Asexuals and being childfree

[Guest]

Every time I run across a recent baby photo--which I never look for but finding them is inevitable--I often think "Oh, that poor kid, just starting out".

[riskygamble]

Life has been sort of a cruel joke for me and I'd hate to bring another into it especially through my own will. I'd miss my free time too. I have thought about adoption before but I don't have much of a drive or desire to be a parent and it wouldn't be wise for me to be one either.

[~Nadia~]

I used to want kids, and dreamt of being a mother, but as I got older I realized how tokophobic I am (I'm scared of pregnancy for myself, but I'm not freaked out by other's pregnant bellies, if that makes any sense). The past couple of years has been the time of embracing the childfree lifestyle idea, and I love it more than I did when I was talking about wanting kids someday.

Don't get me wrong, I do love kids, but that doesn't mean I want any of my own (adopted or not). I don't think it has to do with me being Asexual, but it's funny that the childfree realization came not too long after discovery of being Asexual. 😅 Either way, I am more sure about not wanting any kids than I ever was about wanting kids.

[a little annihilation]

Never in my life have I wanted kids, and I've never understood all the girls loving babies and women who say they always wanted to be a mom I'm like my gosh have you ever actually been around a baby? Surely if you had you wouldn't want one anymore. I never wanted kids to begin with, then my mom was a babysitter for the first ten years of my life, and that was fucking hell. Then my mom had a baby when I was fourteen and I am on my last straw with her (she's 2 now). Little kids are a whole 'nother thing. Like, 5-6 years old and up I can totally handle. I like them and they're just fun and yeah there's still disconnects sometimes because I don't know what it's like to be comforted so I don't know how to comfort someone, but overall I'd say I'm probably slightly better with kids than the average person. I've considered adopting because I feel like I'd be a decent mom and I think it'd be fun but I just cannot handle it with beings young enough that they can't properly communicate.

[Ceebs]

On 3/1/2021 at 2:49 AM, Homer said:

tiny Homers

This made me laugh, and also ponder the concept of a child that's part tiny Ceebs and part tiny Telecaster. 😬😂

[PermianElle]

I still remember being at daycare with two kids draped on me, hearing the daycare worker saying 'Elle is going to be such a great mom, she'll have ten kids.' Record scratch. My first thought: 'But who's going to give birth to them?'

 

I don't want kids for many reasons, primarily because I refuse to give birth, but also because I can't imagine enjoying my life if I had children, and I really can't imagine being a good mother to children whose entire existence I resented. I'm fantastic with children because they belong to other people. I'm not responsible, they go home at the end of the day, I can be endlessly patient for a few hours because once they leave I can do whatever I want.

 

Granted, I have received pressure from some family members. My mother gave up pretty quickly after I made it clear that if she wanted grandchildren, she shouldn't have put all her eggs in my basket. She realizes if I wasn't 100% for it, she would end up raising them and she always swore she would be a doting grandmother, but she would never raise her grandchildren.

 

My cousins, on the other hand, pointed out in my grandmother's last chance to have another great-grandson. I told them sure, if I can pay someone else to give birth, feed, and raise the child, we might work something out, but also I'll only accept daughters. So no matter what, grandma has one great-grandson unless her other children any to get to work.

 

Being ace isn't connected, but being ace does mean I'm more resistant to sex. There's family history of surprised pregnancies give too far for an abortion, and since I would rather die than carry to term, I'm very firm in that I'll only have sex if there's love, trust, and a legally binding contract that says they're in for half the expenses if there's an accident that needs fixing. Being ace is actually really helpful, since I can avoid unwanted pregnancies without feeling like I'm missing anything.

 

And yes, I do get 'you'll meet the right man one day and want to have his children.' Um, with how selfish I am, I'm less inclined to have children if I have to share them...

[Aimee03]

On 3/1/2021 at 9:01 PM, Artemis42 said:

I just straight up do not like kids. Never have. I don't know how to talk to them or what to talk to them about, I don't know how to play with them, they're weird and unpredictable and I don't deal with that well. They just make me feel uncomfortable and awkward.

100% the same. I have never liked kids, even when I was one. I never liked anyone who was my own age or younger when I was a kid.

[Artemis42]

30 minutes ago, Aimee03 said:

100% the same. I have never liked kids, even when I was one. I never liked anyone who was my own age or younger when I was a kid.

Lol yeah, as a kid toddlers made me uncomfortable and now as a teenager pretty much anyone under 10 or 12 scares me.

[Slajmy]

Childfree by choice. I would never create a sentient being.

[kashfy]

I don't really care about childrens and i wouldn't want one ever, that's what i know..

[Geekykitty]

I'm happy with my cat baby. I don't want any human children. The idea of being pregnant and child birth all just sounds so horrible to me. And small children are so loud and annoying. I only ever want to be a cat mum 😻

[Sister Mercurial]

On 3/1/2021 at 1:46 PM, Milque Toast said:

The hole process doesn't sound exactly "fun"

Pun intended?    

[Sister Mercurial]

Just no.  Input: 24/7/365 menial servitude.  Output: horrible noise/mess/smells.  Cannot understand why anyone would want to do that.  

[ElloryJaye]

I dislike kids and barely adult well enough to handle my own necessities, so even adopting is out of the question.  Plus, the cats will never ask to borrow the car keys. 🙃

[Libellule]

On 3/1/2021 at 10:41 PM, Libellule said:

I've never wanted kids and for me it hasn't had anything to do with being ace.

Well one year later and I don't identify as ace anymore, but my personal take on having kids has not changed a bit. If anything, the past year has been a massive reassurance that I definitely don't want any kids.

[notactuallymerida]

I’m childfree, but I think it doesn’t have to do anything with being aroace. It’s just that I don’t feel an urge to have them (plus no bio kids because pregnancy and childbirth are some of the worst things someone can do to their own body.) I probably wouldn’t be able to properly care for a child anyway. And the fact that I’m technically fertile makes me slightly dysphoric anyway, so I guess that would only get worse with actually getting pregnant (the thought alone... repels me)

 

I almost forgot to add a question, especially to sex-repulsed aces who want children. I’ve read that some sex-repulsed aces (not on AVEN, I guess it was some reddit sub) would be fine with having sex for the purpose of getting pregnant. Why? I genuinely can’t understand it as there are methods (yes, even at home ones) around this. I’m sex-repulsed and for me sex would be so gross and even traumatising so why put yourself through this if there are other options?

[Nobody2021]

On 3/1/2021 at 4:40 AM, NewStart said:

I am 54 and never had or wanted kids.  I think my father leaving when my Brother and I were still very young has something to do that in part.  I don’t dislike kids, I just don’t connect with them.  I can see puppies and go crazy over them, a baby, meh.  I have family members that have been judgmental over tha fact that I never had kids and that I don’t think they are the center of the universe.  They are the same ones that think I should and deserve to be alone for the rest of my life because I don’t want to have sex in a relationship.

OMG, some of what you said resonated with how I’ve always felt. In general I don’t like kids, I find them annoying, even though it may be more the parents fault than their own, but still. I am the same way with seeing a puppy or a kitten, I lose my $hit when I see that cuteness, but a baby…most of the time I don’t find them cute. 
Since I was a kid And we played house, I vehemently refused to be the “mom”. I’d rather play at being the dog than the mom. And now, I always say, “Ive never heard a single story that has ever made me want kids. Not one.” They all go from bad to worst and thinking of having what is practically a human parasite living inside me just freaks me the f out. 

[Kroete]

I decided on a pretty young age I definitely don't want kids myself. It was pretty spontanous decision, but I just *knew* it. And I also was pretty sure I wouldn't want to marry. The responsibility is just too much to bear, and I just don't feel like having this kind of life.

 

That was when I was around 18yo. Basically, I knew I was aromantic LONG before I even knew this term existed. Nothing about this attidute has changed after all these years. Now I'm 33. I have learned about myself that I'm most happy when I'm alone.

 

Asexuality is a different topic, however. I don't think my desire to not have kids comes from my being ace, more about being aro. But this is also a stretch. Mostly it comes from the fact that I like it to be alone. And I don't feel I'm made for the parent role, frankly.

 

I know to many people who have similar experience, the fact that all the people around them start families, have kids, etc. is terrifying. Not because of the kids, but because it seems to you you aren't "grown up", that you're still like a kid yourself, that all the others play the Life game faster than you. But to that I say: “Bullshit!”. I have absolutely no issue with being alone and on my own, and I don't care what others think about it. The association with adulthood with "having kids yourself" is problematic and needs to stop. Besides, life would be so boring if everyone would follow the same boring script of Life.

[avocato]

When I was younger I think I dreamed of a family, but I didn't necessarily know what that meant. I watched a lot of television and figured that was a "correct" family, but I really didn't know what that meant. I thought I was "supposed" to have children before age 40, but I never really had an overwhelming desire to make a family or have a family. Now, it's a moot point. I'd enjoy fostering or adopting with the right person, but I'd prefer helping out an older child. At least pre-teen. One, I'm over 50 and I don't want to raise a baby. Two, there are more children in the system who don't get adopted out after a certain age, and I'd be willing to provide a home for them.

 

I'd rather do that with another person in my life, though. It'd exhaust me if I fostered them alone.

[CincinnatiAsexual]

I've never wanted to have kids, having coming from a big family where the personalities clash.

 

When my now wife and I started dating, she wanted a lot of kids. Slowly over the years, she has seen that with our lifestyle (sleeping in on the weekends, preferring low-stress environments, wanting the ability to travel), it makes more sense if we don't have any kids. 

 

My siblings who have kids get all the attention, but I'm happy with our choice to not have kids. 

[RoseGoesToYale]

I'm not even ace, but demi, but I've been childfree since the age of 5. In November, I had my body fixed to reflect how I feel inside (I don't want to say gender-affirming, because it didn't entirely have to do with gender... but it was something-affirming). Even if I never have sex in my life, I'm just happy every day that my body's no longer capable of pregnancy.

 

I don't do well around kids. I have trouble understanding them and don't know how to talk them, or really interact with them at all. I'm also just not a natural caretaker*, I often fail to anticipate others' needs. Basically I have no parental instincts, so it works out.

 

*Except with dogs. Dogs are easier to understand than people.

[a little annihilation]

I'm posting on this thread again because the last time I did was two years ago

for me being ace (or demi as I'm feeling like right now) has nothing to do with not wanting children (I don't think human reproduction is ethical) although it's also worth noting that I'm a lesbian and at the moment the only person I would want to have sex with is not capable of getting me pregnant. 

I may adopt when I'm 40-60 because I like children well enough, but that's a big maybe

[Blue eyes white dragon]

On 3/1/2021 at 8:46 AM, Blue eyes white dragon said:

I don't want to birth children. I am open to birthing one, but only one. I have always adored children and taking care of them, but I can only handle babies for a few hours. I've wanted to adopt for a long time, even if I do not get married. When I'm babysitting or at events with children around, they tend to flock around me cuz they trust me and I treat them like actual people not less than. Even young teenagers flock to me, especially ones that not cishet neurotypical ones, because of the same reasons. So you can say that, I already have children, and that is the greatest thing I can do with my life.  

Life went on and I changed my mind...I do not want to birth kids at all, not open to it. I don't even want to adopt AS MUCH currently. Maybe down the road but I'd rather be an aunt or foster. Thank God I have a partner that is also asexual and doesn't want kids that way. I work with children but it's more than keeping them alive, it's supporting them and teaching them and loving them and all that good stuff. In a way I'm already a mother and I like it that way

[Real Estate RICO]

I don't even know at this point.. I'm childfree, but it's due more to the abject fear of:

 

A. Getting someone pregnant in the first place, stemming from how that drastically changes people's lives

B. Getting the wrong person pregnant, leading to...

C. ...raising a child in a society that hates children enough as it is, it gets about 750x worse when you're a Black child.

 

Maybe it’s how I’ve seen my cousin treat her now 10yo autistic son and how she plays victim when someone calls her out on it, or how I live in a place where it’s still socially acceptable to beat kids, or how grown ass adults demand to be treated like children while adultifying actual children…

[CincinnatiAsexual]

Oh, I forgot to add. Before I discovered AVEN or any asexual forums, I ran into a forum called something like Kid Free. I can't find it anymore, but I did find this one:

 

https://wearechildfree.com/about/

[Osiyo_Waya]

I've known I didn't want children since I was a teenager. As the first born of my generation, I spent a lot of time helping take care of and watching over my younger cousins, and at this point I like to say that whatever inkling I may have once had, it's now out of my system. I've given it more thought than I've ever been given credit for and me being ace all but assures it's not going to happen. I'm simply not interested, and any and all other reasons not to have children are superseded by that fact.