Cis as a label - in a catch 22

[GiraffeSpots]

Recently, I have been thinking about my gender a lot on a surface level and then going "bail, bail, bail" because I don't have the emotional resources for that. I think I describe myself as cis more often than I describe myself as female. It's kind of funny since I'm still up in the air about gender, but I feel quite comfortable with cis as a label, almost like I've placed an order for some cis privilege, thank you.

 

It's probably to do with some internalised belief that I don't deserve a voice in discussions about gender.

 

Anyway, the thought occured to me I could change cis to my only label, but that would probably make it visibly untrue.

[Oberon Jasper]

Cis just means the gender you were birthed as... so afab identifying as female would be cis or amab identifying as male. I'm confused by what you mean by using it as your only label?

[Quilly]

I get feeling a connection to being cis and questioning gender (even if the circumstances are different). Between being cis, being not fully cis, or not being cis at all, I fall under that second category which has been making accepting the fact that I'm not faking things and trying to be special hard on me. It helped me to know that there are other people and other labels representing partially but not fully identifying with their agab in different ways. 

 

It's interesting to me that you feel more strongly cis than you do cis female- I don't have much input on that other than gender is confusing so in that regard I kinda understand that label things are a mess, but I don't have the same perspective of emphasis on the fact that I am cis. (ie. it's valid but it also kinda confuses me based on the perspective I have). 

 

Do you know what pronouns you feel comfortable with? That's kind of where I started with my attempts to understand gender, and even if pronouns don't denote gender they might hint how you feel towards certain perceptions of yourself if that makes sense. 

[GiraffeSpots]

33 minutes ago, Kieran the Vampire said:

Cis just means the gender you were birthed as... so afab identifying as female would be cis or amab identifying as male. I'm confused by what you mean by using it as your only label?

I am also confused by what my brain means by having the idea of using it as my only label - to be clear I do not currently use cis as a solo label, nor do I intend to, I just had some musings to share and this is the only space I have for that. 

 

It's not a case of "I'm going to use this" more "my brain landed on an anomaly and I feel weird".

[GiraffeSpots]

47 minutes ago, Quilly said:

I get feeling a connection to being cis and questioning gender (even if the circumstances are different). Between being cis, being not fully cis, or not being cis at all, I fall under that second category which has been making accepting the fact that I'm not faking things and trying to be special hard on me. It helped me to know that there are other people and other labels representing partially but not fully identifying with their agab in different ways. 

 

It's interesting to me that you feel more strongly cis than you do cis female- I don't have much input on that other than gender is confusing so in that regard I kinda understand that label things are a mess, but I don't have the same perspective of emphasis on the fact that I am cis. (ie. it's valid but it also kinda confuses me based on the perspective I have). 

 

Do you know what pronouns you feel comfortable with? That's kind of where I started with my attempts to understand gender, and even if pronouns don't denote gender they might hint how you feel towards certain perceptions of yourself if that makes sense. 

My brain is going super existential here, so this may be more identity crisis than self discovery. (For clarity, yes, I am responding in reverse order here. If I weren't on mobile I'd rearrange it to make more sense.)

 

In terms of perceptions of myself, I tend not to enjoy perceiving myself at all and I struggle with concepts like that I am alive, real and have to travel through time in a linear fashion. It definitely makes it hard to commit to new identity labels, or even a new diagnosis like anxiety feels fake unless I am currently having a panic attack.

 

I still use female pronouns, and I often enjoy performing aspects of feminity. It does feel more like a choice than an identity - I am an actor and it gives me a lot of chances to experiment with gender without committing to anything. Like, I feel super ok with acting as or being referred to as a she/they/he, so long as no one is thinking about it too hard.

 

Perhaps that is what my brain was thinking about last night - using cis like a cloaking device that makes people not look at me? Because I don't think it's about how I identify, I think it's more about how others identify me. That's probably a lot to unpack, I am a private person, and like I said, I struggle with basic concepts of existing. Like, in dance class I have to think of the walls of the room as left and right because if I think of my body as left and right, they like to switch.

 

Thank you for being so open with me - I also have those thoughts about specialness and faking and in some ways cis is a stick I hit myself with to get back in line. I'm feeling kind of better just getting it all out of my brain and connecting about it.

[Quilly]

On 2/20/2021 at 9:16 AM, GiraffeSpots said:

In terms of perceptions of myself, I tend not to enjoy perceiving myself at all and I struggle with concepts like that I am alive, real and have to travel through time in a linear fashion. 

This reminds me of my agender identity (my gender switches between multiple things, one of which being agender). I generally tend to feel disconnected from the ways people might perceive me and care less about what set of pronouns people use for me. 

I usually don't feel only one gender at a time so I can't tell you everything that relates to that part of my gender experience, but I'm sure there are a few things online if you want to look into that label. 
https://lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Agender and https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Agender have some more information on being agender if that helps. 

[Emery.]

Maybe you mean "cis by default" or something of that sort? Maybe you're somewhere on the agender spectrum. Not really female but not uncomfortable enough to transition. Or maybe you're just weakly aligned with being female, not so strongly to "feel female". 

[GiraffeSpots]

On 2/24/2021 at 3:39 PM, Emery. said:

Maybe you mean "cis by default" or something of that sort? Maybe you're somewhere on the agender spectrum. Not really female but not uncomfortable enough to transition. Or maybe you're just weakly aligned with being female, not so strongly to "feel female". 

That resonates - like I use default settings out of convenience

[Guest]

I totally do this too.

On 3/3/2021 at 12:57 PM, GiraffeSpots said:

That resonates - like I use default settings out of convenience

 

 

I don't feel comfortable with the cis-trans distinction because I perceive myself to have always been the same gender, despite taking a while to identify it by name. My assigned sex is male and my "gender" is not female or anything in between male or female, so I get upset when I'm referred to as trans or anything but cisgender.

 

Maleflux is a "process of elimination" for me. I'm not male in my mind, because I see people who are cisgender or transgender male and I'm not entirely "like them". I'm not female because I see people who are cisgender or transgender female and I'm nothing like them. I definitely don't feel comfortable calling myself non-binary, because my gender is pretty much aligned to my birth sex designation. In the end, I'm essentially just a cisgender male who goes through fluctuations in how severely I "don't do male correctly". If the concepts of masculinity and femininity that we conflate with gender roles and stereotypes disappear then I will be very happy.

 

 

 

[Quilly]

2 hours ago, Satan's Little Helper said:

Maleflux is a "process of elimination" for me. I'm not male in my mind, because I see people who are cisgender or transgender male and I'm not entirely "like them".

This is kinda why I will call myself "not fully cis" more often then I will the actual opposite of cis haha. I do think for me it is more of a mental block based on "it's trendy to be LGBT+" and such kinda making me feel that if I identify as female even if I am not completely female I don't deserve any other term. (ie. similar but not the same experiences I guess?)