finne Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 I am so confused. I know I'm ace and am leaning toward pan-romantic (but that's up for debate I guess) Anyways, I've always been somewhat interested in the possibility of having a partner. I think it'd be awesome to have someone in my life who's a best friend and more. Recently though, I've had someone come into my life who I'm scared likes me. I think they're amazing, we're great friends, and for a while I was questioning if I like them in some way. But now that they've started being a little more forward, saying certain things, dropping hints in a way, I've totally shut down. I don't know what's happening. I thought I liked them but now I feel the total opposite just because they started saying things that implied something other than just a friendship. It was like a switch flipped. The last thing I ever want to do is lead this person on in any way. Does anyone have any advice? Any personal experiences they're willing to share? I just feel so alone right now and don't want to lose this person to a mistake or because I'm so unsure about what I'm feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainy Robin Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 This is hard, I'm sorry. I can't label your experiences, but it might be useful or validating for you to check out some online resources about aromanticism. Arocalypse is an aro-themed forum that's like AVEN, and they have some really useful resources on aromanticism (through their link to the AUREA website) and threads like "You might be aro if..." I'm not saying you're aromantic, but your experience aligns with a lot of other experiences that aromantic people may have, and it could be useful for you to learn more on those websites if you're interested. 58 minutes ago, finne said: Anyways, I've always been somewhat interested in the possibility of having a partner. I think it'd be awesome to have someone in my life who's a best friend and more. How do you define this partnership you're interested in? I thought something very similar when I thought I was panromantic asexual, and when I wrote out all the things I actually want in a committed relationship I realized that the list looked identical to what people look for in a very close friend. Is it possible that you may want emotional intimacy with this person, but not romantic intimacy? In this case, a queerplatonic relationship might be interesting to you and it could be that the person you're speaking about may want a romantic relationship instead. Whatever the case, just know that you're totally valid and whole and there are lots of people who feel similarly or are questioning in a similar way as you are right now. If you're really worried about the relationship with this person, being honest and communicating that you're going through some things right now is a good way of giving yourself some space to figure things out. Also, feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat or get some more resources/support. Link to post Share on other sites
mozart Posted February 28, 2021 Share Posted February 28, 2021 I've also had a good friend who I thought had a crush on me because she kept saying how sweet my voice was. It turned out that she was not into me, and that she just wanted to be friends. I have been wrong about these things so often in the past that I would recommend to not assume that they are into you unless they have told you directly. Also, do you know about Queerplatonic relationships? From what you are saying it sounds like it is what you are looking for. When I discovered the term queerplatonic relationship I suddenly knew what I wanted, and maybe it will help you too. I have also been confused about my feelings for other people, but I found out that I was alterous attracted to many of them. I think it's generally not very well explained how alterous attraction feels like, but I think the following video does a good job of explaining it. Maybe it can help you to determine if you have this feeling or not. Spoiler Link to post Share on other sites
RhysM Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 I know for me (I'm greyace, biro, and I have anxiety) that when this sort of situation occurs, I too shut down. I believe for me this is because I get overwhelmed or overstimulated and naturally reject the situation because of that. My advice, if any, would be to know you aren't alone, your feelings are valid, and take some time to journal or reflect on your feelings in some way. See what happens. Always take care of yourself first! Link to post Share on other sites
finne Posted March 1, 2021 Author Share Posted March 1, 2021 3 hours ago, mozart said: I've also had a good friend who I thought had a crush on me because she kept saying how sweet my voice was. It turned out that she was not into me, and that she just wanted to be friends. I have been wrong about these things so often in the past that I would recommend to not assume that they are into you unless they have told you directly. Also, do you know about Queerplatonic relationships? From what you are saying it sounds like it is what you are looking for. When I discovered the term queerplatonic relationship I suddenly knew what I wanted, and maybe it will help you too. I have also been confused about my feelings for other people, but I found out that I was alterous attracted to many of them. I think it's generally not very well explained how alterous attraction feels like, but I think the following video does a good job of explaining it. Maybe it can help you to determine if you have this feeling or not. Hide contents oh woah okay that makes so much sense thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
finne Posted March 1, 2021 Author Share Posted March 1, 2021 2 hours ago, RhysM said: I know for me (I'm greyace, biro, and I have anxiety) that when this sort of situation occurs, I too shut down. I believe for me this is because I get overwhelmed or overstimulated and naturally reject the situation because of that. My advice, if any, would be to know you aren't alone, your feelings are valid, and take some time to journal or reflect on your feelings in some way. See what happens. Always take care of yourself first! thank you so much Link to post Share on other sites
finne Posted March 1, 2021 Author Share Posted March 1, 2021 3 hours ago, Rainy Robin said: This is hard, I'm sorry. I can't label your experiences, but it might be useful or validating for you to check out some online resources about aromanticism. Arocalypse is an aro-themed forum that's like AVEN, and they have some really useful resources on aromanticism (through their link to the AUREA website) and threads like "You might be aro if..." I'm not saying you're aromantic, but your experience aligns with a lot of other experiences that aromantic people may have, and it could be useful for you to learn more on those websites if you're interested. How do you define this partnership you're interested in? I thought something very similar when I thought I was panromantic asexual, and when I wrote out all the things I actually want in a committed relationship I realized that the list looked identical to what people look for in a very close friend. Is it possible that you may want emotional intimacy with this person, but not romantic intimacy? In this case, a queerplatonic relationship might be interesting to you and it could be that the person you're speaking about may want a romantic relationship instead. Whatever the case, just know that you're totally valid and whole and there are lots of people who feel similarly or are questioning in a similar way as you are right now. If you're really worried about the relationship with this person, being honest and communicating that you're going through some things right now is a good way of giving yourself some space to figure things out. Also, feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat or get some more resources/support. woah yeah okay asking myself what I'd be interested in a partner really does just sounds like a really close friend. Thank you for the perspective and resources, it really helps!! Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted March 1, 2021 Share Posted March 1, 2021 If you only recently met this person and they seemed to want to get close quickly, it's pretty likely that they were hoping for more than friendship. Since at first you were questioning whether you might also want more than friendship, you probably encouraged them. Now you know that you do not want more than friendship with this person and their apparent feelings bother you. Since they are not telepathic, the only thing that will work is to tell them clearly that you are interested only in platonic friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Lytsedraak Posted March 2, 2021 Share Posted March 2, 2021 I would say: talk about it. You can assume things and worry about the things you assume, or have an honest conversation. It's not an easy thing to bring up in a casual conversation, I know that. But.. I know how much I fretted about coming out to my husband as asexual and how he would react and I imagined all the things I had to explain to him, but in the end he wasn't really surprised by what I told him and it went really well. Talking about it will allow you both to say how you feel and then you both can decide on how to go further with it. But, before you talk about it you'll have to have a solid understanding of your feelings and about what you want, so a moment of self-reflection is also needed and no-one can do that for you. I'm not saying everything will be okay when you talk about it, but at least you will know. And since you mentioned you don't want lead this person on in any way, being honest is probably the best thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Bella2be Posted March 2, 2021 Share Posted March 2, 2021 I think it would be best to talk it out with this person. Explain to them that you want a platonic relationship and that you are not interested in a romantic one. Also, you might want to check out lithromantic as a possible romantic orientation. Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted March 2, 2021 Share Posted March 2, 2021 To be clear, do you actually want a committed platonic relationship with this person, or do you literally just want to be friends? If you just want to be friends, tell them so and the ball will be in their court. They may be disappointed if they were hoping for more. Maybe they will need to take a step back until they get over what they may see as a rejection. They could decide to redirect their time and energy to someone with romantic relationship potential. Or they may just want to be friends with you and be pleased to learn you're on the same page. If you want a QPR, that is more complicated. You need to figure out your orientation and what type of relationship you want. Then you need to come out to them and answer their questions. Then you need to explain what you mean by a QPR and ask whether they are interested. Honestly, I don't think it will work well to have a QPR with someone who wants more. Sticking with friendship is a lot easier, and that way your orientations won't matter. Link to post Share on other sites
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