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Chiaroscuro

I Suddenly Hate My Kind

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Chiaroscuro

Maufry said:

I don't think our contention here is that sexuals are terrible people all the time. Just that, when it comes to "romance," a lot of them sure as hell are. Note that I didn't say all, even though in the dating experience of me and several of my (sexual) friends, we could certainly say all (and yes, I did think about that, just to make sure there weren't any exceptions - there weren't). Mark, you're right, stereotypes suck. But if every time you touch a stove it happens to be on and you get burned, you're going to think that stoves are always hot and will always burn. Even if you know, intellectually, that stoves can be turned off and don't always burn. But if your experiences consistently contradict what you know to be true, which one are you going to end up believing?

I can get behind this post 100%, Maufry. There are two things we can agree on here:

1. your male sexual friends are good guys.

2. romantic relationships with these good guys don't work because they turn into animals.

Your interpretation is that your friends change when romance is involved. Here's how I see it:

Normal, non-romantic friendships involve boundaries that everyone knows about, accepts and understands. Society functions well because everyone's on the same page: Asexuals and Sexuals alike. Romantic friendships in the sexual world involve different boundaries and expectations than non-romantic friendships. Your male friends are operating within those boundaries while you expect them to keep observing the non-romantic ones. Crash.

Nobody "changes" in this scenario. The conflict is the result of different expectations. When you reveal your orientation to your boyfriend and he doesn't get it, think about how often Bunny, Mark and I have to keep repeating the same things over and over here. You don't get it either. There's no shame in not getting it, we're all wired differently, but it's important to internalize that the way you see sexuality isn't how everyone in the world sees it (or SHOULD see it).

Also remember (in defense of your animalistic boyfriends), that you're a member of a small, invisible community. The sexual world doesn't know you exist. When you tell a sexual person that you're asexual, it's like saying you come from Mars. It's never really going to make sense to them, because they can't imagine anyone feeling like you do. Every minority faces an uphill battle getting a huge, unthinking majority to accept the validity of their position. There's tremendous inertia involved. Look at the gay struggle, or the civil-rights struggle. Decades in, and they're still fighting. There are bigots everywhere. But there are also good people in the majority community who, for example, accept the validity of homosexuality as an orientation, even though they can't imagine how being gay would feel.

You don't have to feel what someone else feels to show them respect and compassion.

-Chiaroscuro

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M51
You don't have to feel what someone else feels to show them respect and compassion.-Chiaroscuro

Cheers!

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maufry

Actually, I wasn't speaking from an asexual point of view there. As far as how many people "get it," I've only ever told one guy that I've dated about my asexuality. B/c I didn't realize that's what I was before then. I wasn't speaking only from my own experience, but from the experience of most of my female friends, as well. I think pretty much all of my female friends would agree that any guy who starts itching for sex after only a couple of weeks is a jerk. At least if he presses the issue, anyways. B/c if that's what he wants right off the bat, then that's the only thing he's looking for. Has this been my experience? Yes. Has it been only my experience? No. You don't have to be A to find that annoying.

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E.winEla
You don't have to feel what someone else feels to show them respect and compassion.

-Chiaroscuro

Very well put, Chiaro.

I sympathize with the sexual point of view, but I experience firsthand the asexual p.o.v. And it's easy to see how one side might not understand why there is a difference of expectation..or what exactly causes the difference. No one knows really...

But I think for asexuals, the main struggle is just getting the majority of society to accept that our orientation is also legitimate and not something alien or barbaric.

Neither side is at fault when it comes to why sexual/asexual relationships often fail. It is a hard thing to make work...

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thylacine

"The main struggle is just getting the majority of society to accept that our orientation is also legitimate and not something alien or barbaric." This is true.

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