Asexual finalizing divorce with my allosexual husband... feel alone and confused

[AcesAllAround]

Hello everyone. I'm an asexual whose husband wanted out of our marriage of 10 years. A lack of sexual intimacy was the biggest issue, and after reading some of the other posts here about marriages between asexuals/allosexuals I know it can be complicated, even impossible to maintain the relationship very long without resentment and depression building up on one side or the other. That being said, I'm still very hurt and feel very alone. We've been separated for over a year now so I assumed I would be over the worst of it but I'm not. He was my best friend and it's an enormous loss. We still talk and try to maintain a friendship even though he's several states away now but in my heart it's not the same and never can be. I miss him terribly even though I recognize that our divorce was the best thing for him and probably for me as well. After all should I really have to compromise my identity and force him to compromise his? I don't think so... but it's a battle between logic and emotion and the emotions are winning right now.

 

Have any other asexuals here experienced a divorce from an allosexual, and if so is it possible to come out the other side okay? I'm dealing with thoughts that I may never find love again, as he is the only person I've ever loved. I know I need time to work on myself and am setting up counseling to help me through the grief and loss, but it would mean a lot if someone here could give me some advice. I'm open to advice from anyone, allosexual or asexual alike, anything that can help me to see my situation in a more positive lens and ease the confusing feelings that are swimming around my head.

[InfjAceGirl]

I'm sorry you're going through hard times. It would be easier if you noticed this was a problem at the beggining but ok not important now. I can only imagine how hard it must be..I was never in a relathionship so can't say much but I understand your fear because I'm also worried that I won't find the one. But now please take it slowly. You need time to cry it out and take care of yourself! Don't think about another love right now. In the future you'll meet new people but now prioritise yourself and be with people you're close with. Also, don't blame yourself for this. You two just weren't compactible. You're still good enough and worthy of love! I hope this helps a tiny bit! Good luck ❤️ btw sorry if there are mistakes in writing.

[Guest]

It takes time to get over a breakup. After such a long marriage, it will probably take 1-2 years and some emotional distance.  Meaning, don't talk every day. Don't make him your main support. Share with others things you don't share with him.  Be friends, but take some time and space to forge other relationships and don't make him your main go-to while you're still in love with him. 

 

I was with my ex around 10 years. After a year or so of being apart I met my now wife and we became friends, then that developed into more. You will find someone when you're ready. Just be open about the asexuality thing. I am not ace, I found out, but met my wife here when we both did ID as ace. 

[DarthMarth]

I went through the same thing last year, though I was only married half as long as you. And I do feel much better than I did a year ago. Getting there was a process of accepting that she is happier without me, and (even harder) that I'm happier without her too. I still don't always feel that way, and sometimes (like yesterday) I remember things with her and get depressed again. But life goes on. I'm taking more responsibility for my life, and making new friends and new memories independent of her (or at least, I will once the pandemic is over). I'm happy to talk and offer what advice I can.

[TheListener]

Sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time. I'm experiencing a lot of sadness after the end of a short relationship but a 10 year marriage is something else altogether. I do think everyone grieves differently and that's ok. I hope you get the support you need. These words from a poem have resonated with me down throught the years.

 

"On Raglan Road on an autumn day I saw her first and knew

That her dark hair would weave a snare that I might one day rue:

I saw the danger yet I walked along the enchanted way,

And I said, let grief be a fallen leaf at the dawning of the day."

[AcesAllAround]

Thank you so much to everyone who responded,  I appreciate your words more than you know. I'm seeing that the advice is very consistent to take time for myself and heal so I'll focus on that and try my best. A lot of times I don't feel like myself anymore and am not sure who I am now,  so its been hard to move forward. Guess I just have a lot to figure out!

[InvisibleSquid]

I'm kinda going through this, myself. My now-ex and I have been married for almost 14 years, and recently separated. It's been really tough, but I do think it's for the best. I'm realizing, after the fact, that I'm on the aromantic spectrum. So I'm sure that had a lot to do with our marital issues. Surely there were issues on both sides, but I'm now certain that the fact that I just didn't feel romantically (or sexually) toward her made things worse.

 

You have to do what's best for both in the long run. I know she needs to heal, and I'm hoping that some distance and time will help. I'd like to remain friends with her, and we have kids together, so it's important to me that we stay on good terms. I know she's trying to socialize and meet people, and that is probably making her feel a bit better. I am not even bothering trying to get into another romantic relationship myself, because I know how it will end up at this point. I just want her to be happy, and I believe she can be, but not with me. Personally, I'm probably going to aim for more of a QPR eventually.

 

I have no doubt that one can find love again after situations such as this. Time will heal. Just try not to dwell on pain. Feel it, but don't dwell on it. Just keep your head up, and look for possibility, rather than dwelling on the negative aspects. Move through your grieving process, and come out the other side stronger. We got this.