while and patience on both sides has been important), and he has come to the conclusion that he actually needs a little more intimacy overall than he originally expected he would. 

 

Hope this helps maybe a little.

 

TL;DR: You will need to make the decision of what you are comfortable with and what your ultimate goal is in the relationship. What matters most to you will guide your handling of the situation. Just be aware that what matters to your partner is an equally important part of the relationship. These things can also evolve overtime as you both change as people and as partners. Being receptive to those changes is important.

[K9DMM]

On 3/15/2021 at 2:35 PM, superbrooke3 said:

You will need to make the decision of what you are comfortable with and what your ultimate goal is in the relationship.

That really hits home for me. I have been struggling with my sexual GF. My issues are much deeper though I think and I've finally reached out to a therapist to help unwind things but one of the core issues is that I need to be honest with myself and with her about what I really want. I'm learning that sex is not in the cards for me and it's a big deal for her so it's completely unfair of me to expect the relationship with no sex. 

Of course it's a relationship with two people and I'm learning there are things she's doing that are unhealthy too that really are outside this message suffice to say never hesitate to get help if you think you need it. It's really been helping. 

[Nea Rose Symphony]

I'm ace with a sexual fiance. We have to compromise to make things work to keep him happy (which feels like a chore even then). We have two days a week set aside for him to be intimate with me, which mostly works, besides when I'm feeling really blah about it. The days we don't do it feel nice because I can focus on getting freelance art done that needs to get done. We both have our butting heads moments but it takes commitment to make it work through it. Knowing that the other won't leave because of a bad moment

[Rev.Misfit]

Honestly, whether the relationship is compatible may vary from couple to couple. 
My husband and I have been married 5 years and have known each other since high school. Our marriage has “died”, and there is great “distance” between us, and he hasn’t worked on the marriage in two years. 
However. He is respectful of my asexuality, doesn’t ask me to change, and we usually go months or a year+ without sexual intimacy, he hasn’t been unfaithful, nor has he seen someone else for his “sexual needs”. He’s very loyal and faithful. The times we have been sexually intimate, I’ve done it simply for him, but I felt nothing, got nothing from it, didn’t even want to do it, but I did it as for him it’s a way to show he loves me and he enjoys that intimacy with me. No, he doesn’t force myself. I tell myself to do it, difference. Just to clarify. 
For some, being asexual and married to a sexual person, it can work out. Some successfully have an “open marriage”, but that isn’t for everyone. Some have successful “poly relationships”, but that isn’t for everyone. 
I know my husband has approached small discussions about an open marriage and allowing another woman to be a part of our relationship sexually/emotionally, but I’m not sexually attracted to women like he is. 
I’ve met a few couples who have an open marriage where each of them has someone else in their life, but they are married, and it works. 
I would say, if the relationship is healthy, can be compatible for you and the person you’re with and they accept who you are, perhaps being involved with a sexual person can work out. 
you’ll have to figure out what works for both of you, what works for others may not work for you, type deal. 
hope this is helpful! :). 

[meggles]

Hi! I'm ace and in a relationship with an allo. I am sex indifferent, so I'm not sure if sharing my experience might help. In short, I'm willing to have sex if my partner wants it, but I find pizza more exciting. I don't think I need a CW if folks are on this thread, but.... below I'll explain how we make an ace/ allo relationship work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We have an agreement that he's allowed to suggest sex whenever the mood strikes. We have also discussed at length that there are a million little nonsexual things he can do in the moment that make the experience more enjoyable for me. (For example, I enjoy sensory experiences like being scratched really hard). He knows I won't ever initiate.

 

Recently, he was in the mood, and I was more interested in ordering a burger. We laughed about it after I picked up my burger that I was oblivious to his advances, and seemed to be more excited about the prospect of a burger than the prospect of sex. The burger was freaking delicious!

[silv3r]

On 4/20/2021 at 7:40 AM, meggles said:

Recently, he was in the mood, and I was more interested in ordering a burger. We laughed about it after I picked up my burger that I was oblivious to his advances, and seemed to be more excited about the prospect of a burger than the prospect of sex. The burger was freaking delicious!

This is exactly how I feel- told my allo partner once "I'd rather do sudoku." We still (rarely) have sex, and it's a really happy relationship. The biggest thing I've found is that constant communication is super important, to the point it's almost uncomfortably open- but it turns out the most awkward conversation is always less uncomfortable than a sexual situation I'm not into.

[beankat]

I recently came out to my fiancé as asexual. Before I knew I was ace sex stressed me out so much because I so rarely wanted to do it and I always found myself relieved that I don’t have to do it again for a couple of days afterwards. Once I figured out that it wasn’t something wrong with me it actually made it easier. My fiancé and I still have sex, as I am pretty sex indifferent, but now he knows the reasons behind when I say no without there being guilt or awkwardness and I also feel open to initiating if I’m feeling more or less up for it. I try to listen to my body and feelings so that he doesn’t always have to initiate it. One thing that helps me is to treat it like a romantic thing, make the room all nice, and to suggest sex when I’m feeling really strong romantic feelings for my partner or that I just want to hug/snuggle him. I kind of think of this as replacing my nonexistent sexual attraction with romantic attraction. Also being very clear with what you like and don’t like. As for like frequency it depends. I don’t like it to feel scheduled necessarily, and I don’t want it to start feeling like a chore, but I do try to keep track of how long it’s been. Making sure to check in with your partner is important to. You may be fine after 2 weeks of no sex, but they might be having feelings they don’t know how to process or talk about, especially if they are trying to respect your asexuality. 
 

If you find yourself sex repulsed, then the suggestion of an open relationship makes more sense, but I do understand that would be difficult. I could never do that, but I do respect people who have figured out how to navigate that kind of a relationship. really it is a communication question, and seeing if you are both able to meet in the middle. 

[Zagadka]

23 minutes ago, Fanny Magnet said:

Ditch him until you get your head around being ace (or not).

Yea, or... not do that, and consider the feelings of him that they care about and have a relationship with, and care for the interpersonal relationship while sharing with them and figuring things out.