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Naiwen's question for Sexuals and/or Romantics and relationship questions


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What I am missing out by not having sex or being in a relationship? I don't think much, but some guys are trying to coerce me into it by saying I'm missing out on so much by not having it, how does it feel to you sexually? Why do you wanna be with your partner? And how do you feel after being rejected sexually and or romantically? As a sex-repulsed aro-ace, I've only had to reject unwanted and persistent sexual and/or romantic advances to me personally, never seeking it out both online and offline. Some friends I know, and even my own mum, are telling me that "I'm not missing out by much by not having it?“ But I'm wondering to sexuals and or romantics, what do sex and being with someone you love feel like personally for you? I'm trying to understand you guys and why do these guys and girls whom have falling for me want to be with me and see me all the time, I just don't have to see or be with anyone at all myself to be happy as a sex-repulsed aro-ace. 

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People like different things.   Sex means nothing or is negative to you. For other people it is a core part of feeling romantic love. 

 

 

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Padparadscha

I suppose I kind of agree with you, but at the same time, I've also never been in a romantic/sexual relationship, so I can't exactly say whether I find it fun or not. I've been asked out many times, but I always said no. I found it weird because there was actually one person I had a lot in common with, and we could probably talk for hours, but when I discussed this with my friend, she told me if I wasn't 'feeling' something, like some kind of crush or attraction, then that means I only see them as a friend, and it's not worth pursuing as a 'relationship'. I don't feel I'm missing out by not being in a romantic relationship. I have my friends and my family, who are extremley close to me. I think it is those who do not have such a closeness, who would have to go out and find people to be close with, although that's just my personal opinion. I still live with my mum and my brother, who give me hugs and kisses. If I lived on my own, or with a roommate, these things would be a lot more scarce and probably make me a bit miserable. Therefore I would need to find someone to fulfull my hugging needs :)

I guess for someone who is sexual, that might include their sexual needs, aswell.

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PanFicto.
1 hour ago, Naiwen said:

What I am missing out by not having sex

You're not missing anything if you don't want sex. That's like me asking ''what am I missing by not playing rugby?'' .. lol I am 'missing out' on getting my head bashed in tackles, on sliding around in cold mud, on getting stood on with spiky boots. I could have no enjoyment of any of that so I'm not missing anything. But for someone who loves rugby, they'd be missing out on something they love by not doing it,

 

1 hour ago, Naiwen said:

how does it feel to you sexually? Why do you wanna be with your partner? And how do you feel after being rejected sexually and or romantically?

For me personally, sexual intimacy is just a pleasurable and fun aspect of a romantic relationship. You can't experience the same pleasure and fun through other means (it's a very specific type of pleasure and fun) and it's something I strongly desire (physically) when attracted emotionally to someone. I am not sure if rejection would really happen to me, only because I can only desire those things after a bond has already formed, and they often feed in a way off the other person's mutual feelings. So we'd already both be feeling that before I voiced my feelings. If rejected I'd just be like 'okay well you missed your chance' then my body stops wanting it I guess? I am not a typical example of a sexual person though.

 

1 hour ago, Naiwen said:

But I'm wondering to sexuals and or romantics, what do sex and being with someone you love feel like personally for you?

It's just a very strong, very good feeling (both romance and sexual intimacy) and when you're experiencing that with someone else it kind of doubles the feelings in a way. It makes you want to be with them a lot and you can't stop thinking about them. However if they do not return the feelings then you should immediately desist (is that the right spelling? I have no spell check on this chromebook without a mouse lol) and not bug them. Anyone who persists in bugging someone who is clearly not interested in them is just being obnoxious.

 

And let me tell you, as someone who hates having sex if I don't actively desire it, you are missing NOTHING by not having it. If you wanted it but were refusing to have it for whatever reason, then yeah you could be missing some fun times and pleasure, but if you don't want it then believe me you're not missing anything, lol.

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Lara Black

Hello, @Naiwen

You can only miss out on something you love and want but don’t get. When people say you’re missing out on sex, they either still perceive you as a sexual person in denial or just don’t know how asexuality works.

 

Having said that, I feel the need to add that for many romantic sexuals making love is one of the best joys in life. It’s an incredible mix of ecstasy, vulnerability and total trust with a generous sprinkling of simple physical pleasure. And being in love is a natural high that I can hardly compare with anything – you will inspired, happy, energized. Also, of course, it can turn you into a complete doofus – shy and awkward, but for many people love is totally worth the risk.

 

My ace partner makes me so happy that from time to time I do wish he were sexual – not for my own pleasure (he’s great at giving me that) but so that he could feel as good as I do. However I understand that he can’t feel that so coercing him into having sex won’t accomplish anything… but if I knew less about asexuality, I might have tried to persuade him exactly by telling him how much he’s missing.

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About as much as I'm missing out on by not being an aromantic asexual.

 

Like others have said, you're not missing out on anything if you've absolutely no inclination to want it.

 

For me though, life would be lacking a very particular type of beautiful and meaningful joy without being able to experience romantic and sexual relationships. (Romantic and sexual together, I mean. Romance without any sex ever is lacking an essential energy for me, and sex without romance seems hollow and emotionally unsatisfying.) It would also be lacking the comfort and safety and security that come with that type of partnership.

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Or gold-diggers? Have you ever been with one and male or female partner? My poor male friend's partners have all been high maintenance ones, only in it for his money. I tell him to dump her ass, but he's so blind and very much in love with her. I'm pissed off that he can't see that she's in love with his money. Any advice for me please guys? Thank you all. I'm so sick that he's whining and complaining to me all the time on Facebook about spending ridiculous amount of money and being in debts for HIS gold-digger girlfriend. 

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Blue Eyes White Dragon

At that point, you are just gonna have to let him make his own choice. 

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fairyofsuburbia

^ I agree. There's not much you can do about it honestly, except maybe ask him if he has ever talked to his girlfriend about it.

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No, because someone would have to be beyond stupid if they thought I had any money.

 

The relationship is his choice to make, you can't do anything about it.

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If he had money why would he be in debt???

 

Also if he doesn’t wanna listen that’s his problem. 

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It's his relationship, his choice, you can't do anything about it.

37 minutes ago, Naiwen said:

I'm so sick that he's whining and complaining to me all the time on Facebook about spending ridiculous amount of money and being in debts for HIS gold-digger girlfriend. 

How could they be after his money then, if he's in debt he clearly doesn't have any. Regardless, if you are sick of his whining tell him to shut up about it. You can't change his relationship but you don't have to listen to it.

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32 minutes ago, DarkGloomSquid said:

If he had money why would he be in debt???

 

Also if he doesn’t wanna listen that’s his problem. 

He’s spending money he doesn’t have on her.

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7 hours ago, Naiwen said:

He’s spending money he doesn’t have on her.

If she’s aiming for gold-digger status she’s doing it wrong. 

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Lara Black

Chances are, deep inside he already knows/fears that the only way he can earn her love is with money. And he is well-protected from being actually aware of it and actually changing something. Which means that, if you start shoving this knowledge down his throat, he will just push you away.

Sorry to say, I agree with the others – you can’t really help him now. You can wait till it all falls apart and be there to support and suggest therapy so it doesn’t keep happening to him again and again.

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nanogretchen4

The fact that it does keep happening again and again suggests that playing the sugar daddy role is your friend's whole dating strategy. How interesting that he has not run across any independent career women. Maybe he is not looking for them. Either he doesn't want a more equal relationship dynamic or he is not confident that he has anything to offer except money.

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How do sexual and/or romantic people make a distinction between friendship and romantic feelings for someone? For example, a man from 1-2 years ago, from my group therapy has had feelings for me but I've just seen him as a platonic male friend. He's 15 years older for me and I just haven't seen him that way at all for me personally. For example, my best male college friend has had feelings for me for over 15 years, and yet I've never noticed them at all myself? Do aces/aros not pay attention to someone's romantic or sexual feelings at all or is it just me behaving that way personally? My therapist has said that it's a coping and self-defence mechanism in my case. 

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Cocothecoconut

Well some aro/aces and aros do want some kind of a relationship/friendship.

Some aro/aces and aros wants to be in a relationship but don’t feel any romantic attraction. For me personally, i need friendships more than relationships cause i see myself as romance averse/repulsed aro/ace, and then i’m celibate(a decision to never be in a relationship/married). But even though i’m more attracted to fictional characters and don’t feel any romantic or sexual attraction towards people irl, i can be platonic attracted towards them, especially if i know them very well and their personality traits are great. I only feel platonic attracted to people who are nice, funny and can be themselves. But i won’t allow anyone to be their partner. If someone has a crush on me, i don’t stop our friendship but i tell them right away who i am and what i want and don’t want. I know it’s rude to reject their love for me, but you know friendships are more my thing.

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1 hour ago, Naiwen said:

How do sexual and/or romantic people make a distinction between friendship and romantic feelings for someone?

Rhetorical question to illustrate the concept: How do you make the distinction between whether you need to take a dump or a piss? ;)

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Destranix

@CocothecoconutI think now I can better relate that to something I know, thanks. Like you simply want to be friends with a person because you think they are somehow intresting or can be valueable in a (more or less) specific manner.

 

This sounds very cold and rational, even more cold and rational I used to be. Is it? Or better: Are you? Do you have "warm" emotions, such not only being caused by rational conclusions leading to unanswerable questions? Do you long for (more) such emotions?

 

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12 hours ago, Naiwen said:

How do sexual and/or romantic people make a distinction between friendship and romantic feelings for someone?

Er... how? I'm not sure how to answer that other than saying that I just naturally want to interact romantically and sexually with someone who's more than a platonic friend, and I don't have those desires with people otherwise no matter how much I may like them. But I also can't imagine being in a romantic relationship with someone who wasn't also my (best) friend. I need someone who, even if the romantic and sexual elements didn't exist, would still be a really close friend.

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Cocothecoconut
1 hour ago, Destranix said:

@CocothecoconutI think now I can better relate that to something I know, thanks. Like you simply want to be friends with a person because you think they are somehow intresting or can be valueable in a (more or less) specific manner.

 

This sounds very cold and rational, even more cold and rational I used to be. Is it? Or better: Are you? Do you have "warm" emotions, such not only being caused by rational conclusions leading to unanswerable questions? Do you long for (more) such emotions?

 

It’s a very good question, i mean i do have warm emotions, i love my family and my friends. But i don’t feel love towards anyone, i don’t wanna be in a relationship or getting married because it’s not my thing, and it’s a decision i’ve made. And i don’t have any romantic or sexually attraction towards people. I know i might sound cold, but i think the reason why i am this way has a lot to do with my past. 

I were mentally abused by a classmate(when i was in 7th grade which i saw as a platonic friend, but wasn’t. He treated me very bad, and i were really teared down mentally. 

Even though it's been 9 years since it happened, i still have some mental scars. I don’t have the mentality to deal with all the drama, arguments and other things that comes in a relationship/marriage. I know that there’s happy couples too, but even in the most happiest relationships there can be problems cause no relationship are perfect. I’m more attracted to fictional characters because i can make my own fantasy story of how my perfect relationship with them is, something that’s impossible in real life.

It has also been a big comfort for me during the time i were bullied by my classmate, even though i didn’t understood why i was more  attracted to fictional characters than people irl. 

 

I won’t say that i’m aromantic because of what i’ve been through, cause i were aro/ace before Mark(my classmate’s name). But yes i am pretty cold and rational, but i’m also warm towards my friends. I just prefer platonic relationship/friendships. 

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Destranix
1 minute ago, Cocothecoconut said:

I know i might sound cold, but i think the reason why i am this way has a lot to do with my past.

Ah ok, that helps understanding your situation.

 

7 minutes ago, Cocothecoconut said:

I won’t say that i’m aromantic because of what i’ve been through, cause i were aro/ace before Mark(my classmate’s name). But yes i am pretty cold and rational, but i’m also warm towards my friends. I just prefer platonic relationship/friendships. 

So being aromantic for you only means not considering deeper romantic relationships in reallife? I just realized that's what you already said, now I think I got that, thanks.

 

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Cocothecoconut
34 minutes ago, Destranix said:

So being aromantic for you only means not considering deeper romantic relationships in reallife? I just realized that's what you already said, now I think I got that, thanks.

Yes both that, and also because i

simply don’t feel any romantic attraction towards anyone. 

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How come others think they're entitled to your time and energy all the time? A random Asian guy has added me on FB, and I've accepted it briefly (a few minutes this morning). He's angry because I have my own life to live and wants my attention 24/7, and he's angry because I have to go eat breakfast. Most men and women I've been with have all been clingy and attention seekers. And jealous of my other friends because I speak to them more online. My best male mate thinks I can't talk to any other guy than him just because he's in love with me and I've said no, I'm not interested in him at all myself. What's wrong with them thinking they're entitled to all my time, energy and undivided attention? And to sexual and/romantic partners in a relationship, how do you handle all the jealousy, drama, stress and anxiety in a relationship? I think it's so stifling, confining, suffocating and like having your hands tied for me personally. How can you like being in a relationship at all yourself? But perhaps it's because I've never been in a healthy one, only with toxic people. 

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It's most likely because there is or was something severely lacking in their life. If you suffer from it, it's an emotion like any other and you can't help feeling jealous, but it's for the person who's feeling jealous to accpet that's what's happening and to do something about it in the shorter and longer term. I know it's exhausting, but don't be too hard on them in your mind. It's not an easy emotion to deal with and it's got massive stigma in society, very different to the emotion of falling in love. This doesn't mean you should give in to them either! We've all suffered jealousy at some point in our life I'm sure. In my view, the best thing you can do is make the person aware in a way that resonates with them and to prompt them to do something about it.

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For the brief, experimental relationship I was once in, I can give some insight:

 

When I was in a relationship with this person, I found myself thinking about them quite often, and I would text them and do things for them all the time. Now, this was more because I felt like I was "supposed to" and it's what "all couples do". But there was still a part of me that was happy to do it, and it wasn't entirely forcing myself to do it. This is because I often fantasize about what's it's like to be in a relationship, especially a domestic one, and it's something I can imagine myself doing, so I just projected that love I had for the "ghost in my head who I would love" and placed it on this boy I'd been friends with for 3 years. I guess it was more that I had developed a strong love for this "dream person" and then when I found an inoffensive boy, just place it on top of them and act like it's "love"...

 

ok I was kind of rambling and just realised something about myself and maybe I should reevaulate how I approach relationships and love?? 

uhh but hope you got something from it??

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16 minutes ago, Padparadscha said:

For the brief, experimental relationship I was once in, I can give some insight:

 

When I was in a relationship with this person, I found myself thinking about them quite often, and I would text them and do things for them all the time. Now, this was more because I felt like I was "supposed to" and it's what "all couples do". But there was still a part of me that was happy to do it, and it wasn't entirely forcing myself to do it. This is because I often fantasize about what's it's like to be in a relationship, especially a domestic one, and it's something I can imagine myself doing, so I just projected that love I had for the "ghost in my head who I would love" and placed it on this boy I'd been friends with for 3 years. I guess it was more that I had developed a strong love for this "dream person" and then when I found an inoffensive boy, just place it on top of them and act like it's "love"...

 

ok I was kind of rambling and just realised something about myself and maybe I should reevaulate how I approach relationships and love?? 

uhh but hope you got something from it??

Yeah I have. 

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Cocothecoconut

I can’t take those kind of people you’re mentioning, especially after being mentally abused by my classmate from 7th grade when i went to school. I can’t take people who expect and demand you to talk to them all the time without getting any rest yourself, that you always have to write to them and that you don’t say no to them if they want to do something you should do too(that was the case of my classmate).  I do not have the psyche for that.

 

And as for the jealousy, drama and stress in relationships.

Let me just tell this from the start, i’ve never been in a relationship, had my first kiss, dated or had sex with anyone before so i have never experienced all these 3 things.

 

However as an aromantic i don’t understand the whole romance and relationship thing, i find kissing, cuddling and nuzzling gross and uncomfortable and wouldn’t want it or do it with anyone(IRL). I remember when i went to college(the first year) there was a woman (i’m not mentioning her real name so i call her Paulina) who was around the same age as me at that time(17-18).  Her boyfriend then wrote to me on facebook, i don’t remember exactly what he wrote but it was some good things, and then i wrote on his posts, and i actually don’t know why i did this, it wasn’t because i were in love with him because he was not my type and i wasn’t attracted to him either, i just wanted to be nice to him.  But Paulina was understandably not very happy about it and she claimed that i had an affair with him. But i didn’t, my intention was never to flirt or date anyone and it still isn’t. But it has taught me a lesson, never talk to anyone’s boyfriend or girlfriend on social media or in real life. So i’m more than happy that i’m single and doesn’t have to deal with all that drama, stress and jealousy that follows in a relationship.

 

 

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1 hour ago, Naiwen said:

And to sexual and/romantic partners in a relationship, how do you handle all the jealousy, drama, stress and anxiety in a relationship?

Easily, because my relationship doesn't involve any of those things. Just honesty, trust, stability, calmness, respect, security...

 

1 hour ago, Naiwen said:

How can you like being in a relationship at all yourself?

It would be difficult not to like it, and 'like' is an understatement. My relationship is very truly the best thing I've had so far and has made a significant positive impact on my life. 

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