Alone

[lux]

I think that we, all asexuals will finish their lives alone,unless,we were be able to meet another asexual person,man or woman,which is very very difficult or impossible,at least in my case,you,american or british people, are more lucky,for you it is easier to find somebody because a lot of anglosaxon people write in this forum,and the posibilities are more.

But,in our case,older asexual people, is worrying to be alone for many causes like depression,lonely,companion,health,help...what is the solution?going to a residence for old people? and the people in their 40 or 50?mmm...This subject worries me.Don't you worry about it?. :? Give me your opinion,please.

[Busrider]

Maybe I get you wrong about "alone". I have plenty of friends, whom I'd like to meet / share a house with later, once we are through all those nuisances like working or families.

Males usually die younger than females, who additionally pick older mates, so there'll be a 2nd chance in the end; I just hope the average grandmother isn't much into sex anymore.

[annie71]

hhhhhhhhhhhhahahahahahaha

that was hysterical busrider

i hope you meant it to be, otherwise i've potentiall just offended you :(

lux, i wonder about that as well, i don't know what i'll do when i'm older, hopefully i'll have some friends like myself, as busrider suggested, to me that sounds like a great idea

i don't particularly know any other asexuals in my area, lux, and i'm in the 4th largest city in the US, and i put an 'ad' on a personals site here to see if there were others - it didn't get great response... so i'm unsure whether or not being in the US has any advantages or not..

i don't have alot of friend friends, if that makes sense? i have people who are like family in certain ways, but i don't go out alot or see people alot - i tend to see people only at the recovery meetings that i go to, and other than that, i'm pretty much on my own with my wonderful doggie (and my crazy 6 ways to sunday mother) but..

i'm hoping that once i finish school, or at least start my career even while in school, that this may change, but it may not - i'm 35, technically middle aged but with my previous lifestyle, who knows LOL :/

i don't know.. i guess you gave me something to think about, lux

hey busrider, where is this great house of yours going to be? maybe i'll sign up for the waiting list :P

y'all have a great day

[cijay]

I think that we, all asexuals will finish their lives alone,

I think that's the biggest bunch of BS generalisation that there has been made about "all asexuals." (Granted, any generalisation about all asexuals is BS.)

Many people 'finish their lives' alone because they choose to. It may be indirectly - it could be due to the fact that they treat people so shitty that they drive them away.

Like Busrider, I have many friends and family members and if my life finishes with me being alone, I would hazard to say it's something *I* did, rather than fate.

My only fear of ending up in an old fart's home some day is that I'll be in there with a bunch of old people. Not 'old' as in how many years but 'old' as in attitude.

I DO battle clinical depression (just before everyone figures that life is handed to me on a bed of roses - I've been accused of that before) every day and sometimes it's a tough battle but it's one of my ongoing personal victories.

[Busrider]

Annie, what caused your laughter? (- I'm hard to offend.) I mean what I wrote. We used to live together during our college days and I doubt there are big problems (besides maybe some idiotic architects) to establish a dorm like lifestyle later again.

I haven't reached my 40s or 50s yet, but I knew some folks who were able to make friends with other paradise birds and lost souls in town. I also believe this will become easier in the future, now that people start bloging, get divorced more probably and so on. There is / will be no more stable structure of families excluding others. Living in a cool neighborhood might help. Joining odd groups also. The most important things are being well known to have a open ear for everybody and having the curage to ask. I believe there are families who need "adopted grandfathers" and similar. Depression is somehow sometimes a blessing too. One can meet lots of people in psychiatry. O.K. they might be losers and have their problems too, but they are understanding and friendly. Same about self-help groups...

[annie71]

busrider... it was the comment about grandma's and sex... i guess it just tickled my funny bone

i'm imagining my grandmother, as she was, and thinking of her and sex just makes me.. giggle.. i don't know why LOL but it does :)

maybe it's just that idea of not being able to picture our parents (grandparents) having sex..

luckily for me (extreme sarcasm) i was lucky enough at age 13 or so to find a pornographic picture of my mom and her EVIL boyfriend.

let's just say it didn't help the asexuality at all bwahahaha

[Busrider]

Thanks. I understand now. I can't imagine my own grandparents either. (But I watched something about raised post-menopausal sexdrive on TV once :oops: )

[vikingo]

I think I understand pretty well, lux, and also shares some of your worries. A network of some sort in ones local area would be really nice, and I have the impression that one big achievement of the german AVEN has been doing something like that in their district.

Also in the light I agree that it's a pity that the spanish forum has been down for so long that what was going there probably has died by now.

If singleness gets too lonely one day I will find some people my age and share a house or an apartment with him/her/them. Then I wouldn't have to cook every day.

[dogmom]

I just think there's more of a chance for we older folk to end up alone regardless of sexual er.... should I say nonsexual preference. My dad died at the age of 57 of a massive heart attack and Mom spent the rest of her life "alone" although I use quotes because she was a very active senior. I want to be that too. Truthfully I don't know at this point in my life if I could have a relationship other than that of a roomate. I am too use to making my own decisions in life. Would love the companionship though. :lol:

[beachbird]

I've lived alone for over 8 years and I think it's the ultimate definition of freedom. I sleep, nap, when I want....come and go as I please....watch what I want to watch on TV....if I don't feel like cooking I don't.....no one else there to be obligated to. I find my home to be a safe haven of complete peace. And since I decorated it myself, it's a direct extension and expression of myself. I really am happier than I ever was than when I lived with a spouse or room-mate.

And when I do get lonely on occasion, I call up a friend or one of my grown daughters and arrange a lunchdate or a shopping outing. I have a dog who has been a great companion to me and often more loyal than anyone else.

So, I don't see being alone as a negative. Life is full of choices and it really is what you make it. Look for the positives in your life ; and, each new day, try to be grateful for something good in your life. And if you're missing something, go out and find something that can bring a smile to your face. How you choose to look at a situation can totally change how it affects you, good and bad.

[Xenon]

I remember once a few years ago chatting with a co-worker; she was totally bewildered by the fact that I live alone and make no effort to change that. I calmly insisted that I *like* living alone (which I do.) But then she said something that caught me completely off guard:

"But that means you'll die alone!"

And she said it as if that was the most awful thing in the world.

My response: "Yes... I certainly hope so!".

She was shocked. Horrified, even. As if I had told her I eat puppies or something. :)

[mackat5]

Hhhhmmm, I live alone, mainly by choice, and me friends seem to accept and understand. Or at least they don't give me any grief about it. I have been rather open about being asexual the last couple of years, however. At 64, why hide it????

[lux]

Mmmm...I've read your opinions and I think that perhaps living alone when you have health and energy could be good but when you are old,ill and depressed it is bad.

I agree with Vikingo, the best would be to meet some asexual people and to make some kind of asociation or club or friendship,like alternative family,and to live together,helping in difficults moments in the life and enjoying in good moments.

I say this because I am an only child,I only have my old parents,and a few of friends,I'm not married,I haven't a couple,and I feel alone.Perhaps you have many relations,family and friends,and thats why that you prefer living alone, because at the end, you really aren't be alone,behind there are a lor of people who will help you in bad moments in the life, but, in my case,I am really alone,sadly.

I think that german group had developed a good plan.

I also put ads in newspapers and I continue try to find somebody for me,but it is very difficult,although my town is a medium town,not very small bur not very big indeed.

I tell you:at the end, lonely is very bad,although at the beginning it looks attractive.

Everybody must have somebody(asexual) to love.

[Peppermintdrop]

If you are lonely just join a cohousing group. I don't know if they are in Spain or not, but they are all over the U.S. It's where you own you're own house, but you're on like community land and then you do group activities and support each other and what not. That's what I'd do if I was lonely.

[mackat5]

Good idea, but it takes money that some of us don't have. :(

[lux]

I've never listen about a cohousing group,I think that it is a fantastic idea for lonely people,what a pity that this type of group doesn't exist in Spain,perhaps, in the future,the government or some associations will create them,but actually,the only supporting for lonely people are the family or strange people who,for money, acompannies old people,the most of them are inmigrants,they take care children,old people,ill people or minusvalid people.

There are residences for retired people,but there are very few public,most of them are private,and they are very expensive.

I would wish living in the USA to join in a cohousing group,I think that it is the better to lonely people,you can live alone but ,on the other hand, you have the supporting of a group of people who can help you in the difficult moments.

[cijay]

I've lived alone for over 8 years and I think it's the ultimate definition of freedom. I sleep, nap, when I want.

Don't forget 'fart' :shock:

[sakura_alice]

:lol:

[PollyB]

I think I've always known it was just normal for older people to end up alone unless we could get communities of friends or shared housing arrangements together, and I do prefer living alone, but with people around in the rest of my life, whether or not you believe that, Lux! We aren't all the same, and I don't have family either.

Many people end up alone because they believe the social convention that says you get most of your support from a partner, and then don't know what to do with themselves after their partner dies. I'm not knocking the idea of having a partner if you want that, but no one person can carry the whole burden of making another person safe forever, that's why I believe many people need some kind of community, even if they need a lot of space as well.

[Tanwen]

I'm not knocking the idea of having a partner if you want that, but no one person can carry the whole burden of making another person safe forever

I think this is true WW. It is good to have someone to share with, but they cannot be held responsible for our happiness. I must admit, over the last few weeks I've lost sight of most of my sig (James Stacy bit), I had to keep telling myself that we must go with the hand we're dealt. At last things seem to be improving and I'm feeling almost optimistic - even if y SAD month is approaching - maybe I'll get a 'daylight' lamp...

[cijay]

and I'm feeling almost optimistic - even if y SAD month is approaching - maybe I'll get a 'daylight' lamp...

They help me!

[Tanwen]

Heard they help some people, others say they don't. I have a daylight bulb in my sewing lamp. Think I'll try that one first...is it the same light frequency.

[Ziffler]

Daylight Lamp????????????

I'm confussed? Someone living at the poles that they need to use a lamp to simulate daylight?

Personally, I love the darkness, more time for sleeping.

[sakura_alice]

the sun hurts my eyes (but I have cool sunglasses, so I'm prepared, lol!)

[Xenon]

and I'm feeling almost optimistic - even if y SAD month is approaching - maybe I'll get a 'daylight' lamp...

They help me!

Where does one buy a "daylight" lamp?

[Ziffler]

sakura_alice wrote:

the sun hurts my eyes (but I have cool sunglasses, so I'm prepared, lol!)

Same here. I have 4 pair of sunglasses, all different amounts of tinting from light to very dark. Too much sunlight gives me a severe headache. I prefer a clouded sky or darkness. Summer rainy days are my favorite of days. I love walks in the rain. So refreshing and the clean smell of a summer rain.

[mackat5]

I've been known to wear sunglasses on a bright, cloudy day. I wear glasses, so I've found those that fi over glasses wrok best for me.

[cijay]

and I'm feeling almost optimistic - even if y SAD month is approaching - maybe I'll get a 'daylight' lamp...

They help me!

Where does one buy a "daylight" lamp?

I ordered mine but there are some stores around the city. There's one by the Royal Alec hospital that sells them.

Personally, I love the darkness, more time for sleeping.

You probably manufacture enough serotonin in your brain that you don't need extra daylight. My body doesn't manufacture enough of it in the winter. I can sleep in daylight though...up here if you can't, in the summer, you're screwed.

[Busrider]

Ziff, according to some crude conversion tables the use of moderately dark sunglasses outdoors might still allow enough sunlight to hit your eyes to get a antidepressant benefit of it. - If you need it at all.

In my other thread on Off-A (I apologise herewith for being too shy to hijack this one here) Peppermintdrop wrote

My mother has one in the kitchen. It's so freakin' bright! It's supposed to by like real sunlight. The brand name is SunRay and the website is www.sunbox.com.

That manufacturer claims light theraphy would work with at least 2500Lux for several 2 or more hours or 10000Lux for 20 minutes per day. At a very bright day outdoors you might be exposed to significantly more natural sunlight, maybe up to 100,000Lux at the beach or in the bright snow. - I'm not exactly sure about that figure, because I don't live in such a environment.

Tanwen, according to my not exact metering here at home I'd have to place a fluorescent lightbulb within 3-1" distance to my eyes to get light of the necessarry intensity there, so if your sewing lamp isn't incredible powerful, there isn't much hope to benefit directly from it, but maybe success in needlework helps too.

[Ziffler]

Okay, Now I feel really stupid. :o

I never considered anyone needing sunlight to be happy, or at least not depressed?

That is something that has NEVER bothered me. I actually prefer shadowed days to bright sunshiny days, because sunshine hurts my eyes and gives me a headache. But neither having sunshine or the lack thereof, causes my moods to swing. I can be just as happy on cloudy rainy days as sun shinny days. I have never felt the worse for wear, because of a long drawn out winter.

I am sorry for those who do suffer from this. I just never knew anything about it. Glad to learn something new. But obviously I don't need one of those sun lights. :D