Closeness with Parents

[GingerRose]

My Fam ❤️ 

[Guest]

I still live with my parents  but we where never  the  "close" type.  At least from  my understanding. I could be wrong.  

[Guest]

I'm not close at all with my parents emotionally and have a lot of anger and resentment towards my mother because she's just a generally selfish, mean person. However 'geographically' I'm close to her and local police get mad at me if I don't help care for her by cleaning her house and feeding her animals and stuff when she's drinking (it's a long story) so yeah I help her out a lot as I don't feel I have a choice. But she's extremely mean and talks about how much she loves my ex who was 32 when he met me (I was a teenager) and abused me terribly in many ways. She's the sort of person I would absolutely avoid if I wasn't related to her. So yeah "not at all close" emotionally. I have no love for her and don't even like her.

[cato]

I'd say we're close, but not close close.  It's pleasant?

 

I've always gotten along with my mom.  My dad, it was a process.  This is hard to articulate right, but basically my dad is a very intense person.   In retrospect, I don't think he was really cut out for being a dad of kids.  He's a way better dad to adult children.  He's also mellowed out a lot with age.  So our relationship has gotten better and better over the years.

[thecoffeecricket]

7 minutes ago, cato said:

In retrospect, I don't think he was really cut out for being a dad of kids.  He's a way better dad to adult children.  He's also mellowed out a lot with age.  So our relationship has gotten better and better over the years.

I relate to this entirely. My mother is one of my best friends but my relationship with my father took a lot of work. He was absent for so much of my childhood but once I became an adult, he made such an effort to be there and to be as supportive as he could be. I'm sure so many people would judge me for forgiving him for not being there when I was a kid but I only have one dad. It's not an easy relationship, it's not the most natural relationship, but we're both trying. I think it's worth it, personally.

[Gloomy]

I'm pretty close to both of them. When I was a kid I didn't like my dad for a number of reasons, but he's changed and also helped me out a lot as an adult so we're close now.

[Guest]

Very close with my mom, never knew my dad.

[Milque Toast]

Super close to my mum, and my brother. Personal family business changed up the living situation when I was younger, but I'm happy with the way it is currently.

[blunose2772]

I was really close with my dad, but not with my mom. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

My father died almost twenty years ago. (At least in this case such a possibility is foreseen, but many times I have seen assumptions that people below ~40 years of age cannot possibly not have living parents anymore...) And our contact was of the kind that my mom once said that we "either fight all the time or are best buddies". In case of my mom - close-ish, I would say. We are just too different. She is a very common-sense person, the kind of "the sanest person around"... and I'm just not. She's disappointed with me not being able to get a decent-paying job, caring about philosophy more than about practical things, having poor social skills... at least my asexuality is at most a third-class problem, she was never one to pressure me into conforming, she just understood that I can't be persuaded into sex-including relationships, any relationships with men and parenthood, that I would rather die than live such a lifestyle. I had been saying that I won't marry and won't have children since the age of 5-6 and at some point, many years later of course, she realised that I was serious about it.

[ElusiveCreature]

My mother has always loved and supported me unconditionally. I still live at home, because I have several health problems and can’t even get a job, let alone support myself off one. She understands this and encourages me to go at the pace I can. Sometimes though, I wish she would be slightly more selfish and remember to take care of herself - though I would say that as I’m getting older, she’s getting better at this. I’ve heard horror stories about parents, and I am so, so aware that I’m lucky to have her. I feel like if I sat her down and told her about asexuality, and that it is important to me, she would make every effort, but I have yet to feel that need with her, as she already accepts me regardless of who I am. I’d say we’re very close.

 

My father has always been there emotionally when I needed him, but I am aware he’s got his faults, and that he’s not always reliable. But seeing as I hardly lived with him growing up, I’d say we have a decent relationship.

 

One of the reasons I have such a great and positive relationship with both my parents is because even though they’ve separated, and are so very much different people, they’ve always agreed that there’s a common interest - me. And so they’ve always kept their disagreements away from me as much as they could.

[Grumpy Alien]

Not sure how to answer. I’m very close with my mom and my father was abusive so I never saw him as a father and cut off contact when I was 16.

[Raindrops]

Cut off contact from the other, live with my mum. I'd say we're close, but we also fight like.. every day. 😕

[Guest]

Nothing here.

[Real Estate RICO]

Everything was getting strained by last summer anyway, but at this point, I'm just mentally done with both of them.

 

Ever since i graduated, I've let my dad get away with patronizing, insulting shit:

1. When I volunteered for a midterm campaign in 2014, I was actually asked to chair my county's Democratic Party's men's caucus. He dismissed it by asking me if I knew what a caucus was, despite the fact I had minored in political science and had been interested in politics since high school.

2. A year later, when I was substitute teaching, I gained some interest in doing it full time. He shit on that by saying "well, I guess you found something you like to do" in a dismissive tone.

3. When that incident happened, I told my dad I did not feel safe in the house with my cousin anymore. His response: "if you don't feel safe here, then who's going to protect your mom?" My fears for my own safety got worse when I called DSS months later because I was sure my cousin would retaliate after that.

4. A year later, he tells me to forget about that night and be a "male figure" (i.e.: dad) to my cousin's son, which to this day, I absolutely refuse to co-parent with the same person who not only beat her son, but hit me too when I called her on that plus the other shit she did.

5. When I finally outed my other abuser in the summer, he concern trolled about it by telling me "people are going to think you're just like your abuser" and "employers are going to see stuff like this." He said this despite the fact I wouldn't have had to do that IF HE HAD TOLD THE GODDAMN FAMILY ABOUT IT instead of putting the onus on me to "be strong" and "not get mad" because he chose not to do anything. He was also more than willing to let me fall on the sword for it in the eyes of the abuser's mom, too.

6. On a smaller scale, I'm expected to be at his beck and call whenever he swings by the house. Whether it's free tech support, waking me up when I'm trying to catch up on sleep (like on Monday morning), or immediately talking to me when I'm still out of it after waking up...

7. There's always a different set of rules for me and everyone else in the house anyway, but there was a time when I was getting my head shaved and my cousin decided to grab me for no reason. I got annoyed by it, and he snaps at me saying "he just wanted to play." Like, fuck: my cousin and mom can hit him for lesser shit, but I pull away from him and you get on me for that? Plus, there was a big reason why I didn't want it to happen at that point:

Spoiler

I was hiding cuts.

8. Before I finally got my license in July 2016, he had always badgered me on when I was going to try for it knowing full well a lot of it was out of my control due to inability to pay for likely sky high insurance. As well, he told me he was going to fix up his old car for me to have, but it's been close to five years, and that hasn't happened yet.

 

And that's just within the last seven years. My dad never believed I had Bipolar II until I ended up in the hospital in 2012 despite him knowing about the traumatic shit that I had experienced since I was 10. 

 

My mom has been similar, but not to that degree:

1. She asked me to apologize for, let's be real, making my cousin mad enough to hit me despite the fact we both know I was telling the truth that night. My cousin has/had no right to rip me for living off other people/living rent free, especially considering at the time it happened, I had a job and I was buying my own shit. Not to mention, said cousin tried to gaslight me about her being the reason why I had cable, heating, etc. knowing full well the bills have never come out of her bank account. She just wants to control me because she can't control any part of her life at this point.

2. My mom's answer to the points in 1 and 2 were "well, he's just trying to look out for you/he just wants the best for you."

3. She shares blame in bottling up #5 above, as well.

 

There is a reason why I've started to really gather up everything in preparation to leave. When that happens, I'm going no contact.

[Forest Spirit]

55 minutes ago, Kimchi Peanut said:

Not sure how to answer. I’m very close with my mom and my father was abusive so I never saw him as a father and cut off contact when I was 16.

Yeah I'd like an option for "close with one, not at all with the other"

 

I'm close with my mum, though we have our problems. Not at all close to my father and I'd wish he'd leave our lives since I can remember

[oldgeeza]

My mother passed away in May 2019, we were close ish, my father walked away in 1989 and we've never been in touch since, it was his choice, his decision, I don't know anything more about him, where he lives, if he's alive, I was told never to bother him or his family again so I've stuck to his rule, his side of the family didn't like us anyway.

[Phalena]

I am waiting for the day I can leave to a place so far away that there is no chance for them to follow me. I have no more energy for those people. They crashed their lives into the wall like a car being tested for safety. My childhood and youth were a waste because I had to play replacement mummy for my siblings. Because the ones responsible for our existences can't handle their own. I'll never get justice for all those years I've lost.

[merkitty]

I'm really close with my mom but not close with my dad. 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

My mother might as well be dead to me now (no I don't wish it, but I want nothing to do with her), father I would have nothing to do with if we weren't related. In fairness to him, he's better than he used to be, but the window of bonding was smashed to bits decades ago for many less than pleasant reasons. We sort of just coexist in the same house mostly amiably, but with occasional reminders why I can't trust him.

 

Honestly whenever anyone says they're close to their parents my instinctive reaction is "that only happens in disney films".

[Blue eyes white dragon]

My dad and I are close, but we aren't emotionally really close and he can get on my nerves sometimes. It's more of similar interests and playing around type closeness. My mom and I, well the less said is better. We do love each other, but it is really not the best relationship. I have to hide a lot of my true self around my parent still

[Comrade dragon]

Never been close with either of them.

[Rhyn Corinn]

Pretty close with both of them. There have definitely been...not so great moments in the past...but I think my relationship with both of them now is probably the best it's ever been. After learning a lot more about myself and being able to express it better, a lot of the frustrations I had in the past have gone away. Of course there's still a few things that they don't know, but most of my secrets are out now and I can't believe how freeing it's been. It would have been nice if it didn't take 18 years to get to this point, but as far as I'm concerned I'm just glad it happened at all.

[Guest]

I put "close-ish". They're good people and I enjoy seeing them on occasion, and I tell them the relevant things that happen in my life, but not absolutely everything as I would if we were very close. No hard feelings for them, we just have two very different mindsets and backgrounds and I know for a fact that if I got into certain things they'd either not understand or we'd end up with an agree to disagree, so I prefer to leave them be.

[NewStart]

I am super close to my Mother, always have been.  She has been my friend, supporter, cheerleader and rock pretty much all my life.  I have never had a true best friend, because she has always been my best friend.  My father, well that’s a whole other story.  He left my Brother (4 years old) and I (5 years old).  He signed away his rights and child support payments.  (I think my Mom was scared of him, he has a terrible temper).  We did not see him again until we were legal adults.  He has spent most of that time pointing out our various faults, criticizing us and being all round judgmental.  He has zero right, since he was not around to bring us up.

Last year I came to the realization that I am asexual.  When I told my Mom, she was totally supportive.   My father’s reaction was, well if your not going to have sex, you will be alone for the rest of your life because no man will accept a relationship without sex.

I am on very limited speaking terms with him.  The truth be told he is never going to accept me for who I am without laying judgment on me.  I don’t like it this way, but I can accept that’s how it is.  When my Mother remarried, the man I called my Dad adopted both my Brother and I.  When I told him that I was asexual, he was very supportive and fine with it like my Mom.  

[failing adult]

My bio dad was never in my life, and i was raised by my mum until I was 12.

My mum is an alcoholic, has been my entire life, and was verbally and physically abusive. 

I used to be very very close to her, because it was hard to separate sober mum and drunk mum. 

I haven't spoken to her in about 3 years. 

When I managed to get us removed from the home, we moved in with my grandmother, who i have a very extreme relationship with, sometimes we get on great but alot of the time we're arguing and screaming at each other. 

[ColeHW34]

Me and my bio dad are kind of open to each other, but at the start of the pandemic I severed all ties to my mom, her friends, and her side of the family.

 Then I rather punch my stepmom in her face and have her deported.

 

[Skycaptain]

Close to them both. The tricky part is that I get on well with my stepmum, but not with my stepdad 

 

TW domestic violence, homophobia, language 

 

Spoiler

It's very difficult to have any form of affection for someone who chases after you with a carving knife yelling "I'll fucking kill you, you queer bastard

 

[BreeMoo]

Care for my dad barely, don't feel close at all, I do see him once in a while. Live with mom, and while we can get along super well, I also don't feel I can give my 100% respect to her do to our also sometimes clashing views on certain topics and attitudes.

[Ceebs]

Not very and it's better that way. I mean, they're in my life, but the interactions are best kept fairly superficial.