Dating while ace

[Applespie925]

I told this guy recently that I was interested in that I was Ace and he didn't exactly respond positively, which I get, but it hurts. I'm just wondering if I should tell the next person that I'm not having sex until marriage or just come clean. I really don't want to do sexual stuff until I'm married, however disinterested I am, so it's not a total lie. I just feel like that's easier to accept before I tell the truth. Advice, please

[Euna]

Quote

I'm just wondering if I should tell the next person that I'm not having sex until marriage or just come clean.

Yes, and yes.

 

It's best to let the person know early on you want to wait until marriage. And also that you're ace (or demi, however you want to word it that they will understand). These are different things with different implications.

 

Just as you wouldn't want the other person to hold something important back from you, you need to have these uncomfortable conversations sooner rather than later. I completely empathize because I have to tell guys the same thing, and it's tough cause it's unpopular to say. 

[PermianElle]

On 2/18/2021 at 10:08 PM, Applespie925 said:

I'm just wondering if I should tell the next person that I'm not having sex until marriage or just come clean. I really don't want to do sexual stuff until I'm married,

This is my policy. 'I'm waiting for marriage or until I change my mind, whichever comes first.'

 

Now, something to consider is are you okay with religious people? Because a lot of religious people are okay with that, a lot of non religious people don't understand why you'd wait. I had someone tell me I must be a very devoted Christian to wait and I said 'No, I'm atheist' and walked off to leave them in confusion.

[DarkStormyKnight]

I've always been up front about my sexuality. If the person reacts badly, then I won't have wasted my time. I'm not interested in dating someone who isn't comfortable with asexuality or doesn't think they can date an asexual. Coming out is a personal choice and you don't have to, but I just think it's easier to rip that band aid off quickly.

As far as waiting until marriage goes, I think I would also have that discussion early on. It's uncomfortable, but you could probably slide that in with talking about your asexuality if you wanted.

[brbdogsonfire]

On 2/18/2021 at 7:08 PM, Applespie925 said:

I'm just wondering if I should tell the next person that I'm not having sex until marriage or just come clean. I really don't want to do sexual stuff until I'm married, however disinterested I am, so it's not a total lie. 

You are talking about purposefully trapping a sexual into a relationship with you here. You are talking about making someone miserable for life so that YOU can get what you want. Complete and total disregard for the other person in the relationship here. How does someone think this is acceptable? How does someone think this will lead to anything but rightful resentment from the other party?

 

[brbdogsonfire]

On 2/22/2021 at 8:06 AM, PermianElle said:

This is my policy. 'I'm waiting for marriage or until I change my mind, whichever comes first.'

 

 

Lol and what exactly do you think happens after you get married? Do you think they will just accept that you led them on and purposefully hid your intent? Trapping a sexual in a sexless relationship so you can get what you want is the epitome of selfishness.

[Morays]

As uncomfortable as it is, it's very important to be up front with your asexuality and your preferences with any potential partners. If not on the first date, within two or three. It can be painful, but not nearly as painful as getting emotionally attached only to realize these differences are irreconcilable later on.

 

I'd also consider asking yourself why waiting until marriage is necessary for you; that's not to say that's an illegitimate desire, but knowing why it's important can help you clarify your goals much better to yourself and your partner. Is it due to religious or ethical convictions? Is it important for you to achieve a very strong level of trust and stability before sexual activity occurs, and is marriage necessary in your view for that? Are you afraid of rejection or abandonment and see marriage as a safeguard against that, and if so, is that fair to the other person?

 

Relationships are based on mutual understanding, and it's really, really important for everyone involved to be on the same page. Avoidance and dishonesty by omission to avoid short-term discomfort are not healthy or respectful strategies in the long run.

[Homer]

On 2/19/2021 at 4:08 AM, Applespie925 said:

I just feel like that's easier to accept before I tell the truth.

Wrong. You're making stuff up regardless. How is that going to hurt your relationship any less? It's a great strategy if you want to set yourself up for disaster.

 

"Waiting until marriage" is, er, not a smart concept anyway. What if you discover that you're sexually incompatible, after committing yourself to someone for the rest of the only life you know you're going to get? Congratulations to a life of misery...

[Guest]

Basing a relationship on a lie is never a good idea, either ethically or practically.

[Guest]

I've seen a great deal of threads in this very forum about people who came asking for advice on how to save a marriage because there suddenly had to be sex in the relationship, and they didn't want it. Don't make that mistake. If someone wants sex and you don't, that person is not for you. Don't bother dating them or giving them false expectations, it's better to be single (for both you and that person) than get in a relationship that won't work in the long run.

[PermianElle]

5 hours ago, brbdogsonfire said:

Lol and what exactly do you think happens after you get married? Do you think they will just accept that you led them on and purposefully hid your intent? Trapping a sexual in a sexless relationship so you can get what you want is the epitome of selfishness.

Who said I was lying? I'll have sex after marriage. I'm not interested in it, but if someone I plan on growing old with considers it important, I'll do it. And let's be quite real here: if they've dated me for the 2+ years it would take for marriage to even be a possibility, they know I'm ace, they know I'll never be super into sex, and they've decided themselves they're okay with it.

[brbdogsonfire]

4 hours ago, PermianElle said:

Who said I was lying? I'll have sex after marriage. I'm not interested in it, but if someone I plan on growing old with considers it important, I'll do it. And let's be quite real here: if they've dated me for the 2+ years it would take for marriage to even be a possibility, they know I'm ace, they know I'll never be super into sex, and they've decided themselves they're okay with it.

Because the person who you said your policy is to tell you want to wait until marriage was saying they were thinking of saying they wanted to wait until marriage instead of saying they are asexual. You were agreeing with someone planning to lie by omission AND said that its your policy to do so.

 

Perhaps you didn't mean you wouldn't tell them you are asexual. If you actually mean to tell them you wanted to wait and you are asexual its not dishonest. If you said it to cover up being asexual from a romantic partner then it is dishonest. The person you responded to though was planning to use it to be dishonest though so by saying that it's your policy to do so would imply you agree to be dishonest.

[Homer]

12 hours ago, PermianElle said:

Who said I was lying? I'll have sex after marriage. I'm not interested in it, but if someone I plan on growing old with considers it important, I'll do it.

Please go browse the forums for a bit. There's a shitload of stories on here where people tried to pull of just that, but eventually reached a breaking point where they just couldn't handle it anymore.

 

It won't work. It's a particularly un-smart and harmful approach.

[NewStart]

I am in my 50’s and have had failed marriages including the current one that is in process of ending.  I would get married and within months I would find ways to get out of having sex.  Fast forward to 2020.  With all the extra time on my hands, I came to the realization of what was going on.  I realized I am Asexual.  I have never dated with this realization before.  When I finally do start dating I will be very transparent about it.  I know that will cut down on the amount of potential relationships, but better to be alone than live a lie.

[PermianElle]

12 hours ago, brbdogsonfire said:

Because the person who you said your policy is to tell you want to wait until marriage was saying they were thinking of saying they wanted to wait until marriage instead of saying they are asexual. You were agreeing with someone planning to lie by omission AND said that its your policy to do so.

 

Perhaps you didn't mean you wouldn't tell them you are asexual. If you actually mean to tell them you wanted to wait and you are asexual its not dishonest. If you said it to cover up being asexual from a romantic partner then it is dishonest. The person you responded to though was planning to use it to be dishonest though so by saying that it's your policy to do so would imply you agree to be dishonest.

Ah, didn't notice the implied lying. I thought it was a 'I'm waiting for marriage and will have sex after' situation. No, I'm fully open about being asexual (I'm literally making an ace flag scarf, I think that's a little bit of a giveaway) and that I'm waiting for marriage or until I change my mind. The whole 'change my mind' part is there because I don't know if I'm demi or not, and leave it open that I may become attracted to someone if we have a strong relationship. I'm open to sex, I'm just not interested in it.

 

Lying is a terrible way to begin a relationship.

 

4 hours ago, Homer said:

Please go browse the forums for a bit. There's a shitload of stories on here where people tried to pull of just that, but eventually reached a breaking point where they just couldn't handle it anymore.

 

It won't work. It's a particularly un-smart and harmful approach.

Yeah, aces are also only 1% of the population, so I'm not going to listen to you. I'm also the only ace I can find in a 50 mile radius, so I'm certainly not staying single because other people have problems. And there's also a success stories thread. All relationships are hard (my allo parents have five divorces between them, my great-grandmother had three, my cousins have a few as well). I'm not going to let something as stupid as sex get in the way of something that's otherwise great. If they want to have it, fine, as long as there's no possibility of pregnancy, we'll have sex. And honestly, if we get to marriage and they say 'I lied, sex is really important to me', then that's on them, I'm fully open about 'I'm ace and I have a non-existent libido. If we have sex it's for your sake, not mine.'

 

Also, a lot of what I see on the forums is people who don't want to compromise on both sides. Their relationships were doomed from that alone, sex was just the hill the relationship died on before it got to something else.

[brbdogsonfire]

3 hours ago, PermianElle said:

Ah, didn't notice the implied lying. I thought it was a 'I'm waiting for marriage and will have sex after' situation. No, I'm fully open about being asexual (I'm literally making an ace flag scarf, I think that's a little bit of a giveaway) and that I'm waiting for marriage or until I change my mind. The whole 'change my mind' part is there because I don't know if I'm demi or not, and leave it open that I may become attracted to someone if we have a strong relationship. I'm open to sex, I'm just not interested in it.

 

Lying is a terrible way to begin a relationship.

 

Yeah, aces are also only 1% of the population, so I'm not going to listen to you. I'm also the only ace I can find in a 50 mile radius, so I'm certainly not staying single because other people have problems. And there's also a success stories thread. All relationships are hard (my allo parents have five divorces between them, my great-grandmother had three, my cousins have a few as well). I'm not going to let something as stupid as sex get in the way of something that's otherwise great. If they want to have it, fine, as long as there's no possibility of pregnancy, we'll have sex. And honestly, if we get to marriage and they say 'I lied, sex is really important to me', then that's on them, I'm fully open about 'I'm ace and I have a non-existent libido. If we have sex it's for your sake, not mine.'

 

Also, a lot of what I see on the forums is people who don't want to compromise on both sides. Their relationships were doomed from that alone, sex was just the hill the relationship died on before it got to something else.

Then to clarify if you are being open and honest I think its a great way to explain the potential for you to not be interested now but possibly to be later. That seems completely fair to me. Sorry for the incorrect interpretation of what you meant.

[PermianElle]

3 hours ago, brbdogsonfire said:

Then to clarify if you are being open and honest I think its a great way to explain the potential for you to not be interested now but possibly to be later. That seems completely fair to me. Sorry for the incorrect interpretation of what you meant.

I missed the lying aspect of the first post, I thought it was a genuine 'waiting for marriage' stance, so it's my bad too. Let this be a lesson on the importance of communication.

[Guest]

Saying you will wait for marriage is saying you want sex too but you have moral reasons for waiting. It sets both people up for misery if you dont explain it won't be a thing you want after marriage either. And if you want to be miserable while making someone else miserable... well.. I dunno what to tell you. 

[WarRocketAjax]

1 hour ago, PermianElle said:

I missed the lying aspect of the first post, I thought it was a genuine 'waiting for marriage' stance, so it's my bad too. Let this be a lesson on the importance of communication.

Being honest with yourself and with others makes everything that much easier. You have to know what you want and it took me awhile to figure that out.

[Applespie925]

On 2/23/2021 at 10:12 AM, brbdogsonfire said:

You are talking about purposefully trapping a sexual into a relationship with you here. You are talking about making someone miserable for life so that YOU can get what you want. Complete and total disregard for the other person in the relationship here. How does someone think this is acceptable? How does someone think this will lead to anything but rightful resentment from the other party?

 

I'm not trying to trap anyone so much as postponing the inevitable in the hopes that they'll like me enough to think about things rather than just make a rash decision. To compare, I have previously told boyfriends I wasn't having sex until marriage (which was true), BUT I didn't tell them right away. To me, it's more about making sure that the person likes who I am rather than what I can provide.

[Applespie925]

Thank you all for your advice. I think I'm going to use the same policy I did when I was waiting until marriage- wait until we know each other better before I disclose everything. Fingers crossed, right? 😁

[Guest]

On 2/19/2021 at 3:08 AM, Applespie925 said:

I told this guy recently that I was interested in that I was Ace and he didn't exactly respond positively, which I get, but it hurts. I'm just wondering if I should tell the next person that I'm not having sex until marriage or just come clean. I really don't want to do sexual stuff until I'm married, however disinterested I am, so it's not a total lie. I just feel like that's easier to accept before I tell the truth. Advice, please

So since you said that you're "fully open about being asexual" and "literally making an ace scarf", what more is there to know for your potential partner? Exactly what are you trying to get advice on? I'm very confused by your recent posts. They don't seem to line up with your first (which I quoted here for reference); if you're not asking about whether it's better to tell someone you're asexual or to tell someone you're waiting for marriage, then what are you wanting advice on?

I also want to point out that your replies to folks like Homer have not exactly been kind. If you ask for advice, you should expect that someone will tell you what they think you need to hear, rather than what you WANT to hear. That's what advice is for.

  

15 hours ago, Applespie925 said:

To compare, I have previously told boyfriends I wasn't having sex until marriage (which was true), BUT I didn't tell them right away. To me, it's more about making sure that the person likes who I am rather than what I can provide.

I would also like to understand the logic behind this reasoning. How do you know someone is into you for you, rather than because of how you look like or whatever amount of sex they want to get from you, until you tell them you're not going to give them sex (or not until much later)?

 

If you don't want to date somebody who's trying to date you just for sex, then the best way forward really is to get the ace talk out of the way sooner rather than later.

[PermianElle]

On 2/25/2021 at 12:33 PM, `Silver said:

So since you said that you're "fully open about being asexual" and "literally making an ace scarf", what more is there to know for your potential partner? Exactly what are you trying to get advice on? I'm very confused by your recent posts. They don't seem to line up with your first (which I quoted here for reference); if you're not asking about whether it's better to tell someone you're asexual or to tell someone you're waiting for marriage, then what are you wanting advice on?

I also want to point out that your replies to folks like Homer have not exactly been kind. If you ask for advice, you should expect that someone will tell you what they think you need to hear, rather than what you WANT to hear. That's what advice is for.

  

I would also like to understand the logic behind this reasoning. How do you know someone is into you for you, rather than because of how you look like or whatever amount of sex they want to get from you, until you tell them you're not going to give them sex (or not until much later)?

 

If you don't want to date somebody who's trying to date you just for sex, then the best way forward really is to get the ace talk out of the way sooner rather than later.

Hi, ace scarf was different person. I misread what was originally posted and thought Applespie925 was waiting for marriage because they didn't want to have sex until marriage, not because they didn't want to at all. I am making an ace scarf (when I have time and the single crochet doesn't bore me), and I'm also fully open about being ace. I'm old enough that if I don't diagnosed it I have people assuming I'm DTF right away or I have some dark past they need to be sensitive about.

 

Applespie925, don't wait too long. Don't get serious with someone and then say 'Oh, I'm not interested in sex.' You don't have to mention it right away, but when you get to the point of trying to take the relationship further i.e. before becoming an official couple, you need to make the situation clear so they can decide if they want to continue the relationship. 

[Guest]

8 hours ago, PermianElle said:

Hi, ace scarf was different person. I misread what was originally posted and thought Applespie925 was waiting for marriage because they didn't want to have sex until marriage, not because they didn't want to at all. I am making an ace scarf (when I have time and the single crochet doesn't bore me), and I'm also fully open about being ace. I'm old enough that if I don't diagnosed it I have people assuming I'm DTF right away or I have some dark past they need to be sensitive about.

Apologies, my mistake. This is what I get from associating people with their avatars when they don't have one.  

[Applespie925]

Thank you again for your advice. I plan on doing the same thing as before- wait a bit until I'm sure they like me, then tell them I'm ace. You might not approve of it, but it is ultimately my decision. While I do not plan on concealing my identity forever, give me a break if I wait beyond the first date to tell. It is my life and, while I value your advice, please let me do things my way. ❤️

[brbdogsonfire]

16 hours ago, Applespie925 said:

Thank you again for your advice. I plan on doing the same thing as before- wait a bit until I'm sure they like me, then tell them I'm ace. You might not approve of it, but it is ultimately my decision. While I do not plan on concealing my identity forever, give me a break if I wait beyond the first date to tell. It is my life and, while I value your advice, please let me do things my way. ❤️

You are free to disregard everyone's advice but you are admitting to trying to trap someone here even if you try to word it differently. If that is the truth you will get bad Relationships.  A relationship start we d on a lie has a shaky foundation and you will pay for it in time.

[Applespie925]

I am not trying to "trap" someone, and I am hurt that you would say that. To me, trapping somebody would be not telling them I'm ace until the wedding. I'm talking about a few dates or so. Nobody reveals their true self on the first date, so why should I)

[Guest]

On 3/6/2021 at 11:11 PM, Applespie925 said:

I'm talking about a few dates or so. Nobody reveals their true self on the first date, so why should I)

Honestly, I wouldn't sweat a few dates. Before you have the "talk" before becoming an item, this is information they should know.

 

I told my fiancee about my sexuality and even pointed her to this website about a couple months into knowing her.

 

Difference for me, is I can be intimate. I just don't have much of a drive for it. I still felt I needed to be open.

 

I felt it was necessary for her to know, so she doesn't feel rejected due to it.

 

You're not planning on any intimacy until marriage. Depending on your culture, this is either noble, or setting yourself up for failure. 

 

To you, however, it's your body so nothing you need to be ashamed of, or need to change due to pressure.

 

That has nothing to do with you or anything being wrong with you.

 

In western culture, pardon my wording here, but typically they like to test drive a car before being stuck with it. We do monthly installments and there is always that option to bring  a clunker back (the candy store aspect of dating, in terms of perception vs it actually being a clunker).

 

In others, the purchase is based on the brand, the reputation and knowing you can bring it home to your folks with pride (countries where courtship is more of the norm, as is marriage). No need or prerequisite for a test drive.

 

Regardless of this, you should stick to your guns. Knowing the above at least prepares your expectations realistically, and as long as you are upfront early enough, have nothing to be ashamed of.

[superbrooke3]

I think it is fine to make it perfectly clear in the beginning of a dating relationship that you are not open to a sexual relationship at that point in time. If you are really only casually dating, I have found the explanation that you are not willing to have sex until marriage useful. People get the picture without having to explain asexuality at that point.

However, if you are wanting a relationship to become more serious, you really should discuss your feelings more intimately and make sure that your partner understands that you are in fact asexual. This is I did with my now husband of three years. (we dated for a few years before marrying so he was aware of my asexuality for a couple years before we really decided to tie the knot). Just know what you and your partner both need and how that will work if you are trying to compromise. It will most likely be a constant work in progress as you and your partner learn, change, and grow with each other. But that is part of making two people happy with each other anyway.