Aegosexuality and Cupiosexuality

[Alollipop]

Hi everyone!

 

I litterally used this forum only once, because I started having doubts about myself, what I felt, my relationships. I started thinking I was asexual because I never felt sexual attraction toward someone. But during the past year I kept thinking that I like sex and masturbation, so was it fair to consider myself asexual? I had a really difficult time understanding myself and what I want, even more difficult is to explain it to other people, who happen to consider me (paradoxically) as an hypersexual person (I had mulltiple partners and I consider myself as pansexual). But something continued bothering me: I continuously felt detached during sex and in order to come, I need to fantasize about something "external" in which I am not involved (yes, while I am actually having sex). Also in my masturbation fantasies I never thought about someone I know. Talking to a friend I felt "wrong", he kept telling me it was impossible, and I felt like an emotionless monster. Another time came out the thing that I don't really have a "type" of person I would like to have sex with. I could have it like "I like red cars, but I wouldn't mind to have sex with red cars", and the person I was talking to just said "so for you everyone is the same", again, another person made me feel like I was an emotionless monster. Today, talking to another friend another topic came to light: I masturbate with fantasies which are not in first person nor in third person (I don't imagine someone doing sth onto me, nor I imagine being in a situation in which I still see myself from an external point of view). I simply think about "other non specific people" having sex or being in a situation, often they also are faceless. In an instagram interview came out that the great majority of the respondants imagine themselves in first person. I started doing some researches and I found this two etiquettes: aegosexuality should be an asexual person who still enjoy masturbating but not imaging someone who knows and cupiosexuals who are asexuals who still enjoy sex only for arousal or other reasons, not for attraction.

 

What do you think? Did someone here had similar experiences? How do you feel? I am really struggling not for an etiquette itself, but to define myself and begin able to enjoy enything without a correlated distress of feeling "wrong". And I need to talk to someone who can actually understand.

 

Ps: sorry if I typed something wrong but I am not an English speaker and I wrote full of emotions ahahah

 

Thank you <3

[AnnaPanni]

Hi!

First of all, welcome to AVEN and have a cake! (included at bottom)

 

I have never been in a relationship nor in partenered experience, but I understand how you feel. I feel no sexual attraction at all, but my libido is very hight and activates at totally random times. I consider myself cupiosexual, but not sure. You can still be on the ace spectrum and have many lables. After all, only you can define what you are. From my point of view it's a mix of both (considering that you enjoy the partnered kind too)

My fantasies are the same too. I mostly have songs or a specific place in my mind, because these can open up a very special feeling to me, somewhat like an ASMR.

You are not an emotionless monster, just an ace. Masturbation and the enjoyment of sex has nothing to do with your identity. Not finding people "hot" or "special" is something that isn't an obligation.

I hope this helps 🤗

 

[everywhere and nowhere]

Anegosexuality is not necessarily about autoeroticism (one can have fantasies without pleasuring oneself) and, in my opinion, also not necessarily asexual (although it's true that it seems much more typical for asexual than for allosexual people). Its essence is feeling detached from arousal and attraction, and its most typical characteristic - having fantasies in third person.

As for cupiosexuality... I don't want to be a gatekeeper, but find it hard to consider it asexual. First of all, it seems to me that "sexual attraction" is a very confusing term. Because of this I support defining asexuality in terms of sexual desire, not attraction. Asexuals are people who prefer not having sex, not people who use very peculiar criteria for choosing potential partners.

However, I also keep thinking about another thing: that "not experiencing sexual attration" and "not finding anyone sexually attractive" sound similar, and yet they are not the same - sexual attraction is more than finding someone sexually attractive (and may even be possible without the latter). What factors guide your choice of partners? Trust, perhaps? Because another important thing to remember is that sexual attraction doesn't have to be based on appearance. It's the most simple version of the "desire without attraction" people's mistake, and usually their misunderstanding can't be reduced to just that - but still it is sometimes the case.

 

Since cake is an asexual symbol (because cake is obviously better than sex ), we have a tradition of serving virtual cake. Here's a lollipop cake for you:

[Borderline]

 Obviously what matters most is how you feel & think, but from my point of view you could be an asexual who also happens to get sexual satisfaction from concept of people having sex. No sexual attraction towards other people. No even that much different feeling between having sex & masturbating. But Aegosexual & Cupiosexual sound very fitting too, if only less known to the public, asexual might be more practical, if ye care about that. As in the end, as someone who lives their daily life without feeling sexual attraction, your experience of navigating in this society is nigh same as that of an asexual, I'd assume, maybe.

 

 

 I'm not on the same situation as you, but as someone who could also be considered Aegosexual: you are normal, this is fine, you are just a human. It might be a shame you can't quite feel some dimensions of attraction as some other people, but so be it. As long you are transparent to your sexual partners, no-one is getting hurt, nothing is wrong. It's fine if you won't immediately feel all good about this, but I hope you can learn to be all right with yourself, it's all that matters, not opinions of us, or any other people.

 

 ((TMI warning?) Me: Someone who never got the memo of "sex should be sexy idea", have had never sex, have had no relationships (sexual or romantic), don't feel sexual attraction to others, might have passing mini-squishes?? rarely, stuff. My whole sexuality, or what of it there is, is directed at spectrum of fetishes (topics are around gender, embarrassing situations, etc), all in my head, never to be acted out, if even possible. I am semi-open about my existence on the ace-spectrum to my friend group, but not open to anyone about the specifics. I masturbate daily, used to wish I could be pure asexual, but gave up & got used to it.)

 

 The terms are guidelines, they help you to describe yourself to others, to structure your self-image to yourself. They don't need to be perfect, what matters is that you are comfortable, find stuff useful & are true to yourself~

 

 Welcome to AVEN!~ 🍰

 

(Hope I stayed enough on topic? Tired.)

[Alollipop]

1 hour ago, AnnaPanni said:

I feel no sexual attraction at all, but my libido is very hight and activates at totally random times.

YES, THIS. I just get aroused randomly, for example while I am studying, and I don't mean I feel a desire toward books ahahaha

1 hour ago, AnnaPanni said:

Masturbation and the enjoyment of sex has nothing to do with your identity.

 

I consider them part of my sexual identity: I know my biological sex, I know my gender and gender expression, I find hard to understanding the sexual orientation (aka attraction?). Yes I consider myself pansexual because there is not a specific "type" or a "gender" that I like, but I ask myself which is the line between "everyone" and "anyone" or "nobody". Romantically I liked very different people. Sexually it doesn't really matter, I'm never attracted nor disgusted. I'm just indifferent. But the "act" itself it's pleasurable (I don't feel pain).

 

56 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Anegosexuality is not necessarily about autoeroticism (one can have fantasies without pleasuring oneself) and, in my opinion, also not necessarily asexual (although it's true that it seems much more typical for asexual than for allosexual people). Its essence is feeling detached from arousal and attraction, and its most typical characteristic - having fantasies in third person.

I didn't know about the first thing, sorry and thank you for the explanation  As I said I just found out about these "categories". Yes I also found an article stating that it was more common between asexuals, that's why I came back here. Yes I feel detached from attraction, and from the person during sex and from the sexual activity, like my body is there enjoying it, but I am not there mentally (I know it's hard to explain). My fantasies are neither in third person, I don't like being in them. It's more like I'm watching a porn or something

56 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

As for cupiosexuality... I don't want to be a gatekeeper, but find it hard to consider it asexual. First of all, it seems to me that "sexual attraction" is a very confusing term. Because of this I support defining asexuality in terms of sexual desire, not attraction. Asexuals are people who prefer not having sex, not people who use very peculiar criteria for choosing potential partners.

Well, I expressed myself badly: I don't feel desire, nor attraction for people, I often said I prefer masturbating than having sex, but still my body "enjoys" it (without orgasm, unless I escape as I said detaching and thinking about something else, not me, not another person).

56 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

What factors guide your choice of partners? Trust, perhaps? Because another important thing to remember is that sexual attraction doesn't have to be based on appearance. 

 

Well, usually I meet someone and this someone wants to have sex, I never "choose" someone first. I kinda let them do. This doesn't mean I have sex with everyone, maybe with who insists more, or yes someone who I find cuter (like I like red cars), but I don't feel the need, the sexual desire to do something. I am never the one who start the thing. If I do (usually in long term relationships, it's because I know the partner likes it and I feel happy to make them happy, but not in a sexual way). 

So the question could be: would I renounce to sexual intercourses? No. Why? I still don't know, I still feel a need for sex even if I don't desire anyone, maybe  it's for some emotional vacuum I am trying to replenish 🤔

 

1 hour ago, Borderline said:

 Obviously what matters most is how you feel & think, but from my point of view you could be an asexual who also happens to get sexual satisfaction from concept of people having sex. No sexual attraction towards other people. 

THIS. I still don't know if considering asexual because I have sex though, even if for other reasons than love/desire/attraction/excitement...

1 hour ago, Borderline said:

 The terms are guidelines, they help you to describe yourself to others, to structure your self-image to yourself. They don't need to be perfect, what matters is that you are comfortable, find stuff useful & are true to yourself~

 

 

Yes, terms will never be enough for all the shades of sexuality, but yes they might help myself understang what I feel and if there are other people similar to me (none of my friends has fantasies in third person or from an external point of view for example).

(Nice name btw  )

 

 

THANK YOU ALL, you are very kind and patient, and welcoming ❤️ 

[A User]

2 hours ago, AnnaPanni said:

 

holy sh*t that looks good

 

Welcome to the forums @Alollipop!!
Have a cake!!

[Tesscupio]

I came specifically to this site because I am struggling with the exact same thing as you are. I am quite interested in sex: pretty kinky and an experimentalist. Which contradicts highly with my lack of sexual attraction. I can find people attractive, but that's it. 

 

I also really relate to the dissociation from myself when getting aroused by sexual fantasies or activities. Although often I can't find the right headspace which results in me not enjoying the sex. 

 

This all feels so terribly confusing. I often ask myself if it is just that I haven't met the right person or that the just isn't a right person. But then again, how do I enjoy sex without sexual attraction?

 

Thank you for letting me know I am not the only one who feels this way 🖤

[stardust628]

"Faceless non-specific people." YES. Same here.

 

Please don't think you are wrong or a monster. There is nothing wrong with you, you are just different than most people, and there are others like you.

 

My experience is similar. When I have sex, I can't think about what we're actually doing, it helps to imagine those faceless non-specific people who are not me. I don't feel there is anything bad about doing that. I consider myself aegosexual.

[Gil12]

Do you mean that you make sex  only with fantasy? Or that you are connected phsyically to the person with whom you do sex but that you don't relate to them at all so that if there was a sex toy that exactly imitate human being it will not make any difference?

I am not judmental, for me if tech will advance to sci-fi scenario where humans are imitated by machines then that will be the reality, i just think that we need to be honest toward the allosexuals , do they really know that you care more about the act then about the interplay of mutual mind and body.

 

[Ettina]

On 3/3/2021 at 4:47 PM, everywhere and nowhere said:

As for cupiosexuality... I don't want to be a gatekeeper, but find it hard to consider it asexual. First of all, it seems to me that "sexual attraction" is a very confusing term. Because of this I support defining asexuality in terms of sexual desire, not attraction. Asexuals are people who prefer not having sex, not people who use very peculiar criteria for choosing potential partners.

Cupiosexual is literally just a subset of sex-positive asexual. Which is a generally accepted category of asexuality, no matter how much you might not like it.

[Sally]

2 hours ago, Ettina said:

Cupiosexual is literally just a subset of sex-positive asexual. Which is a generally accepted category of asexuality, no matter how much you might not like it.

Practically nothing is a "generally accepted category" of anything, as far as sexuality is concerned.  I don't regard cupiosexual to be part of being an asexual.  

[everywhere and nowhere]

7 hours ago, Ettina said:

Cupiosexual is literally just a subset of sex-positive asexual.

"Sex-positive" does not mean "open to having sex". It describes exclusively a political stance on sex and a sex-positive person can be allosexual or asexual, can be sex-favourable, sex-indifferent, but also even sex-repulsed.

I'm repeating it for the umpteenth time, but I find it important for the sake of all the non-sex-favourable sex-positive aces. I am sex-negative myself, so it doesn't concern me that much, and while I don't want to invalidate other people's sociopolitical beliefs - I do think that there is an increased pressure on asexuals to "at least" have sex-positive views, supposedly to show that asexuals aren't "anti-sex". But anyway, there are many sex-positive asexuals - and, given the statistics on personal stances about sex, one can safely assume that most of them aren't sex-favourable at the same time. And they need a way to express their views safely without creating an impression that their sex-positive views mean that they are open to personally having sex.