I want to "come out" to people...

[14097_1479663602]

I feel like I want to tell people, but I'm so scared of their reactions... Did anyone come out, and how people react badly or think it's weird or whatever?

[ChildOfTheLight]

I've told a number of people. One didn't believe me, but most of them accepted it easily. At least one of my friends figured it out on his own.

[Kallan]

Most of the people I've come out to were pretty cool, just very confused. It took hours with a lot of different people to explain what it means. One person was disdainful of it (the one person I would most have wanted to accept it) but in general a positive reaction.

[Mr. Ten Below]

Everyone to whom I've come out has accepted it, even if it took a bit of explaining. A few of them turned out to be asexual as well, which was very cool. But I've avoided telling people who may not accept it. That might be why the reactions have been good.

[Orbit]

Five of my friends I told about asexuality ended up being asexual - and had never heard of it until I brought it up.

Other than that, just about everyone was cool with it - some more curious than others.

Only one person gave me a hard time and said I thought I was better than sexuals and more holy and crap because of it - but he has serious 'not listening - projection' issues. And only one other person thought I was 'claiming' it because I wanted attention - she has issues too. *L*

:)

Last year I was telling everyone and it was a big deal - this year it's like a non-issue. Seems like it took a while for it to sink in and now that it has and it doesn't feel like a HUGE discovery, I realize it doesn't really matter and I sort of wish I hadn't made such a big deal about it and told so many people. Like they want to know, right?

But what's done is done...

[DiligoRabek]

I've told a bunch of people, reactions have generally been pretty positive, some didn't understand (and I did my best to explain). Not everyone knows yet, (I haven't told my family, except for one exceptionally close cousin). I got one person that told me to "stop it" Which was funny, not mean...she said she was going to take me to New York City and get me a hooker so that I could see what I was missing out on. I told her if she did, then I'd pull a Holden Caulfield and do nothing but talk to her. Then I have one or two others who simply don't believe that it's possible. All-in-All reactions were pretty decent, though.

PS: This is my first post on AVEN, yay! I'm probably going to make a post in the welcome forum soon, but I felt compelled to reply to this one.

[Niemand]

I told her if she did, then I'd pull a Holden Caulfield and do nothing but talk to her.

:lol: Sorry, I like this quote. Yay Caulfield! Back on topic...

I haven't come out to any of my friends yet (because I'm not sure if I'm asexual) but I've brought asexuality up to several of them. One already knew about it and totally agreed with me about it (although I suspect she might be asexual) and the others were at first very reluctant to believe me but I think I eventually got them to accept it, to some extent.

Wow, that was definetly a run on sentence. :oops:

[thylacine]

I told a person I knew whom I thought was my friend (and this person was a college professor, so she wasn't "uneducated") and she said I needed to get raped to "fix my problem." She was yelling, saying I was sick, and became vicious. I'll never tell another soul. I learned the hard way not to.

Good luck to you, though!

[Cygnus]

A prof actually said those things to you?

[Orbit]

Seriously, I would turn that wack-job into the administration. No one with those kind of sick issues should be teaching at any university.

What does she teach?

[Virgo]

Well, be prepared to do some explaining! I came out, and more than anything there were al lot of questions that I had to be prepared to answer for people. If your school has a Gay-Straight Alliance that can be a good group to come out to at first. They're really not going to judge you, and it's probably in their mission statement that the GSA is a "safe place" fore people of all sexual orientations, even if asexual isn't specifically referred to.

[Coleslaw]

I just started coming out to people myself... Holy cow, it's hard! I told my best friend first, and his reaction was so bitter and nasty that I didn't want to tell anyone else. But this is something I feel is a part of me I don't want to hide anymore. So, I told some other friends. All in all, everyone's been okay with it. Some had questions (And got answers), and some just accepted it. Reactions are gonna vary, no matter who you are.

If you do tell people, tell only people you trust to start off. Answer questions they might have. Also, if you are absolutely sure you're asexual, be assertive with it and make no excuses for it. I found that I wasn't assertive enough with a few people, and they assumed I wanted an alternative diagnosis. It might be the same for you.

I hope I could help a little. If you do decide to come out, let me know how it goes! I'm interested in hearing other stories.

[Phlying Ace]

A few months ago when I was still trying to figure myself out (...well, OK, I'm still trying to figure myself out, but meh ;)) I told one friend via email. He was incredibly accepting of it, but then, he's an extremely open-minded person. (He's also a bisexual living in a red state, and has met his share of problems because of that, so I wasn't exactly expecting him to try and "fix" me ;))

Told two more close friends (separately) a few days ago. Both were also very accepting, but reacted in more a "...huh; that's interesting" way than anything else. I'm not quite sure they understood me entirely :- and I think one of them thinks I'm trying to out him as asexual. Gah. I should have told them face-to-face instead of via IM... especially since we'd just spent the entire day together. (On a trip to San Francisco, no less. How appropriate XD)

Also outed myself on a board I regularly visit (in the moderator-only forum, so as to weed out the trolls). Two responses so far, not counting one from the first person I'd told, months ago. One was very accepting; the other said it was a non-issue to him but to remember that I could always just solve my problem instead of becoming comfortable with it.

*HEADDESK*

I figure my family will be the hardest to tell. They think I have emotional/communication/intimacy issues. Why? Because I don't date, and when they ask me who I'm crushing on, I reply with "nobody." Outing myself to them will probably result in my being kicked out of the house unless I agree to see a psychiatrist. (Well, maybe that's an exaggeration... but I have a feeling they're going to assume my asexuality isn't legitimate, and try to "fix" me. Which is frustrating, because I know for a fact they wouldn't have a problem with me being gay...)

Also, all around for the bravery to at least consider coming out. :)

[thylacine]

Yeah... Cygnus & Orbit... now hear this, the prof was a woman. You'd think a woman wouldn't suggest such a heinous thing... I did think about reporting that stuff, but I was on the Dean's List, and didn't want to wreck that by suddenly having my A in her class turn into an F. I really worked for those grades, man.

She was like, "You'd be lucky if someone jumped you" and "that would fix your problem" she would follow me into the ladies' room, ranting on about how to "fix" the problem... what a nut job.

[!]

I have told most of my friends, and although some don't really understand (i think it would be almost impossible to understand completely, unless the person was asexual themselves.) they are extremely accepting. I am friends with people of different sexual orientations, and the majority of my friends are very liberal open minded people, which deffenantly helps a lot.

Also, i have told my (immediate) family too, and they are completely supportive of me (i live in a very liberal house as well).

There will always be those people who are unaccepting and close minded, but honestly, if they actually care what your orientation is, they're not worth your time.

Comming out can be a great idiot filter like that

It also feels really good to be able to be open and honest with people too. When i'm open with people, and comfortable withmeself, it usually results in others doing the same. And i would like to think that my being open and "out" will spread awareness about asexuality, that way if other people who are asexual, and don't have a name for it yet, don't think they're the only one.

So that's my take on the whole comming out thing :P

[M51]

My experiences with coming out are here:

http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/viewt...;highlight=m51s

[P.V.P.]

Reactions I've gotten to mentioning asexuality and/or that I identify with it as presented on here (though now I'm more ambivalent about it):

-My boyfriend wondered if maybe he's asexual too. I told him that I thought he was at least hyposexual (low libido), but then my BF told me that his shrink thought otherwise. I then figured my BF's dad was probably right about the shrink being a crazy Freudian. ;)

-My older sister's BF joked "Are you going to divide now?" (as in mitosis) He and my older sister seemed fine with the fact that I was playing with the idea. In fact, my older sister had sent me the "1% of adults considered asexual" article long before I'd even heard of this board, and in the e-mail she said "Maybe you're not so weird after all" or something to that effect.

-My little sister had no problem with it, and recently told me it was cool that I was willing to explore that kind of thing.

-Two of my internet friends seemed cool with my explorations of aseuxality and my brief phase of identification with it. They themselves happen to be "alternative" - one's gay and the other's bi.

-Two other internet friends (both straight, but neither homophobic) dismissed the idea that anyone with a libido could be asexual. Furthermore, one of them dismissed the AVEN movement and concept as group mentality that destroys the accuracy of words and fosters hatred of "outsiders." The two accepting internet friends totally didn't get her reaction, and one of them (the gay one) raved against her dismissal. Yay flame wars!

[agentkgb]

I'm open about it on the internet but since no one who knows me by my internet "identity" knows me outside the web that's not really a big deal, they're kind of unconnected in a way. The only places I've ever talked about it on the web are here, a blog run by another AVENite (so obviously no problems there), and on the gay&lesbian section of a political forum where a couple people asked something about it and then that was it. I'm not sure about coming out in "real life," it's not something I'm in any rush to do.

Good luck. :)

[Reno.]

I told my mother and she was completely fine with it :) and two of friends who know were completely fine with it too.

[2tabbymom]

I told my two sisters yesterday and they were both fine with it. I was able to work it into a conversation we were having about how our dad has always given lectures and they were wondering if I had received any when younger. I told them that I didn't get in all of the trouble they did because of guys and why, and about AVEN. They expressed interest in the forum and what we talk about and it was really cool.

My older sister remembered asking me once if I liked girls and she said I denied that really fast. I don't even remember that conversation, LOL.

Still haven't told my parents, but maybe soon.

[Cicero]

A few months ago when I was still trying to figure myself out (...well, OK, I'm still trying to figure myself out, but meh ;)) I told one friend via email. He was incredibly accepting of it, but then, he's an extremely open-minded person. (He's also a bisexual living in a red state, and has met his share of problems because of that, so I wasn't exactly expecting him to try and "fix" me ;))

This is very similar to my experience. I told my (bisexual) best friend by email that I was asexual and he was completely fine with it, and had even met other people who were asexual. It makes me more confident about telling other people if it ever comes up. But even if I never tell anybody else, it's good to know that there's somebody I can talk to about it if I ever need to, and I don't feel like I have some secret identity that I have to hide away.

I don't think I would tell my family, though. We don't really talk about personal stuff so that would be a bit weird. I think the only situation in which I would tell them would be if they asked if I was gay.

Good luck to anyone planning on 'coming out.'

[Quelly]

I have come out to many friends. For the most part they were supportive, usually after explaining; however some think I just need to grow up. I got involved with my campus's LGBT group and they are all supportive, however I get the feeling they some of them do not get it either. I have yet to tell my family. I told a couple of my professors last semester. With one, it was relevant to an assignment, and I needed help. She accepted it without blinking an eye. The other brought it up in class and implied that he did not believe in it. In talking to him afterwards, I came out and told him that I did not appreciate him as an authority figure telling over 100 students that my feelings did not exist. He appologized and said that it was not his intention. He asked me to come back and speak to his classes in the future, which I intend to do. Mostly coming out has been positive, although it usually seems to need to be justified because only occasiaonlly do people get it. Despite the occasional awkardness that coming out inspires, I highly recomend it because: it is, usually positive(i always hold my breath at first and sigh of relief after they acccept it), and visibility is the first step to making it easier for others. Good luck!

[Mad Hatter]

In the short amount of time I've known the word and human meaning of 'asexual' I've only told 2 people. Both times I didn't plan it, but had to explain. The first was my younger brother (he caught me on here and so I had to explain due to his usual response of 'I'll tell mum your up to something if you don't tell me!') luckily he's still slightly too young to fully understand, so just accepted it. And the other person was a really good friend of mine (whilst being bored in english we accidently came across a weird web site that listed different sexual orientations. After reading through it he jokingly asked me which I was and so I answered honestly and told the truth.) Luckily he accepted it instantly and hasn't brought up the subject again.

I guess in both situations I've been extremely lucky that they accepted it instanly with very little explaination required. Although I don't wish to broadcast it, I wont lie about being asexual. So hopefully if it comes up again, it will be with someone who'll accept it and not shun or be little me for it. :)

[PrairieGhost]

I told my now-fiance when we first started dating, because I wanted him to know that it was going to be something we'd have to work with. He didn't understand at first, but he accepted me as I was, and after a few rocky months where he misinterpreted my disinterest in sex as disinterest in him, I guess it finally sank in that I'm just wired a little differently and have to work a little harder than most to communicate my affection.

I told my mom and she got into a debate with me over the definitions of asexual (she though asexual was basically anti-sexual) but was not surprised by my lack of sexual attraction.

I told my dad and he did a sort of double take and said something to the tune of, "How did you end up asexual, with a couple of nymphos for parents like us!?" He was very accepting, but I'll probably have to tell him two or three more times before he remembers. (Absent-minded professor, my dad.)

I've told a variety of other people, more because I want to get the word out about asexuality than because I want them to know what I am. I get a lot of "You just haven't had good sex yet" comments, and I don't push the issue with people like that. They're psychologically incapable of understanding any mindset other than their own.

[mad_scientist]

All of my friends know, and they're fine with it.