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Chiaroscuro

I Suddenly Hate My Kind

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Chiaroscuro

So, I'm a member of a Sexless Marriage forum, occupied by lots of unhappy people like myself. I haven't been back there in a while, mostly because I found Aven to be more useful in understanding what's going on in my marriage than that other forum was. Once I'd vented, it felt like there wasn't much more to learn.

So anyway, recently I dropped back in to see what was going on, and found a thread titled "I don't like sex...". I thought "Oh! One of my Aven friends, perhaps?"

Oh... my... god.

The abuse that poor guy took. It made me feel physically ill. Here's one example:

Re: I don't like sex...

Disillusioned, I'm so sorry for your troubles. I wish you the best. I'll be straight with you. I really think it would be for the best of all of us here that you just went away and found some other way to deal with your problems.

I, and one other kind soul suggested he visit Aven. I hope he'll show up. I'll tell you what, it was an eye-opener for me. I sympathize with you guys if that's the kind of welcome the sexual community extends to you.

*heads to the sink to wash off his filthy, sexual hands*

-Chiaroscuro

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-V-

Theres assholes in every group and the anonymity of the net doesn't help.

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M51

Chiaro,

I used to blame my failed marriage on my "very sexual" partner and his accursed sexuality. I still get clumsy and use terms like this, or I succumb to bitterness and make blanket statements.

But it is people - SEXUALS - like you who have made me realize that truly, my marital problems were not due to the fact that he was sexual. They were due to the fact that he was a selfish ass. Not saying I would not have had any problems if he had been less selfish. Just that the behavior that really hurt me was not the sexual behavior itself, but the way he dealt with it (or refused to deal with it). We may still have divorced, but the part that still hurts me to this day - even after I have gotten over him and gotten over the relationship - was due to his total disregard for me and how much he was hurting me. Not the fact that he had sexual urges.

Don't worry about having filthy sexual hands. Your hands are only filthy if YOU make them that way, sexual, asexual, or otherwise. And I don't see you doing that.

Your asexual friends thank you for being you.

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Chiaroscuro

Thanks Em,

The thing that made me most upset, I think, was that here was a chance for these people to get outside of their own misery for a moment and find out what was actually going on in their "sexless marriages". Instead, they shouted down the outsider so they could remain comfortably enraged and self-righteous.

When I pointed that out, I was accused of flaming. Sigh.

-ChiaroscurosnugglesbackintonicewarmAven

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BunnyK.

Not to nitpick, but I actually don't think LiLA was accusing you of flaming, Chiaroscuro - I think she was saying she didn't see any of that on the thread in question.

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McBuh

Well, considering that they must be very sexually frustrated and think they have someone to blame, from what I've read from a sexless marriage forum is it is mainly used to project anger and bitterness in the form of ridicule.

Everyone plays the "nasty game" somehow, especially online in an anonymous medium, but I'm sure it is not the healthiest way to deal with marital problems, especially when it is encouraged to do so behind their back.

It seems that the main effect of such forums is to promote sexism and divorce.

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Chiaroscuro
Not to nitpick, but I actually don't think LiLA was accusing you of flaming, Chiaroscuro - I think she was saying she didn't see any of that on the thread in question.

Ha! Apparently, there's a mole inside my organization, feeding you secret information, Bunny.

You're right. And I did react strongly. I was shocked by the... partisanship for lack of a better word. Everyone there took it as a given that Mr. Disillusioned was sick and needed curing. Maybe that's the view of the general public (maybe it is how I used to think, I honestly can't remember).

I do understand the anger and despair that the folks on that board feel. I've felt it myself. But the contrast between the tolerance I've experienced here and the angry tone that greeted him there kind of shocked me. Asexuals seem genuinely curious about what makes sexuals tick. My comrades on the sexual side of the line didn't ask this fellow any questions, really. They just suggested he was some kind of broken person who should get himself together for the sake of his wife.

Maybe their reaction is just a result of ignorance mixed with anger, and I'm being unfair. Sexuals are the majority, and asexuality is mostly an unknown phenomenon.

-Chiaroscuro

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Kallan

Well thank you for standing up for asexuals. We love you very much.

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M51
The thing that made me most upset, I think, was that here was a chance for these people to get outside of their own misery for a moment and find out what was actually going on in their "sexless marriages".

Yes, exactly. Like my husband, they seemed to not really care what the asexual had to say. Nevermind that listening to him could possibly help them understand their own relationship. That is not THEIR problem. THEIR problem is getting laid - or complaining about not getting laid. They seemed only concerned with why they weren't getting what they want.

I mean, I'm not saying they shouldn't have a space to vent. I'm not saying that they shouldn't be bothered by their situation. But the problem will never be solved or dealt with if they make no attempt to see the other side. And they just harassed the other side right out of their forum.

The think that what sets you apart is you DO care how sunset feels, and you DO want to understand her so you can understand your relationship.

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BunnyK.
You're right. And I did react strongly. I was shocked by the... partisanship for lack of a better word. Everyone there took it as a given that Mr. Disillusioned was sick and needed curing. Maybe that's the view of the general public (maybe it is how I used to think, I honestly can't remember).

I do understand the anger and despair that the folks on that board feel. I've felt it myself. But the contrast between the tolerance I've experienced here and the angry tone that greeted him there kind of shocked me. Asexuals seem genuinely curious about what makes sexuals tick. My comrades on the sexual side of the line didn't ask this fellow any questions, really. They just suggested he was some kind of broken person who should get himself together for the sake of his wife.

Maybe their reaction is just a result of ignorance mixed with anger, and I'm being unfair. Sexuals are the majority, and asexuality is mostly an unknown phenomenon.

I'm pretty sure that how they felt is how I would have felt, not knowing anything about asexuality and hearing this guy's account. Kind of an extreme WTF moment. When you add in that they've been left kind of alone to develop a lot of anger, then yeah, I guess you can see how that kind of reaction would come out. I do think that some of them would make the effort to learn from Disillusioned, given the chance to get used to him.

I think a lot of the problem also is that the people on that board are, for the most part, not married to the well-adjusted, self-knowledgeable, talkative AVENite. They're married to someone who won't talk to them, can't/won't tell them why sex isn't possible, doesn't care how much it hurts them, someone who screams at them when the subject is broached, someone who blatantly says "I won't have sex with you until you lose weight", etc., etc. That might have something to do with why they aren't terribly open to the opposite side of things.

And not all asexuals are cheerfully curious, either. I can remember some rather snippy discussions, including one in which my sex drive was compared to cannibalism (?!), which was unfortunately lost in the hacking attempt.

I do agree though that this site has a much better tone, but I think a lot of that is due to the setup and moderation, rather than some sweeping difference between sexuals and asexuals.

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Chiaroscuro

Of course, you're absolutely right Bunny. There are very good people there (as there are everywhere). The tone of the responses was what got to me. Like I said, I haven't visited for a while, and have become accustomed to the more blended population here at Aven. Disillusioned was so clearly a fish out of water, and was so clearly unwelcome that it made me mad. I'm actually hopeful that we can turn the discussion into something positive over there.

And not all asexuals are cheerfully curious, either. I can remember some rather snippy discussions, including one in which my sex drive was compared to cannibalism (?!), which was unfortunately lost in the hacking attempt.

Ha ha! Who doesn't eat children on special occasions? So tasty when served with a side of boiled puppy...

I do agree though that this site has a much better tone, but I think a lot of that is due to the setup and moderation, rather than some sweeping difference between sexuals and asexuals.

Yes, the Sexless Marriage site is a much more homogenous population... which is why I gave it up after discovering Aven. The tone there seems to be a blend of misery and total confusion. I don't think it's constructive, in the long term, to methodically demonize all of our sexless spouses. That's not the policy there, but it's what the overall tone ends up being. Story after story, all with the same theme of "I'm miserable and trapped and I don't know why my spouse is so awful to me." As a support group, the members chime in with "It's not your fault, you deserve better, your spouse has betrayed his/her vows, you owe him/her nothing." etc... All of which I agree with, actually. But it's only one side of the story, repeated over and over. And it creates an atmosphere of "we're victims, our spouses are abusive", which, in the long run, only leads to more anger and more self-righteousness. I felt it myself, after I'd been there for a while. It was only when I started to hear from the other side that I began to understand that it wasn't just about me being victimized by a cold, unthinking partner.

-Chiaroscuro

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Derp
Ha ha! Who doesn't eat children on special occasions?

I don't. :shock: :?

*feels broken* :cry:

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Amcan
Ha ha! Who doesn't eat children on special occasions?

I don't. :shock: :?

*feels broken* :cry:

There there we can cure you by the use of ketchup Cipher. :wink:

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Derp

There's nothing wrong with my ketchup levels. :x If anything, I have an overabundance of ketchup in my system. I just have no desire to eat it with children. :? I eat it by myself.. on potatoes and stuff.

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Placebo
There's nothing wrong with my ketchup levels. :x If anything, I have an overabundance of ketchup in my system. I just have no desire to eat it with children. :? I eat it by myself.. on potatoes and stuff.

*laughs*

Chiaro--maybe we could have a big AVEN--Sexless Marriages forum party!! Like a meet 'n' greet. ;)

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Chiaroscuro
I just have no desire to eat it with children. I eat it by myself.. on potatoes and stuff.

Agreed, eating with children is no treat, particularly young children. Particularly if your floor is carpeted. Especially particularly if it's ketchup.

And I don't know about a meet-up yet, Placebo. Bunny and I will have to do some outreach first. They're a savage, primitive race. There's no knowing what they might do.

-Chiaroscuro

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Amcan
There's nothing wrong with my ketchup levels. :x If anything, I have an overabundance of ketchup in my system. I just have no desire to eat it with children. :? I eat it by myself.. on potatoes and stuff.

But how do you know if you've not tried it?

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thylacine

"Ha ha! Who doesn't eat children on special occasions?"

Well... now there's a way to solve the over population problems on this planet... !

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Derp
There's nothing wrong with my ketchup levels. :x If anything, I have an overabundance of ketchup in my system. I just have no desire to eat it with children. :? I eat it by myself.. on potatoes and stuff.

But how do you know if you've not tried it?

Who said I hadn't? :twisted:

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jaybird721
"Ha ha! Who doesn't eat children on special occasions?"

Well... now there's a way to solve the over population problems on this planet... !

The other day I realized that we could fight global warming and overpopulation by killing people and using them to fertilize trees...

*totally didn't just say that*

*no really, these are not the droids you're looking for*

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thylacine

Yeah... I gotta better one for yah... if everyone was asexual, then people would stop having too many kids. There would be less pollution, less destruction of the rain forest, fewer wars, fewer people eating up resources... save the planet -- be asexual.

(Naturally, you sexual folk reading this know Thylacine is having a little fun again, right?)

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Chiaroscuro

After everyone dies off, and there's only one man and one woman left on earth, let's hope they're sexual :)

-Chiaroscuro

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ghosts

Hey- asexuals are fully capable of reproducing (or at least, most of them). And sexuals don't always want kids. ;)

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thylacine

Hey... yah can always clone people, right?

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SuicideJade
"Ha ha! Who doesn't eat children on special occasions?"

Well... now there's a way to solve the over population problems on this planet... !

SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :shock:

eat :cake: :P

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Chiaroscuro
"Ha ha! Who doesn't eat children on special occasions?"

Well... now there's a way to solve the over population problems on this planet... !

SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :shock:

Ha ha... I listen to the Stephanie Miller radio show every day in the studio, and they have a bit of schtick where her friend Jim (an impersonator), does his best Charlton Heston voice and yells

SELSUN BLUE IS PEOPLE!!!!!!

heh...

-chiaroscuro

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Derp
SELSUN BLUE IS PEOPLE!!!!!!

:lol:

Ooh, that reminds me.. *fetches some Soylent Purple for breakfast* :arrow:

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Amcan
Hey... yah can always clone people, right?

We still live in hope.

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ClaireE
"Ha ha! Who doesn't eat children on special occasions?"

Well... now there's a way to solve the over population problems on this planet... !

Haha - I love kids but I couldn't eat one whole! :D

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scorpion
So, I'm a member of a Sexless Marriage forum, occupied by lots of unhappy people like myself. I haven't been back there in a while, mostly because I found Aven to be more useful in understanding what's going on in my marriage than that other forum was. Once I'd vented, it felt like there wasn't much more to learn.

So anyway, recently I dropped back in to see what was going on, and found a thread titled "I don't like sex...". I thought "Oh! One of my Aven friends, perhaps?"

Oh... my... god.

The abuse that poor guy took. It made me feel physically ill. Here's one example:

Re: I don't like sex...

Disillusioned, I'm so sorry for your troubles. I wish you the best. I'll be straight with you. I really think it would be for the best of all of us here that you just went away and found some other way to deal with your problems.

I, and one other kind soul suggested he visit Aven. I hope he'll show up. I'll tell you what, it was an eye-opener for me. I sympathize with you guys if that's the kind of welcome the sexual community extends to you.

*heads to the sink to wash off his filthy, sexual hands*

-Chiaroscuro

I suggested he visit here too...in a private message. I felt for him in the worst way b/c I totally understood what he was feeling. Thanks for suggesting it to him too and I do hope he is here!

Scorpion

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