I Shouldn't Be In A Relationship Anymore

[TheLostDragon]

So, I've been in a relationship with my partner for a bit over a year now, we got together before the pandemic happened (I'm a university in the US for context). While we were transitioning to online school stuff was fine, but we were having sex for most of that time. Everytime it happened I just questioned why I did it and how wrong it felt to the point where I actually couldn't go throughout my day because the thoughts were so loud. We've had plenty of conversations about how I am ace and how that affects everything. I was just so complacent because I thought that since I could bring myself to do it that it wasn't that bad.

 

Now, I definetely don't like it and I'm only more uncomfortable that a point of our intimacy isn't good. But, I'm not sure how to break my own cycle. Part of me wanted to try the stress of going on a dating app just to bide my time and not go back to my partner but it seems like I can always convince myself to "take the bad with the good". Outside of the invasive thoughts I like hanging out with them and there are definitely moments in happy and in tune with my asexuality, but the bad outweighs the good at this point. 

 

Thoughts/Help?

 

 

[Guest]

I think your question is rhetorical, in that you already know the answer so anything I provide other than experience, would be useless to you.

 

In relationships, I have always followed my heart, and trusted my gut. 

 

Yes, pain is inevitable, but I have as a result avoided any regrets.

 

Moments of doubt are normal in even the strongest of relationships.

 

When the doubt is deafening and relentless, from my experience you have a couple options.

 

End the relationship. However, noting that you love this person and they at some point made you happy. Keeping that in mind, for how you decide to end it.

 

IE I resented my ex wife, even almost hated her, but the above ensured things ended peacefully. We were just incompatible.

 

Other option, is you feel things can be salvaged. I really don't see how, when one is at a loss that you couldn't without outside help. However, if your guts tell you this, then you will try to find a way.

 

Long story short, trust your gut. That inner voice is often ignored. Don't. 

[Snao Cone]

Break up early and break up often. If you can't sustain interest in sex or muster up the energy to have it with your partner, there's not going to be a net benefit to the relationship. Both of you will be left unsatisfied in a major way, and you should save some time by ending it before that goes on too long. It is better for both. 

[gisiebob]

have you been communicating how you feel openly with your partner?

[TheLostDragon]

We've talked about it plenty of times and we both feel the stress of doing things I'm not comfortable with so it's nothing new. I just genuinely don't know to go. I still like hanging out with them and we probably still will since we share a friend group, I just need to find out how to reach a personal balance where I don't end up doing something I know I don't want. 

[Nylocke]

Yea, I don't think that's gonna work. Sorry to hear about it though

[Ceebs]

On 2/24/2021 at 11:19 PM, TheLostDragon said:

the bad outweighs the good at this point

This is pretty much always an unequivocal sign that the relationship needs to end regardless of how you feel about the person. You can love someone to the ends of the earth and back, as the cliché goes, and still not be suited for a healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship. I've hung onto several relationships much longer than I should've (very different reasons in each of those cases), at which point they were basically illusions of relationships because they certainly weren't functioning as something viable would. By hanging on, you're wasting time and emotional energy that could be spent on other portions of your life, and if desired, on finding someone who's a better match.

 

On 2/26/2021 at 10:13 PM, TheLostDragon said:

I just genuinely don't know to go.

Is the issue that you don't know how to raise the subject of breaking up? Because there's really no magical, ideal formula for that. You just have to pick a time when you're both available to have a serious discussion and... do it. Say that it's just not working for you, you don't foresee that changing due to the fundamental incompatibilities (of which it seems you're both already aware), and that you're no longer in a romantic relationship with them. Someone else can't tell you that you are once you've said you're not. If you're trying to maintain a friendship following the breakup, that's something that you'll have to negotiate as well, and I can't give you specifics on that because every situation is different. One of my exes is someone I talk to almost every day and still see very regularly and the other I have no contact with whatsoever anymore, but neither of those situations are anything like yours, so my experiences won't be relevant there.

 

But yep, you've just gotta bite the bullet and do it.

[TheLostDragon]

So, where should I go after? I feel like there should be a buffer period after a relationship ends before you move on to find another, but I'm not totally sure if I should have one. I understand that I've stayed in the relationship this long because I want the concept of having a mutual understanding from another person about an intimate emotional fulfillment, but I still have the fear of failure that I won't be able to relate to someone before even getting to how I want to conduct a functional relationship.